Rise of the Dairy Products: A CONTINUATION OF THREE TALES
By Kal Ancalas
Author's Note: Finally, an update! Yes! After getting sick and being dredged with schoolwork and being attacked by mutant evil broccoli pies, I have gathered the strength to write another chapter of this hilarious, nutritious epic. Yay! (Warning: This chapter is somewhat random. And stupid-ish. You have been warned.)
Please review. I cannot stress this enough. Your kind feedback is the inspiration for all of my stories (as well as unhealthy amounts of sugar and caffeine. But mostly your reviews.)
Thanks, and enjoy.
P.S: Just to clear things up: This fic may be a little screwed because I'm ill, I've been drinking way too much Frappuccino, and I've been listening to Gravitation and SR-71 for a VERY long time.
Pwn thee all,
-Kal
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Last time on Fox, Roy, Yoshi 6: Rise of the Dairy Products…
Our heroes Fox, Roy, and Yoshi were sitting down to a nice broccoli pie when alas! The evil Lord IamtehbestandIpwnu built a diabolic Atomicdairynebulabombnukeomgwtfbbq Transformer in an attempt to zombify the dairy products of the world. Oh noes, that would be rather unfortunate, of course!
Lord IamtehbestandIpwnu sent his trusty cohort, M. Weed, to install the Atomicdairynebulabombnukeomgwtfbbq Transformer in the bowels of the Smash Mansion. Fortunately, Fox, Roy, and Yoshi discovered this ruse quickly. But how to stop it?
No need to fear! Using brute strength, cruel extortion, and the songs of a crack-high steroid-busting purple dinosaur, Fox, Roy, and Yoshi easily defeated Weed, destroyed the transformer, and saved the world!
…Again, that is!
In other news, our sadly ignored sub-protagonists, Falco, Marth and Bowser, were once again on the lookout for money so they could purchase a well-needed Ultimate Pocket Entertainment System! (Costs $9999.99, tax included. Buyer pays $2.01 shipping and handling.) While working as employees of A Random Clothing Store, Falco discovered 10 grand in a neglected purse left in the women's dressing room! (Side note: What the hell was he doing in the dressing room in the first place? Perv…) Ehem. Anyway, they were about to buy the toy of their dreams when a misguided M. Weed accidentally vaporized their sweet wad of cash! Oh, the humanity!
This time, Fox, Roy, and Yoshi face a new threat: The Doomsday Generator! And also, will Falco, Marth, and Bowser play a bigger, yet inadvertent role in the events of Lord IamtehbestandIpwnu's invasion?
…Probably not. Anyway, just read the story because it's COOL! o!
…Kal, you imbecile! I need a raise!
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"Weed, set up the Doomsday Generator."
"What does it do, sir?"
"…Let's keep this on a need-to-know basis."
"Those fools Fox, Roy, and Yoshi will soon meet their doom!"
"That is so cliché, you fool. Say something like, 'We shall smite Fox, Roy, and Yoshi with all of our unholy might and make sure they never rise again to haunt us!'"
"Sir, that is just-"
Lord IamtehbestandIpwnu glared at Weed.
"We shall smite Fox, Roy, and Yoshi with all of our unholy might and make sure they never rise again to haunt us."
"Much better."
With that, Lord IamtehbestandIpwnu sent poor M. Weed off with instructions to assemble the Doomsday Generator.
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"Arrgh! Why can't I think of ideas at a time like this?"
We now peep into the author's (Kal) room. The floor is littered with tissues, cough drop wrappers, and empty cans of Starbucks™ Frappuccino. Inside, we see Kal lying on a bed, laptop burning a hole through the bedsheets.
"I'm running out of plot ideas. As usual…(grumblegrumble) MORE FRAPPUCCINO!" He then drains another can in one gulp.
"Now…perhaps to add some randomness to the plot? Yes…that will work. Most definitely."
"…Hey, wait a second! Who put this hidden camera in my closet! Ack!"
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Fox, Roy, and Yoshi are sitting around a small, round table feasting on a broccoli pie.
"That M. Weed sure was weird." Fox commented while eating a thin slice of pie. "Not only was he physically and mentally challenged, but he was also incompetent…"
"Yeah." Yoshi said calmly. "Hopefully, we will get to humiliate him again and again."
Roy stared. "Yoshi…Don't you think you're a bit out of character?"
Yoshi shot a stony glare at Roy before saying, "What…do you want me to eat fruit, clap my hands and say "Yoshi" repeatedly? It gets kinda boring after a while, you know…"
"Right…whatever."
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"NooOoOoOOO!" Falco's cries blended into the cool air. "We were so close to buying a Ultimate Pocket Entertainment System! And it A-SPLODED!"
"Meh." Bowser growled. "Personally, I would've liked to try the waterbed."
Suddenly, a penny dropped out of the sky and hit Bowser on the head.
"Oh, look, a penny. Only 10199 more to go." Marth said dryly.
Then, a nickel fell out of the sky and hit Bowser on the head, again.
"If this is the author's idea of randomness, it's not funny." Bowser said, rubbing his bruised forehead.
Finally, a broccoli pie fell out of thin air and landed on the ground, splattering Falco, Marth, and Bowser with green gunk.
"Yuck!" Marth frantically brushed broccoli flakes out of his clothes. "Think of all the detergent, and shampoo, and conditioner it'll take to get this out!" He then ripped at his hair maniacally, therefore getting more broccoli flakes into his hair (which is not good.)
"Mmm…broccoli." Bowser sighed. (Catch the quick Simpsons reference here)
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"How do I set up this hunk of junk?" Weed mumbled frantically. "This crap comes with a set of hard-to-read instructions…I'm no engineer! How the heck am I supposed to do this?"
Weed then relaxed. "Okay, Weed…focus. Lord IamtehbestandIpwnu is counting on you. You can build it. Just follow the steps one by one." Weed then read the first line of instructions.
1. Unpack package.
"What! This is way too difficult! I want my mommy! WAHHH!"
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(Author's Note: A sparse Tales of Symphonia reference here, just wanted to let you know.)
"Say," Fox said, "what do you suppose M. Weed is doing right now?"
"He's probably fiddling with some ridiculously simple instructions assembling the Doomsday Generator." Roy said casually.
Roy and Yoshi gaped.
"Why is it Roy says extremely intelligent things some of the time, but usually just retarded comments?"
"I have no idea."
Roy obtained the title of "Flaming Moron!"
"What the heck?"
"Likely this is the result of several improperly stored cans of Frappuccino." the Flaming Moron said casually. "And don't call me Flaming Moron!"
"Yeah…Whatever." Fox said. "I guess we'll need to find Weed now. Right now, he's probably screwed the whole thing over already, but I'm not taking any chances. You with me?"
Yoshi was chewing on pie, and Flaming Moron was murmuring intelligent thoughts.
"Why do I bother? All right, I'll go myself."
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"We need to earn money…again." Falco sighed, his feet dragging along the ground. "But we can't find any place where the employers don't treat us like poo-gas. We need a good, steady workplace that offers high pay, benefits, insurance, and reliable pension plans!"
"Yeah, in case you haven't noticed, only college people get those jobs." Marth said dryly. "And I've still got freaking broccoli in my hair!"
"Stop worrying about your hair. It's the least of your worries." Bowser sighed.
"But…but…I have to take care of my beautiful body! I can't live without my makeup and creams!"
Marth obtained the title of "Narcissist!"
"NO!" Marth yelled. "I refuse to be referred to as a narcissist throughout this story!"
Fine, but it'll still show up on your resume and background checks.
"OMgasp! Who's that?" Falco yelled, ruining his pants. (In both ways. Ew.)
I'm the author, you dolt. And Falco, change your pants.
"Erm…right." Thankfully, at that precise moment, Falco's pants were remade anew so he didn't have to spend the rest of the story with a scarred ego.
"…"
Yeah. Anyways, gotta go. I'm still working on the Frappuccino.
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"All right…What should we get?" Fox said, opening the door to the armory.
"Holy crap!" Yoshi and the Flaming Moron gasped. "Where did you get this?"
"Look up." Fox smiled. Yoshi and Flaming Moron looked up to see a giant plot hole titled "Yoshi 007 plot hole-DO NOT TOUCH. CONTAINS THE ENTIRE ARMORY FOR THE SOCIETY. CONTAINS BIG NUKES"
"Wow." Yoshi said before taking two plasma rail pistols.
"Yay!" Flaming Moron yelled before throwing away his sword and picking up a lethal-looking reaver.
Fox stared. "Idiot."
Roy obtained the title of "Idiot!"
"Yay!" Idiot proclaimed.
Fox sighed. "This is gonna be a long story."
"Right." Yoshi said. "You want a sword or a gun?"
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"Do you have any experience?" the boring guy behind the counter asked.
"Nope! But we're ready and willing to learn!" Falco said cheerfully.
"Er…right. Well, there are your uniforms, and I guess you can start right now. Here."
"Yay!" Falco cheered. "I've always wanted a job in a huge office building."
"Falco?"
"Yes?"
"For God's sake, we're janitors! We're only getting $8 an hour!"
"Never fear! We shall ascend the ranks of the corporate ladder and become the presidents of a large, albeit rich and jacked up company!"
"Hey! Get yer ass back to work!"
"Right, right…" Falco carefully scraped debris off the floor.
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"When I say three," Yoshi said quietly, "we kick down the door, and rush in. Take no prisoners."
"Right." Fox said.
"BUTTERFLY!" Idiot screamed.
"I think I like Flaming Moron better." Fox whispered.
"Well, call him whatever you want, because WE'RE GOING IN!" (Insert fast action music here)
"AHH! I'm being captured!"
Fox and Yoshi looked up to see Flaming Moron being strangled by a…mop?
"Help! Help! I can't breathe!"
Yoshi cracked the neck of the assassin…er, mop, and said, "Roy, stop screwing around. What happened to your usual intelligence?"
"Emc squared."
"Ah, screw this. We'll let Kal explain this in a plot hole or something."
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Hello? Oh, hi! This is Kal. The author. Yay! Well, as Yoshi said, I have to do a bit of explaining. You see, Fox, Roy, and Yoshi are in a broom closet/passage that leads to the basement, and M. Weed is STILL trying to assemble the generator thingy…and Falco, Marth, and Bowser are JANITORS in a huge office building…you still here with me? Alright…you heard it here. Please continue to read.
…I WANT MEH PEPTO-BISMOL!
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"Grr! I've got to connect piece A to piece B, link wire C to wire D, etc., etc…" M. Weed griped, poring over something remarkably similar to a model airplane instruction pamphlet, except it was undeniably HARD!
2. Insert electrical plug into wall outlet and switch on. You're done, genius!
"Wha…What plug? Which wall outlet? Where's a table of lifelines when you need them?" M. Weed swore, then ground the instructions under his palm (Stupid, really, since that was his only hint)
"Weed! My patience is running thin! Have you assembled the device yet?"
"Uhm…Almost done!"
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"Huff, huff…" Bowser moaned, stacking cleaning objects. (Not getting much exercise and all, he struggles at most tasks.) "Almost done!"
"Hey, Bowsie! Can you give me a can of Pine-Sol?" Falco yelled.
"Sure." Bowser said. He tossed a can labeled "Pine-Sol" to Falco. Naturally, the pyramid he'd been so carefully working on for hours toppled. Life stinks sometimes.
"Oh, sh-" Bowser breathed out some fire in frustration.
(UNSCHEDULED SCIENCE LESSON ALERT!)
Some cleaning products contain flammable agents. Thank you very much.
(END UNSCHEDULED SCIENCE LESSON)
The foreman strolled by. "Nice job, Falco! You have masterfully applied Pine-Sol to the floor and made it smell good! I'm giving you a promotion!"
"Yay!"
The foreman then glanced at Bowser, surrounded by a conflagration of flaming cleaning products. "Bowser! For lighting all of our cleaning products on fire, I'm giving you a pay cut! Your salary is now $6 an hour!"
Falco stuck out his tongue.
Bowser sprayed the mountain of fire with a fire extinguisher, muttering snippets of phrases such as "little creep" and "ungrateful (deleted)".
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"Who thinks we will save the world in 30 seconds or less?" Fox asked on their way to where M. Weed was assembling (or trying to, at least) the Doomsday Generator.
"30? I'll give you 20." Yoshi scoffed.
"Swords are shiny!" Flaming Moron said.
"Okay, the Flaming Moron thing was funny at first, but now it's stupid."
"Aww…" Roy muttered.
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"Finally!" M. Weed cackled. "I have assembled this devilish piece of junk! Lord IamtehbestandIpwnu will be so proud! Maybe I'll get a raise and some free Pokemon plushies!"
"Pokemon plushies!"
"AHAHA!"
"Hey! I have feelings, too!" M. Weed whined. "And who put these stupid cameras here!"
"The Omniscient All-Knowing Narrator."
"Right…" M. Weed made a mental note to decrease his daily caffeine consumption. "Whatever. Now to escape!"
"Swords are shiny!"
"Oh, CRAP…"
"Drop that…erm…whatever you're holding!" Fox barked. "Or else I'll murder this Pikachu plushie in front of you!"
"Oh, come on. I'm not that low."
"Darn." Fox threw the plushie into the depths of the evil basement. "Now what?"
"Let's do what we did last time!" Yoshi unsheathed his katana. "Threaten him with swords!"
"Swords are shiny!" Roy cheered.
Fox, Yoshi and M. Weed stared at Roy in catatonic shock for precisely 2.78 seconds.
"Back to the subject…Do you want to do this the easy or hard way?"
"How about hard?" Weed pulled out a bazooka.
"At least this fight won't be as pathetic." Yoshi readied his katana.
M. Weed vaporized Yoshi's katana with a push of a button.
"OMG! Yoshi was defeated! And so quickly too!" Roy gasped.
"Thanks for your support, moron." Yoshi snarled.
"Sorry, Yoshi! But you know, you could have at least attempted to fight back! I mean, that was so pathetic, how he disarmed you just like that, and…"
Roy did not finish his sentence, for Yoshi leaped onto him.
"EEP! AHH! SOMEONE SAVE ME!" Flaming Moron ran away screaming holy hell.
"Again with the Flaming Moron thing?"
"It adds depth."
"Righ…t."
"Anyways, on with the story! I don't want to interrupt…"
"Okay! You asked for it!" Fox screamed. (Insert a rush of wind and impressive sound FX here)
Fox then revealed his ultimate weapon…
A BROCCOLI PIE!
"What the f-"
"No, no. That's just my afternoon snack." Fox threw the pie behind him. It fell with a splat onto Flaming Moron's head.
Ehem. As I was saying, Fox revealed his ultimate weapon…
THE DONUT BAZOOKA! REJOICE, PEASANTS!
"Yay!" (Guess who said that)
Whatever.
"Fine, then! It shall be a war between our bazookas! Prepare to die!" M. Weed pointed his weapon at Fox and melted the wall behind him.
"Let's see…where is that button? Oh yes! Here!"
"I love you, you love me…"
M. Weed began to scream. "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH(add 99999 more H's here because I don't want to waste space)!"
"I'll turn it off if you blow up the Doomsday Generator." Fox said in a very kind tone.
"Damn…you…" Weed glanced from the self-destruct switch to the evil music coming from the Donut Bazooka's built in MP3 player. If he blew up the generator, he would dishonor himself, but at least he would be free from the ebil clutches of the music! Then again, Lord IamtehbestandIpwnu was counting on him. If he screwed this over…well, then, that would be very very very very very very very bad.
What to do? Beads of sweat began to pour down Weed's face.
"I'm waiting." Fox said as the music blared on.
Weed stared at Fox, and then made his decision.
To be continued…
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Okay, I'll be nice. Weed blew up the generator and ran away crying like a wuss, while Fox, Yoshi, and the Flaming Moron celebrated their victory over evil.
THE END (of this chapter, at least.)
"WAIT!"
Oh, yes. The second storyline. Well, at last count, Falco was now a MAIL-ROOM CLERK! Oh, JOY! And Bowser and Marth were still dirty janitors at minimum wage! Oh, no! The injustice! The prejudice! The burned sh-
Right, right. Stupid censors…
Anyway, I'm sure you're all tired of meh rambling, so here goes!
"Damn that Falco…He got a frickin' promotion!" Bowser knocked a few items off the shelf in his anger.
"I know." Marth said sullenly.
The two worked in silence for a while.
Suddenly, there was a commotion outside.
"What now?" Bowser asked curiously.
The foreman dragged in a pathetic-looking guy in a cape.
"Who're you?" Bowser grunted.
"I am a disciple of the great Lord IamtehbestandIpwnu! Unfortunately, I failed my latest mission, so IamtehbestandIpwnu has banished me to work in this place until he deems me fit for further work."
"Right. What's your name?"
"M. Weed."
"What does the M stand for?"
"You really don't want to know.
"You're right, I don't. Get started on the floor." Bowser spit on it.
"Yes, sir." Weed obediently set to wiping the floor.
"Ahh. It feels good to boss around someone for a change." Bowser settled back in a chair.
TO BE CONTINUED
Author's Note: Enjoyed it? Yes? No? Broccoli pie? Well, review and be happy!
Oh, wait. Writer's block for next chapter. Therefore, I need your help. (chibi face)
The next chapter will be based around one, and one character only. As such, I want your help to decide. Should it be Fox, Yoshi, Flam-er, Roy, Falco, Bowser, Marth, M. Weed, or even a broccoli pie? Please tell me. Otherwise, I'll have to choose RANDOMLY!
(screams of horror)
Yep! Review, plz!
-Kal