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Shepard was vaguely aware of having been transported back to her ship, of Kaidan's presence at her side, of the curious stares of her crew as she was helped past them. Vega's face flitted by in her peripheral vision, the concern and shock in it grazing the edge of her awareness and making her think perhaps she should respond to him. But then the elevator doors closed, cutting her off from him and from everyone other than Kaidan and Liara, and she leaned back against the wall and let her mind wander far from here, where she had no need to think.
Kaidan was speaking into his comm, and she thought he was looking at her, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered. Everything was over. She could just stand here and wait for the end. There was a rushing in her ears, almost like the waves of a sea. The sea Thane had crossed. He was waiting for her, and she could go to him, and nothing would ever matter again.
Something was wrong with that picture. His face in her mind was glad to see her, yes, but there was a shadow. He was disappointed in her. She had—
Shepard shivered. She had failed him. He had died for her, for the galaxy, died to stop Kai Leng and the Illusive Man and Cerberus, and now she had let them win. The least she could have done for him, for everyone, was to die today, go out trying. But she hadn't even done that much. She had lived, and let Kai Leng get away, and doomed the entire galaxy to death. She didn't want to live in a world where that was true.
"No." Liara was shaking her head violently. "No, I can't."
"She can't, either, Liara, you have to see that," Kaidan argued.
Some part of Shepard that was so used to command, so used to everything being her problem, that it worked on autopilot, said, "Can't what?" Her voice sounded strange to her own ears, so distant.
Both Kaidan and Liara looked at her in surprise. "The … the asari councilor wants to speak to you. She's on vid chat."
Shepard didn't respond.
Liara put a hand on her shoulder. "Shepard? Shepard, we need you to snap out of this."
It was on the tip of her tongue to say that she didn't want to, but that seemed like a lot of effort, so she didn't speak.
Before Liara could say anything more, the doors slid open. A familiar tall figure stood in front of them, gazing anxiously at Shepard through the scope over his eye. "I see what you mean," he said. A long bony arm went around Shepard's shoulders, and Garrus propelled her out of the elevator and through a set of doorways. Shepard vaguely recognized the CIC and the checkpoint into the war room, but they went by her in a blur.
Once they were alone, Garrus stopped her, putting his hands on her shoulders and looking down at her intently. "Shepard, what you went through today— Well, I know you were already on Earth and you saw Palaven, but this was … But it doesn't matter."
She looked up at him, confused. How could it not matter?
"It doesn't matter because you can't let it. Because it's not the end. Look at us, Shepard. We're alive. We're alive and our people are still fighting on those planets, still struggling and keeping the faith. They believe we can win—all of us. It's not just you. It's the krogan and the kids from Grissom Academy and the geth and the resistance on every Reaper-occupied planet. You are part of that. An important part. But you aren't alone. And what happened today didn't end anything. The fight goes on. The war goes on. For us, and for our friends and families, and for everyone's friends and families. To save whatever's left. And for that, we need you to come back."
Shepard tried to care. She really did. But she was so tired. Everything was a new challenge, and every person had to be fought and bullied and cajoled into helping and nothing ever just got done and there was always something new and … She was so tired. She blinked, a tear welling in her eye and spilling down her cheek. "Can't," she whispered.
"I know. I do. And if there was time, I would give you as much of it as I could. But there's no time, Shepard." Garrus hesitated, then spoke. "Thane was at the end of his life, and he fought with every breath he had. He did that for you, and for me, and for all of us."
Shepard nodded. More tears had joined the first. "I want to go to him, Garrus. Across the sea. Where all this would be over."
"Not like this, Shepard. If you have to go, go out like he did. Fighting. But … not like this. We—I can't stand to see you like this." Garrus was crying, too. "You're the best friend I ever had, and I cannot lose you. Not this way."
Garrus Vakarian, weeping for her. The shocked face of James Vega. The hushed voices of the crew. Kaidan calling her name, over and over again. They loved her; they believed in her. For them—for the memory of Thane's black eyes resting on her with approval and pride—she would try. It was the best she could do.
Slowly, with an effort, she nodded. Then she swallowed. "Okay. Okay," she said again, stronger this time.
Garrus sighed in relief.
Shepard touched his hand, gently, and moved away from him, turning back to say, "Tell Kaidan I'll be all right. And … turn up the heat, will you?" she added, suddenly aware how cold and dark it was in the warm room. "And the lights. It's freezing in here."
"Sure, Shepard. Whatever you say."
She left him there and made her way to the communications room. She had no idea what she would say to the asari councilor, but she would have to say something. She was Commander Shepard, and no one else could do her job.