47 Things That Will Never Happen
On X-men Evolution.
At the Xavier institute
Professor X: X-men I just spoke with principal Kelly, it seems a mutant is attacking Bayville high.
Cyclops: Why does Kelly want our help Professor, can't security just kick him out?
Professor X: This villain is female and is attacking the female toilets; security men can go in a female toilet.
Cyclops: so who's gonna lead the team? I'm not going in a girl's toilet.
Professor X: You won't need to Cyclops, Jean and Rogue have it covered
Jean: All right! I finally get a role in the teams leadership!
Rogue: X-Men…er…women move out!
(All the chicks run off)
Later at Bayville High
Principal Kelly: You muties had better get this sorted out!
Rogue: Oh man, why do we have to lead this stupid mission?
Jean: yeah Scott gets all the good missions.
Principal Kelly: Just get in the bathroom and sort this out.
Rogue: yeah alright, don't have a shitfit. (Opens door)
H2 Olga: I already told you Kelly, I'm not…Hey you're not principal Kelly.
Kitty: why are you vandalising the bathroom and, like, screwing up the water supply and stuff? Wait principal Kelly came in a girl's bathroom?
H2 Olga: yeah, why do you think I'm so mad?
Kitty: Ew what a pervert
H2 Olga: Yeah tell me about it. Lookin' for smokers my ass.
Rogue: Okay that's it I'm leaving. Pervert Kelly can sort out his own problems.
(the X-girls leave the bathroom)
Principal Kelly: where are you going muties? Aren't you going to sort this out?
Jean: No. In future I suggest you stay out of the girls bathroom.
The fanfic that will never happen will be back after these messages.
Cheesy Ad Guy: is love in the air?
Wolverine: Yeah.
Cheesy Ad Guy: want to get rid off it?
Wolverine: Yeah!
Cheesy Ad Guy: then get new Emoteout air fresher! Emoteout completely eliminates love from the air and reduces teenage hormones by half!
Serious voice over: Remember mutants, don't switch needles, don't switch partners, don't catch S.T.O.R.M.S. sexually transmitted organic rapid mutation syndrome is a killer. This information is brought to you by the department of mutant health.
We now return to the fanfic that will never happen
Back at the institute
(A knock at the door.)
Professor X: I will get it this time.
(opens door)
Delivery Guy: package for Mr Xavier.
Professor X: thank you
Delivery Guy: sign 'ere where it says sign 'ere. Thanks. (hands over a box and leaves the scene)
(professor X opens the box and pulls out…Gasp…a wig. Which he puts on)
Boom boom: Yo chuck, nice hair dude, hey I didn't know you normally wore a bald cap. Cool later.
Professor X: thank you Tabitha this wig disguise really does so much for complexion, In fact I have been offered a part time job as a store detective.
Boom boom: erm great but I gotta go
Storm: By the power of the wind… Oh sorry about your wig professor.
Professor X: That wig was expensive! And I paid for it out of the petty cash!
Storm: that's why we never have enough money to fix the holes in the wall
Boom Boom: Wig! Ha ha baldy! Hey what's that thing?
(A cartoon style flying saucer lands on the lawn and two bug eyed monsters and a little robot get out)
BEM 1: £&& !$ $£! & &$ subtitle: where the hell are we?
Robot: Beedy, Beedy, beep. Bloop beep. subtitle: I told you we should have turned left.
BEM 2: &£ &£+ "£! &£ ? subtitle: you never did, you said right
Professor X: Has anyone seen my Aspirins? (prof. X leaves)
Storm: professor! Come back here! You are NOT to take any more aspirin; you'll ruin your dinner! (Storm runs after him.)
Boom Boom: you all wrong. You should have gone straight on at Alpha Centauri
Robot: Beedy, beedy beep. subtitle: I told you so.
BEM 2: &£ &£! &£ &£! &£ $£& # $ ? "!" ? subtitle: You never! You never! You heard it say right didn't you?
(the two bug eyed monsters and the robot pile back into the flying saucer still bickering)
BEM 1: $&£ ! subtitle: Shut up!
Inside
The X-kids are standing around in the rec room looking panicky when Beast walks into the room.
Beast: what's going on in here?
(the X-kids shuffle their feet and look round at each other.)
Ray: It's the worst thing that ever happened in the history of mutantkind
Beast: what?
Rhane: We can nae find the remote.
Beast: AAAaaaaahh!
(Cyclops comes running in)
Cyclops: What's going on?
Beast: they… lost… the… remote. (Beast faints in the classic B movie style.)
Cyclops: quick we need to find it before the professor comes in to watch the powerpuff girls!
While the X-men attempt to find the remote, the FoH are composing a letter, Magneto is ordering some new furniture, and the brotherhood are REALLY annoying Mystique