Chapter 3: Employees Attack and Aragorn Goes Mad
The boats landed on a crumby forest thing. "Cool! Like, a forest thing!" Legolas exclaimed while jumping
off the boat. Aragorn pulled out the copy of the trilogy and flips the pages. "Ok…since we screwed up a whole
battle scene by killing Boromir, we'll just skip to the part where Merry and Pippin are captured" Aragorn
stated, causing the two hobbits to drop a plastic cup they where throwing at each other. "You two have to be
captured by Orcs. Legolas, Gimli, and myself will come and try to find you and what not", Aragorn said
bleakly. Legolas then walked up two inches in front of him and pulled back the two hobbits. "Found them! What
do I win?" Legolas asked happily. "NOTHING! They have to be captured first! Any questions?" Aragorn
asked with an annoyed glance at Legolas who was pouting. "Uhm, yea, where are the Orcs?" Pippin asked.
Suddenly a blinding light came from above and I, the authoress, float down on my wonderful cloud. "WHAT
THE !#$, THE WORLD ISCOMING TO AN END!" Merry screamed and threw himself behind a rock.
"Alright very funny. Get up, Merry before I kill you off within the next chapter!" I screamed angrily. "Ok, uhm I
couldn't afford Orcs so…we have…ehe, McDonalds employees hired for the job", I stated weakly and bit my
lip. Everyone looked around at each other and all burst out laughing. "Shut up!" I screamed and descended
back into the sky. "Don't worry Merry and Pip, they're just a bunch of wimps that didn't go to college!" Gimli
stated. The sound of McDonald's employee's sad sniffling could be heard. Then they came out from behind the
trees, trying to look fierce. A few where armed with spatulas, some with fry boxes. One was wearing a Burger
King Kids meal crown, which was kind of confusing. "Run, Pippin!" Merry shouted. Pippin was too busy trying
to order a Happy Meal from a very short employee to notice that he had just been thrown into a small sack and
put in a cage. The rest of the Fellowship sat back and ate popcorn until Legolas wanted it to snow and threw it
all up in the air. "Dammit Legolas, this a serious moment!" Aragorn yelled. Legolas decided to get up and lead
the employees in his version of the Cha Cha slide just to piss Aragorn off even more. Then they remembered
that they were supposed to capture the hobbits. "Hand over the small fries!" an Emo-looking employee
demanded. "Shut up, Hello My Name Is Mike" Merry said, reading out the name tag on Mike's shirt. "Behold,
my amazing McDonald food that could give you a mere heart attack!" Mike whipped out a Big Mac out of his
super tight Emo jeans that could probably fit your 9 year old sister and flung it on the ground. Everyone stared
at it lamely. "You Emo fag, go cry in the dark" Merry said, putting his hands on his hips so a large S appeared
on his shirt. No one was surprised to see Mike in tears, running home and tripping over random electronic
appliances that popped up under his feet. The rest of them followed because Goth kids were running after them
trying to kick their little Emo arses and were throwing death metal records at them.
"CUT! That wasn't supposed to happen!" I stated from my cloud in the sky. "Not my fault you hired
wimpy employees!"Merry sneered. "What am I going to do now?" I asked. "Well, you can take us to
McDonalds! Wait…Burger Kings better" Merry suggested. "Fine. I'll take the hobbits to Burger King. Actually,
Frodo and Sam, you guys oughta go destroy whatever that thing is. And Legolas and the rest better get to uh…
just go travel in a random direction and maybe gather an army or throwgrenades at children", I said and helped
Merry and the sacked Pippin onto my cloud and descended upwards again.
Legolas jumped around for joy while singing about leprechauns. He stopped and frowned. "No one gave
me my Dixie Cup yet!" he yelled. "I'd like to get rid of you" Aragorn said through gritted teeth. Gimli snickered
to himself, hoping that nobody would notice the huge "IM A DUMBASS" sign on Aragorn's back. Legolas
busted out laughing when he spotted it and began to gnaw on a stick. Aragorn sighed then sat down and began
watching Operah on a portable T.V. "Remember that one time we were in thecar and that hobo banged on the
glass so we shot at him?" Legolas asked. "Good times", Gimli grunted. "Shut up, it's a rerun
of the Tom Cruise jumping on the couch episode!" Aragorn growled. Legolas pushed two boulders together and
screamed like a mentally retarded otter. "COUCH!" he screeched, and then began jumping on it and flinging
sticks at everyone. Aragorn's eyesturned a demonic red color and he tackled Legolas to the floor and tied his
hair to a tree. Legolas screamed and cried loudly as the squirrels began to attack him. Gimli screeched in terror
and ran, afraid to inflict the wrath of Aragorn. Aragorn whipped out some pancake mix and began eating the
powdery batter, snickering to himself.
Meanwhile at Burger King, Merry had a Pippin toy in his Kid's Meal, Pippin a Merry toy, and me,
strangely, aMcDonald's employee toy. "Oh man! I got a Boromir toy!" a kid at the table near us whined. He
then pressed the button on the action figure 1,000,00 times, making it say "You carry the fates of us all little
one" insanely. The dead Boromir scowled in his grave from faraway. "Well that was…interesting" Pippin stated.
"Oh my god! It's Ronald McDonald!" Merry squealed, starring at a fat man dressed as the stupid McDonald's
mascot thing. "RONNIE, CAN I HAVE YOUR AUTOGRAPH!" Merry squeaked, flailing a napkin and a
marker around in his hands. "What the…"Pippin trailed off, starring Merry as he proceeded to take
many snapshots of the guy in the suit. "Merry is so queer" I stated, and threw my nuggets in his direction.
Back in the random forest, Legolas and the gang were eating some disgusting elvish wafers after Legolas
had escaped from his treeish fate. It was hot out and Aragorn was becoming delusional again. He was mumbling
about how he should havebeen a cheerleader in a past life. "Over the hill and through the woods to
grandmother's house we go!" Legolas sang in aloud tone. He skidded to a halt, spotting a Chef Boyardee
wrapping squished in dirt on the ground. He jumped back and hissed loudly, then began preaching about the
terrors of Chef Boyardee ravioli for the next few hours. Gimli was half asleep andbarely said anything while he
fantasized about drawing a salamander on a tooth paste label. "This is the most pointless journey ever" Aragorn
yelled, his eyes twitching. "Yea, I know. So another thing you should stay away from is Chef Boyardee's
Beeforoni, it's high in salt and made my grandma sick, and two weeks later she died. Maybe it's because I put
nitroglycerin in her tea one morning…but that's a different story…"Legolas was rambling on. They then all sat
down again, deciding thatbreaks every 2 minutes was a good idea. As everyone drifted to sleep, Legolas
whipped out his diary and crayon. Dear Diary, This journey sucks. Today was so boring and I'm getting
tired of walking with these icky people. I guess it was cool since I almost got Gimli to swallow a beaver
because he was talking about designing his own toothpaste label. I totally miss my cuddly teddy bear,
Bam Bam. Even though I tore off his arms he's still my favorite toy. Well I better get to sleepy now, I'll
just make a new Bam Bam with some dirt. Love, Legolas.
If for some reason you want another chapter, you have a really dumb sense of humor like me, you lovely person. If I get any reviews I'll edit/write the next chapter.