I felt a sinking feeling in my stomach even though I had asked for this, I in fact just begged for it. My hands were shaking, and I could hear my heart in my ears. He looked so calm as always, like he was feeling nothing while I was outwardly suffering. I knew this was it though, if I let this moment pass then my fear of rejection could keep me from gaining something so precious. The only thing I have ever wanted. Sesshomaru finally looked like he was going to say something, but I interrupted him.
"Why did you save me that day in the forest, Sesshomaru? I know we don't speak of these things out loud, but I'm aware of your feelings towards humans. In the beginning of my travels with you I made note of your comments of them, and I often have heard inuyasha speak of your disdain for them, yet you never treated me with anything less than respect, and you've always protected me. You've even risked your life for me, each time causing my affection for you to grow. Why did you do it, why did you save my life and allow me to travel with you? I must have a true answer to this my Lord, if you do not answer these questions with true thought and honesty I cannot continue to see you." It was like a waterfall of emotion, and boldness with a side of word vomit just kept pouring out. I regretted threatening to end our friendship, mostly because I knew I could never truly do it. No one threatened Lord Sesshomaru like this, and here I was a human girl giving him ultimatums, but I knew no other way to get through to him.
He sat there with his arms crossed still sitting Indian style, while giving me a thoughtful look, "Rin I will answer your questions with true honesty if that is your wish, but take into consideration that you may not like them." I gave a slight smile nodding for him to continue. "My answer is I don't know." He stated.
My face went pale and I almost fell backward. I stood up pacing the floor working myself up, "Of course! What should I have expected from you, you never give me more than a sentence at a time, this was ridiculous to come to you with my feelings and thoughts. I'm such a fool!"
I was going to keep going, but he sternly silenced me, "Rin enough. I am not done, sit down." I dropped back down to my spot with red cheeks, did I really just say feelings? He gave me a sympathetic look and continued on, "I don't know Rin. I don't know why after spending my entire life detesting humans, and hating my own brother for being part human, that I chose to do everything in my power to protect you. I had just lost my arm to my brother, and enemy. I was raging with anger, but you smiled at me with warmth and tried to help me, even though you clearly were the one in distress. I would be fine but you were bruised, and starving. Still, I ignored your wounds and tried to mind my own business. Jaken and I were leaving the forest since I had recovered, yet I kept wondering what the little girl who brought me food was going to do, and if she'd be okay. I scolded myself for even giving such things a second thought, you were but a disgusting human. Beneath me. Then we walked upon you lying dead in the forest, and my first thought was my sword. I wanted to test out the powers of Tenseiga, but I hesitated because to bring back a worthless human would be against who I was to my core, but somewhere inside I wanted to save you. Then as Tenseiga kept urging me to bring you back to life, I had a thought. The direction you had been running toward was mine, you were running towards me to save you and you lost your life on your way. For that, I could not let you die." Sesshomaru sat still with his hard gaze, but my face was one of horror.
Tears rolled down my face, but I could not let his hurtful words deter me from getting all the answers I so desperately needed, "Then tell me why Sesshomaru, if I was so worthless to you then why? Why let me come along, why protect me from then on? Why go out of your way to rescue me, why this?! Why do you still come to sit in silence with me, if I am so beneath you! You're answer cannot just be 'you don't know' there must be an answer!" Never had I yelled at him, never had I shown him such disrespect. It felt like with my words I was crushing the image I had always wanted him to have of me, i was throwing a fit like a brat child who didn't get the answers she wanted and I hated myself for it.
He stood up for the first time walking towards the door, and looking out at the rain so that I could only see that back of him. "Rin do not show your tears they are wasted on me, for I am beneath." My heart stopped and I felt my whole body freeze, my great Lord would never say such a thing. "Sesshomaru." I whispered in disbelief. "Rin I am still not fond of humans, it is in my nature to despise them, but you are not merely a human to me. You are my friend, and I never have had a true friend in my life. Jaken swore to serve me in exchange to rule in my empire with me, and while I no doubt deep down care for my little green friend, he was always a servant first. You followed me because you just wanted to be by my side, and when I was gone you expressed such worry for me despite my great powers. I always knew you would take care of yourself when I was away because you were a strong child and I respected that a little human girl was holding her own, day in and day out around demons. I know that leaving you here hurt you Rin, but while you did hold your own, I had to come to terms with the fact that you are still just a human girl. I am a demon with fangs, claws, dangerous powers, and enemy's I would always be protecting you from."
He took a long pause, so I took the opportunity to respond, "So I understand, I would be a burden to you so I had to come here. Of course, what was I thinking, a little human girl should never drag down the great Lord Sesshomaru." I wiped my tears, meaning what I had said with the most sincerity.
Sesshomaru finally turned back around to look at me, still lacking any emotion on his face. "Rin I told you not to say such silly things. I will always protect you, it is my sole duty in life, but I could not forgive myself if I one day failed. If I thought with absolute certainty that nothing would happen to you if you came with me, I would give you the option to come with me again."
I stood up with my heart beating faster than it ever had before, and I rushed over to him. I grabbed his hand desperately, "Sesshomaru please, give me that choice. Let me choose! I am no longer a child please give me this respect, let me make my own decisions. I can no longer endure this, I love you Lord Sesshomaru!" We both tensed up, and I let go of his hand realizing what I had done. I would never be able to take those words back, and we'd never be able to be the way we were before I said them. For the first time Sesshomaru's eyes widened and I could see he was outwardly moved in some way by what I had said. I wanted to run away, and take it back but it was true, and it always would be. I shakily grabbed his hand again, "let me come home with you. Lord Sesshomaru please." I pleaded with tears rolling down my cheeks. I spent years wanting him to know my feelings, and it was finally here. He squeezed my hand in response and cupped my cheek with his other. I couldn't believe this was happening. He looked at me with sad eyes before letting go of me and turning back around, "Rin I will not mate a human, please put those foolish thoughts aside, you are to stay here. I will be watching." Just like that he was gone, and I fell to my knees soaking my kimono with tears.