Yes, yes, you know the drill. I'm not J.K. Rowling, um, duh. She's a pregnant multibillionaire from London, and I'm a 16-year-old American who is neither rich nor knocked up. This chapter is slash-tastic and has a few bad words. This fic is also here to de-bunk the myth of Moony and Padfoot hiding their love from Prongs. Would you make your best friend your secret keeper if he went months without telling you that he was being naughty with your other best friend? It's a bit long, for me, too... nearly 2000 words!

Remus frowned into the dormitory's bathroom mirror. He had a date set up with Lena Banks, whom he didn't know very well or particularly fancy, and was ritually scrutinizing every flaw he could find on his face. He was leaning forward and poking at the dark circles under his eyes when he felt a calloused hand creep around his waist.

"Hello, Sirius." He glanced up at the taller boy and then squinted at himself again. "I wish there was a way to make my hair look as good as yours."

Sirius looked scandalized. "Vanity? From the lips of my dearest Moony? The world is turning upside down…"

"The thought of actually having a date is what shocks me." Remus sighed – his lips were terribly chapped. Why do you have to go and bite them all the time?

"Oh, I could see you and Lena being all right for each other… you'd be sort of opposites-attract." Sirius was thoughtful now. "Really, what do you have to worry about?"

Remus turned away and looked up at him, disregarding the whining sound his reflection made at being ignored. "You don't want me to make a list, do you?"

"Moony, you're missing the point. I mean, you're quite good-looking, so you've no reason to be poking at yourself..." Remus half-expected Sirius to be grinning sarcastically, but he looked sincere. "Don't look at me like that! Quit fretting."

Remus kept himself from snorting, but it must have been clear that he wanted to. "I'd rather not know why you think that, Padfoot, but aside from my—um—debatable looks, there's still the fact that I've never been out with a girl before."

"Aw… is wee Moony worried about snogging?"

Remus wasn't entirely sure how to respond to that. Say yes, and be ridiculed, or say no and be ridiculed for lying. Then again, he could say yes and get another "lesson," which might not be an entirely bad thing… "Er, I suppose so. Among other things… Would I really need to bother about that on a first date? I thought it was the sort of thing you eased into." He looked at Sirius for a moment and added as an afterthought, "well, perhaps not you."

"And I'm the one who got Kate Willowson into my room just last week, aren't I? Here, turn towards me and we'll see if you're a natural-born kisser or not. If you are, you've got nothing to worry about. If you're not, I can train you personally." He grinned wickedly when Remus gave him a slightly protesting look, "unless you'd prefer to find another teacher? Or, perhaps, have Lena dump you because of your incredibly poor snogging skills?"

"No, no… I don't know how you drag me into these things, Padfoot." Remus turned to Sirius, as he was told, and bit his lip nervously.

Sirius sighed. "The first thing you've got to do is quit biting your lip. How d'you expect me to kiss you if half your lip's in your mouth?" Remus hadn't even noticed what he was doing. "That's better… here, I know this sounds rather trite, but open your mouth just a touch and close your eyes."

His eyes were tightly closed, despite a protest of, "isn't this what girls are supposed to do?"

"Isn't Sirius Black your most esteemed professor of snogology?"

"My apologies, sir."

The witty banter was all well and good until a rather foreign-feeling tongue pressed against Remus's. In fact, an entire face seemed to have collided with his, and if he wasn't mistaken there was a rough, familiar hand at the back of his neck. Before he could think about what had just happened, he instinctively found Sirius's shoulder with his hand for balance and began artfully reciprocating every movement that Sirius's tongue made. The connection was strangely electric, and for a few blissful seconds (or minutes) it seemed as though they'd entered a plane of reality in which only the two of them existed. Space seemed to be a mere theory on this plane; how close together were they, exactly? Were their mouths as suddenly cavernous as they seemed to be? Sirius was pulling dangerously closer when he abruptly backed off and stared at Remus. They were both reeling and panting slightly, as though they were shocked to find themselves back in the grimy bathroom.

"Er… I'd guess that you're quite natural-born."

Remus had a little trouble getting his mouth to form words. "That's relieving, I suppose."

"Yeah, you're lucky. Prongs says he had to learn from someone, but he won't tell me who…" Sirius chuckled weakly.

The air in the small bathroom had enough tension to cut with a knife and serve to a small country. "I suppose I'd better go and meet Lena now. Are you going to Hogsmeade with James?"

"No, I think we're going to stay here. Evans is staying, you know…"

"Oh, right. I'll be back to tell you all the grisly details over dinner, I expect."

"Brilliant – er, it looks like your lip is bleeding, Moony."

"Damn, really?" Remus touched a finger to his mouth and examined it. "Yes, that is blood…" He sucked on his lower lip for a moment and shrugged. "It'll stop in a few minutes…" He could still taste traces of Sirius's saliva in his mouth, and the mix of that and his blood was very odd. He didn't think he could be in the same room as Sirius for much longer. "I'll... um... I'll see you, Padfoot."

Sirius found James under their tree on the grounds, playing idly with his snitch. "You look like you've walked through Nearly-Headless Nick, mate."

"It was way better than that." He'd wandered around in a daze for nearly an hour before heading outside, and was still in complete shock.

James caught the snitch and stuck it in his pocket. "What in the devil are you talking about?"

"Er… promise you won't laugh."

"No reasonable person promises that. It's bound to be hilarious."

"You shut it…"

"I'm listening, dearest."

"So I walked in on Moony being all anxious over his date with Lena..."

"Dunno why, she's not that good-looking."

"How often does Moony date, though? This is probably the first time a set-up has fallen through."

"Come to think of it, I suppose it is…"

"Anyway, I was reassuring him that he was quite good-looking and all the rest, and I started teasing him about being all worried about snogging, and… er… told him I'd teach him to snog."

"How torrid. Did he take you up on the offer?"

"I don't think he really needed it, to be honest. He's quite good."

"…what? Don't tell me you actually…" Sirius's face answered for him. "And he was good? Merlin, I didn't see that one coming… Like, how good?"

"Like, phenomenal. Earth-shattering. Unparalleled."

"Ah." James seemed unsure of what to say. "Yes, that would explain why you're rather shell-shocked. Er… so, are you…"

Sirius didn't need for James to finish the sentence. "I don't suppose so. I mean, kisses are just that, aren't they? Just kisses. Doesn't mean I'm… you know…"

"Of course."

"Er… if I was… would you mind terribly?"

James eyed him suspiciously for a few minutes, and Sirius felt his neck begin to get rather hot. "Of course I wouldn't, you troll. I can't believe you fell for that!"

"Honestly?"

"Do I lie to fellow Marauders?" James looked thoughtful for a moment. "I think I'd mind terribly if I was hearing you and Moony go bump in the night, if you know what I mean."

"Oh, shut up… it isn't as though he fancies me."

"After an 'earth-shattering' kiss? How could he not?"

"I dunno! I don't even know if I fancy him." There was a slight buzzing in Sirius's ears that he assumed was caused by his thoughts. "D'you ever think he's hot?"

"Not really… Even if I fancied chaps, I don't think I would. He looks like a war orphan or a rag doll or something."

"I suppose… wish I knew what his arse looked like, everything he owns is too big for him."

"What is with you and arses? Honestly, you probably are a pouf…"

"Oh, shut up…poor Moony probably hasn't even got an arse, you know. He's all bone and scar tissue."

"Er, sorry…" James seemed a little ashamed about having used the word 'pouf' on his best friend. "Wormtail should donate some of his ample backside to the cause."

"Where is Wormtail?"

"Getting tutored for nearly every class. He's going to fail all his finals if he doesn't."

"That figures." Sirius leaned his head against the tree and let his bangs fall across his eyes. "D'you reckon Moony might fancy me?"

"There's only one way to find out." James ruffled his hair and gave Sirius a sidelong glance. "If you do fancy him, does that mean you'd want to… you know… go a bit far with him?"

"I dunno. He could just be a grand kisser. I mean, you don't mind snogging me occasionally if Evans or a girl I'm after is around, but you're probably the straightest person I've ever met. If he fancies me, thought, I suppose it would be worth a try."

"Disgusting…" James noticed Sirius glaring at him as he stifled a bored yawn. "It's only gross because it's you and Moony, really. I could put up with you holding hands and acting like a couple, so long as you're not snogging all over the place, but it's bad enough waking up in the middle of the night to you making all manner of dog noises with Merlin knows who without it being, like, you and Moony howling or something… one best mate is plenty."

"He wouldn't howl… would he?"

"How would I know?"

Sirius grinned and brushed his hair out of his face. "I wouldn't hold his hand anyway… it would ruin my bad-boy image."

"We certainly can't let that happen." James looked considerably more comfortable than he'd been for the entire conversation. "I reckon it's time for supper, you want to see if the object of your affection is back yet?"

"He said that's when he'd be back… by the way, if you talk to him about any of this, I'll tell Evans the filthiest, most degenerate lies I can think of about you."

"The fact that you have to make up lies to tell Evans about me is quite complimentary, really."

Sirius shot him a severe glare. "I'll tell her the filthiest, most degenerate truths, then, if you so much as breathe a word of this to anyone."

James slapped a hand over his chest and said with his most pompous voice, "I am sworn to secrecy! No breathing of words from your most esteemed Prongs, dearest Padfoot."

Somehow Sirius had a feeling that James wouldn't be quite as silent as he was professing to be, but he didn't really intend on telling Evans anything, anyway. After all, what if Moony did fancy him?

There you have it, the kiss that launched a million fangirlish squeals. I'm adoring the reviews I'm getting, loves, so do keep it up! Really, I love long, rambling reviews that have no point and quick little "Update or I slash you!" reviews. Heheh… slash me… -cough- ok, no more nerdy jokes for me. So, to re-cap: all reviews are lovely. They fuel me! Along with green tea, aspirin, and The Ramones…