Disclaimer: Not mine.
A/N: This is my first His Dark Materials fanfiction. The ending of the Amber Spyglass
just made me cry, and it really lent itself to some angst.
He still wakes up at night.
It's been years and years but he still sits up in bed, gasping for breath, visions of warm flesh on his, golden hair brushing his face. And the tears run unchecked down his face, his throat tight and fingers clenched.
It's been years and year and the knife lays broken in his dresser drawer, but he still presses his face into his pillow and screams, the memories cloying and taunting him.
It's been years and years but he still gets up and presses his face to the cool window, whispering his pain to the rain outside. And he knows that if he let himself he would just lie down again and never wake up, because his memories far outshine his harsh reality.
It's been years and years and he can still see her bright eyes, hear her laugh, taste her tender lips on his. He whispers her name over and over and over, wanting more than anything in the world to hold her in his arms, and he finds himself reaching out for empty air. His arms drop down to his sides and he clutches at his chest to find some remnant of his shattered heart.
It's been years and year. An eternity.
He still wakes up at night.