Chapter 3

PH34R The Glomp

After many hours of WOW, Halo, Halo 2, School (horrible, horrible School) and lighting myself on fire with a flamethrower to test the effects of a homicidal fan fiction author running through town on fire, I realized that something exists called Sleep deprivation. I still don't know what it is I think it has something to do with homicidal penguins of doom attempting to rule the world…or it could have something to do with a lack of sleep. I don't know. Anyways this chapter is inspired by fan girls everywhere…including you Sekah. But you wouldn't know cuz you STILL have not red this fic...yah that was a random comment.

Clark Cradic: So you have wished, so it shall be. But next chapter. I don't have enough room in this chapter to make an encounter with Tex.

Bryan: Ok I think you're maybe the third…or fourth…maybe even fifth person to say something along those lines. Sadly though many things in my fics like the appearance of 500 marines, can't be imitated on Halo or Halo 2 multiplayer.

Firebendingguy: I actually tried to count how many times you said "HA." Although for some reason I keep getting distracted by the smallest…ooooohhhh LOOK A KEYBOARD!...wait what was I saying? Oh yah thx for reviewing I will be sure to keep up the humor.

Cpt.ShaneShofield: Yes I needed a way for red team to be involved with the fic and that was the best way I could think of.

The One True Koneko: "I'm writing. I'm writing."

Church arrived at blue base after retreating from the midnight assault that claimed the lives of three of Griff's toes. Yes that does mean the foot missing three toes was shot. The other foot was bleeding because Simmons dragged Griff over a knife.

Church: "Do you mind explaining why you retreated?"

Caboose: "I was just following my superiors orders."

Church: "But your only superior in this place is me. Whose orders were you following."

Donut: "Mine I guess."

Church: "Do you mind if I ask why you are here?"

Donut: "No."

Church: "……."

Donut: "………"

Church: "………."

Donut: "………."

Church: "Are you going to answer me or not?"

Donut: "I did."

Church: "No. I asked you why you were here and you didn't answer."

Donut: "No you asked me if I minded if you asked me and I answered."

Church: "………"

Donut: "………"

Church: "Oh for gods sake. Why are you here?"

Donut: "Well I was looking for the imaginary tank Sarge told me to attack but I couldn't find any imaginary tanks so I figured that there could be one at blue base. So I asked Caboose for a ride."

Church: "Ok better question. Caboose why did you give him a ride here?"

Caboose: "I was following my superiors orders."

Church: "He's not your superior he's your enemy. Even if he was on our side he's a private just like you!"

Caboose: "oh. Then who is my superior?"

Church: "Me and only me. You should only listen to me."

Caboose: "What about the voice in the back of my head? Should I listen to that?"

Church: "You mean your conscience?"

Caboose: "Um, does your conscience tell you to burn things?"

Church: "No."

Caboose: "Then no it is not my conscious."

Church: "I thought the voice went away when we got O'Malley out of your head."

Caboose: "This is a different voice. O'Malley told me to kill things but this voice tells me to burn things."

Church: "What kind of things does it tell you to burn?"

Caboose: "Houses, cars, grass, you in your sleep."

Church: "Yah don't listen to that voice. Wait…I just realized. Where's Karin?"

Andy: "It took you this long to figure out?"

Church: "Wait you knew she wasn't here and you didn't tell us?"

Andy: "Of course not. Why would I tell you? I wasn't in the fic for the first two chapters."

Church: "Don't blame me blame the author."

Andy: "Do you really think I'm stupid enough to anger the author?"

Donut: "Wait did you say Karin?...Hey that's the name of that chick with the quadruple stuffed Oreo."

Church: "What?"

Donut: "Yah she was Griff's girlfriend up to a point. And when they broke up she took his Oreo."

Church: "This could be useful. We need to get Karin back! She must be the only one who knows where it is!"

Donut: "In case you forgot, Red team is the team with the Oreo addicts."

Church: "Exactly there's no telling what you guys will give us in exchange for the quadroople stuffed Oreo."

Donut: "Quadruple."

Church: "What?"

Donut: "You said quadroople its spelt Quadruple."

Church: "I don't care either way we are going to get Karin back. Andy stay here and make sure nothing happens while we are gone."

While this...interesting conversation was going on, Karin and Griff were having a discussion of their own.

Griff: "YOU STOLE MY OREO!"

Karin: "Who cares about you?"

Griff: "Well…there's…no wait…um…well…."

Karin: "SEE! No one cares about you! You're an ignorant selfish jerk!"

Griff: "HEY! I am not ignorant…or wait, no I'm not selfish! No that's not it either. Can you repeat that?"

Karin: "There is no way I'm going to save your foot!"

Griff: "Well who said I wanted you to save it!"

Karin: "I'm one of the best doctors there is! If I can't save it no one can."

Sarge: "Is that true?"

Griff: "Sort of. She can solve the most complicated problems but… not the simple ones."

Sarge: "Hows that?"

Griff: "No one knows. She's a medical prodigy who can cure anything but…when confronted with a simple task, like putting a band aid on a small child, she has to do something like cutting the kids finger off and reattaching it with the band aid. You know something complicated."

Karin: "The important thing is I get the job done."

Griff: "Yah but I don't want you to rip off my foot to take care of a bleeding foot and a foot missing two toes."

Karin: "Well you shouldn't worry since I won't help you."

Griff: "I don't want your help! What I want is the Oreo."

Karin: "Still the same insensitive jerk as always."

Griff: "Shut up! Quit being a bitch and give me my Oreo."

Karin: "What did you call me?" Karin held up her handy dandy hammer.

Griff: "OH MY GOD YOU STILL CARRY THAT AROUND WITH YOU!"

Karin: "It's the only thing of value you ever got me. Which is rather pathetic. Who gives their girlfriend a hammer for valentines day?"

Griff: "Well you must still like me if you keep it around with you."

Karin: "I keep it around with me because it helps inflict pain on insensitive jerks."

Griff: "Was that a threat? What did the other doctors say about threatening patients?"

Karin: "They said it helps keep the patient quiet."

Griff: "Jeeze there are a lot of evil doctors out there."

Sarge: "This truly is a happy day. We found someone who hates Griff just as much as me. And we also have a real doctor now. No more need for that worthless old Doc."

Simmons: "I agree sir Doc really is worthless."

Its amazing how many coincidences can be in one fic. Doc had gotten Simmons message and charged to blood gulch despite the AI's threats of doom and destruction, getting there just in time to hear everyone call him useless

Sarge: "The good news is that if he ever shows up again we can kill him. And O'Malley now that he's not important any more."

Doc backed away from red base.

O'Malley: "See you fool! They don't care about you! We should destroy them. That always makes me feel better."

Doc: "A good relation ship will always have some pot holes along the way. The important thing is that I don't make a mountain over a mole hill."

O'Malley: "Why the hell do you have to be such a pacifist."

Doc: "I prefer the term, consciences objector."

O'Malley: "You are weak! Being forced to cope with your body is perhaps the most gruesome form of torture that anyone can be forced to live with! And I should know. I was in AP torturing in evil AI school."

Doc: "Really? I was in AP English. I was a great poet. Do you want to hear a poem?"

O'Malley: "NO!"

Doc: "Please."

O'Malley: "Never."

Doc: "I'll make it quick."

O'Malley: "Shut up you fool! We are going to go back to Lopez and initiate my master plan."

Doc: "Hey I wasn't informed about any master plan."

O'Malley: "Well I haven't thought of it yet. But I will. And when I do it will be pppppuuuuuurrrrreeee eeeeeeeevvvviiiiiilllllllllll!"

Doc: "You should really plan ahead until waiting until the last second to come up with a plan."

O'Malley: "Shut up you fool. Now we must get back to Lopez. He is hiding at the rock formation. Fortunately I don't think there are any obstacles between ourselves and him."

Sheila's main cannon fired at red base.

Sarge: "We're under attack! Everyone get behind Griff."

Griff: "Oh come on I'm wounded. Can't you give me a break just this once?"

Sarge: "If you like we can break your legs."

Griff: "Human shield is good."

Church: "Red team! We are prepared to have a hostage exchange."

Simmons: "Hostage exchange? What is he talking about?"

Donut: "HI GUYS!"

Simmons: "Oh right. I forgot about him."

Church: "We will give you back Donut if you give us back our Doctor!"

Griff: "Don't do it. I need to get that Oreo back."

Sarge: "Well if it tortures Griff, sure we will give you your hostage back."

Karin and Donut switched places, ignoring Griff's complaints.

Caboose went out of Sheila and greeted Karin.

Caboose: "Hello Karin. We are here to rescue you. Do not panic. We will find a way to get you out of there."

Karin: "You want to save me! YIPPIE! I KNEW YOU LOVED ME!"

A background with little hearts appeared behind them.

Caboose: "What is with all of the floating hearts?"

Karin: "Hearts means love! You must have meant that your love for me floats up to the heavens! I LOVE YOU TO!"

That's when it happened.

GLOMP!

Church: "You practically make up every word he says. Oh wait never mind you DO make up every word he says."

Church realized that there was no response. Karin had a death hold on Caboose.

Caboose: "I think my ribs…are…hurting…or is that my spine? Maybe it is my brain. I thought I had lost that."

Sarge: "Now's our chance! ATTACK!"

Simmons and Sarge jumped down from Red base and charged at Church.

Church: "Caboose help me out here…"

Caboose: "Church…I see a light."

Church: "Go towards the light Caboose. Go and NEVER come back to haunt me as a ghost."

Caboose: "I…can't."

Church: "Yes you can! Embrace death! Please for gods sake go to hell or heaven I don't care which as long as you aren't anywhere close to me."

Caboose: "No I mean I can't walk towards the light as long as she is hugging me like this."

Sarge: "CHARGE!"

Church: "Great the only way to get out alive is to get Karin off of you so we can fend of Red team and retreat."

Sarge and Simmons were still charging. Church tried to pry Church and Karin apart but to no avail.

Church: "It looks like this is the end."

The author then realized that if blue team was wiped out there would be no story.

The author used his powers over the fic and the key board to make himself appear next to Church.

Duo Jagan: "Give me your gun!"

Church: "You…you're the author."

Duo: "Yes. And I am an expert on glomps. My best friend is a Yaoi fan girl. Though she STILL has not read my fics. Anyways if anyone can stop Karin it is I. Now hand me your weapon."

Church handed his gun to the author who slowly aimed at Karin's head.

Duo: "Aim…steady…LOOK UP THERE IT'S A RANDOM BISHIE WITHOUT A SHIRT ON!"

Karin continued hugging Caboose.

Duo: "Alright time for the heavy artillery. LOOK IS THAT KURAMA IN PAIN AND WITHOUT HIS SHIRT!"

Karin continued to glomp Caboose, completely ignoring the author.

Duo: "Well she either doesn't watch anime, or she is the deadliest glomper the world has ever seen…no wait third deadliest…no fourth…no…actually tenth. But still very deadly all the same. In any rate there is nothing I can do."

Church: "You're the author! You can change the fic! Can't you."

Duo: "I would but I'm busy. There's someone in Penguin gods fic defying the script. I have a busy schedule."

Church: "Busy schedule? Dude you spend two hours once or twice a week typing your story, let penguin god read it, spend less than five seconds checking for spelling errors, read penguin god's fic, and then forget about your fic for the rest of the week!"

Duo: "HEY! There is no need to inform the readers of my methods. Anyways I hav to go."

Church: "See you said hav instead of have. If you spent even two minutes checking for errors that wouldn't happen."

Duo disappeared in a puff of smoke.

Church: "Wait…YOU STILL HAVE MY GUN!"

Sarge was still charging at Church.

Church: "Well unless another great entity wants to save me it looks like I'm toast."

A whole lot of penguins appeared out of no where.

Penguin god: "NEVER PH34R I AM….somewhere…I think I may be here."

Church: "YES! At least the beta reader can save me."

Penguin god: "Nope I'm writing my smash brothers fic. I have a busy schedule."

Church: "Then why are you here?"

Penguin god: "I'm on vacation."

Church: "You were just on vacation."

Penguin god: "It's penguin #65 day it's a day off."

Church: "How many numbers are there."

Penguin god: "365.25"

Church: ".25?"

Penguin god: "In case of a leap year."

Church: "Every day of the year is your vacation?"

Penguin god: "Needless to say I don't get any work done."

Penguin god disappeared in a flash of smoke and Penguins.

Church: "I don't suppose there are any OTHER higher beings that would care to help me?"

Silence

Church: "Clark Cradic, CptShaneSchofeild, The One True Koneko,Tom Cruise? ANYONE!"

Sarge: "HEY! Don't ask for the reviewers help. That's not fair."

Church: "Wait, we have Sheila! SHEILA ATTACK!"

Church realized that Sheila was no longer right next to him.

O'Malley: "HA HA NOW THAT I HAVE YOUR TANK NOTHING CAN STOP ME!"

O'Malley fired at the reds, scattering Sarge and Griff.

Church used this opportunity to carry Caboose and Karin back to blue base.

O'Malley: "Now we must fetch Lopez and initiate the master plan! Which I HAVE thought of now."

Church ran into the cover of blue base.

Tucker: "Hey Church how did the midnight assault go?"

Church: "That was last chapter. How long have you been out?"

Tucker: "Well maybe if a certain Doctor didn't keep hitting me with a hammer I would be in better condition."

Church: "Oh yah help me pry Karin off of Caboose."

Tucker: "Man why won't she glomp me like that?"

A certain hammer made contact with Tuckers face…again…wow this is the third time.

Church: "Is the author TRYING to find a way to keep Tucker out of his fics? First he dies in his first fic and now he has spent three chapters unconscious!"

Karin: "Oh my god how did this happen? Cabooses ribs have been crushed!"

Church: "um…that's kind of your fault."

Karin: "REGARDLESS! I must tend to his wounds."

Church: "What about Tucker?"

Karin: "Who cares about him! And now with Sheila gone there are no girls on bleu team to stop me from having Caboose."

Tex walked up to blue base.

Tex: "Well I may have lost Wyoming but maybe I can take some supplies from here. It's not like anything big or important happened while I was away."

Will Tucker remain conscious for a whole chapter one of these days? Will the author quit picking on him? Will Karin stop picking on him? Does anyone care? What will happen to Sheila? What will happen to Tex? What will happen to red team? What will happen to that chipmunk over there with no importance to the fic? Find out next time on Dragon ball Z! I mean…Red vs Blue.

Read and Review! I'm hoping to post chapter 4 at the end of the week or the weekend…which IS the end of the week. At any rate R&R…no that DOESN'T MEAN REST AND RELAXATION THAT MEANS READ AND REVIEW! GET WITH THE TIMES!