Chapter 8: Belonging

After they returned to Kotzut from the failed mission—where Yuhao had died instead of being captured—Katara slept.

She slept and slept and occasionally woke up to eat, piss, and reassure her patrol that she really was okay.

"The first mission's always hard. You'll get used to it," said Faozu, eyes intent on the letter he was writing home.

"Are you sure you don't want to go into the city with us?" asked Qin. When she replied no, knowing they would only be there to drink, he shrugged and said, "Your loss."

Hiro looked at her sympathetically before leaving with Qin and said, "I'll bring something back for you if you want me to."

She just smiled, shook her head no, and burrowed back under her blanket.

It seemed that it was a tradition for Faozu to write to his family in the south after every mission he came back from. He said it was to tell them that he was still alive and alright, so they wouldn't worry overmuch. She wondered what he wrote. Did he tell them about the rebels he'd killed? Did he talk about death at all? Maybe he kept them ignorant of what he really did and just wrote about the weather.

Qin, she knew, dealt with missions by drinking. He'd come back to barracks the night after they'd returned from Romu Province dead drunk and supported by Hiro, who was semi-intoxicated himself. They always brought the sour smell of alcohol with them, which permeated the air in the bunks until Katara enveloped herself in the musty comfort of her pillow. There were no rules against Elite soldiers getting drunk on their off-time. As long as they were sober and sharp and ready during missions, commanders didn't care what soldiers did during free time.

Katara supposed she could see what Qin and Hiro found so attractive in drinking themselves into a stupor. The hazy indifference that came with intoxication and the deep, utterly dreamless sleep that followed must have been heaven after the blood and gore of death. To be able to drink away your cares and your nightmares in one bottle didn't sound so bad.

But it sounded too much like an addiction to her. Katara preferred to deal with her own demons without the aid of a drink. She might have horrible nightmares of bloody white faces or lie awake at night unable to get the image of a dead Emperor out of her mind, but at least she knew that these things were relevant worries, things that meant she was human and had emotions and morals and worries.

Still, sometimes she listened to the drunk mumblings of Qin, how he was so far away from the real world that nothing could get to him, and wished she could do the same.

Katara slept.

Patrol One went through a few more missions—most of them successful—that passed in a flurry of traveling and fighting and killing. After the first, the Emperor Zuko no long came with them. Lt. Ensei said he had some pressing business to attend to.

However, soon enough, Kithara's fifth mission with the Elites rolled around, and this time, the Emperor came with them. She supposed it was a bit more important than other missions; they were rescuing a noble who had been captured on the far western edge of the Fire Nation. Perhaps this required the Emperor's personal attention.

So far, it was definitely the most taxing and strenuous mission she'd ever done. For one, they walked this time. No horses, for the area they were trekking through was mountainous and rocky, unsuited to horse hooves. In Katara's opinion, it was just as unsuited to human feet.

"Once we cross the Two Rivers, we'll be able to requisition some mounts from the nearest town," reassured Qin.

Katara just slogged on. It was a two-day march to the first river, the smaller one in the pair that snaked across the western edge of the Fire Nation, two dividing lines between the smoother planes of the far west and the higher mountainous ground of the east.

Biting back a curse as she slipped yet again on the slanted surface of the large boulder they were crossing, she knelt, digging her feet in and hanging onto a crag with one hand, managed to stop her descent.

"You okay?" asked Hiro.

She nodded, standing up and readjusting the straps on her enormous backpack. Without horses to carry supplies, Katara and the rest became their own packhorses. Her own included her sleeping bag, clothes, weapons, food, three water bottles, utensils, and parts of the tent that had been split up and divided among them to equalize loads. It wasn't extremely heavy, but after two days of solid marching, Katara thought the red marks the straps imprinted into her sore shoulders would never disappear.

Gritting her teeth, she moved on, following behind Lt. Ensei. She refused to be the first to complain.

They paused at noon to eat a quick lunch, sitting on rocks with the harsh sun beating down upon them. There were no trees or other foliage here to protect them from the noon heat. Getting ready to shoulder her pack one more, Katara swiped an arm across her sweating brow, grimacing at the heat. Her dark hair was plastered against her neck. Pulling at the tie with more force than necessary, she pulled her hair back tight, the heat making her irritable and susceptible to the least of annoyances. Her sticky clothes stuck to her body, and she pulled at her shirt, trying to encourage a bit more air circulation. For a moment she wished she could just take everything off until she was wearing only the essentials, like the way Hiro and Faozu had already stripped off their shirts, enjoying what little breeze there was. Damn the lucky bastards.

When they began to walk again, she was behind the Emperor. Belatedly, she noticed that he too had taken his top off. She hoped that the warm flush on her face was attributed only to the heat of the day. She decided to keep her eyes on the ground, placing her feet deliberately on the most solid path she could find. Anything to keep from looking at him. Not that she hadn't enjoyed the view, per se. In fact, she had to admit to herself that the Emperor was obviously in very good shape—

Stop it! Her mind screeched to a halt. Stop it. Think about—think about horse manure. Disgusting, stinky, unattractive horse shit.

It worked as long as she kept her eyes on the ground.

"It's so goddamn hot!" muttered Hiro from behind her.

The aforementioned heat and the frustration inside her at the fact that she was so easily susceptible to adolescent hormones made her snap back. "You have nothing to complain about!"

Hiro was a bit taken aback before he grinned slyly and stretched, pretending to enjoy a nonexistent breeze. "Sure is cool here without a thick, black, sweaty shirt on," he murmured just loud enough to reach her ears. "Feels great."

Katara knew he was just teasing her, so she grit her teeth and said nothing.

Hiro caught the look on her face and the bad vibes emanating from her body. "You know, Katara," he said, a glint in his eyes, "if it's really so bad, I'm sure you don't exactly need to keep your shirt on either."

She turned and shoved him against a boulder before raising her head haughtily and marching past the surprised Emperor. Qin sniggered, and Hiro just laughed as he hoisted himself back upright again.

"Someone's in a bad mood," came Lt. Ensei's sarcastic comment from the front.

Katara ignored them all.

She could have fainted with relief when they finally arrived at the bank of the first river. An hour ago they had passed into a more wooded area, providing shade and relief from the harsh sunlight. The ice-blue water tumbled over boulders and logs, cooling the air around them and looking oh-so-inviting. What she hadn't taken into account was the width of the charging, roiling mass of water.

"And this is the smaller river?" asked Hiro with a look of disbelief on his face as they lined up on the bank. "How are we supposed to cross this thing?"

"I'm guessing the snow melt from the mountains did something to it," Lt. Ensei said, setting down his pack.

"Could we find a shallower place to ford across?" wondered Faozu. "It can't be all this bad the entire length of it."

Lt. Ensei shook his head. "From what I read before we left, this is the narrowest part of the river."

Faozu looked dubious but said, "If you say so, lieutenant."

"I'll try it first," volunteered Qin. Lt. Ensei nodded, and Qin set down his pack before venturing down the slope and stepping into the river. She could see him shiver as soon as the water rose to his thighs. He slogged out as far as he could, fighting against the mighty pull of the current.

"It's cold as shit," Qin said, turning to face them, shivering in the water. He was barely even six feet from dry land. "And I can feel the pull at my legs. If we slip, it's the end. The current is really strong."

"Alright, come back," said the Lieutenant. "How the hell are we gonna do this?" he murmured, turning back to the rest of the patrol on the banks of the river.

"If we had some sort of guide rope we could hold onto while we crossed, the current wouldn't be as much of a problem," suggested Katara.

Faozu nodded as Qin joined them, soaked from the waist down. "Maybe we could tie a rope to one of the arrows and shoot it across into the trees?"

"Would that b-be strong enough t-t-to hold us all?" chattered Qin, rubbing his arms.

"I have the largest bow of all of us," said Faozu, thinking quickly. "So if I shoot with enough strength into a tree trunk, I could pass over by myself first, then tie the rope more securely around the trunk. Then you guys could come over."

"Alright then," said the Emperor. "Let's do that."

Katara watched worriedly as Faozu aimed, and shot the rope over the river to lodge with a resounding thunk into the trunk of a tree across from them. The other end of the rope was tied to a stump on this side. Faozu, hands gripping the rope tightly, lowered himself into the river and began to forge his way across.

"Come on, come on," muttered Hiro. Faozu was halfway across, before all of a sudden he must have slipped on a rock underwater, and he went down before he got up, sputtering, hand still gripping the rope. They all breathed a sigh of collective relief when he finally reached the other side and began to tie the rope around a tree.

"Okay," said Lt. Ensei. "Faozu's all ready for us, so we'll go in this order. Myself first, Qin second, Katara third, Zuko fourth, and Hiro last. Got it?" They all nodded. Katara had to remind herself of why Ensei was so comfortable calling the Emperor by his first name and speaking like a superior. The two had grown up together as best friends. Of course the lieutenant couldn't call him Emperor all the time.

"Fucking cold," muttered Qin as he stepped through the water after the lieutenant. Then it was Katara's turn, with the Emperor and Hiro after her.

The minute she stepped into the river, Katara understood what Qin had meant about the current being so strong. It tugged at her legs, trying to pull her feet off the slippery rocks and downstream where her head could be bashed in on any number of boulders. She heard the Emperor's hissing intake of breath as he stepped in after her. Funny, they'd all just been complaining of the heat not ten minutes ago. What a drastic change in temperature. Katara wondered if the Emperor was even more uncomfortable than the rest of them in the river. He was a Fire bender—did he suffer any adverse effects while he was in such a powerful force of moving water?

"Keep your packs above the water!" shouted the lieutenant from the front. "If the water catches it, you're going down!"

Katara gritted her teeth and tried to feel with her sightless feet the rocks that were bigger and would give her more height above the water. They were almost in the middle. Her fingers gripped the rope tightly, insanely grateful for the security it provided. The icy blue water whipped around her upper thighs, then her hips, her waist, and then just barely lapped at her lower ribs. Ahead of her, she could see that the water didn't reach any higher than Qin's waist. Looking behind, she saw it was the same for the Emperor and Hiro. She was the shortest out of all of them, and would suffer that much more in the chilling water. She prayed that it wouldn't get any deeper than this, or she wouldn't be able to keep her heavy backpack above the rushing torrents of water.

By now, her lower body was already numb. The river almost seemed to call to her as she slipped through it. Rocks and stones were slick underneath her feet, threatening to give out at any second. The constant pull tugged at her body, begging her to allow the water to carry her somewhere far, far away, where she wouldn't have to deal with assassinations or betrayals. How simple it would be, to just let go and lie down in the river's cool embrace. She could almost imagine releasing her death-grip on the rope, her hands drifting down to her sides in peaceful relaxation—

Under her right foot, a rock moved shifted and her foot slid right off of it, disrupting her balance, forcing a cry of surprise from her mouth. Her feet weren't on the riverbed anymore. Fighting to keep upright, her left foot caught onto a rocky crag and she forced herself on up again. Her hands were white-knuckled around the rope as she heaved herself back on her feet. I'm safe, I'm alright, I'm alive.

Then an angry rush of water caught at her pack, slamming the heavy burden under the icy water and she gasped before her fingers slipped from the rope, river water closing over her head—she was under—open eyes, blue light streaming down from above—such comforting coolness—such painless relief—

—a jerk that snapped her body back against the current, a strong arm lifting her above the river and she could breathe now, blinking water from her eyes. Katara choked, the arm around her all that was keeping her up.

Swiping a hand across her face, she opened her eyes to see Qin's head craned around to look at her behind him, a worried look on his face. "Lieutenant!" he yelled. "Katara went down, but the Emperor's got her now."

Katara could see that Lt. Ensei was already on the opposite side, standing next to a frowning Faozu.

"Get her over here quick!" yelled the blonde leader.

"Are you okay?" asked Hiro from behind Emperor Zuko. Katara nodded, even though she knew Hiro probably couldn't see. But her teeth were chattering too hard to form any words.

"She's fine, just cold," said the Emperor, his voice coming alarmingly close to her ear. Belatedly, she remembered he was still holding her tight against him to prevent her being washed away again by the river.

Shivering, Katara tried to grab at the rope with shaking hands, but found that she couldn't curl her hands around it, much less form a secure grip. She resigned herself to being dragged across the rest of the way like an ungainly piece of luggage. Still, she tried to make an effort.

"If I'm t-to heavy, I th-think I c-can w-w-walk," she said, trying to force the sounds through her chattering teeth. The Emperor walked steadily forward through the water.

"I don't think you could crawl right now, much less walk by yourself," came the reply, so close she could feel his warm breath by her ear. Much too close for comfort. His arm was like a warm iron band around her waist. Warm… warm was good. I'm probably dripping all over him, she thought absent-mindedly, not really caring at all.

It seemed forever until they reached the opposite bank. By then, she couldn't feel the cold anymore. Her entire body was numb.

Leaning down, the Lieutenant grabbed her as the Emperor pushed her up using her soaking-wet backpack, and she was heaved onto dry land. Then the Emperor and Hiro crawled up too.

"Is the second river far from here?" asked Hiro, shivering on the ground.

"Almost another day's walk," answered the Lieutenant. "Think you could stand staying wet and cold, or would we all rather just find a place to camp tonight?"

"We better camp and get warm," said the Emperor. "It'll get dark soon, and if we don't get out of these wet clothes, we'll all get hypothermia. Especially Katara." He jerked his chin towards her.

Katara tried to protest and say that she could walk for a bit, before she realized how stupid and ineffective that would be. She wouldn't last for a minute, tramping through the cool night in soaking wet clothing.

Faozu soon found a suitable clearing, and they began the usual preparations. It was all second nature by now. Lt. Ensei and the Emperor chopped wood and lit the fire (the latter was the Emperor's job), and Qin and Faozu cleared a patch in the undergrowth free of rocks and branches for the tent. Katara and Hiro sorted out the tent canvas (only slightly damp), poles, and tie ropes before setting the whole thing up.

Once the camp was ready for the night, the patrol began to change out of their clammy wet clothes. Katara was the only one who had to change everything—the rest of them were wet only from the waist down.

Opening her pack, Katara grimaced as she saw the waterlogged contents. It looked like she was carrying around a lake in there. This certainly wasn't good.

Her food; she gingerly fished it out and unwrapped the packages that had been prepared by the army kitchens before they'd left. Setting them out before the fire, she tried to save the still edible parts. The food that had disintegrated in the water she had to throw away; what a waste.

Her weapons were mostly all fine. The metal of knives and sword just needed to be wiped down to prevent rust. Her bow and arrows had to dry.

Katara groaned silently in her head as she lifted out her soaked extra clothes. There went her hope of putting on warm dry clothing. Try to wring out as much water as possible, she draped her black uniform over a low tree branch.

Turning around, a black bundle flew through the air at her; only by reflex did she catch it. She shook it out and discovered a dry black shirt. Katara looked up, surprised, at the Emperor.

"I brought an extra," he said, before turning away.

Hiro glanced up and threw something else at her. She caught it, ready this time. Pants.

"I brought two extras!" Hiro crowed. "Pretty smart of me, eh?"

She smiled back at him. "Absolutely genius, Hiro."

It was easy to joke with Hiro, who acted like an affectionate brother towards her. She knew how to deal with that. The Emperor, on the other hand…

She set the borrowed clothes aside for a minute, lifting out her sleeping bag. There'd be no sleeping comfortably tonight. The thing was completely drenched, having absorbed water like a sponge, and it was impossible that anyone had brought an extra. Katara draped it over a branch next to her wet clothes, hoping everything would be dry by morning. See as how her luck had all but disappeared, probably not.

She crawled into the tent to change, peeling off her wet shirt. Nothing she could do about her underthings, unless she was going to borrow a bra and underwear from one of the men. The mere thought of it was outrageous. She would just have to suck it up and deal with it.

Katara had to roll up the shirt sleeves and pants cuffs just a bit, unused to the length. She'd already tailored her own clothes to fit her perfectly. But they were outside now, dripping from a tree branch. Oh well. Be grateful that you at least have something dry to wear.

When she came out, everybody was gathered by the warm campfire.

"Feeling okay?" asked Hiro as she sat down next to him, poking at her food that wasn't drying fast enough.

"It's not like I'm sick or anything," she said, a bit irritably. "I just got wet. I'm fine. But thanks for asking," she added at the end, wanting Hiro to know she wasn't angry at him.

"It's thanks to the Emperor that you're fine," put in Lt. Ensei, on the opposite side of the campfire. She noticed he had his cigarette in his mouth again.

Katara tried not to be bothered by it. She hated feeling like she was in debt to anybody. And that fact that she owed her life to him, the enemy, made it even worse. Still, it would seem like she was an ungrateful little chit if she didn't express the fact that she was, in the end, grateful for his help.

"Thank you," she mumbled, before clearing her throat and meeting his eyes across the fire. "The river would probably have washed me away and killed me if you hadn't grabbed me in time."

The Emperor merely nodded in acceptance.

Katara hoped the warmth in her cheeks was only from her proximity to the fire. Why would saying thanks be such an embarrassing thing? She was glad she was alive and dry and well. What was there to be all worked up about? She was a fool.

"This is real touching and all, but I suggest that if we make it to the second river by noon tomorrow, we sleep now and wake up early in the morning," said Qin, kicking a bit of dirt onto the fire, causing it to spark.

Everybody murmured their agreement and got up to tend to their last duties before turning in for sleep.

Hiro was unrolling his sleeping bag as Katara lay down on the tent floor, in nothing but her borrowed clothes. Her sleeping bag was still damp; she wasn't going to sleeping in anything else.

"Hey Katara, if you want to—" Hiro held up his own bag.

She cut him off. "This is my problem and mine only. You keep your bag; I'll survive."

Hiro grinned and pretended to grumble. "No wonder chivalry is dead. There's absolutely no appreciation for it anymore."

Katara just rolled her eyes.

"I bet you could at least share with someone, these things are pretty big and none of us are too big except for Faozu—"

Qin sniggered and Faozu pretended to scowl.

Katara gave Hiro a look. "I'm not sharing with anyone—"

"You don't trust us?" He pouted.

"—even if you are as pure and innocent as you claim to be."

"I'm hurt!"

"As you should be." Katara kept an angry look on her face for a second longer before they both burst into laughter. It's almost like having Sokka back again.

"Keep it down in there, children," came the Lieutenant's bored voice from outside. "I said it was bedtime, didn't I?"

"Yes, mother."

Then there were only the sounds of rustling as everybody settled in for the night. Katara squished between Hiro and Qin; their wrapped body warmth on either side of her would probably prevent any deadly freezing that might occur in the night. She was fine.

All of a sudden the sound of footsteps outside and the Emperor's head poked into the tent. Everyone look at him in surprise.

"I just remembered—" he began, ignoring the looks they gave him. "—Katara doesn't have a sleeping bag, does she?"

"She said that—" began Hiro, before Katara cut in.

"I'm perfectly alright like this. I won't freeze to death or anything, if you were worried," she replied, her tone just a bit on the icy side. "but thank you."

The Emperor gave her one more inscrutable look before he finally disappeared, presumably to go back to his own tent.

Katara lay back down in silence, as the men shifted around again and began to drop off, one by one. It was getting a little chilly, and she scooted a bit closer to Hiro, so her back would be warm. As usual, she was the last one still awake, staring at the tent walls above her.

She'd been wrong about her being the only one awake, because Hiro spoke, voice barely audible, as soon as she stopped moving. "You didn't have to be so cold with him."

Katara didn't turn to face him. "I don't know what you're talking about." But she did.

"You know we're all just worried because you almost got washed away in the river, Katara," Hiro continued, as if she hadn't spoken. "And the Emperor's probably extra worried because he actually saw you go under and had a little panic attack before he fished you out again."

"I get it, thanks," she said. A panic attack?

Hiro sighed behind her. "Alright, I can tell you're not in the mood. But I want you to know that this is just what we're supposed to do as an Elite Patrol. Look out for each other. Keep each other from getting killed. You know, sorta like best friends would. That's how we'll actually be able to work. And like it or not, you are part of us." Hiro paused a bit.

"And you know the Emperor is a good guy. He actually cares for us common soldiers, enough to attempt his own life to save one of us. Emperor Zuko is a good ruler, Katara, someone worth dying for." He turned so that Katara could tell his back was to her now as well. "And that's all I'm going to say. Good night."

Katara's eyes were wide open, seeing nothing but darkness and the vague shapes of her fellow sleeping soldiers. Hiro's words echoed in her mind.

Look out for each other. Keep each other from getting killed. Sorta like best friends would. The phrases echoed in her mind. Was this how it had come to be? Other people watching her back, keeping her alive, and expecting her to do the same for them? Sharing clothes and other things when one person was in need? Offering to give up comforts so somebody else would not go without? Remembering that everyone had their own quirks and personalities? Faozu's quiet strength, Qin's sly humor, Hiro's quick laughter, Lt. Ensei's dry wit and good leadership.

Like it or not, you are part of us.

What did they think when they looked at her?

What did the Emperor think when he looked at her?

A quick tightening of her chest and a swarm of confused thoughts filled her mind. She didn't get it. She really didn't get it.

Emperor Zuko is a good ruler, Katara, someone worth dying for.

Katara wanted to scream out loud, you're wrong, you're wrong! He's the enemy! He is a murderer, a tyrant, a monster! He isn't the closest thing to a good ruler! And he most definitely is not worth dying for.

So does that make him somebody worth killing?

In her mind, the warm laughter of her fellow soldiers rose around her as she remembered their ribbing and teasing and joking. Especially today, about the heat and the shirt thing. How could they be so accepting of her? Didn't they see through her? Couldn't they see the taint on her, the thousands of lies and lies and more lies that she had created in order to, at the very end, betray them all?

Because she could feel that taint now, like an oily, greasy, disgusting skin covering her face and hands and every part of her body.

The image of the Mistress's bland, white, emotionless face juxtaposed the warm memories she had of the Elite soldiers' laughter.

I want you to love me, Mother! Love me like you do Suki and Sokka and everybody else!

Those words, those pleading, begging, childish words that had been her inner prayer every night before falling asleep. The foolish hope of a little girl who so desperately wanted a mother to hug her, kiss her, love her.

But now, she found, she no longer took comfort in the familiar white features of the Mistress.

Because thinking of that face at that moment shot a cold, dead bolt through her chest, making her realize what she should have known all along, should have known since the moment Faozu had helped her with her sewing, since the moment Qin had told her a joke, since the moment Hiro had hugged her, since the moment the Emperor had saved her from the rushing waters of the river.

I've already found people who love me. And it's not you, Mother. It's not you.

A/N: Before you ask, Katara has not turned to the Dark Side (joke, joke). There are still people on Kyoshi Island that she cares about (Sokka, Suki) and would willingly kill for. But, as you can probably tell, her mind has been opened to new ideas. Just a heads up.

So… as for the results of the Age Poll, I got everything from 12 to 32. Wow. But majority of you did guess in the 13-21 range, which was definitely more accurate. And… yeah. I'm not going to tell you my exact age because pfft I'm mean like that.

A few of you also referenced Tamora Pierce and asked me if her books were an inspiration for this story and if I've ever read them. Alright. I'm going to be utterly truthful and honest with you guys: I never even thought about Tamora Pierce until you guys mentioned her books.

I swear to god. I have read her books in fact, and there was an inspiration for this story, but Tamora Pierce was not it. I read her books so long ago (third grade? Fourth?) that I really barely remember anything, except that I didn't think they really measured up to all the hype they were getting. I read them because all my girl friends were. To me, they are the epitome of the definition of girl!fantasy, which I think is entertaining but oftentimes shallow (sorry to the Tamora fans). I've read a few authors who I think are amazing and have totally pulled off that genre, but in a more mature and developed way. (Robin McKinley, Sherwood Smith, Juliet Marillier, maybe Garth Nix).

Wanna know the real inspiration for this story? A space-technology military sci-fi action alien-fighting book that I thought was genius. Warchild by Karin Lowachee. Amazing work. Real moving moral and ethical issues. A bit on par with the Ender and Ender's Shadow series of Orson Scott Card (whom I love/adore/worship) but different.

Hope you guys liked the chapter and R&R! (Yes, Adia was going to be in this chapter but it got WAY too long so I had to cut it out for the next one.)