She Don't Dream for Me
By: caramelo
I do not own One Tree Hill or anything related to it
Chapter Eight: The Spark
Brooke and Nathan must have been in the car for hours. That's what it felt like at least. Brooke glanced at the neon numbers of Nathan's clock and nearly groaned. It had only been five minutes.
The silence was unbearable. It was thick and heavy, and Brooke was going to go insane. She fidgeted. There was no escape. Unless she wanted to jump out of a moving vehicle. Not a very bright idea, of course. But as the seconds ticked by, she couldn't help but sneak glances at the door handle. She looked at the speedometer. They were only going twenty-five…
Without really thinking about it, Brooke unlocked her door and wrapped her fingers around the handle. She had to get out, had to get away. She might end up with a few scratches, but who cared? Anything to escape.
"What the hell are you doing, Brooke?" Nathan asked irritably.
With a start, Brooke realized he was glancing back at her every now and then. He probably had been for a while now. She stared back at him uncomprehendingly for a few moments and then looked back at her hand clutching the door handle tightly. She shook her head and loosened her hold. What was wrong with her?
"I'm not exactly sure," she admitted. "I think I was trying to get out."
Nathan looked at her incredulously. "You were going to jump out of the car?"
The idea seemed to get worse by the second as Brooke regained her bearings. She shrugged sheepishly. "Yeah, I'm pretty sure I was."
Rolling his eyes towards the roof, exasperated, Nathan berated her. "Are you fucking insane, Brooke? Are you? Do you have some type of death wish?"
"If there were ever a time to have one, it'd be now," Brooke grumbled.
Nathan slammed on the brakes, throwing both of them forward violently. Brooke gasped as the seatbelt dug into her stomach and knocked the breath out of her. She turned furiously towards Nathan, demanding explanation. "Can you even hear yourself?" he growled. "Do you have any idea what you're saying?"
Brooke glared defiantly back. "I didn't say I wanted to die, Nathan. I just meant that tonight has been beyond shitty, okay?"
He visibly relaxed, but Nathan's jaw was still set, and his eyes still conveyed both worry and anger. "You scare me sometimes, Brooke. You really do."
Brooke stiffened. "What are you talking about? That one little slip-up? God, Nathan, I didn't mean it. I'm not suicidal."
"It's not just that," Nathan said tightly.
There was this feeling, just this feeling that Brooke had that this shouldn't be happening. They were going too far, too deep. It was dangerous. But Brooke had never worried about danger before. "What are you saying?" she demanded.
Nathan shook his head. He had obviously come to the same revelation she had. "Never mind," he said.
Brooke didn't like it when people denied her. "Tell me, Nathan," she said firmly. "I want to know."
"Brooke, no," Nathan said. "I don't even know what I was talking about."
"Bullshit," Brooke's voice rose angrily. "Stop being so difficult and tell me."
"There's nothing for me to say," Nathan said. He was obviously struggling to keep the last shreds of his composure.
"You didn't used to be afraid to say what was on your mind," Brooke said viciously, "Haley must have turned you into an awful big pussy."
Nathan slammed on his brakes again. This time Brooke was prepared, expecting it even. What she wasn't expecting was the glare of intense fury written across his face when he looked back at her. She should have been, but she hadn't. He was even angrier than Lucas had been earlier. "That's not even funny, Brooke!" he exploded. "Don't ever say anything like that again!"
"You don't see me laughing, do you?" Brooke said coldly.
"You're such a bitch," Nathan spat.
"So I guess we're gonna start name-calling then," Brooke rolled her eyes. "What's the matter, Nathan? Can't handle the truth?"
"That's the farthest thing from the truth, and you know it!" Nathan yelled.
Brooke sneered. "If you really thought that, then you wouldn't be getting so upset right now," she pointed out.
Nathan fell silent. His shoulders slumped. "You know what?" he said. "I give up. It's not worth it. I'm not fighting with you anymore."
"Because you know you'd lose," Brooke purred in his ear. "You know I'm right, so you've got nothing to fight with."
Nathan turned his head, and Brooke was struck by how close they were, their faces only centimeters apart. "Shut the hell up, Brooke," Nathan said in a raspy, desperate voice.
Brooke paid no heed. "Face it, Nate," she whispered harshly. "Haley's dragged you under so far, you can't even tell which way is up again. She's got you whipped. You can't make a move without getting it approved by her first."
Nathan started at her blankly for a few seconds. Brooke felt uneasy. She had gone too far, and she knew it. Maybe she should apologize. Brooke was seriously considering it for a few seconds. Then, without warning, his lips crashed onto hers. Brooke's eyes shot wide open, and she gasped. She was completely paralyzed with shock. Only one thing seemed run through her mind: This was one hell of a kiss. Nothing compared to it; nobody could match it. Before Brooke could properly return it though, Nathan pulled away.
"Do you think Haley would have approved of that?" he said in a tight voice. Not saying another word, he pulled away from the side of the road and began driving again. He refused to look at her.
Brooke felt like screaming and crying all over again. What she had just said and done, it was sick. What she had just driven Nathan to do…Shit, she really was going to be sick. "Nathan?" she said in a small voice. He ignored her. "Nathan," she repeated urgently.
Luckily, he seemed to sense some of her desperation. It didn't stop him from being furious. "What?" he barked, annoyed.
"Pull over. I'm going to be sick."
Nathan froze. He looked over at Brooke. She really did look pretty green. "Not in my car!" Nathan exclaimed. He brought his car to a screeching halt and unbuckled Brooke's seatbelt for her while she opened the door. Brooke got out just in time to reach some bushes before she started vomiting.
Brooke wasn't all too aware of her surroundings, but she knew at some point during all her puking that she had fallen to her knees, and Nathan had come to her. She could feel his fingers brushing against her neck as he held her hair back.
After she had expelled just about everything there was from her system, Brooke just sat there for a moment, taking in deep gasps of breath that tasted foul in her mouth. She was shaking and sweaty and felt like crying again. It had been such a long night. She was so exhausted. A few tears ran down her cheek. Brooke wiped them away and shut her eyes quickly, mortified. She was such a mess. Nathan must have hated her.
If he did, Nathan did a decent job of covering up. He wrapped an arm around her tentatively. Brooke sighed and leaned into his embrace without thinking. It was so comforting. More comforting than anything else could have been at that moment.
Brooke felt like breaking down and sobbing, right then and there. But she couldn't. She knew she couldn't. For all the crying Brooke had done over the last few days, it had never been uncontrollable, or if it had, never in front of other people. That would make things too real. Besides, she had an image to upkeep. An image of tough, bad-ass Brooke Davis. She couldn't afford to damage it even more.
They stayed like that for a long time. Exhausted from trying to fend off the tears for so long, Brooke began to nod off. Nathan shook her gently. "Come on, Davis," he said. "Time to get you home. No more stops along the way."
His tone was kind, but Brooke couldn't help but cringe at his use of her last name. It was his way of letting her know that he was sympathetic, but things were not okay between them. They probably never would be after what had happened. She just nodded and got up, somewhat awkwardly. The spell was over, the spell that had wiped both of their memories temporarily blank of the kiss, and now they had no idea what to do. But they both knew that now wasn't the time to talk about it. Maybe later, but not now.
The rest of the car ride was in complete silence. This time, Brooke didn't find it nearly so imposing. She welcomed it, in fact. She could have gone on forever, just riding in the car, halfway between consciousness and sleeping, just concentrating on keeping her mind carefully blank.
But nothing was forever, and it wasn't long before they pulled into the parking lot of Nathan's apartment. "Can you make it home all right?" Nathan said flatly. Brooke nodded. There was nothing else to say, so she opened her door and began to climb out. Nathan grabbed her wrist. She twisted around, confused, and he loosened his hold.
"Tomorrow, okay?" he said. "We need to talk tomorrow."
Brooke took a deep breath. "Yeah, tomorrow."
She was dreading tomorrow.
Brooke got in her car. For a few seconds, she just stared at the wheel in front of her. Her mind was completely overrun, and she felt so helpless. She blinked, hard, and sighed. It was time to go home.
Pulling out of the parking lot, she couldn't help but catch Nathan's eyes through her rearview mirror. She was oddly reminded of just a few hours ago, when Nikki had started this whole mess by revealing that Brooke was pregnant. Nathan had looked at her then too, calm and accepting, soothing her. This time, Nathan's expression wasn't nearly as calm or accepting. It was confused and frightened, just as she imagined hers was. But it soothed her just the same, and judging from the way his eyes were softening, she was soothing him too. She knew it was wrong to think, but something about them just felt so right. They understood each other.
Brooke didn't take her gaze off Nathan until he had all but disappeared in her mirror. She shook her head as the memories of their kiss accosted her. It was wrong. Beyond wrong. She had been such a bitch.
Brooke's car swerved a little, and she started with shock. Maybe now wasn't the best time to be thinking about that. For now, she'd just keep her mind clear, free of any thoughts, just as she had been doing for most of the night.
When Brooke reached her house, she ran straight to her bathroom to brush her teeth, scrubbing hard in hopes of erasing the kiss and the sickness that had come afterwards. Afterwards, she stumbled into her room and ripped off her dress but was too tired to slip into a nightshirt. Her underwear would suffice for tonight; it wasn't like anybody else was home. Finally, she allowed her fragmented, broken memories to confront her, and she met them head-on. She wasn't hiding from them anymore.
They raced through her mind mercilessly, like a movie playing in her head with choppy editing. Tears streaked down her face as she revisited the bar where she had revealed to Nikki she was pregnant, and Nathan's apartment where Nikki had told everybody else. She saw herself, nearly hysterical, as she ripped her friends apart, and then screaming until she was hoarse in the pouring rain.
Then she relived the kiss. That god-awful, desperate kiss. It was an act of fury, an act of hatred, and had nothing to do with love. She hadn't expected it. Neither of them had really. She was sure Nathan hadn't even thought about what he was doing until the deed had been done. The kiss from hell that she wished with all her heart she could forget. It was ripping her apart.
But what she really wished she could forget, even more than the kiss, what was really tearing her apart, was how the kiss had made her feel. Of course it was sick and twisted and wrong, and it was never meant to happen. Brooke knew it was true. She wouldn't lie to herself. But some part of her, a surprisingly large part actually, had felt the spark when their lips touched.
Brooke hated herself for it. She really did.
One lone sob tore through the silence of the room. A few seconds later, it was followed by another. And another. Brooke tried her best to stifle them. She couldn't start crying like this now. Not after how hard she had worked to keep them in.
But she was powerless, and the sobs were merciless. They kept coming. Sometime, much later, when the sobs had dissolved into tears, Brooke finally fell asleep.
When Brooke woke up the next morning, it was to the sound of a rock pinging against her window. Actually, it was to the sound of a rock pinging and then breaking through her window. She jumped up, frightened, and wrapped her quilt around her tightly.
"Shit!" a voice swore when the person had realized what he or she had done. Brooke abandoned the quilt and threw a ratty cream-colored silk robe on. She peered hesitantly through her window. It was Nathan. Fuck.
Nathan didn't look too happy either. "I'll pay for that," he promised.
"Like you have the money," Brooke shot back.
Nathan sighed. "Just let me in, Brooke."
Brooke hoped she didn't look as nervous as she really was. "Meet me at the front door," she said. Nathan nodded.
It was all she could do not to bound down the stairs and take them two at a time. Instead, Brooke forced herself to take it slow. She had to remain calm, cool, and most of all, collected. Nathan couldn't suspect a thing. He could never know how he had affected her last night.
She opened the door reluctantly and let Nathan step inside. "Took you long enough," he muttered. Brooke cocked a brow. Had she really overdone it or was Nathan just anxious to see her?
"Yeah, well…" Brooke muttered. Too late, she realized that she didn't really have anything to say.
Nathan looked back at her. "Well what?" he snapped.
Brooke shrugged lamely. "I'm not exactly sure."
Nathan rolled his eyes. It made Brooke wince, but she wasn't exactly sure why. It wasn't like she needed his approval.
But, as much as she denied it to herself, she wanted his approval. Badly.
"So I bet everyone was pretty annoyed last night when you finally called them last night," Brooke said tentatively, trying to make conversation.
"Yeah, they were," Nathan said sharply. "But you can't really blame them, can you?"
Brooke winced. "No," she said softly. "No, I can't."
"Didn't think so," he said.
Brooke sighed. An awkward silence filled the room. Neither of them wanted to talk about what they really had to talk about, but they knew that somebody had to bring it up. It was just a question of who would make the first move.
It was now or never. Brooke took a deep breath. "So about last night…"
"I'm sorry," Nathan said.
Wide eyes met his apology. Brooke had been expecting to beg and plead for forgiveness until she keeled over. What did he have to be sorry for? She had been the one to instigate everything. She had been a total bitch last night.
"You're sorry?" Brooke finally repeated uncertainly.
"Yeah," Nathan said, "I am. Really. Forgive me?"
"For what?" Brooke asked incredulously.
Nathan looked supremely uncomfortable. He shifted slightly. "For what I did last night. For kissing you."
"But that was my fault," Brooke said, furrowing a brow. What drugs was he on? Did he not remember anything that had happened?
It was Nathan's turn to look surprised. "But I was the one who started it," he argued.
"But I acted like…" Brooke trailed off. "Wait," she said slowly, "are we arguing over who gets to take the blame?"
Nathan thought about it for a second and nodded, "Yeah. We are."
Brooke smirked. "I bet we sound pretty stupid."
"Yeah," Nathan grinned back. "I bet we do." A strange expression crossed over his face. He shook his head firmly. "No," he said, mostly to himself. He looked back down at Brooke. "We can't try to play this off as if it never happened."
"Why not?" Brooke asked desperately.
"Because we kissed, Brooke! We kissed last night. It was not a small thing," Nathan said.
"Yes, it was!" Brooke exclaimed. "Remember, back before Hal--" Brooke thought better of mentioning her name, "—back before all this, all this drama? Kissing was never a big thing. God, having sex was like, not even worth mentioning most of the time. It was no big deal."
"It was different then," Nathan countered. "We've changed. I've changed. Kissing you was betraying Haley."
"All the more reason not to tell her," Brooke reasoned. "You and I, we know that kissing doesn't have to always mean something. But Haley, she's different. She's one of those naïve little girls who still thinks that someday her prince will come rescue her from her fairytale castle. To her, kissing is like, I don't know, like sharing your soul or something. We know better, Nathan. We know it's not a big thing. She doesn't. She'll say you cheated on her."
"I did cheat on her," Nathan said morosely.
"Nathan," Brooke said patiently. "It was one kiss. One kiss barely counts as cheating. Besides, you didn't even want the kiss, so really, it doesn't count at all. Don't tear Haley apart by making her think you did something way worse than what actually happened."
Nathan massaged his temples. He nodded. "You're right," he sighed. "I'm being an idiot."
"No, you're not," Brooke said. Her voice was touched with jealousy. For Haley. "You're just being a loyal boyfriend."
"Thanks, Brooke," Nathan said. "I guess I should go now."
"It'd probably be for the best," Brooke agreed. "Go out with Haley to the mall or something. Do something fun. Forget this ever happened."
"I should do that," Nathan said. He and Brooke reached the front door. She opened it. "See ya around."
Brooke nodded. She smiled, "Bye, Nate."
Nathan walked out, and Brooke shut the door behind him, hearing the click as it locked into place. She leaned back against it and swallowed. For some reason, there was a lump in her throat. Her eyes were getting kind of watery too.
A soft knock on the door startled her. Who could it be? Had they seen Nathan just walk out? Did they suspect anything? Was there anything to suspect? Brooke peered through the peephole and relaxed. It was just Nathan again. She forced herself not to get excited. He had probably just forgotten something. Brooke racked her mind, trying to think of something he could have left behind. She came up with nothing. Then why was he here?
As if in slow motion, Brooke saw Nathan begin to turn away. Her eyes widened, and she threw open the door. "Nathan?" she said breathlessly from a mini-panic attack. Nathan turned, surprised. Brooke cocked a brow. "Did you just knock?" she asked, even though she already knew the answer.
Nathan stood dumbly for a few seconds before shaking himself out of it with a start. "Yeah, actually I did," he said, "I didn't think you would hear…" He cut himself short. "Anyway, I had a question."
Brooke nodded him on. "What is it?"
"Well," Nathan said. He was looking anywhere but her. Which was kind of hard, considering her robe was coming awfully loose. She seemed to notice this and blushed, pulling it tighter around her. "It's a hypothetical one, really. There's not that much use in even asking."
"Just spit it out, Nathan," Brooke advised.
Nathan took a deep breath. "Okay," he said. He seemed to be gathering his courage. He seemed to be looking past her, or above her, just not at her. "What you said about that whole 'it doesn't count as cheating if you didn't really want it' thing…"
His eyes finally locked on hers.
"What if I did want it?"