A/N: Just a silly little (cute) oneshot that came to me while working on my other stories. Obviously, a few parts in this are slightly exaggerated… Hope you all enjoy. It's written with the song in mind in a way :)
I had been to the worst war zones in the world, been to third-world countries most couldn't even find on a map and been to places even the UN peacekeepers didn't want to enter and yet, nothing seemed to have prepared me for my current mission. A mission I was going on voluntarily. I also always assumed I was somewhat of an expert on women, seeing how I had four older sisters, at least 8 female cousins, one teenager daughter and one ex-wife who I had managed to knock up at one point. Turns out I knew shit!
Looking up and down the aisle I was standing in currently, I gave up, feeling overwhelmed.
"What if I just take… any?" I offered into the phone and was met with six very angry replies.
"NO!" was the most common one, which would make most of my CO's during the army envious.
"Explain to me again why you do this?" my oldest sister Clara asked into the camera. "Don't get me wrong, I find it cute and really sweet, but also a very slippery road."
"And slightly suicidal," my other sister Camila added. I wouldn't quite go that far and also had my issues with being called cute or sweet. I was a mercenary for Christ's sake!
"Stephanie is laid up with a broken leg and strict orders to not move for a while. I know her time of the month is about to hit, so I figured I go and do the necessary … um…feminine shopping tour for her," I explained for the hundredths time why I was currently standing in a Target in an aisle which most men usually probably avoided like it was the plague personified.
"You are so cute for calling it feminine shopping tour. And so is the illusion of just grabbing any brand," Camila added and to me it seemed like she couldn't quiet believe how stupid I am. Okay then, this seemed to be more than just 'grab and go'.
"I'm married to Steve for four years now and he has seen all – the good, the bad and the ugly. But I would never trust him with that kind of shopping. So, kudos to you for being brave enough," my sister Carolina offered as her opinion. Had I decided on something that was way over my head? The longer I was trapped in this conference video call with my four sisters and two cousins who happened to visit one of my sisters, I felt like I might have made a mistake and tried to venture into areas no man had ever gone to.
"Back to my current selection options…" I tried steering the conversation back to my task and was all of a sudden bombarded with sex different options.
"Can I ask if any of that really matters?" I asked into my phone when it became clear no one was agreeing with anyone. So much for advice. I picked up a pack that read 'extra absorbency' and was branded in a neon-green packaging.
"Of course, it matters," six voiced replied and I was somehow relieved they at least found agreement again.
"Why? Who cares if the packaging is green, yellow or blue? They all do the same job, don't they?"
When I was met with silence, I knew my question and statement probably weren't needed.
"Tell me Carlos, when was your last menstruation?"
A look to my left and I saw another guy who had probably aimlessly wandered into the aisle had had gotten wind of some part of the conference call. He just looked at me, shacking his head quickly with a shocked expression, almost as if saying 'abord' without using words.
"I'm a guy," I said, treading carefully.
"Exactly," Constanza said. "So, stop giving advice on something you have no clue about!"
"Maybe you should have just asked Tia Ella to do the shopping. I really don't get why you think you have to do that…," Carolina said, shaking her head.
"Because… I do want to show Stephanie that this isn't a big deal for me and that I'm modern and have no issues going to the stores to get her what she needs. Whatever that is."
I could see my cousins in the background, behind my sister Camila look like they were about to swoon and even Clara seemed a little affected. I guess there was an advantage growing up with four older sisters and being accustomed to these issues.
"Because that is going so well for you right now. In the middle of a Target. On a conference call with your sisters, debating tampon purchases."
"How the hell was I supposed to know there are a hundred possibilities from just as many brands? This is not something I venture normally into…"
"So why start now?" Carolina asked and I saw my cousins snicker behind her.
"It's like buying condoms," Constanza all of a sudden said. "You don't just buy whatever is on the shelf closest to you, you buy the brand you like and trust. Same thing goes with tampons."
I closed my eyes for a second, not wanting to hear my sister talk about condoms. I was maybe modern, but not that modern. I didn't need to know these things about my sisters. Or cousins for that matter.
"So, leaving the tampon-gate out for now… anything else I should get?" I asked, hoping to steer the conversation into safer waters once more. And apparently it was the perfect question.
"Chocolate. Loads and loads of chocolate."
"Anything that gives of heat. Patches. Cushions. Heating bottles."
"Pain killers. The stronger the better. And also loads."
"You might also want to try herbal teas, while you are at it."
"Don't forget ice cream."
"Anything else?" I asked, walking down the aisle and putting random items that had just been named into my basket.
"Flowers. But only when she actually starts. That way she has something pretty to look at and also feel loved and cared for when you bring her flowers," my cousin Carlota offered. Apparently that good her a lot off oh-ing und ah-ing from my sisters. I made a note in my mind to get that done in a few days then.
"Though, in all fairness, when she wants something pretty to look at, she has Carlos to look at all day long. At least, according to her own words."
More awing from my sisters who resembled a flock of chicken most days. Up to this day I'm almost certain they still didn't quite believe I had settled down into a relationship, seeing how I had been a bachelor for most of my life.
"I see conversation between all of you and Stephanie is still going strong," I remarked, secretly very happy that my family had been so welcoming to my girlfriend.
"Well, someone has to tell us stuff since you usually only text or call once a month."
"And yet, here you were, wondering why I'm on this shopping tour, clearly not aware of her latest predicament." I knew why Steph hadn't told them and it had nothing to do with keeping a secret. She just didn't want to relive the details of a capture gone more than just slightly wrong. Even if my sisters were most likely not too keen on calling her out on the chaos that seemed to happen around her.
While probably a lot of people would have taken my stab personal or would have taken offence and be on the phone to Steph, calling her out on God knows what, my sister took my stab with good humour and just shrugged and laughed.
"She probably had her reasons," Camila said.
"And I hope you take really good care of her," Clara added and I saw quite some heavy nodding.
"I'll let mom know and Stephanie can probably expect either a visit with plenty of food in the next few days or simply plenty of food without a visit. You know our mother, only happy when she can dot on someone. And Stephanie is in no position to run. So, rather her than any of us," Costanza laughed and I sort of had to agree.
"So, you willingly throw her under the bus?" I asked, playing stern.
"Hey, she had it coming. She rated me out to mom when I was down with that goddamn flu last month and didn't tell her and just mentioned it to Steph for still unknown reasons. I only repay the favour."
I only shock my head, taking my by now rather heavy basket and moving towards checkout.
"Aren't you forgetting something?" Coleta, my other cousin, asked and I looked confused at my display.
"The reason you started this whole ordeal? The tampons?"
"Right," I said, turning towards that dreaded aisle once more.
"Not that you are any closer to what to actually buy. Maybe grab something and hope for the best. But I judge Steph as someone who will see the gesture and maybe not care so much for you to get it right."
"You should grab the Tampax brand. The green ones," Clara all of a sudden announced.
"Why? Is that your favourite?" I asked and wondered what had changed in regards to the 'everyone has a preference'.
"No, it's your woman's go-to. While you all were busy bickering, I simply asked her, pretending I was looking for recommendations since my brand had switched something and wasn't working for me anymore."
Instead of calling my sisters that should have actually been my preferred choice, but… well, I somehow figured my sisters were the better idea. And that things couldn't be that hard and complicated.
I threw several boxes into my basked, made my way once more towards the checkout and grabbed three bottles of her red wine on the way. That was at least something I knew she was loving. No questions asked. And by the way this had gone today, I would probably drink an entire bottle just by myself, before even thinking of sharing the wine. With that thought in mind, a fourth bottle landed in my basket.