Thank you all!

Chapter 8

"How…what, why…." John stuttered, as soon as his wife confessed to him that she blamed herself for the loss of their son. He inched closer towards her, placing his hands on top of hers. "No," he then whispered. "No, it was not your fault, my darling. It was no one's fault."

Anna didn't seem to hear him. She blinked a few times, her lower lip beginning to quiver. She didn't cry, though. She just sat there in silence for a few moments. He didn't speak. He wanted to allow her the space to say what she needed to say. He would be as patient as she needed of him.

"I…" Came out of her lips with a shuddering breath, "I was angry at you because you weren't there…and I had…I had to do it alone, but I knew you couldn't control that and I knew it wasn't fair," she quietly said. Her eyes were not on him.

"Anna," he murmured, rubbing his thumb over her knuckles. "It's alright that it wasn't fair. Pain is never fair."

"But then," she still ignored his words, taking in a slow, pained breath, "I realized it was my fault. You asked me not to go to the trial and I ignored you. I….then…" She paused, blinking harshly.

"It just happened," John said. He lifted himself from the seat and moved so he could be beside her on the settee. "My darling, losing him was not your fault."

John's hand slipped beneath Anna's and he tightened his hold of hers. Her breaths were still deep and full of pain and her eyes would not look at him. He could tell that the pain was stifling her. His free hand rested on her back and began to rub supportive circles.

"You've held onto this pain for far too long, my darling, let it out. I'm here now. Let us grieve together," he whispered. Anna's face contorted slightly and then her head shook.

"I….I don't know how we move forward."

"We do it together," he said. "You and me, we hold this heartache as one. You have to let me shoulder some of the burden, Anna. You have to know that it wasn't your fault."

Finally, she turned to face him. Her lower lip twitched, before she fell into his arms. He let out a relieved sigh as she began to cry against his chest. He brought his arm around her, bringing his hand up to hold her neck. His lips kissed the top of her head.

"We'll carry it together," he said again. "I'm here now, my darling. I'm here."

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

Anna didn't know what time it was, but she could tell that the sun had set. The only light in their small cottage was from the light John had lit before she had spoken to him and finally let the pain leave her lips. He still held her now, never wavering in his support of her. She held onto him tightly, her fingers clutching into his top for support. She wasn't sure when she would be able to move. This comfort was what she had needed.

"Christopher," she whispered against his damp shirt. John's hands loosened slightly.

"What was that?" He asked, as though he wasn't sure she heard her correctly. Anna sniffled, before glancing up at John and meeting his eyes. He brought his hand up to her cheek and rubbed the cheek bone with his thumb.

"I…I named him Christopher," she admitted out loud. It was the first time she had said his name to anyone. She hadn't even said it out loud to herself.

"Christopher," John tried the name on his tongue. "Christopher Bates."

"I know I should have named him with you. It's only…."

"Shh," John soothed, his hands cupping her face. "I love it."

"I just…" More tears began to fell. It seemed that now she had allowed them to start that she wouldn't be able to stop them. Her body was so tired.

"Why don't we go upstairs?" John suggested. Anna nodded. John helped her up and then walked over to blow out the light. He took her hand then, and they made their way upstairs.

When they walked into the bedroom, Anna dropped John's hand. She went to her dresser drawers and opened the top one. Lifting most of the clothes, she finally found what she was searching for. It was a small, white gown that she had bought from the store. It was the one item of clothing that she had allowed herself to indulge in that had been over budget.

"Here," she carefully handed it to John. "I had bought him this. It's…it's the only item of clothing I kept."

John held it carefully, as though just his touch could tear it.

"It's beautiful," he told her with a solemn smile.

"He was beautiful," Anna then said. John glanced up, his mouth slightly agape. "I…I was able to hold him," she whispered. "He had dark hair, like yours." She took in a deep breath. "His eyes were closed, like he was sleeping. He was small, tiny. His fingers were long and so were his toes. I think…I think he would have been tall, had he been given a chance to grow." A harsh breath escaped her lips. "And he…he had the smallest nose and mouth."

"I'm glad you got to hold him," John said, moving closer toward him.

"I am sad you never got to," Anna moaned. John drew her close, the small gown between them.

"Me too."

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

John woke up the next morning to Anna curled up against him. She was sleeping soundly, with her hand on his chest. He lifted her hand up, kissing her finger tips. Then he carefully rolled her off him, trying not to wake her.

As he sat himself up, he searched for his top. If he did this right, he could get to the Abbey and tell Mrs. Hughes that they would be staying home today before Anna woke up. Now that Anna was finally allowing herself to mourn, they could use today to spend that time together.

He walked to the privy and looked at himself in the mirror. His hand touched the stubble on his chin. He would need to shave before heading inside the Abbey.

"Hey," Anna said in the doorway. He turned, smiling.

"I was trying to let you sleep," he told her.

"Once you were out of the bed, I woke up," she answered. Her lips were curled up into a soft smile. There was a lightness about her now that had been gone for so long. The pain was still there, but his wife was coming back to him. That made him glad

"I thought I'd go to the Abbey and tell Mrs. Hughes that you needed today off. Then, if you were up to it, we could visit Christopher's grave."

Anna tightened her lips slightly, before nodding.

"Yes, I think that could be nice," she agreed.

"Me too."

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

Before they entered the cemetery, Anna had to go by the gardens to fetch a flower. She always took one whenever she visited their son. She wanted to leave him something to let him know that she had been there to visit him.

When John saw the flower in her hand, he gave her a knowing smile.

"What?" She asked.

"I saw the flowers by his grave. I thought they were from you."

Anna just smiled and rested her head against his arm. They stood right outside of the cemetery. This would be their first visit together and the weight of that was obvious between them.

"Come on," John whispered, taking Anna's hand within his own. He led her toward the grave site. The two of them stood there for a moment, before Anna bent down and placed her hand over the stone. John then joined her, placing one hand on the stone and the other on Anna's back.

"He was so small," Anna murmured. John's heart ached. "I couldn't protect him."

"It wasn't your fault," he told her once more. "You did not make this happen. Sometimes, terrible things just happen and there is no reason why."

He watched Anna chew on her bottom lip and she leaned forward more. Her hand remained pressed harshly against the stone and she closed her eyes. He closed his own.

When they both stood, John took Anna into his arms.

"I love you," he murmured into her hair. "Thank you for telling me about him and coming here with me."

Anna nodded against him. "I love you, too."

To be continued...