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"The Boy Who Failed"

"Damn it!" The boy called Harry Potter cursed. He was looking at a test he had just taken in History of Magic. He read it from the top:

History of Magic Test: F

Poo on you.

Harry made a face similar to this: OO;;, then crumpled up the test and shoved it in his pocket.

"Harry!" Hermione Granger cried, "You don't ever crumple up tests! It makes you look stupid."

"Oh shut up, Hermione," Harry shot back furiously. He made a rude hand sign at her, then at Dumbledore, then Hagrid, as well as Snape, who immediately shot him in the head. After Ron had removed the bullet and healed him, he reassured Harry,

"A Fail isn't that bad. At least you don't live with him," Ron pointed to the house elf Dobby, who was now the richest… thing in the world.

"'Ello ello," Dobby said as he put his pinkie to the corner of his mouth, "Just wondering if you wanted to pop by for a spot of tea." Harry began to cry as hatred for life began to flow through him. He pulled out a handy knife and began to stab himself furiously with it.

"Nooooooo!" Hermione screamed, "Healo! HEALO!"

"Invinceibus Tomyselfus," Ron chanted, and Harry gained an invisible shield so he could no longer stab himself.

"I WANT TO DIIIIE!" Harry screamed, so Snape came along with a 4X4 car and smacked Harry so hard, his face caved in. Harry screamed as blood poured from his now bleeding thing that used to be a face.

"Faceius Healius!" Ron spelled. Harry began to cry, as now his death had been again foiled. Suddenly, a sound was heard in the depths of the girl's bathroom.

"IIIIIIIII got no strings to hold me up," the eerie voice sang. Harry jumped at the voice.

"Another chance for suicide! ONWARD!" He cried, then pulled out Griffindor's sword and started hacking off heads of passing students in the way of the bathroom. Loud, booming music played as he did so, until it was shot by the famous gunslinger Snape, who also loved to aim at heads and such, so Harry's hacking-fest brought him much rejoicing.

In the bathroom, Harry dove into a toilet in vain attempts to drown himself, but it was too late- Hermione had stuffed Gillyweed down his throat.

"DAMN!" He screamed in annoyance.

"Shh!" Hermione shushed, "We can't get caught spying."

"I'll have to agree," agreed Ron, "so let's be quiet and listen."

Harry now had his head stuffed in a toilet so he could breathe, but used an extendable ear to here what was going on.

"…So, from our last meeting, it seemed we were-

PLOTTING TO KILL HARRY POTTER. MWA HA HA HA!" A familiar voice cackled.

"But how will be do dat, boss?" A stupid, familiar voice asked stupidly.

"Didn't you read the memos, Goyle!" The other voice snapped.

"Harry!" Hermione gasped, "It's Malfoy! And he wants to ki-"

"Shut up!" Ron shushed her, "Don't mention D-E-A-T-H around Harry, or he might try something. Now listen!"

Malfoy continued on.

"So, I guess I have to explain this AGAIN," he groaned.

"Yeah boss," Crabbe then added.

"Huh huh. Huh huh," Goyle dimly laughed.

Malfoy sighed angrily, then continued. "First, we were to drive him insane by forcing him to play pool with an intelligent parrot, then we were going to beat him with pomegranates until he breathes no more!" He grinned, "Brilliant, I'd say."

"Huh huh, yeah, boss," Crabbe guffawed.

Harry suddenly realized what the three villains were talking about. He popped out of the toilet, a fishbowl over his head, filled with water so he could breathe, then spurted, "You wanna kill me?"

"Harry… goood," Malfoy grinned, "time to die! BRING IN THE PARROT!"

A Parrot with a Capitan's hat came in, holding a pool stick thing. It grinned, and started beating 8 balls and 9 balls into the pockets of the pool table. Harry furiously fought with it, all the while screaming, "WHY CAN'T I DIE?"

Hermione was scared for Harry, as she knew it would be his doom, and there was nothing she could do.

"Harry!" she cried, "I love you!" Then, Malfoy also cried out.

"Hermione, I love you!"

The chorus of "I love you's" and feelings being admitted were so cheesy and every-Harry-Potter-fanfic-has-this-sort-of-crap-except-making-out-is-involved-and-I-shall-not-stoop-that-lowness, the author vomited, then erased the remainder of the story involving "special feelings."

As the feud that did not include "special feelings" continued, there was much violence that had to be censored out.

All of a sudden, Dumbledore went on the announcements.

"Ahem," he began, "I would like you all to pay attention. We now have a new Defence Against the Dark Art's teacher, Professor OMG. We hope you enjoy him, and now I have to go steal food from the kitchens. Giggle Shnot, everyone."

The PA turned off, and all of the students rushed out of the washroom to meet the teacher.

"ZOMG its studnts!111!one!" Professor OMG n00bed, as he looked around stupidly.

"What an odd teacher," Harry muttered.

"Indeed," Ron agreed sheepishly, "Let's talk with him."

"Hello, Professor," Harry greeted.

"OMG the chsn 1 that dosnt cum round evry dy lol" he burbled.

"Uhh… Harry?" Ron was confused, "What's he saying?"

"Obviously," Hermione began, "he's talking in 'chat speak,' the newest craze."

"Where does it come from?" Harry asked.

"Internet," a random student piped up.

"Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh," Ron ohed.

Suddenly, Professor OMG turned to Harry and asked, "Omg, I need u 2 help me."

Not yet… no flames… read on…