For almost an hour the sound of her own breathing was all that had accompanied Sam in the kitchen. It was beginning to become an irritation.

Finally, the front door open and closed then a few moments later Sheelagh appeared. The silence was deafening until Sam tentatively broke it, looking up at her girlfriend. 'You went out.'

Sheelagh sat down. 'So did you.'

'I needed to clear my head.'

'Did it work?'

'In a way. Where have you been?'

'Nowhere special.'

'Right.' Sam glanced at her clenched hands then stood. 'Do you want a cuppa?'

Shelagh also got to her feet again. 'That'd be nice.'

Nodding, Sam started to move towards the kettle then turned back, reaching out to brush a strand of hair from Sheelagh's cheek. 'I shouldn't have left this morning without saying anything. Sorry.'

'I'm not your keeper.'

'No, but I don't want us to be like that. So far apart that it doesn't matter anymore.'

Something crossed Sheelagh's face. 'We're not are we?'

Ignoring the positive answer resounding in her head, Sam kissed her gently. 'I'll put the kettle on. You go sit down.'

It was easy to tell Sheelagh wasn't convinced as she left the kitchen. Then again, Sam told herself as she took two mugs from the cupboard, it wasn't that surprising since she hadn't actually answered. She hadn't been able to bring herself to.

When she entered the living room with two steaming mugs she was suddenly struck by how beautiful Sheelagh was, laid back on the sofa with her eyes closed against the slight sun slithering through the window. Of course, she'd noticed the beauty before, every morning they'd woken up together, but there was something more. It was the pregnancy she realised. It obviously agreed with her. And why wouldn't it?

Clearing her throat so Sheelagh's eyes snapped open Sam placed the mugs on the table then took a seat next to her partner on the sofa. 'You feel okay today then?'

'It's like it never happened really.'

'That's good. It means you're both okay.'

Sheelagh nodded slowly then sighed. 'I didn't want this, you know. Being here when you don't want me...'

'No, Sheelagh,' Sam interrupted her immediately. 'I want you here, believe me.' Seeing the Irish woman didn't believe her she reached out for her hand. 'I do. I'm just... Well, it's been a bad few days.'

'It doesn't feel like that's all it is,' Sheelagh answered bluntly. 'There's something going on here and I need to know what.'

Sam considered just sidestepping the subject, saying the right thing would be easy enough, but then she recalled all that Ramani had said. It had to be the truth. Standing, she went over to the window. 'What do you think about us, Sheelagh? Really?'

'How do you mean?'

'Do you see us together in ten years?' There was no answer from behind her. Resolutely, she pressed ahead. 'Ten months?' Still no reply. 'Ten days?'

'What do you want me to say?' Sheelagh finally asked.

Sam turned around, dismayed to see a tear running down her girlfriend's cheek. There was nothing she could do though. 'Just what you feel. So what's the problem? The baby?'

'Yes. You've given into me not the...' She paused to compose herself. 'Admit it, Sam. You'd rather there wasn't a child.'

'I hated the idea at first, you know that.'

'And you hate it now.'

'No! That isn't how it is at all.'

'Really? I don't believe you. I think that if I'd have miscarried yesterday you'd be much happier.'

Sam felt her own eyes well up with tears. 'That isn't true.'

'It is though.'

Unable to look at her, Sam turned back to stare out of the window. 'I imagined it all, you know. For that instant when I thought everything was going to be alright I went through the entire scenario. And it seemed perfect. Then I came back down to earth. It wouldn't be flawless.'

'Because of who the father was?'

'Not just that. It's because of... of who I am. I'm no good, I screw people up. Look at Abi! I never made much of a mother. What made me think I could start now?'

As her body began to shake Sheelagh approached her from behind, resting a hand on her shoulder. 'That's what you're scared of? Being a bad mother?'

Despite her best efforts she felt her tears start to fall. Sheelagh gently turned her and she found herself enveloped in a crushing hug. For a few minutes all there was in the world were two people then Sheelagh pulled back and sat them both on the sofa, Sam leaning heavily against her. 'You should've seen Abi's childhood. Frankenstein would've done a better job.'

Sheelagh put an arm around her shoulders. 'Tell me.'

Sniffing, she nodded consent. 'It might've been Glen. I mean, don't get me wrong, I didn't think she was like him or anything but... I couldn't look at her as a daughter, that meant she was too close. So I made her a friend. That's not what she needed.'

'Why couldn't you let her be close?' Sheelagh questioned, stroking her hair.

'I think it's... It's love. I can't handle it, never could. Abi was this beautiful little child I wanted to love but I was scared of breaking her, of her ending up feeling like I did.'

'Was it all because of Glen?'

'No. He helped it along I suppose but it's always been there. This disease I can't do anything about. I wanted to let myself go, be a proper mother but I couldn't. So I did the only thing I knew.'

'Evolved into DS Nixon?'

'Exactly. My way of telling myself I was doing right by Abi, bringing in money, clearing the streets. It was a lie.' Sam rested her head against Sheelagh before continuing. 'Do you know what you are? Beautiful, amazing, loving. You made me see things. You brought me and Abi closer without knowing it, by just being around. I started to... You've got no idea how much I wanted to stop loving you but I couldn't, however much I tried. So I went along with it.'

'I'm glad you did.'

'Are you? Look at the mess we're in.'

'Yes,' Sheelagh agreed. 'But it's down to you. We're both just scared, that's all. You think I don't feel it? I wake some mornings and something terrible happens. I think, for just a second, that it'll be like him. It terrifies the life out of me.'

Sam pulled away so she could look at her. 'There's no chance of that. This baby's like you, Sheelagh. I can feel it.'

'You sound more sure than I am.'

'No, you know it. Of course you do.'

'And you know you're not a bad mother,' Sheelagh countered gently. 'Abi's brilliant with Belinda, where do you think she got that from?'

'I let her watch too much telly when she was younger.'

'Don't be silly. Sam, you thought you were incapable of love? You were just incapable of accepting it in return. That's what eats at Abi, you won't let her in. It hurt me for a while when you clammed up. Remember way back before you kissed me that first time? Maybe I didn't know what was going on but I knew it was something.'

Closing her eyes briefly, Sam tried to regain her composure. 'I want to feel so much. You know, you and Abi and Belinda and...' Tentatively, she rested her hand on Sheelagh's stomach. 'Our baby. There's just something that won't let me.'

Sheelagh's hand rested on her own. 'You might not think it but you've already shown me more love than anyone I've been with. I can see it in your eyes every time you look at me. You don't know how it makes me feel.'

'I'm scared of loving you, hurting you. Both of you.'

'The two don't go hand in hand, I promise you.'

Slowly, a smile spread over Sheelagh's face. 'Ten years... Do you fancy a dog or a cat?'