5

"The Chocola Monster"

Harry woke screaming. He cried and screamed loudly for help, but no one came. He was left to cry and scream all alone in his four-poster bed. He saw a silhouette, then he cried and screamed even more. He smelled chocolate, but even that didn't calm his super-charged fear. Then, from behind the window curtain stepped the silhouette! It dashed down the stairs and into the night. However, Harry had no time to cry or scream, as he had suddenly fallen asleep, and the reason for that was his roommates had cursed him since he wouldn't stop yelling.

When Harry woke the next morning, he was shivering. He realized he had a fever, so, in a lame attempt to kill himself, he stole all of the blankets in the room and tried to overheat. Then, Ron woke up.

"Give it a rest, man," he groaned, "You're not going to die any time soon."

"B-but," Harry shook with delight, "I can TRY." He looked at the door, then screamed down the stairs, "Just try it, Chocola! You'll never kill me because I'm dying from a fever!" Then he laughed manically. Dean Thomas stared.

"Is he crazy?" He inquired frightfully.

"Probably," Ron answered, "but I think it's his fever. He's likely delusional."

"Ah," Neville nodded.

"Neville," Seamus Finnigan said superiorly, "You have to say 'Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh' in a silly attempt to revive an old joke." He then rolled his eyes. Neville then ran crying from the room.

"N-no he d-doesn't," Harry shivered, "R-reviving old j-jokes m-makes the au-author s-sound s-silly and un-unoriginal."

"Pshaw," Seamus rolled his eyes again. "I said it was silly."

"Indeed, he did," Dean agreed.

Neville burst in, and cried, "I-I think I'm dying! I peed blood, and there was blood in my stool and mucus!" Then he ran to the hospital wing.

Harry shot a nasty glance at the carpet. "Lucky," he muttered. Now, the carpet, may I add, had a lovely gold floral pattern and was coloured a deep burgundy. It was decorated with lions and roses, but the once glorious effect it had was ruined by the Gryffindor 6th year boy's clothing.

Suddenly, the author burst into the room with an…um…15 year old girl.

"Hey, kiddies!" The author smiled/yelled/announced. "My new, random character here has something to say! And, 'cause you readers are all gooses, she's going to be from Ravenclaw, because she's an emo-kid!" Then, she jumped through the glass and ran across the field cackling and running from other authors, since she was obviously making fun of those who did seriously put their OC's into fan fiction. And for those who didn't see that, well, this has nothing to do with that. She's, um…just adding some…um…COMIC RELIEF.

Anyhows, the new girl just looked at the boys, then said sweetly, "Well, the author told me I had something to tell you, and I do have something to say. Well…" She scanned the Gryffindor boys. "GET UP, BITCHES!" she screamed. Then she looked at Harry. "My name's Chocola." Following that statement, she ran down the stairs and back to her own dormitory.

"Umm…That was weird," Ron looked at the others as he stated the obvious. Seamus stared venomously at Ron.

"Of COURSE it was," he shot, "This is a parody." He then rolled his eyes, both of which promptly dropped from his skull because of his vigorous eye rolling. He screamed, the jumped through the window where the author had gone.

Suddenly, there was a scream. But, it came from Harry so no one cared.

"Why, though?" he cried at the author, "I'm the lead character! I MATTER!" Harry at that point ran from the room crying and cutting his wrists. He then returned and changed into a long-sleeved shirt.

Harry was wandering the corridors aimlessly. He looked left and saw nothing, then he looked right and saw Dumbledore and Snape having a shoot off. But that didn't matter, since Dumbledore was actually a dream and didn't exist- no, sorry, that's Tidus. Scratch that, rewind that… okay.

He looked right and saw Dumbledore and Snape having a race in 4x4 you: slaps author cars. Harry ran in the way in hopes to be hit, but Hedwig and Pigwidgeon intervened and carried Harry to safety, while Harry sobbed the entire way "Please, just let me die!"

Then he heard a sound. Quiet, at first, but then it grew louder, but Harry didn't see what it was as he was running down the corridor in a frenzied crying spree, though he later found out it was actually Professor Sprout lassoing mandrakes.

Now, at this point in time, Harry had come across Chocola sitting all alone by a random fountain that had popped out of a fissure in the ground which was in Spain and had somehow magically appeared at Hogwarts which - gasp - was in England somewhere but nobody really knew where it was except those who knew where it was since they built it but those people are long dead meaning only the train knows exactly where it is.

"Hooray for run-on sentences!" Chocola cheered. Ignoring this odd comment, Harry stared at her and felt more affection than he had towards Malfoy. Some would ask why he suddenly did, and I would answer that it would be because he is crazy and that she is an OC, meaning he would HAVE to fall in love with her or she would have no purpose in this parody. Then some would ask why that is so, and I would answer that it is because I am also parodying those who write romance/drama fan fiction that includes their OC's that fall in love with the copywrited characters. Then some would ask why, if I was parodying those, why I wouldn't make the character Japanese, and the author would answer that she didn't feel like it. Then some would ask why I refer to myself in first and third person in this parody, but then I would realize nobody had noticed this flaw in my writing until I had pointed it out. Then some would ask why I care, and I would answer that it is because I am truly insane. Then some would ask why, and I would tell them to shut their cake holes and read the story.

As soon as the barrage of questions and answers was completed, Chocola looked up into Harry's sparkling, emerald irises and said, "Hello, Harry." Harry was taken by surprise at the statement. Why would she say hello to him? He flushed, then said, "'lo, Chocola." Chocola smiled.

"You do realize I want to kill you, correct?"

Harry couldn't take it any more. Just a single moment longer, and his chest cavity would implode.

"That is why I love you, Chocola!" he cried.

Suddenly, Squall Leonhart appeared only to smack the author over the head with the same magazine as before, then told her to stop with the special feelings. However, he was cut-off when the author started to chase him about the room and pounced on him, after which she fed him grapes and stroked his hair while he purred happily in her lap, following that a rather frazzled and upset Rinoa dragged him away after punching his lights out and almost Firaga-ing the author.

Anyhows, Chocola stood up and cried, "I love you too, Harry! I shall show my love to you by violently murdering you, but now is not that time." And with that, she mysteriously left. Scaaaaaary. I found the italic button… oooooooo! OoOoOOoooOoOooO OooooOOoooo! So HORRIBIBBLE!

Harry fell to his knees and cried. Again, his death had been thwarted! Instead of killing himself there, he crouched in the corner and began to cut himself again.