Chapter 4

John unfolded and then refolded the latest letter from Anna. His lips fell into a thin line. Her letters were now robotic, full of questions in hopes to release him. The letters before the loss of their child were beautiful, romantic, and full of love. None of that existed now. And any questions he asked her in his own letters were avoided. She never answered any of them and never gave him any insight to how she was dealing with this great loss.

In just a few minutes, Anna would be arriving for her next visit. It felt like a lifetime since he had seen her last, though it had only been two weeks. He was sure it was because there seemed to be this new space between them with the loss of their son.

John tucked the letter into his chest pocket right as the door opened for Anna to enter. She wore her same brown hat and blue coat. Her eyes looked right through him and her cheeks were pale, sunken in like before.

"Anna," he offered her a gentle smile. "How was London? Mrs. Hughes went with you?" Anna gave him a nod, before taking her seat.

"It went well," Anna told John. He watched her fumble with something in her hands and then slide it over toward him.

"What's this?" He asked, curious.

"Vera's journal entries."

"Where did you find it?" He looked through the pages given to him by Anna.

"Behind the bureau," Anna answered. A smile grew on her lips, but it didn't quite meet her eyes. "We moved it out to clean and there it was. Vera must have dropped it or something." Her shoulders shrugged.

"Moved the bureau? Anna, are you sure you should be doing such things?" He worried for her, both her emotional and physical state. He hadn't been sure about her going on this trip to London so soon after their son's death. He wanted her to wait; he wasn't going anywhere. But she had been insistent.

"Dr. Clarkson said I'm in perfect health," Anna quipped. Her jaw tightened. Even though he knew he shouldn't, he reached his hand out to her. His hand slipped on top of hers. Not missing the look from the guard, John slightly pulled back.

"Please," John pleaded. "Please mourn with me, Anna. My heart is broken."

He noted the way Anna's lower lip slightly quivered and her eyes darted down to her hands.

"I know," she whispered. "But right now…." Her words faded and she started to wring her hands in front of her. "But right now, our focus has to be on this John. I need to bring you home."

"Alright," John answered, though it wasn't what he wanted to say. Yet, he knew there was little he could do to force Anna to talk to him about her pain right now. He was in prison and their time to talk was severely limited. "So what do you want me to do?"

"Make notes on all the names," Anna explained. She went on to tell him what she meant and how she wanted him to note all the names within these pages. As she spoke about it, there was determination back on her features. "Once you've done that, I'll make copies of those and send them with the book to Mr. Murray."

"Haven't you anything better to do?" Anna's head shook.

"I have not. Because I would rather work to get you free than dine with the king at Buckingham Palace." This time the smile on Anna's lips was genuine and he could see the love she had for him there.

"I will do as you have asked of me," John promised, folding over the papers. "But you must promise to take time for yourself."

A shaky breath left Anna's lips. "I promise." But John didn't believe that she would.

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

Mary glanced up at Anna in the mirror, as Anna ran the brush through her hair. It was bedtime and Mary was ready to lie down. The excitement of everything could be a bit overwhelming. She wanted to speak to Anna about it, but Anna was always closed lipped around her.

"Thank you, Anna," Mary said. Anna placed the brush on the vanity and gave a small nod.

"Is there anything else you need, m'lady?"

"No."

Anna turned and exited the room, making her frown. She knew Anna was mourning and wished she knew what she could do to help her through it.

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

When John finished with his visit from his next visit with Anna, he was surprised when he was told to remain in the room and that there would be more visitors. That generally was not how this worked. He was given one visitor within his allowed time.

He waited patiently and pondered over what he and Anna had spoken about. Again, she had refused to speak about the baby. Any mention she avoided, before explaining to John how she was sure someone had to know what Vera had been up to, or that she had at least given an indication to one of those people. He hoped she was right and that he could get out of here soon. Not only for him, but for her as well. He knew she needed him dearly right now and it hurt him that he couldn't be there for her.

He heard the creak signaling that someone was entering the space and was surprised to see that Lady Mary was the one entering. He immediately stood.

"Lady Mary," he greeted. "I didn't know you…"

"I had to pull some strings," Mary stated calmly. "I had a question I was hoping to ask you."

"Alright," John said, unsure. "Why don't we sit down?"

He waited until Mary sat, before sitting. It was strange to have her here visiting him. It was not something he had ever expected. But he knew Mary was fond of Anna and had even been there when his son was born.

"As you know, I am marrying Mr. Crawley," Mary stated.

"Yes, congratulations." His words were sincere.

"I have asked Anna to be my lady's maid once I am married," Mary went on to tell him. "I know you both are still mourning your loss, Bates. But I would like to take Anna along with me on our honeymoon. I thought it might do her some good to get away from it all for a little while. However, I did not want to take her away from you during this hard time. I wanted your opinion on the matter."

John hadn't expected this from Lady Mary. The family had been more than kind to him and Anna with all of their troubles. They were employed by the house and it was not usual for their permissions to be asked for such things. Those were there jobs. But he did appreciate this care for them. It was more than he could ever hope for and it let him know that Anna was being cared for while he couldn't be there to do it himself.

"I think it sounds like a wonderful idea," he answered her. "You are right. Anna needs to get away from here. Has she…" John paused, wondering if he should question Mary about how Anna was doing at the Abbey. He decided to press on, "Has she spoken about our son to you?"

Mary's head shook.

"No, she has not." Her brows furrowed slightly. "I am so very sorry for your loss, Bates. I know that it is just another horrible event the two of you have been put through."

John sighed, the tears building up in his eyes. While he had grieved the loss, he hadn't been able to grieve as he would like. He was never left alone, never allowed to just shed his tears. And he wanted Anna, he needed her.

"Thank you for being patient with us both, my lady."

"No need to thank me, Bates. Speak with Anna, convince her to come along with us. And I do hope you'll be home soon."

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

Anna furrowed her brows at John's request.

"I need to be here," she argued.

"Why?" John asked.

"To bring you home. How am I supposed to gather evidence and take it to Mr. Murray if I am in France with Lady Mary and Mr. Matthew?"

"You can write your letters there," John countered. "And I must again insist that you live your life outside of these walls, Anna. Don't you understand? While I'm in here, you have to live my life as well as your own. Go to France, see some sights, get us some memories."

"But I wouldn't be home for a month," Anna was frowning.

"And won't we have something to talk about? You can also write me, tell me all about what you see and do. Go, I insist. For my sake."

Anna twisted her lips.

"You want me gone?" There was hurt in Anna's voice. John gathered his hands together before him, aching to touch her.

"Of course, not. But I do want you to live, Anna. This is an amazing opportunity for you and I want to hear about it all."

"I will miss you," Anna then said in a near whisper, appearing to be holding back tears.

"And I will miss you."

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

As he had requested, he did receive many letters and even post cards from Anna while she was away. It was hard for him to return her efforts, because they were traveling about and he didn't know just how to contact her. The letters were kind and full of distinct details of every place Anna visited. With her words, she was able to make him picture the buildings and sights that she saw.

However, there was no warmth in her letters. Much like before, she avoided most emotions, outside of the "Love Always" that always ended each letter. He wondered if she would always remain pulled away from him or if she would finally confess her feelings to him. It felt like with each letter she was separating them more and more. He didn't know if it was out of self-preservation or because she believed she didn't deserve him anymore. He prayed it wasn't the second reason. He would just have to continue to show her how much she loved him.

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

A soft smile played on Mary's lips, as Matthew peppered kisses along her neck. It was a beautiful morning. The two of them had been enjoying their time in bed for the past couple of days. Today, however, was a day for sightseeing.

She turned to face Matthew and brushed her hand along his jawline. He smiled at her, making her heart burst with love and lust. Oh, how she loved him so.

"I love you," she murmured. He kissed her in response. Then she regretfully pulled away. She would need to go to Anna and let her know of their plans. She'd left Anna to her own devices and wondered if Anna would even be in her room this morning.

Mary had Matthew help her with the final buttons of her dress and she did the best she could with her hair, hoping for Anna to do the final touches, before she went to Anna's room. She knocked and it took a few moments for Anna to open the door.

As the door widened slightly, Mary was shocked to see the redness on Anna's cheeks. Her eyes were dry and her nose pink.

"Oh, Anna!" Mary gasped.

"Just allergies," Anna said with a shake of her head. "Is everything alright, m'lady?"

"I'm alright. Are you alright?"

"Yes." It was a clear lie. Mary's eyes darted into Anna's room. It gave a stale stench of a room that hadn't been left in days. It wasn't dirty, but Mary could tell that Anna had not been out on any adventures.

"Well," Mary paused. Then continued, "Will you come up to my room in a half hour to do my hair and help me choose what can go with my dress?"

"Of course, m'lady."

"And where will you be visiting today?"

"I'm not sure."

Mary pursed her lips.

"Do go somewhere today. It's beautiful here."

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

Bates,

I hope you do not mind me writing you, but I felt I must provide you with an update on Anna while she is away. She goes out for short spurts. Yet, she mainly remains in her room when she is not needed. I am not sure this trip has been as helpful as both you and I had hoped it might be. It is clear her pain runs deep.

Best, Lady Mary

John placed the letter from Mary beside the others from Anna. Now, as his eyes looked to Anna's he wondered how much of it was lies. Had she really traveled to all the places she spoke of, or was it just a ruse so he didn't worry about. And did he confront her about it when she returned next week?

He sighed. He needed to figure a way back to her.

To be continued...