A/N: Hi everyone! Yeah, I'm still alive! I'm soooooooooooooooooo sorry it took me so long to finish this chappi. AGAIN! Please forgive me! I wanted to make this my christmas gift for you, but I failed. cry I wish all of you a happy new year! May all your dreams come true! hug Thanks to all of you who review and tell me my faults! I really need criticism! (Although it makes me sad that I make so many mistakes! sigh)

But now on with the story! Enjoy

Past and Present

Remus wrapped his coat tighter around his body. It had turned cold. He was standind in the darkness in front of Hope's house. Remus took a deep breath. He had to calm his heart.

He would talk to Hope now. They would have a conversation which would change both their lives. In a good or bad way. Today he would finally get to know whatconnected him to Hope. Why she was so familiar. Why he had these visions when they were close. Andhe would tell her what he was. Remus swallowed hard at this thought. How would she react? He never had had Muggle-friends. He didn't know how Muggles react when they were told that the world they were living in wasn't what they thought. Would Hope be happy? Would she be mad? Would she be afraid of him? That would be the most terrible thing for him. If she would shrink away from him when he tried to touch her.When shejust saw the wolf in him andnot the man. Remus moaned. HOW should he tell her that he turned into a beast once in a month? He wanted to go home...Home...Whereshall that be? Remus asked himself bitterly.

But he pulled himself together. He wanted to be with Hope. And the only possible way was that she knew about his illness. He couldn't start a relationship with a lie.

Remus breathed deeply again and walked up to the front door. He rang.

"Come in", he heard someone scream from inside.

Remus opened the door and stepped in. While he was stripping off his coat and hanging it he looked around for Hope. Suddenly he heard her voice from upstairs:

"I'm coming. I just have to dry my hair. You're too early!"

"I'm sorry!" he shouted back.

"It's okay. Make yourself comfortable. If you want anything to drink or to eat, just help yourself. I'm hurrying!"

"Okay. Thank you."

Remushearda weird sound. That had to be the hing to dry the hair. He went into the kitchen and made some tea. While he was taking the mugs out of the cupboard he thought about how muchhe already felt at homehere. How much he liked it to be here. With her.

The whistle of the teapot startled him. He poured the hot water into the mugs with the tea bags and carried them into the living room. Just as he had sat down he heard loud barking coming from outside. As he looked up he saw the pack standing in front of the door.

Remus smiled. He stood up, went to the door and stepped outside. His animal friends greeted him enthusiastically and wagged their tails as Remus patted them.

"Why can't Hope be this excited about the wolf inside of me?"

"Remus?", he heard Hope's voice.

Freki barked and ran into the woods. The others followed him. Remus went back inside and shut the door. As he turned around, Hope entered the living room. Remus held his breath.

Hope wore black trousers which brought out her beautiful figure and a big turquoise pullover which had slipped down one side so that her shoulder was visible.The long blonde hair fell over her back.

"Hello Remus", Hope said softly.

"Hello Hope", he smiled back.

They approached each other slowly and Hope huddled against his body. Remus put his arms around her automatically and pulled her even closer. There it was again. This feeling, that he had smelled the scent of her hair before. That he had held her a thousand timeslike this. That it was right to hold her.

"You're cold", Hope said softly.

"I was outside to greet your family."

Hope chuckled. Remus let his hand wander through her silky hair.

"It's good to see you well again."

"Thanks for your call. That was so sweet of you."

This had been an adventure! Remus had had to go to Gringrotts to get some Muggle money. Then he had hadto find a phone box and her number. Hopehad beensurprised as she hadrecognised his voice:

"Oh! Hi Remus! What a nice surprise!"

"How are you?"

"I feel much better, thank you. Kate is caring for me. She stuffs every healthy fruit in me she can find. But she is overacting and treats me like a little child.She is just like a clucking hen!"

Suddenly Remus heard a dull sound. Then a laugh and a voicefrom far away. A rustling.

"Remus?"

"What happened?"

"Ah, Kate just felt the need to throw a pillow straight into my face. I dropped the earpiece, because I'm still extremely weak, you know. But Kate doesn't care."

Remus could hear Kate beef and chuckled. He loved Hope's humor.

"Poor Kate!" he said.

"PARDON ME? I am the victim! Which side are you on?"

Remus could hear Kate laugh triumphantically.

"Kate just wants to help, Hope."

"I know...How are you by the way?"

"I'm fine."

"Great. How is Sirius?"

"He isn't in a good mood. Very cranky lately," Remus answered honestly.

"Well, who isn't sometimes...I bet you aren't. You're always calm and settled."

You have NO idea!

"Since I met you, I'm not calm anymore!"

It was meant to be funny, but it failed. Hope's voice sounded serious, as she answered:

"I know...I'm sorry."

Remus didn't know what to say.

"I owe you some answers. I'm aware of that. I will answer them as good as possible."

"When?"

"Whenever you want."

"Next week? Thursday?"

"Okay. How about 8 pm?"

"Okay...Hope?"

"Yes?"

"I'm glad that I met you. I didn't mean what I said."

"Really?"

Remus smiled and answered softly: "Really."

"I'm glad to have found you again...after such a long time."

Before Remus understood himself he said: "Much too long."

"Shall we sit down?", Hope asked into Remus' pullover.

"Okay."

"You made tea", Hope stated as she sat down, "thank you!"

"You're welome."

Both sipped silently a their teas. After some more sips, Hope leaned back and closed her eyes. She breathed in deeply. Remus could feel her nervousness. And this made him even more nervous. To see her so...vulnerable and weak had a weird affect on him: He wanted to protect her, to relieve her of this weight. At least once he wanted to be the stronger one.

Remus took her hand. She opened her eyes.

"Hope. I have to tell you something."

"I know."

"No. I mean something about me."

Hope raised her head and looked at him questioningly. "What do you mean?"

Remus looked at her hand. His heart beat so loud that he couldn't hear something else. He cleared his throat. Get a grip, Lupin! Where should he start?

"You...know...that I don't have a car...and no cd-player. And that my clothes looked weird the first day we met."

"I don't care that you're not rich."

Remus shook his head.

"That's not the problem...Well, it is, but that's not what it's about...I don't have things which are normal for you. Phone, car, cd-player, this thing to dry your hair."

"Thing?"

"I don't know its name...cause we just don't need this thing."

"We?"

Remus let go of Hopes hand and rantrough his hair. He took a deep breath and looked into her eyes.

"Wizards."

Hopes eyes widened. "Wizards?", she whispered.

Remus nodded.

"I'm a wizard, Hope. I grew up with magic. I went to the school of witchcraft and wizardy. There I learned everything about the spirit of magic and the history of wizardy. There I met Sirius. He's a wizard, too."

Remus waited for a reaction of Hope, but she just sat there.She had neitherfear nor anger in her eyes. Just surprise. So Remus went on with his story before he lost his bravery. He told her everything about the world of wizards and witches. How they lived next to Muggles - people without the ability to do magic - without getting discovered. How they travelled, how they communicated. At some point, a silent tear ran over her cheek. But Remus didn't dare to reach out and touch her hand. He was too afraid that she might wince back. He wouldn't survive this. So he went on. He told her about his friends, the Marauders, who he lost all in one night and why. And he told her everything about Harry Potter, the great son of his best friend James, and the unbearable burden he had to carry...

Hope still sat there like pertrified.She hadn't moved once since Remus started telling his story. Just more tears streamed down her cheeks, while her face showed no emotion at all. Remus wanted to stop. He couldn't stand seeing the woman he loved crying. But the worst part was still to tell.

"There is more."

Hope just looked at him questioningly. Remus swallowed hard. There was no turning back. He would lose her any moment...

"You wondered why your wolves are so friendly with me."

Hope nodded slowly.

"That's because...they recognised me...as one of them."

Hope knitted her brows sceptically. Remus inhaled deeply. He never had so much fear in his life.

"I...I am...I am a werwolf."

"What?" she exclaimed.

"I'm a werwolf. Once in a month, when the moon is full, I turn into a huge beast."

At first, Hope said nothing. She just looked at him. At his face, at his hair.

"Does it hurt?" she asked softly. She believed him.

"Yes", he answered.

"What does happen to you? Is your body the only thing that changes?"

Remus knew what she wanted to know. He shook his head.

"No. My conciousness is pressed into the background. I see what the wolf sees, but he is the one who acts. He dominates the body. I can't control it...unless I take the wolfsbane-potion. It lets me keep my mind."

"Did you get your scars from the wolf who bit you?"

Remus nodded.

"That's why you were so pale when you visited me?"

Remus nodded.

"That's why you hair has grey streaks?"

Remus nodded again.

"Because it is this painful?"she asked with her voice trembling.

Remus hesitated, but nodded.

Now Hope cried. She lunged at Remus and pressed him against her. He was completely taken by surprise. He'd never expected her to touch him unsolicited after she knew the truth about him. But obviously he was wrong. She had pulled him really close and clung to him, one hand in his hair.

"Please...please forgive me!"

Remus rubbed his hands up and down her back comfortingly.

"What shall I forgive you?"

"It's all my fault!"

"What?"

"The misery you had to bear. The pain which you have to bear at full moon, every month...It's a punishment."

"Punishment? For what?"

Hope relaxed her grip on him and sank against his breast. Her hand rested above his heart.

"For loving you more than her."

As she said this, something inside of him ringed, but he didn't get it.

"Her?"

Hope looked up again, her hand still on his heart. She seemed to be calm. Her voice was clear as she spoke.

"Ceridwen."

The name echoed inside of his body.

Ceridwen.

Hopes hand suddenly felt hot over his heart. His skin was more sensitiv. He looked into Hopes face. And for one split second, he could see a blue crescent shining on her forehead. And the black hair...Realisation struck him. His eyes widened in disbelief.

"You're a daughter of Avalon!" he whispered.

Hope nodded. "I was a priestress of themoon."

Avalon. The place where it all started. The magic. The great Goddess of the moon gave the gift of magic to her daughters andsons. They had the sight an the Great Mother told them what she wanted. It was a peaceful and a magic place...He saw pictures of it in his head. He had been there! He saw trees, cottages and...druids. He had been a druid! His heart bet faster. He saw pictures of his education. Herbs. Mushrooms. A harp...He hadn't been a good player. Nor a good singer...

"Do you remember our first meeting?", Hope asked gently.

Another picture flashed in his head. He was running through a forest. He felt fear...Someone hunted him. He fell. He felt the impact in his face. As he opened his eyes again, he saw three grimaces before him...robbers.But before they got him, someone stepped in front of him. He saw some light blue cloth. As he looked up, he saw black hair...the woman had spread her arms tutelary and shouted something at the robbers with a supernatural voice.They ran away. The next thing that he saw was a hand. As he took it, a jolt shot through his body. He looked up and saw into deep black eyes. Above of them shone the blue crescent...

"You saved me", Remus said, smiling.

Hope averted her eyes.

"From this day on, our lives have been connected. We became friends."

Remus felt a much stronger feeling than friendship in his heart. He put his hand over hers. Due to this, other pictures floated his mind. Pictures where he was with Hope: They laid together on a meadow and bathed in the sun. They walked through the forest and collected mushrooms. They sat in front of a cottage and Hope played the harp while Remus was at her feetlistening. They laid in a bed made of hay, eyes closed, she snuggled against him.

He said in a boat. Hope stood in front of him. All around them was mist. Then Hope raised her arms. As she lowered them, the mists parted. She whirled around and smiled at him proudly.

It was night. Big fires were built up everywhere. Her hair moved in the wind andflames danced in her eyes. They kissed. He felt her body. He touched her. Kissed her. Heard her moans.

"We have been lovers", he stated with reddened cheeks.

"Yes. But we weren't meant to be."

Remus didn't understand.

"Why?"

"The Goddess had other plans with me. I was meant for the Great Marriage. I should lay as the Goddess with the God..."

"...but you laidwith me", Remus said softly. Hope nodded.

Just as softly she answered: "I put my love to you above the love to the Goddess. I stepped in the way of her plans."

Remus remembered. It had been a scandal. The Highpriestress had been appaled. She had banned her.

"They banned you because of me."

"No. They banned me because I made a decision against the will of the Highpriestress."

"I'm so sorry. The Goddess had been your life." Remus didn't know why, but he knew it was true.

"Just until you came into my life," Hope smiled. She ran her hand over his cheek.

"I'm so glad the Goddess is still with you. You still have magic in your life."

"You don't?"

"No. I'm left with my memories..."

"Why can you remember and I can't?"

Hope shrug her shoulders and looked out of the window. "I don't know. Maybe it's part of the punishment. So that I'm aware of what I lost."

Remus squeezed her hand. "I'm sorry."

Hope looked back. "Please stop saying this. You still don't know everything."

Remus looked at her questioningly. Hope averted her eyes again.

"Try to remember what happened after I've been banned."

Remus shut his eyes. Hope's hand was still on his chest. Her touch made it so much easier to see the pictures. To listen.

Hope had left Avalon. The Little Peopleat the shore, the servants of the priests and priestresses, had taken care of her. They had built her a hut. Although they had known she'd been banned, they still had seen the Goddess in her. Remus had visited her. She'd been happy when he was there. But Remus could feel her sadness. One morning he had woken up, the sheet next to him cold and empty. He put on some clothes and went outside. She had stood at the shore and looked into the distance. But the Holy Isle had been covered in mists. Her home wouldn't show its face to her. Instead of joining her, he had gone back to bed. He had known she would have been ashamed.

Remus looked at Hope. Tears were shimmering in her eyes. Now Remus understood that she saw the pictures, too.

"Yes, I longed to go home. But in your arms I've been happy.Then it hadjustbeen us...and the Goddess."

"I thought she banned you."

"The Highpriestress did. But she was just a human. I could still feel the Goddess inside of me. And the Little People could it, too."

"You were one of the mightiest", Remus stated. It recured to him. She had been supposed to be the next Lady of Avalon. The sight had been very strong in her.

Hope looked into the darkness again.

"The Goddess was merciful. She accepted that she had to share the throne in my heart with you. But I didn't understand this back then. The moon on my forehead faded fast and I was too afraid to call her. After my banishment I just called her once."

Hope's voice failed. For one moment Remus wondered why, but then a terrible pain run through him. He winced. His skin burned...Fire encircled his body. Suddenly he was standing on a platform.

No.

On a stake.

He could see the robbers standing at a distance and hear their laughter. They did this to him. The Fire singed his clothes. His skin. The pain got unbearable. He screamed. He begged the Goddess for mercy. And the Goddess answered. How did the Merlin saiy once? Better be sure what to pray for, you might be heard.

Hope.

Her eyes were widened and she stood there petrified with horror. Remus felt fear. But not for himself, but for her. The flames reached his chin. Remus didn't scream. She would endager herself.

The laughter of the robbers woke Hope from her paralysis. She winced. Tears ran over her cheeks. Remus looked into her eyes and begged her: Don't! It's okay! Save yourself!

But she wasn't present anymore. The Goddess filled her body. The Crow. A piercing shriek came out of her mouth. She stepped out of the darkness and walked over to the stake. The robbers saw her and tried to stop her. But as soon they laid hands on her, they sank into the grass, dead. Her eyes were fixed upon Remus. He didn't feel the flames anymore.He just saw and felt the Goddess. The Mother now. She stood in front of him, reaching out for him. Her eyes were full of love and sadness.

"Please do not let her do this", Remus said, crying.

"She made her choice. She wants to take your place. She begged me for the Great Sacrifice."

The Goddess, who had Hope's face and not, spoke without moving her lips. She touched his shoulders and all his burns were healed. Remus begged: "But Avalon needs her!"

"She chose another path. She placed you above all others. About Me."

Remus could hear bitterness in her voice. The Goddess had put her arms around her shoulders and pressed her body against his. Remus couldn't describe what he felt. He felt the purity, the light, the love, the tenderness and the sadness of his Mother.

"Forgive her. Forgive us", he whispered.

But the Goddess didn't answer. She laid her head on his shoulder. And then she was gone and Hope was back. One heartbeat they held each other and Remus heard her whisper: "Even if I have to wander a thousand years in darkness, I will find you."

And then Remus was dashed away from the stake. He thudded on the ground. He was unconcious for one moment, but a bloodcurdling scream woke him.

Hope's scream.

The screamfrom his dreams...

Remus jumped up and went over to the window. So many feelings floated him: Mourning, anger, loneliness, love. All this mixed up to an insufferable combination. Every time he blinked, he could see Hope's burnt body in his arms. He felt the never ending loneliness which followed after her death. He had felt this loneliness for many lives.

"You gave me one life just to be separated from you for hundreds of lives."

Hope needed some time to answer. She stood up, too. But Remus didn't turn around.

"Everything happened so fast. I had to make a decision", she said defending herself.

"It was the wrong one." Remus could hear the bitterness and the pain in his voice. But he remembered everything now. He knew that the Great Sacrifice meant that the person who changed places with someone near death will be separated from this person in other lives.

"I know", he heard Hope behind his back. "I was scared...to lose you...to live without you and the Goddess...I couldn't stand it, Remus. You were the only one who gave my life sense. In that moment, when I saw you burning, I forgot everything. I saw myself, standing at the shore to Avalon, surrounded by mist...without you. I...I was cowardly...and selfish. I thought at least the Goddess would be in my next life...but she left me...and separated us...for so many lives...But I found you! I promised...Finally I have found you!"

Hope put her hand on Remus' shoulder. This and the desperation in her voice made him turn around. He looked at her. And the undying love he felt for this woman took him over. They'd been separated so long. But she found him...Like she had promised. Happiness spread inside of him like hehad neverfelt before. He closed the distance between them and pulled her into his arms. He pressed his lips fiercely on hers. Hope moaned and twined her arms around him. Their bodies were pressed against each other to feel it as intensive as possible. Hope opened her mouth. At once Remus' tongue was inside of it,caressing hers. The desire, which had been eliminated for such a long time, took over.

Remus dug his hands in her hair and pressed her mouth against his. They ripped of their clothes and Remus could feel her hands on his naked body. They didn't make it to Hope's bedroom. They just dumped down were they were standing and Remus covered her body with his. Every distance between them seemed to be painful. They needed each other.

A voice inside of Remus' head told him to slow down. But he couldn't. Nothing was more important at this moment than to reunite with the woman he had loved for so long. She should be his again.

And Hope felt the same. She pulled him closer, pressed her abdomen against his, nibbled his neck.

"Rems...Remus", Hope moaned hot in his ear, "please...I need you. I want to feel you."

As soon as she hadfinished the sentence, Remus was inside of her. The tight heat closed about him, greeted him. Both moaned. For one moment Remus didn't move. He enjoyed this feeling. To be so close to her, to possess her again. It felt amazing. But so familiar. So right!

After they had made love, they laid on the ground for a long time. No onesaid a word. Hope was stroking Remus' hair with one hand and his back with the other. Remus' head laid in her neck.

"Are you sleeping?" Hope finally asked gently.

Remus chuckled. "Nearly. It's so enjoyable what your doing."

"I know. The wolves love it when I do this...Obviously it's not different with werwolves."

Remus raised his head and smiled at her. Hope smiled back and laid her hand on his cheek. Remus ran through her hair. They looked at each other for a long time.

"I love you," Remus whispered finally.

"I love you", Hope answered.

Remus lowered his head and kissed her. But tenderly this time. Slowly and deeply.

"Will you stay with me tonight?" Hope asked after they finished.

Remus sighed. "I'd love to, but I can't. Sirius' is waiting for me. We have a meeting tomorrow."

"The Order of the Phoenix?"

Remus nodded. Hope sighed. "I'd love to see the magical world today."

"You will. It will be an honor for me to introduce you to Harry and the others...But it's just to dangerous at the moment...I don't want to lose you again."

Hope smiled and pulled him into another sweet kiss. Then she whispered: "You won't. Never again."

Disclaimer: I do not own the world of Avalon, for the Avalon I mean was created by the great and fabulous Marion Zimmer-Bradley! I hope you guys understood everything. Did you read "The mists of Avalon"? If not, DO! It's great! And I mean great! I'm a big Zimmer-Bradley-Fan so I just HAD to make Hope a priestress! For all of you who haven't read the book, please forgive me if you didn't understand! Please let me know what you think! kiss