She Don't Dream for Me
By: caramelo
I do not own One Tree Hill or anything related to it.
Chapter Thirteen: Her Choice
"You don't have to do this, you know," Brooke said for the umpteenth time that night since she and Nathan had arrived at his apartment. "It's not too late. I can still drive Haley's car back over to my house."
Nathan snorted as he fumbled around his apartment, looking around for extra sheets. He finally found them in the hall closet (they were probably the only damned things in his apartment that were actually where they were supposed to be) and grumbled something that sounded suspiciously similar to, "Like hell."
"I mean it," Brooke protested from her spot on the couch as Nathan began tucking the sheets into the cushions. She jumped up after noticing that she was in serious danger of being tucked in herself and impatiently tapped her foot as he fluffed a couple pillows and threw them up at the head of the couch. "It's not like I'm going to run away again."
Nathan seemed to run out of things to do as he finally took the time to straighten up and actually acknowledge her. "No offense Brooke, but I don't believe you," he said, not entirely unkindly, "all you've been doing lately is running away."
Brooke opened her mouth to protest but found that she couldn't dispute his words. "I-I guess you're right," she said somewhat lamely, defeated.
Nathan nodded and just like that, he was no longer standing in front of her anymore. "You want anything?" he asked, walking towards the kitchen. "Soda, water, geez, I don't know…tea?"
"Tea?" Brooke snorted at the mental image of Nathan scurrying around the kitchen, making tea. "Um, no thanks. I'm fine."
"You sure?" Nathan asked, oblivious. Brooke nodded, and he shrugged before heading into the kitchen. She watched the door swing back and forth behind him before casting herself down on the couch with a sigh, careful not to disturb the sheets Nathan had worked so hard on.
She didn't know why she was arguing so much. Not much earlier that evening, in fact, she had been all hot on the idea. She had practically been obsessing over it. But somewhere along the car ride over, as she followed the bright yellow taillights of Nathan's car, Brooke had begun to have her doubts. Maybe staying over at Nathan's wasn't such a great idea. Maybe he didn't even want her there. Most likely, Nathan just saw her as a giant mess who couldn't be trusted to handle herself alone.
But that wasn't even the worst part. Maybe Nathan was just humoring her. Brooke had made her feelings towards him pretty apparent in the bar. He had been the one to grab onto her, of course, but she had been the one who refused to let go. She could have played it off as just confusion, Brooke supposed. It had been so hot in there, and the people seemed to clamor around her, making her head swirl, but she knew that wasn't the reason. And she had a sick feeling that Nathan did too.
Then, it hadn't seemed so bad. Nathan hadn't exactly seemed opposed as his fingers closed around hers as he led her through the packed room. But when they had gotten out to the parking lot, Brooke still hadn't let go, letting him pull her along towards their parked cars as well. Somehow, Brooke had noticed vaguely, he had managed to find a spot only a couple spaces away from hers.
A few feet away from their cars, Nathan had turned on Brooke rather suddenly. Brooke had flinched back in surprise, but Nathan put his free hand on her shoulder to steady her. "Follow me," he had told her firmly. "Don't run."
Brooke had only nodded, fazed, and Nathan squeezed her shoulder, once, then twice, before pulling away to walk towards his car. It was only then that Brooke remembered that she was still holding onto him. "Oops," Nathan said, smiling tightly. Brooke flushed and loosened her grip, allowing Nathan to pull his hand away.
"Sorry," she said.
Nathan shook his head. "No big deal." And that was when he went to get in his car, but not before giving one last warning. "Follow me," he said again, and just like she had done the last time, Brooke had nodded, feeling hazy, like she was in a dream.
Luckily, Brooke reflected wryly, she had been given the car ride to snap out of her daze, saving her from further embarrassment. Otherwise, she might as well just go ahead and lock herself in her bedroom to avoid ever being seen again.
Nathan came back out of the kitchen with two glasses in his hands filled almost to the brim with water. He sat down on the couch beside her and offered her one. "Thought you might have changed your mind," he said with a shrug.
"In all of five minutes?"
Nathan shrugged again as he reached to set the extra glass on the table in front of him. "Just being polite."
"Nathan Scott, polite?" Brooke quirked a brow. "Wonders never cease."
"Yeah well you're on your own for the next one," he retorted, watching her pointedly as she brought the glass up to her lips. She rolled her eyes in return. "You wanna watch some TV or something?"
Brooke shrugged. "Whatever you want. Your house not mine."
"You got a point there," he agreed, grabbing the remote from the coffee table to flip through the channels. It wasn't long till he found a basketball game playing and settled back on the couch with a content sigh. Brooke, however, remained unnaturally stiff on the edge of the seat, and Nathan couldn't help but notice and feel stirrings of unease. "What's wrong?" he asked warily.
Nose scrunched, Brooke conveyed her distaste for his pick rather effectively. "Do we really have to watch this?" she whined.
Nathan sighed again, but not from content. "I thought it was 'my house, my choice.' Remember?"
"Well, yeah," Brooke said, obviously put-out, "but I didn't expect you to pick basketball."
"You didn't?" Nathan questioned dubiously.
Brooke shot him a look. "Okay, maybe it crossed my mind, but I hoped maybe you got enough of it in your day-to-day life."
Nathan grinned. "I don't think that's possible."
Crossing her arms over her chest, Brooke scowled. "Whatever. I hate basketball."
Nathan looked at her blankly. "But you cheer for it."
"I'm good at flipping and even better at gossiping," Brooke said. "You think we actually pay attention to the games?"
It was Nathan's turn to scowl. "Well, yeah. I guess I always figured that you guys liked to watch us."
Brooke laughed and batted her eyelashes flirtatiously. "Of course we watch you. Just not what you guys happen to be doing or something stupid like the score."
"Perverts," Nathan muttered, painfully aware of the fact that his ears were flushing red.
To his horror, Brooke noticed and gave one a good flick. "Like you aren't," she said good-naturedly.
"Me?" Nathan grinned wolfishly, trying to sound innocent.
"Right, what was I thinking?" Brooke said as she rolled her eyes. "You've always been such a gentleman, Nathan Scott." She happened to spy the remote in his hands and realized how off topic they had gotten. It was strange how easy it was for their conversation to flow so naturally when all the times they had talked before had been so awkward. It was nice, Brooke thought with a smile before her eyes returned to the remote. "Anyway, the whole point of this little talk was for me," she paused for dramatic effect, "to get this." She snatched the remote out of his hands before he had a chance to process what was happening.
"Hey!" Nathan yelled, and with all his seasoned basketball reflexes, managed to grab back the remote before Brooke could pull it in and shield it properly. Not that it did him much use, he reflected, as Brooke went into full pout mode. "That's not going to work," Nathan warned. "Haley's done it so much, I'm practically immune."
Haley. The name dropped from his mouth like lead and then hung thickly in the air between them. Brooke's playful pout flickered on her face, and Nathan found himself regretting ever mentioning her. But, why? She was his girlfriend. He had every right to bring her up. He should be bringing her up more, in fact. He should feel guilty for not thinking about her more.
Because he really hadn't been thinking about her at all lately. Sure, he had given her a quick call on the ride home from the bar, telling her to let everyone know that he had found Brooke and assuring her that her car was fine and would be returned tomorrow. Then, obviously, he had wrapped up the call pretty quickly, other things understandably on his mind, but he had told her, like always, that he…
No, he hadn't. She had said, "Okay, bye. I love you, Nate," and he had shifted uncomfortably in his seat and said, "Yeah, you too." But that was practically the same thing, right? Nathan furrowed a brow.
"Hello, earth to Nate," Brooke said, waving a hand in front of his face. Her pout was firmly back in place, and Nathan tried ignore the way it opened an uneasy pit in his stomach. "Nathan," Brooke said again impatiently. "Focus on me here, okay? Because, I'm actually going to cry if I miss the final rose ceremony this week. It's on ABC."
And just like that, the discomfort that had invaded the room passed.
"You're such a pain," Nathan said with a rueful smile but relinquished the remote anyway. Brooke smirked.
"I knew I'd get to you."
"It's impossible to say no to you, Brooke."
There was a pause, and then Brooke looked away, staring hard at the television. "You'd be surprised."
Nathan grimaced and had the sudden impulse to take her hand. So he did. Brooke looked back at him, surprised. "Lucas was a real ass," Nathan said seriously. "Nobody supports what he did.
Brooke smiled again, but it was bitter. "I wasn't talking about Lucas," she said tightly and slipped her hand out from his grasp.
Nathan sat for a second in complete silence. What did that mean? Was she trying to…insinuate something? Did he want her to be? His mind reeled. Did he? Nathan felt a sick sense of guilt. He knew the answer. But there was no way she…it was Brooke. She didn't like him like that. Did she?
And for fuck sake, what about Haley? Why did he keep forgetting about her?
Finally, Nathan spoke, his voice surprisingly calm, albeit low, despite his racing thoughts. "So then who are you talking about?"
Brooke's expression was strained. "A little forward, aren't you?"
"Sorry," Nathan said quickly, although he knew the only thing he was sorry about was that she hadn't told him.
"I can't tell you, anyway," Brooke said apologetically. "Not today, maybe never. It wouldn't be fair."
"Wouldn't be fair to who?" Nathan wheedled. He wasn't sure if he wanted to know the answer, but he was still desperate for it.
"To him," Brooke said firmly. "It wouldn't be fair to him." She fixed him with a hard stare. "You see, he's got kind of a lot going on right now. And I've put him through so much already."
Nathan's breathing was suddenly very labored. She couldn't be talking about—but maybe...And Nathan finally accepted the fact that he wanted her to be. "Maybe you're underestimating him," he said, choosing his words carefully.
Brooke's gaze was piercing. It was amazing that such a fun-loving, flighty girl could be so intense. "And maybe I'm protecting him," she said frankly. "Maybe he doesn't realize how much he'd be taking on, and giving up, if he got involved with me."
Haley flashed across his mind. That was the first of the flood of images. Brooke's unborn baby, her hard partying, her highs and lows, the drinking, the family problems, the hurt and distrust Lucas had caused her, the flightiness. Nathan reached out, putting his hand on her shoulder, ignoring the thrill that burned his fingers and palm when he did, and returned her stare, matching its intensity.
"I think you're wrong," he said. "Like, if it were me you were talking about...I've been through a lot this past year, Brooke, but the one thing I've never needed is to be protected."
Brooke's breath caught. Her eyes, staring at him so intently before, lost focus. Then, suddenly, she withdrew from him, as if burned. Her fist clenched around the sheet. "I think you should go," she said.
"Brooke," Nathan protested, opening his mouth to say more.
She cut him off. "No," she said decisively, "I'm tired. I really think you should go."
Nathan was stubborn, but he didn't want to make things any worse at the moment. He knew Brooke wouldn't be able to handle it. Not now. "Okay," he said gently. He rose from the couch without further argument and turned off the light. He turned just before entering his bedroom. "But I wasn't lying. Remember that."
How could she forget?
Long after Nathan had changed and brushed his teeth and climbed into bed, Brooke was still lying on the couch, sheets pulled up past her chest, staring up at the ceiling. She knew there would be no sleep for her tonight. No chance at all.
She was furious. At herself and at Nathan. They had overstepped their boundaries. Brooke had promised herself she wouldn't ever turn into Peyton. And while they hadn't done anything particularly incriminating, like kiss again or something worse, Brooke had a feeling that that conversation alone hadn't been right while Nathan still was dating Haley. It should have waited.
And Brooke shouldn't have been feeling this terrible sense of excitement rising from the bottom of her stomach, making her breathing grow shallow. She shouldn't have been picturing that tragic kiss they had shared, thinking about how it was very possible that they might be having another one, much better than the one before, possibly very soon. But it was more than that. Despite her glee, Brooke could also feel an equal amount of doubt and anxiety washing over her. Nathan couldn't really understand how hard it would be, could he? He said he did, but…that was impossible. She was so unbelievably screwed up.
And yet, there hadn't been much lately that she had censored from him. She had really let him have it, in fact. And he hadn't run away screaming yet. He should have if he had any sense in him at all, but he didn't. He stayed by her. He even made a conscious effort to.
Brooke smiled in spite of herself. Idiot.
The amusement passed, and Brooke found herself faced with a choice. She could take the leap, trust Nathan and his promises, and either find something special or crash and burn. Or she could sit back, watch Nathan and Haley grow old together, and protect her heart forever.
From Brooke's experiences, she knew the crash and burn part was painful. Devastating, even. And it was hard to go back to the way you were. She'd learned her lesson: when a person gambled her feelings like that in hopes of finding the something special, it wasn't likely she'd come out unscathed. Keeping people at an arm's length made a person strong, kept them from falling. There were no risks, no pain, no devastation. There was nothing. And that was the way Brooke usually liked it. Free sex, no strings. It was so much safer and smarter, really.
It was so quiet in the apartment, Brooke could hear the water dripping in the sink. She glanced over at Nathan's open bedroom door. "He always snores," she had once overheard Haley complain to Peyton about Nathan's midnight invasions, "I think I'd smother him with my pillow if I didn't like him so much."
Brooke heard another drop of water splash against the metal basin. She sat upright.
This was it. Her moment, her chance, her choice. It was all up to her now.
Was she going to take the leap and risk her heart again or sit back and stay safe?
Brooke swallowed hard and clutched her sheets around her. Slowly, she rose, walking as quietly as she could to Nathan's bedroom doorway. In the dim moonlight shining from the window, her skin looked milky and pale. She had a feeling she'd still look pale even if standing in the sun at this particular moment, despite weeks of tanning, either through bottle or lounge chair.
She turn back now and stretch out on the couch again, a little shaky, a little disappointed, but safe, pretending she had never been this close or…
Brooke stood in the doorway, her hand gripping the frame hard.
Or…
Could she?
The indecision lingered, but not for much longer. Brooke's hand loosened and eventually fell. She tossed her head over her shoulder to give the couch a long stare. It was a haven, a shelter, a retreat. It was absolutely suffocating.
Brooke took a deep breath, held it for one, two, three seconds and exhaled. Then she padded into Nathan's bedroom.
Author's Note: And here we are, finally making progress with the N/B. You guys happy? Think it was too rushed? Any opinions at all? Come on, you guys left great reviews last chapter, so let's do it again this chapter! ;) Really, you guys are awesome, and I love to hear what you think.
until next time…
caramelo