Rise of the Dairy Products: A CONTINUATION OF THREE TALES
By Kal Ancalas
Author's Note: Meep…This promises to be a most exciting chapter. Sorry for not updating, guys…but I have algebra and AP Languages to keep up with, so yeah…Bleah.
The votes for the previous chapter are counted below. Note that if you voted for more than one character, I will count each vote individually.
Fox: 1
Roy: 2
"Ha, Fox! I am more popular than you!"
"Shut up…"
Yoshi: 1
Yoshi cries.
Falco: 1
"HEY! WHO STOLE MY VOTES!" some not-so-random person yelled.
Marth: 0 (A shocker)
Marth jumped off a cliff. Wait, no, he didn't, but that adds pizzazz.
Bowser: 1
"No comment."
M. Weed: 0
(beep) We are sorry, but M. Weed is not available right now. He is probably doing some evil work for the unholy Lord IamtehbestandIpwnu, or he's taping old Pokemon shows on his VCR. Leave your name and number after the tone, and he will return your call. (beep)
Broccoli Pie: 3
"WHAT!" Fox, Roy, Yoshi, Falco, Marth, Bowser, and M. Weed screamed. "We were beaten by a PLANT!"
"Not just any plant! A baked, crusted, topped with a sprinkling of cinnamon plant!"
"Yeah…Excuse me while I go cry." Yoshi said, sniffling.
-----
Wow! I never expected Broccoli Pie to win…actually, I just put that in as a joke. But, the votes have spoken and thus, Broccoli Pie shall be the focus of this chapter.
Although, a chapter with only one sentence, "AHH! FOX JUST STABBED ME AND HE'S EATING MY INNARDS!" likely wouldn't be too humorous, so I've had to tweak a few things.
First of all, I did plan to make Yoshi and Bowser the focuses, just in case there was a tie. But sheesh…they only received one vote each. So, how to write this? The answer lies in…omniscience.
For this chapter, Broccoli Pie will be the all-knowing omniscient narrator, offering his unique thoughts on each scene. Please, don't tell me you don't want to explore the mind of a broccoli pie. You know you want to. Oh yeah, Broccoli Pie is a bit…sadistic. Yeah. Just to let you know.
However, the next chapter will be narrated by Yoshi and Bowser. Sorry, but nothing you say will make me change this decision. Just remember, it's all part of the storyline.
-Kal Ancalas
-----
Those idiots again…I'm not getting paid enough for this.
Oh, hello. You might be wondering why you, the reader, are being entertained by a broccoli pie. "Have you gone mad?" you might ask. But, no, sadly, I am forced to be your guide.
Apparently, some nut-job who calls himself Kal Ancalas pulled me aside one day and said, "Listen, you have a dedicated fanbase out there. So if you narrate the next chapter of this epic, I'll give you a pay bonus." Naturally, being so naïve, I accepted.
I had no idea what I was in for. But, since you're here, we might as well begin.
Those three always sit at the same table, and eat broccoli pie. You know, those broccoli pies are actually pumpkin pies with green food coloring. No one in their right mind would actually eat a broccoli pie. Anyway, even if there was actual broccoli in it, it would be alive. And evil.
So why am I not evil? Well, that's a different story. Just know this for now.
The first person I shall introduce to you is called "Fox". As the name suggests, he is a fox. Who can speak and act civilized. Actually, scratch the latter. He just likes to shoot and/or eat stuff. However, for entertainment purposes, I shall refer to him as "Psycho Bulimic."
Next, we have "Yoshi." Well, what to say? Out of these three, Yoshi is probably the one with the most sense and self-control. Not only is he calm and collected, but he owns a kick-ass katana. Literally. Man, he doesn't get as much respect as the other sword-guys do. Blah. Yoshi's moniker is "Katana Dinosaur." Wow, that's such a slick name, isn't it?
And last…and least, we have "Roy." Probably the most erratic and idiotic of the trio, Roy can be blazingly smart one second, and dead as a nail the next. Don't ask me why; I didn't make these rules. Anyway, for some reason, he gets all the respect (even though his IQ is equal to that of a brain-dead Chihuahua.) Normally, I'd call him "Flaming Moron," but that is sort of cliché. You know? So, Roy's new name is now "Pretty Woman."
…Haha, just kidding. We'll stick with "Flaming Moron." What do you think?
So, back to the point of this story. Psycho Bulimic, Katana Dinosaur, and Flaming Moron were sitting around a table, eating a pumpkin/broccoli pie. And…yeah. They talked about stuff that I don't want to repeat. You know, Kal dubs those voices. No, really. You don't want to know what they're really saying. Like, for example, when Fox says "We have saved the world!…Again, that is," he's really saying, "Screw this! I want my paycheck now!" Yeah, you get the point.
Is this starting to sound like a documentary? Well, that would be bad. You know, documentaries suck. Like that time I watched a documentary on PBS. I've never needed so much information on black holes.
Anyhoos…I'm sure you're acquainted with Lord IamtehbestandIpwnu. To say what he is planning would be somewhat of a spoiler, see what I mean? And Kal won't let me spoil anything. I will say, though, that his plans DON'T, under any circumstances, involve taking over the world and establishing a corrupt monarchy on this planet. You didn't hear it from us.
And, of course, I must not take care to include his inept disciple, M. Weed. Of course, M. Weed wants nothing more than the respect of his leader. And, a lifetime supply of Pokemon plushies.
Don't ask me why M. Weed hates Barney. Come on, who can resist a methamphetamine-high purple dinosaur? Yeah. You get the point.
So, Psycho Bulimic said, "How long do you think it will be before we save the world again?"
And Katana Dinosaur said, "I dunno…I guess a day or so. M. Weed will probably try again, but…" He tapped on the table with his katana.
"Where'd you get the katana?"
Yoshi didn't answer. And for good reason: Actually, he stole it. Of course. I wouldn't expect anything less.
"That's not the point." Flaming Moron said. "We must defeat M. Weed before he allows Lord IamtehbestandIpwnu to set up a corrupt monarchy on this planet!"
"But I'm hungry…" Psycho Bulimic whined. Duh, he's always hungry.
"I hate to admit this, but Roy is right. We have to find Weed and get him for good!" Katana Dinosaur said.
"Hey, you didn't call me Flaming Moron!" Flaming Moron said happily.
"Don't count on it, sucker." Katana Dinosaur got up and walked away.
This is getting somewhat monotonous…So I'll skip to the second storyline.
-----
All right. I'm sure you're acquainted with our poor heroes, Falco, Marth, and Bowser. Of course, I must give each of them a cynic nickname. Hey, it's just my personality. Live with it.
Falco is, to put it bluntly, a lucky dumbass. Don't get me wrong, Falco usually isn't that lucky. But come on. He got a promotion just for some freaking Pine-Sol. I wish I were that lucky. Then I could get a golden pie tin for my crust. But never mind that. Falco's name is "Temperamental Butthead." Moving on.
Marth is a narcissist. Uh-huh. He applies beauty cream everywhere…even in places he shouldn't. Ugh, disgusting. Sometimes being omniscient isn't such a great thing. And, yeah, he DOES play with Barbies. But no one needs to know that. So for now, I'll call him "Sexy Swordsman." Not that I think of him as sexy. If I want sexy, I'll call up a rhubarb crumble sometime.
And finally, we have Bowser. Sometimes, I think of Bowser as the exact opposite of Falco. Whilst Falco is a lucky dumbass, Bowser is an unlucky genius. I mean, he keeps thinking up diabolical plans to take over the Mushroom Kingdom, wherever that is. Unfortunately, none of them worked, so he's been working a stint as a Smasher. His alias shall be, "Ultimate Mega Evil Destructor of Freaking Doom."
Or, on second thought, perhaps not. We'll refer to him as "Evil Grandma."
Then again, on third thought, perhaps just "Bob" will be fine.
Let's see…We have Psycho Bulimic, Katana Dinosaur, Flaming Moron, Temperamental Butthead, Sexy Swordsman, and Bob. Yeah, I think that sums it up.
So, at last count, I believe that Sexy Swordsman and Bob were still janitors, while Temperamental Butthead was working the mail circuit. Someday, when you're not reading this stupid story, go do something with your life and become a mail clerk. You'll get just enough money to evade high tax rates but enough to go out for beer every day. Wow, what a life.
Now…where were we? Oh, yes. M. Weed is also a janitor. A low-end janitor, I should mention. Bob is ordering him around. For example:
"Weed! Gimme a soda!"
"Yes, Mr. Bowser, sir!"
"Weed! Gimme a box of crackers!"
"Yes, Mr. Bowser, sir!"
"Weed! Clip my toenails!"
"Yes, Mr. Bowser, sir!"
I think you can see where this is going. After a week of this, Temperamental Butthead, Sexy Swordsman, and Bob had raised precisely…(does math) 578 dollars, after taxes. Actually, not bad. 14 more weeks and they'll raise enough for a Ultimate Pocket Entertainment System, which is NOT affiliated with Plagiarizers, Ltd. Thank you very much.
But of course, we don't want to wait seven weeks, so let's look and see how Temperamental Butthead is doing in the mail room.
"BOOYEAH!"
"WICKED BEER, FALCO!"
"I JUST THREW UP OVER A STACK OF MAIL!"
"PEACE! PEACE! PEACE!"
Enough of that…The boss isn't going to be happy. Ugh. Beer-tinted barf all over his executive business deals. What say we skip to Psycho Bulimic, Katana Dinosaur, and Flaming Moron?
-----
"Where is M. Weed hiding?"
"I don't know."
"Then, now what?"
"How about we track Lord IamtehbestandIpwnu down and kick his-"
Whoops. Censored. Moving on.
"-s! You with me, guys?"
"I'm hungry!" Psycho Bulimic said.
Katana Dinosaur and Flaming Moron stared. "All right, you can get some sustenance, but make it fast."
"Yay!" Psycho Bulimic returned with a huge pile of broccoli pie and donuts. I wasn't lying when I told you he has bulimia.
After a long and rather disgusting bout with an eating disorder, Psycho Bulimic, Katana Dinosaur, and Flaming Moron were good to go.
(Cue Taco Bell ad here)
"HI! BUY OUR STUFF BECAUSE IT'S FUN, TASTY, AND RIDICULOUSLY HIGH IN CHOLESTEROL! AND REMEMBER, IT'S ALL GOOD TO GO! THINK OUTSIDE THE BUN!"
(End ad)
Umm…What the hell was that? Well, anyway, our three heroes were all good to go when…
"I GOTTA GO!" Psycho Bulimic screamed and ran to the bathroom.
Katana Dinosaur sighed. "Perhaps we should call Fox the Flaming Moron instead."
About 20 minutes later, the bulimic returned.
"Don't go in there for, say, an hour."
Katana Dinosaur sighed. "I swear I'm surrounded by idiots."
Me too…Me too. But let's continue.
"Where could Lord IamtehbestandIpwnu be?"
"Probably lost in a warp in the time-space continuum." Flaming Moron murmured.
"I'm not going to ask…"
"How do we get into the time-space continuum?"
"BUILD A TIME MACHINE, GENIUS!"
"No, that won't work." Psycho Bulimic sighed. "It would take billions of dollars and years of research to do that."
"You got any other suggestions?"
"I GOT IT! WE'LL BUILD A TIME MACHINE!"
Sometimes, I'm so ashamed of Fox. Continuing…
"Fox, you are just plain stupid."
"At least I'm not a FLAMING MORON!"
"Hey! Who are you calling a Flaming Moron?"
"Um, you…"
"I KEEL YOU!"
While we wait for this little skirmish to end, we'll jump over to the second storyline. 'Kay?
-----
"Weed! Gimme a broccoli pie!"
"Yes, sir!"
Let me sum it up. Sexy Swordsman is working his butt off, Weed is serving Bob, and Temperamental Butthead is sorting mail/getting drunk. However, the story wouldn't be very interesting this way, so yeah. After another week, the three's total cash count is 1156 dollars. Wow. Who would've thought?
After a while, Weed starts getting smart.
"My true loyalty is to my Lord IamtehbestandIpwnu, not this stinker!"
Ohmygod. Such a clichéd line. Not only did that sound retarded, but it totally…yup.
So Weed poisons Bob's pie with cyanide, then runs away. Yay.
Of course, though, Bob's already eaten talking milk and old, poisoned 87 year milk, and god knows what else. So of course, a little cyanide won't hurt him a bit. Maybe give him some gas, but not any permanent effects.
PHHHHTTTT!
I should probably mention two things right here.
1.) Sexy Swordsman was fixing a busted pipe with a blowtorch.
2.) Farts ARE flammable.
To put it simply, the whole room kinda…blew up. Yup yup. And Bob and Sexy Swordsman both got pay cuts…again.
Now, let's see what's happening in the mail room.
"OH MY GOD! I CAN MAKE PHOTOCOPIES OF MY BUTT!"
Erm…I really don't want to know.
Well, let's just say that the threesome eventually made enough money to buy their dream toy, because I'm getting really tired of telling you what Falco's doing in the mail room. Back to our first storyline.
"LET'S GO KICK SOME BUTT!" Psycho Bulimic and Katana Dinosaur cheered.
"SWORDS ARE SHINY!"
Yeep…Let's get this over with. They built the time machine in 3 minutes, due to unexplained reasons.
"Wow! The time space continuum is shiny!"
"You are an idiot."
"I see a pie…"
"Wait! That pie is Lord IamtehbestandIpwnu's ship! Let's blow it up!"
Psycho Bulimic took out his donut bazooka and blew the whole thing up. The end.
Lying. Here's what actually happened.
"Fox! You still got any of these nuclear warheads?"
"Nope. Bowser stole them all in Fox, Roy, Yoshi 4."
"What the hell is that? That sounds like a crappy story about our jacked-up lives!"
"Exactly. But I still have some remote mines." Fox said. He unloaded some and threw them at the ship, then blew them up. The end.
Heh. You didn't think a few mines would stop the great and mighty Lord IamtehbestandIpwnu, did you?
Actually, it didn't blow the whole thing up, but it did shut down their ship's functions for an undetermined period of time. Yay!
Now…How do Fox, Roy, and Yoshi get back to their present day?
"Oh, CRAP…"
"Fox! Please, please tell me the time machine is around here somewhere!"
"Umm…Well…Er…"
"YOU FREAKING IDIOT!" Katana Dinosaur and Flaming Moron proceeded to beat the shizz out of poor Psycho Bulimic.
Well…My time's up. I'm off to collect my paycheck. Until next time, people.
THE END
Author's Note: Evil broccoli pie…He left us a cliffhanger. GAHH! Well, I can't type anymore because I think I have CTS, and besides I'm out of ideas. But hey, don't think I'll leave those three stranded in space forever.
Coming soon in April or May: Fox, Roy, Yoshi 7: Freaking Idiots in Time!
- :3, Kal Ancalas