47 Things That Will Never Happen
On X-men Evolution.
We'd like to thank to thank our faithful and only reviewer Yaya, thank you.
We thought it was going to be a oneshot too. It evolved inot a mutant fanfic, that's our excuse anyway.
On with the fic.
Inside government installation.
Henry Guyrich of the federal security agency is working on a computer when his mobile phone starts ringing.
Guyrich: Guyrich here.
Dr Trask: (on phone) Mastermould has gone crazy! He's taken over! He's going to replace Kelly's brain! He's going to do the same thing to every leader…um… principal in the world! Huh? Uhg.
Guyrich: Trask? Trask! Something's wrong I can feel it.
(The X-men bust into the room and Wolverine tries to skewer Guyrich.)
Wolverine: Where's the sentinels base?
Guyrich: It's to late to stop them! He's made thousands of sentinels! Thousands!
Jean: umm, don't you mean we've made thousands of sentinels? And why have I only got five or six lines in this whole production?
Guyrich: no I don't mean we've made thousands. Trask says we, I say I when things go right and blame everything that goes wrong on him. Here are directions from here to the abandoned and highly dangerous coalmine we use as a base.
some time later at the sentinels secret base.
Cyclops: Right Storm and Rogue you guys are on diversion detail. When the sentinels all shoot up out the mine... um, well just fly about and distract them.
Rogue: Fly? I can't fly in this series. The explanation was too complicated for the producers to understand and would have led to unnecessary character building episodes so they just left it out.
Cyclops: Look, the authors have complete power over this fanfiction. So if whoever is currently typing says you have the powers of Ms Marvel then you do. Of course if you want to argue with the authors and run around doing jack shit for the rest of this chapter then I'm sure they'll let you.
Storm: Cyclops, your introductory speech for this scene has become almost as boring and long winded as the ones I used to fill up the time until the adverts back in the 90s cartoon series.
Professor X: hey I'm supposed to do the explaining bit.
Cyclops: can we just get on with this?
Inside Mastermoulds room.
Dr Trask: you can't make me do this!
Mastermould: Sentinel #973 make Dr Trask do as I say.
Sentinel #973: Yes Mastermould. Whoops! (Sentinel #973 trips over its own feet and lands on another sentinel which lands on another and so on creating a very noisy domino effect.)
Outside.
Rouge: Okay shouldn't there be some sentinels be out here by now?
(Suddenly the sentinels start coming up out of the mine shaft but instead of flying with the rocket thingys in their feet they are climbing out by standing on one another's shoulders and pulling each other up. Instead of fighting they start staggering about like drunkards. Storm and Rogue are now on the ground laughing at the sentinels and holding on to each other to stay upright.)
The fanfic that will never happen will be back after these messages.
Cheesy kid singers: It's mutant terror Barbie.
Little girl 1: Look at her pretty fur.
Little girl 2: You can braid it
Little girl 1: And she talks too!
Barbie: I am superior to you in every way.
Little girls: (giggling) come on mutant terror Barbie, let's go on the rampage!
Barbie: Math is hard. Let's destroy the human race.
Little girl 2: we wanna be dumb and violent just like you mutant terror Barbie!
Cheesy ad lady: let mutant terror Barbie take your little girl out on the rampage. Accessories sold separately.
Cheesy ad guy: so how do you like those dried cat foods Feral?
Feral: Yowl! Hiss!
Cheesy ad guy: we don't blame you Feral! Felines can't be fooled by artificial flavours. That's why we at Drimeat have developed new dried meat extract, real meat, dried. Just take a pack, put it in a bowl, add water, and in just 30 seconds you'll have a meal your feline is sure to love!
Cable: but will Feral really like it?
Cheesy ad guy: try it and see, felines love our blend of fish and rodent flavours.
Cable: What do you think of Drimeat meat extract Feral?
Feral: Purrrrr!
We now return to the fanfic that will never happen
Inside the mine.
Cyclops: Let's split up and look for clues. Help I sound like one of the Scooby gang! Never mind, Jean and I will go this way and everyone else, go that way.
Kurt: What, all of us?
Cyclops: Yes all of you!
Kurt: but shouldn't someone stand guard?
Kitty: Don't worry when I was making 'muffins' um, yeah, never mind, long, long story Anyway I have a guard… um… thing. I called him Mr. Muffin man.
Kurt: Kitty you fed a defenceless animal those muffins! What are you crazy! You could get arrested for animal abuse!
(A creature that looks slightly like a dog but more like a sponge in acute pain suddenly drops into the mine and rolls along to where the X-men are standing. It stops by running into Kitty's leg.)
Kitty: Oww! That really hurt!
Kurt: now that's a walking advertisement for avoiding Kitty's muffins.
Kitty: My cooking is not that bad Kurt.
Kurt: Excuse me but who was it who burned that salad the other day?
Cyclops: Can we just get on with this?
Outside mastermoulds room a little later.
(Cyclops and Jean are spying on track and Mastermould through the open doorway. Kelly is unconscious and lying on a hospital trolley, please don't ask where it came from, and Dr Trask is arguing with Mastermould.)
Dr Trask: You still can't make me do this! I haven't had a tea break in five hours, I'm not getting paid overtime, or at all, and we're out of digestives!
Mastermould: Do you want to have to replace your own brain with a computer as well? (The phone starts ringing.) Just a second.
Guyrich: (on phone) Guyrich here. Mastermould, we're out of tea! And we need more hospital trolleys!
Cyclops: (to Jean, whispering) we can't let that happen, we already hijacked fifty hospital trolleys for the mansion.
Jean: we did?
Cyclops: Yes, how do you think we found enough beds for the new mutants?
Jean: I did wonder about that.
Cyclops: Okay. Use your telekinesis to get Kelly.
Jean: how is this going to stop them hijacking hospital trolleys?
Cyclops: It's not. PR 1st, hospital trolleys 2nd.
(Kelly starts floating towards the door)
Kelly: Wha?
Mastermould: Mutants!
Jean: Really? Where?
Kelly: hey I thought you were gonna drop me halfway across the room, it's in the script.
Mastermould: Kisha-Ra just wants to get this part over with as it's going on too long and getting boring. If anyone really wants to see the unedited version of this scene they can watch the episode of the 90s cartoon entitled The Final Decision, which this incident is loosely based around. There will now be a time break.
After the big fight.
(The blackbird is flying homeward with the X-men aboard. Mr. Muffin Man spontaneously combusted while on guard in case anyone cares. There is a rather pretty mushroom cloud rising from the mine.)
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