Partially Awake
Chapter 7: Deviate

Notes: I guess it's a good thing that I was too excited about my Christmas presents to sleep, because it gave me the perfect time to write. This chapter was written almost entirely on an old ThinkPad that I borrowed, which is now my new best friend since I can't do anything except using Word on it. It's good, because it keeps me from getting distracted by reading other fics, browsing around the internet or chatting on MSN. Also, I've opened up a Gundam SEED writing forum here at FFN. The link to it can be found through my profile, hope to see you there and that you like this chapter!

"So you guys slept in the same bed?"

Trying his best not to break the coffee cup, Yzak rolled his eyes. Despite enjoying a calm day, drinking the best coffee on Aprilius One, on a sunny day with his best friend, he still could not escape the topic.

"For Christ's sake Dearka, how many times do I have to say it?" he snapped. "Nothing. Happened."

"How big is her bed?"

"Excuse me?"

"Just answer, how big is her bed?"

Yzak frowned.

"Sort of big… queen sized perhaps."

"Well… I guess it's sort of possible then if you both stayed away from each other all night."

Despite what he said, Dearka crossed his arms and his face expression revealed that he was clearly not convinced. Yet he did not say anything, it was as if he was expecting to be told the truth in time. The all knowing look on his face was what made Yzak almost crush his coffee cup. Here he was telling him the complete truth and Dearka did not even believe him.

"You're all perverts," Yzak muttered and sipped at his coffee instead.

"What?"

"Nothing."

"So where's Shiho now?" Dearka asked. "I thought you said that your plan was to ditch your parents."

"We don't actually have to spend time with each other for real," Yzak replied. "As long as we keep making up excuses whenever our parents call we can pretty much do whatever we want."

He had to admit, after coming up with one failing plan after another the current one was actually working. For five days he had avoided his mother and he was pretty sure that Shiho had done the same. One did not have to be a genius to know that their constant dismissal of their parents would have the exact effect on their parents that they wanted.

But still, Dearka did not look convinced.

"What the hell is with you?" Yzak asked.

"Nothing!" Dearka answered defensively. "It's just that I'm wondering how long you and Shiho can keep this up. I mean, this is your mother we're talking about. She never backs out of anything, especially something that she came up with. You and Shiho are just two pawns in her grand scheme."

"We're not pawns!" Yzak snapped. "And stop talking about my mother like she's a villain!"

Dearka raised his hands in defeat.

"Everyone's thinking it, I'm just saying it."

Shooting glares that would kill at his best friend, Yzak finished the rest of his coffee. He glanced at his watch and saw that it was only 4 p.m. Drumming his fingers against the table, he briefly went through his options. The most practical one was to start to deal with all the paper work so that he wouldn't have to do everything at once when the vacation was over. Then there was Dearka, who would probably spend the night at some new club which even Yzak had to admit was a lot more interesting than working.

"What are you going to do later? Going to another club again?"

Dearka's eyes widened and he blinked a few times.

"A club?" he repeated. "Tonight?"

Yzak looked at him with just as much confusion.

"What's wrong with tonight?"

"Tonight is the Junius 7 memorial held outside the White Rose Hall. Or did you forget that along with the fact that your wedding is only five days away?"

Yzak felt his body freeze up upon hearing that voice. Although it was as if he was unable to move, his mind was clearer than ever. He recognized that voice. It was his mother's voice. His angry mother's voice.

"Yzak Jule, stand up and look at me!"

Upon hearing his mother use his full name, Yzak stood up immediately. He turned around quickly, much to his regret when he discovered that not only was his mother there, but she wasn't alone. Hovering over her shoulder was Kevin as usual, looking not so pleased simply because Ezaria wasn't. Then there were both of Shiho's parents, Friedrich looking bored and Keiko looking slightly irritated.

"Mother… um, what are you doing here?" Yzak asked and smiled nervously.

"That's what I should be asking you," Ezaria retorted, crossing her arms. "I thought you said that you and Shiho were going… oh, what was it… horseback riding? At least that's what you told us this morning."

Yzak winced.

The thought of committing suicide with the help of the sugar spoon became rather tempting.

"Well, you see…"

"Thank goodness we ran into Dearka's girlfriend who told us where you really were," Ezaria cut off. "Hello Dearka."

"Nice to see you again, Mrs Jule!"

Dearka waved cheerfully from where he sat.

Yzak's right eye twitched.

Killing Dearka with a sugar spoon sounded a lot better than committing suicide.

"Nevermind all of this," Keiko said suddenly.

She walked up a few steps towards Yzak and for the first time he could see a hint of desperation in her eyes. It seemed out of character for her, even though Yzak had not known her for long.

"Where is Shiho?" she asked. "She's not with you?"

Yzak raised an eyebrow curiously.

"Shiho? No, she's not here…"

"Well then, where is she!" Keiko burst out, panic and desperation growing in her eyes. "She's not at home and she doesn't answer when we call her cell phone! The memorial starts in an hour and we have no idea where she is!"

"Keiko, calm down," Friedrich said, stepping forward and putting his hands on his wife's shoulders. He then turned to look at Yzak. "Would you mind calling her for us? She won't answer when we call, but could you try?"

Yzak looked over his shoulder and at Dearka for some support or even advice, but the latter just shrugged. Facing Friedrich and Keiko again, he felt like he had no other choice but to take out his cell phone. Pushing a few buttons, he found Shiho's number in the phonebook and pressed "Call".

First ringing.

He turned away and pretended to look at a shop on the other side of the street.

Second ringing.

Even though he turned away from everyone he could practically feel how their anxious eyes stared at the back of his head.

Third ringing.

Where was she? Had she not talked to her parents at all and told them the excuse they had agreed on?

Fourth ringing.

Perhaps that was why their parents were there, because she had failed to inform her parents of the "plans" they had and in turn Keiko and Friedrich had turned to Ezaria.

Fifth ringing.

Damn you, you ruined the plan, Yzak thought angrily and his grip on his cell phone tightened.

Sixth ringing.

Still no answer.

Seventh ringing.

Shiho… what the hell are you doing…?

"…hello?"

"Shiho?" Yzak heard the relieved sighs coming from behind him. "Where are you?"

"I'm…" she started but she stopped herself right in the middle of the sentence. He heard her take a deep breath before speaking again and her voice was clearly marked with weariness. "What do you want?"

Yzak frowned, slightly taken back.

"The Junius 7 memorial is in an hour," he said calmly. "We have to attend, remember?"

"What are you talking about? We agreed to…"

"Shiho… dear," Yzak said through slightly gritted teeth. "Your mother is very concerned."

Emphasizing almost every word, he hoped that Shiho would get the point. There was nearly a whole minute of silence on the other end of the phone. Just when he thought that she might have hung up he heard her voice again.

"Fine… I'll meet you where the memorial is…"

"I'll pick you up," Yzak offered, surprising both Shiho and himself. "Where are you?"

She was quiet for a while again and during this time Yzak could not get rid of the nagging thought that something wasn't quite right with her. He could hear it from the tone of her voice and those lengthy pauses she made as if she was doubting whether to say anything at all.

"I'm at Newton Bay."

"I'll be there in ten minutes."

With that he hung up and turned to Ezaria, Friedrich and Keiko. They all stared at him in anticipation, even Dearka seemed oddly interested in what he had to say.

"She's at Newton Bay," Yzak informed. "Why don't you go on ahead, I'll pick her up and make sure that we get there in time."

Friedrich and Keiko exchanged a look, then nodded.

"Thank you so much for you help," Friedrich said before turning around and heading for the parking lot.

"Make sure you get there in time," Ezaria whispered to Yzak as she walked by. She stopped and straightened the collar of his white shirt. "I'll see you there."

She gave Yzak a light kiss on the cheek before leaving, seeming much calmer than she had been before. Kevin just walked by silently and Yzak shivered upon knowing that Kevin was looking at him with criticism from behind those big sunglasses. The next one to leave was Dearka, who left money for the coffee on the table before standing up and patting Yzak on the shoulder.

"I don't envy you at all," he chuckled, placed his hands in his pockets and began to walk away.

"Hey, where are you going?" Yzak called after him.

"To the memorial like everyone else. I'm gonna pick up Maggie first though. Speaking of girlfriends…" Dearka looked over his shoulder with a very annoying grin on his lips. "…you better go and pick up yours as well."

"She's not my girlfriend!" Yzak shouted just before Dearka disappeared around the corner.

When Yzak arrived at Newton Bay, he found Shiho standing on the sidewalk waiting for him. Once he pulled up his car, she sat down in the passenger's seat without a word. She slammed the door shut and sat there looking out the window. Yzak bit his bottom lip.

"What were you doing here?"

"Nothing," Shiho replied shortly. "I thought you said that we were going to the memorial?"

She did not even look at him. Frowning, Yzak hit the gas pedal and drove off. They spent the rest of the car ride in silence, Yzak focusing on looking at the road while Shiho stared aimlessly out the window.

Countless buildings zoomed by until they finally reached an area with green fields and blooming trees. Countless people were scattered all over the fields, some holding ceremonial paper lamps but most people carried flowers of different sorts. A bit further away was a stage with hundreds of chairs before it. The large building known as the White Rose Hall stood in the distance. The setting sun cast a warm, orange light over the whole scenery.

After finally finding a place to park the car, Yzak got out and Shiho followed him shortly afterwards. They said nothing to each other although Yzak was confused as to what was going on. Usually she wasn't this quiet, something was definitely wrong. He had just about worked up the courage to ask her again when they both caught sight of their parents sitting on one of the first few rows by the stage.

"Ah, finally!" Keiko stood up upon seeing them. "It's alright, you two are just in time."

She ushered Yzak and Shiho into their seats, which were on the row behind her own. Yzak sat down reluctantly. He wanted to talk to Shiho but even though he was sitting right next to her the timing was completely gone. In a matter of a few minutes the seats filled up and soon members of the memorial committee entered the stage.

Yzak hardly listened to the long speeches they made, his mind too full of thoughts to listen. It was no until he heard a strangely familiar piece of music that he actually looked up and paid attention. A girl was up on stage playing the piano. He watched her closely, trying to figure out if he had seen her somewhere before.

It took a while for him to realize it, but it was not the girl who he had encountered before.

It was just the music.

Nichol's music.

Seated two rows away were two people that Yzak recognized right away. One was former councilman Yuri Amarfi and the woman with aqua hair sitting next to him was his wife. Nichol's parents.

No doubt had they allowed the use of his music to be used at this memorial. Not only was it for the victims of the Junius 7 tragedy, but for every life that had been lost in the war. The Amarfis had lost their only child and upon hearing the music Yzak felt the strange twinge in his heart that he had not felt since that day in the locker room when he, Athrun and Dearka had returned without Nichol.

Yzak looked around.

Mrs Amarfi rested her head against her husband's shoulder. An elderly man looked at the stage with a stoic expression but with glistening eyes. A woman was drying her tears with a tissue. Others watched the pianist, no doubt conjuring up their own images in their mind and memories drawn out by the music.

Then there was Shiho, sitting right next to him yet he looked at her last. She was not looking at the pianist, but staring down at her own folded hands. Her expression was one of sadness, just like everyone else at the memorial.

After a moment of hesitation, Yzak slowly reached out his hand and took hers. He felt her shiver upon his touch and he almost drew back his hand. But minutes passed without Shiho pulling away and after a while he laced his fingers with hers. Then he turned his eyes back towards the stage and sometime he thought that he felt Shiho squeezing his hand back.

"Before we leave, I would just like to make something clear."

Ezaria turned around right before she was about to enter the limousine. She looked at Yzak and Shiho, who stood next to each other. They had let go of each other's hands as the memorial had ended and now stood in the parking lot saying goodbye to their parents. Friedrich and Keiko had already gone into the limousine and Kevin was by Ezaria's side as usual, holding the car door for her.

"The wedding isn't that far away," Ezaria went on. "There are a lot of things to plan in order for everything to be done in time. The wedding is going to be held at the manor. I'm going back to Martius Two in two days and I need you two to come with me. Understand?"

Yzak nodded dumbly and Shiho gave a weak smile.

"Good," Ezaria smiled. "I'll see you then. Good night."

She hug both Yzak and Shiho at once before disappearing into the limousine. Just as Kevin was about to close the car door, Friedrich suddenly poked his head out, startling nearly everyone.

"Yzak!"

Yzak felt a strange lump of nervousness forming in his throat upon being the only one targeted by Friedrich.

"Martius Two has one of the most excellent golf courses in all of the PLANTS," Friedrich told. "Keiko and I won't be joining you until a few more days but perhaps you and I could take a swing when we arrive, see who's the best?"

"Sounds like an excellent idea, Mr Hahnenfuss," Yzak replied.

He spoke surprisingly good even though felt like he had an actual golf ball stuck in his throat. Friedrich did not seem to notice at all and smiled broadly and gave a thumbs up before getting back into the car. Kevin closed the door after him and then got into the driver's seat. Yzak and Shiho watched the limousine drive away before slowly making their way back to the car.

"Will you give me a ride home?" Shiho asked quietly.

"Yeah."

Yzak stuck his hands in his pockets and kept his eyes focused on the ground as he walked. Shiho did not speak and walked in a similar manner. The ride home was simply a repeat of the earlier one. The only thing different was that three hours had passed since then and that the orange sky was now dark. Yzak avoided looking at Shiho. He remembered the tone of her voice from the phone conversation and her face from the memorial. Even someone as emotionally unaware as Yzak knew that something was wrong.

"Thanks for the ride," Shiho murmured once Yzak pulled up the car in front of the building.

"Is that all you have to say?" Yzak gripped the steering wheel harder. "Or are you just going to pretend that nothing's wrong?"

Already halfway up the car, Shiho looked at Yzak over her shoulder. The lack of surprise on her face already confirmed Yzak's suspicions. But looking at him was all that she did. Not a single word escaped from her mouth, either she did not know what to say or she did not want to say anything. It was so unlike her and how she normally had something to say about everything.

"I know something's wrong," Yzak went on. "You came up with this one whole with our parents and you were so eager to follow it through. Yet you ruined it by not calling them today. What's wrong with you?"

He watched Shiho in her silence. The way she bit her bottom lip and frowned told him exactly how conflicted she felt. For a moment he felt like smiling at the way she was standing. Her being halfway out of the car and not moving either way represented how she was trying to make a decision. He turned his eyes away from her, thinking that it might make her nervous. Focusing on looking forwards instead, he spoke.

"If you don't want to tell me…"

"I do."

Yzak looked up.

"It's just…" Shiho hesitated. "I'd rather not do it here. In the car, on the parking lot. It's just…"

"We could go up to your place," Yzak blurted out and once he realized just what he had said, he bit his tongue. "…if you want."

Shiho got out of the car and shut the door after her. Yzak jumped, startled and afraid that she had taken real offense at what he had said. Unbuckling his seatbelt, Yzak pushed the car door open with force and jumped out as quickly as he could. Once he was out, he looked over the car and saw her heading for the entrance to the apartment building.

"H…hey!" Yzak stammered. "I didn't mean it like that, it's just that I…"

He stopped in the middle of the sentence when Shiho opened the door, but turned around and kept it open. She stood there without saying a word, but standing by the door and waiting for something. A gentle breeze caught her hair and pulled thick strands out of her loose ponytail. His eyes met hers and could not bear to look away.

It took a while before Yzak realized that she was waiting for him.

"Are you coming?" she shouted from where she stood, in her usual tone that was not too soft.

Locking the car quickly, Yzak ran over and joined her by the door. She was the one who broke their eye contact once he stood before her, looking slightly flushed. Yzak just gave her a curious look and felt a little strange to be the one going inside first while a lady was holding up the door. He walked up the steps slowly with Shiho following closely behind. It was only when they reached the door that she stepped before him. There was a nervous fumbling with keys before the door was opened.

As she entered Shiho turned on the lights in the bedroom. Seeing as her apartment was not that big it gave them enough light to see. Shiho took off her shoes somewhere between the hallway and the living room and proceeded into the bedroom without setting the shoes aside. Out of courtesy Yzak removed his shoes as well, but he left them standing by the door. He then followed her, walking slowly as he was not sure of what to do. He found her sitting on the bed, facing down with her hands folded neatly in her lap. She was her own mirror image of what she had looked like at the memorial. Although he hesitated for a while, eventually Yzak joined her and sat down next to her.

"How often do you visit your mother?"

The question seemed to come out of the blue. Yzak looked at Shiho curiously.

"Huh?"

"How often do you visit your mother?" Shiho repeated. "When you're off duty, I mean."

"At least once a week," Yzak answered, thinking briefly about how Ezaria had craved more attention now that she was under "house arrest". "Why?"

Shiho shrugged.

"That morning, the same day as the engagement party…" she started slowly. "I had breakfast with my mother. It was the first time in seven years."

Though he hid his reaction well, Yzak was surprised at her revelation. It did not take a genius to see that Shiho was not particularly close to her parents but seven years was a long time. Before he could say anything, or even try to think of something reasonable to say, Shiho let out a quiet chuckle.

"I was never the perfect child," she continued. "Always off doing something that my mother didn't like, always saying the wrong things to the wrong people and never wanting to do the same thing as my mother."

"I can imagine," Yzak said suddenly.

For some reason his word brought the hint of a smile on her face.

"I can't say that I suffered from it, sometimes I got a kick out of rebelling. It wasn't that bad, we did get along… at least as well as a teenage daughter and a controlling mother could." Shiho sighed. "You're going to think that I'm stupid for getting upset about this."

"I'm not," Yzak assured quickly.

But his protest came a little too quick, because he could see that Shiho did not really believe him. At that point it was his turn to sigh.

"Think that if you want. But I think if you truly felt that you would be ridiculed you would not have bothered to start telling me in the first place."

"…true."

Shiho lay down on the bed, hands folded behind her head while she faced the ceiling. Yzak scooted further onto the bed and turned so that he could get a good look of her face while she spoke. She looked a lot calmer now than she did before.

"My cousin died in Junius 7," she revealed. "We were never really that close but she was older than me and I looked up to her. Sometimes when I wasn't in a mood to rebel I used to wish that I could be more like her. She was intelligent, elegant, everything that my mother would have wanted for a daughter. After Junius 7… she was just gone. I didn't cry that much, but I just felt that she was gone. No more after school ice creams or her helping me whenever I needed an excuse to get away from my mom. She was just… not there anymore."

Yzak lay down as well, propping himself up on one elbow and watching Shiho closely as she spoke.

"I guess she was partially the reason why I enlisted. I had to do something, you know? My mother, of course, was outraged. Although she said that it was a good thing that I wanted to do something, the military was not a woman's world. I was too young, I would not be able to get through the training, let alone survive a battle. It was not a sensible choice, not for me. My father agreed with her but he didn't say much. After all, what would it look like if a respected, former general in ZAFT would forbid his own daughter to enlist?"

"So he just let you go?"

"I got him to sign all the papers but he wasn't exactly pleased. Just as I was leaving my mother told me that if I walked out the door I shouldn't expect to be welcomed back. I guess there was a part of me telling myself that this was just like any other argument. We'd disagree, I'd still do whatever I wanted and in the end my mother would just roll her eyes and things would go on as they were. It's just that this time she was serious. She and dad didn't come to my graduation ceremony. All I received from them was the same printed invitation cards to their annual Christmas party, the kind of invitation they send to everyone they know."

Shiho chuckled again, but her laughter was not sincere and there was very little joy in her eyes.

"I was reduced to someone they invited out of courtesy, up until they decided on the engagement."

She turned her head, looking directly at Yzak. It was only at that point that he became aware of the fact that they were lying about a foot apart and he hoped that his face did not gain too much color at the thought. He faked clearing his throat, hoping to disguise his reaction.

"It's… um…" he started, then a thought occurred to him. "You said that you liked rebelling against your mother. Then why didn't you…"

"…flat out refuse when the engagement was brought up instead of playing this charade?" Shiho finished with a weak smile. "I don't know. I guess I'm a bit of a hypocrite. It was the first time I heard from my parents about something that included me as a person and it was just that one little thing made me happy. Perhaps it was me deciding that it was better to manipulate them into achieving what I want rather than tell the truth and have them disappointed and shun me again."

Hearing all those things made Yzak think more deeply about the whole thing. There was Shiho, someone who had a completely different relationship with her parents but yet wanted the same thing as he did. Not to disappoint their parents and despite all those clear differences, still sought for their approval and pride.

"I guess we want to keep the cake and eat it," Yzak mused. "We don't want to disappoint our parents but we still think that this whole engagement is a crap idea that should have never even be thought of."

"We're selfish people," Shiho said.

"Yup."

"Selfish people who can't decide on one thing."

"Selfish people whose ideas fall apart one by one."

Despite the insulting tone, Shiho let out a short but true laughter at what he had said. She smiled broadly, her body shook and her eyes had a glimmer of life as she laughed. A part of Yzak felt lighter and warmer as well when he saw her reaction.

"You have to admit that it worked a little," she said after a while. "I mean, we got them off our backs for what? Five days? That's sure makes up for all the time we've been forced to spend with them ever since we got back."

"True…" Yzak agreed. "Although having them ambush me today was not exactly the best thing that happened to me this week."

"And what would that be?" Shiho wondered.

Yzak frowned.

"Don't know, just said it to prove my point."

"I see."

It felt like a thick veil of silence had been laid over them, neither spoke out of fear of saying too much. Yzak lay down completely on his back, his hand folded neatly together and resting on his stomach. He stared at a spot on the ceiling and out of boredom he almost started to speculate about what kind of spot it was and what had caused it. After a couple of minutes of silence, Shiho reached for the remote control.

"Wanna watch TV?"

"Sure."

The dark screen of the TV came to life and the first they saw was a middle aged man locking lips with a young woman who could easily have been his daughter.

"Oh great… it's old pervert's dream night," Yzak muttered.

Shiho smiled weakly and held up the remote control for him to take. Yzak took it and started to flip the channels. After going encountering chess games, a documentary about slugs, bad music videos and a debate on agricultural reforms, Yzak found himself back at the same channel as before. The old man and the young woman were now holding hands and running down a crowded street while stopping and looking and looking at various merchandise at the shops.

"Why do they do that?" Shiho questioned. "Hold hands and run? They're not even going anywhere."

"Boredom?" Yzak suggested and was starting to suffer from the same thing.

Shiho yawned.

"Where there's people, there's always going to be bad TV," she murmured to herself.

They both lay there watching TV silently, following the lives of the odd couple who seemed to have no other purpose but to run around the streets of Tokyo in bliss and occasionally make out. It did not take long before Shiho turned to lie on her side with her back against Yzak. Only minutes later Yzak heard her slow, deep breaths and sat up to discover that she was asleep.

Sighing, Yzak scooted off the bed. He turned off the TV and walked quietly across the room to not wake her. He put the remote control back on the nightstand on Shiho's side and was about to turn off the lights as well when his eyes caught sight of her sleeping form. She was sound asleep already, which made him wonder how tired she had been throughout the day and how much sleep she had gotten the past few days with the anniversary of the Junius Seven memorial on her mind.

He instantly reached out, lifting Shiho a little and with his other hand pulling at the covers. It was summer and nights were usually pretty warm, but still… It would be easier for her to kick off the covers in her sleep than to wake up in the middle of the night freezing.

Identifying this new thoughts and feelings as worry, Yzak shook his head.

He practically tip-toed out of the bedroom, through the living room and into the hallway where he carefully put his shoes on. Then, after turning all lights off in the apartment, Yzak quietly left, hoping that in the morning she would feel better.