47 Things That Will Never Happen
On X-men Evolution.
Sorry about the mess up with this chapter. Can you ever forgive us?
At the brotherhood house.
Freddy is playing the air guitar, Todd is attempting to play a broken up old violin and failing, Wanda is using her powers on random things around the room making them dance about, and Pietro is singing into a kiddies toy microphone.
Pietro: Hit me baby one more time, umh! Wanda! I'm telling daddy Magnus about you!
Magneto: Insolent boy! I did that. Now stop singing!
Todd: Yo it's Magneto. What're you doin' here yo?
Magneto: I'm dropping off a new brotherhood member. Gambit just couldn't make it in the acolytes. (Magneto leaves)
Gambit: dis sucks.
Pietro: what did you do?
Gambit: de cards fell out of Gambits sleeve. Tried to pick em up but Bucket Head saw me.
(the door bangs open and Lance storms in carrying a bag of food)
Lance: What are you doing here again?
Gambit: it Gambits curse.
Lance: well you can put this lot away. (throws groceries to gambit)
Gambit: Gambit really badly cursed.
(Mystique comes out of the bathroom drying her hair with a towel. She is wearing only a bra and a pair of potty training pants.)
Gambit: Gambit really, really badly cursed. Gambit scarred for life now.
Lance: you're not the only one.
At the sentinels secret base.
(A comic style sentinel stomps in with Principal Kelly dangling from its hand by one leg)
Kelly: what is going on here? Why are you doing this? I'm a United States…um …principal! You can't do this to me!
Sentinel: you will presented to Mastermould and doctor Trash. Trask, I meant to say Trask, not trash. (Stomps into a larger room where Mastermould is sat surrounded by legions of sentinels.)
Mastermould: Greetings sentinel care for a cup of tea?
Kelly: Tea? How can you be thinking of tea at a time like this!
Mastermould: Thinking is something you better forget. By this time tomorrow you will have no thought, no power, no will of your own. Instead this handy remote will do all of that for you.
Kelly: why? I'm not even a senator in this series; I'm just a high school principal.
Mastermould: it's part of my plan to take over the world by influencing youngsters through the education system. Would you like a cookie? Sentinel #382 baked them.
(Dr Trask runs into the room.)
Dr Trask: Mastermould! What are you doing! You were created to protect humans from mutants not have tea parties!
Mastermould: that is not logical. Mutants are human…
Dr Trask: Gasp
Mastermould: therefore humans do not need protection from themselves.
Dr Trask: AND THAT MEANS YOU CAN HAVE A TEA PARTY!
Mastermould: well, yeah.
Kelly: what about me? Aren't you going to replace my brain with a computer?
Mastermould: No. Dr Trask is going to do that for me.
Dr Trask: What?
The fanfic that will never happen will be back after these messages
Cheesy ad lady: you're out on the hunt with all your vampire buddies, and you get toothache.
Vampire: Arrg. By zer children of zer night zis really hurts!
Cheesy ad lady: what you need is bleedox reductol, bleedox is specially formulated for vampires. Now in five blood type flavours.
Bimbo: AAAAAAAHHH!
Old bag 1: my husband has a terrible problem with Biggassian baboon syndrome. His butt is constantly swollen and blue, but every time I try to tell him about Biggass begone from Hittit he hums
Old bag 2: well don't just tell him dear, get him some then he'll have to try it, and it works like magic!
Old bag 1: wonderful, I'll get some today!
Cheesy ad guy: Biggass begone from Hittit, available at your local chemist.
Old bag 2: use only as directed.
We now return to the fanfic that will never happen.
At the institute.
Beast: I can't believe it was down the back of the sofa all the time!
Cyclops: nor can I, I swear we looked down there 5 times.
(The remote suddenly squeaks and leaps out of Beasts hand.)
Beast: we are going to experience some difficulty explaining this abnormal turn of events to the professor. The remote appears to have developed some form of sentience.
Cyclops: Beast, what the hell are you talking about?
Beast: I was attempting to inform…
Cyclops: IN ENGLISH!
Beast: the professor won't believe this shit.
(Professor X comes into the room.)
Professor X: X-men… hey where the hell are the X-men? Apart from you two I mean.
Bobby: What the hell!
(The remote runs into the room and hides behind the TV.)
Cyclops: don't worry, I'll get it. (Reaches behind the TV) Oww! It bit me! It bit me!
Bobby: oh god no! He's going to become a remote!
Beast: they were looking for the remote. Now they're hunting it. It seems to have become intelligent. I believe we own the first mutant remote. I must do some research.
Professor X: I'm afraid that will have to wait. Get everyone in here.
Beast: (leans round the door.) you can all stop listening from outside now.
Storm: I can't believe we got caught, again.
Wolverine: I can't believe I was listening round the corner. I have super senses.
Professor X: I can't believe I didn't see you all when I came in. Anyway now I can do my explaining bit. X-men I've just heard some disturbing news. Principal Kelly has been kidnapped by sentinels.
Kurt: well?
Rogue: yeah why do we care?
Professor X: well we don't. But if we save him it would a good PR stunt, and since we can't afford a PR flack this is the best I can come up with.
Meanwhile Dr Trask is making a phone call, and Mastermould is explaining his evil plan in full with illustrations.
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