Chapter 4

Time to Make Fun of Soap Operas.

After watching the Winter Olympic Lames I decided that Sarge is right. We DO need more polar bears in sports events. So if you turn on the news and hear a report about some psychotic maniac letting a rabid polar bear into the Yankee Stadium…yah that's me. Fortunately their insurance covers rabid polar bear being released into stadium injuries. On a different note, OMFG I ONLY GOT 2 REVIEWS! This calls for a limited time offer.

You have a chance to win ONE MILLION DOLLARS! Warning Money could be fake, or there could be no money All you have to do is review! Duo Jagan can not be held responsible for any injuries caused by pressing the review button.

Cpt.ShaneSchofield: Yes it was damn funny. Yes I will keep it up. You just LOVE tormenting me with your nine word, monosymbolic (I can't spell that) reviews don't yah? Well that's a good thing. Torturing authors gives them inspiration. How do you think Edgar Allen Poe makes his works?

Clark Cradic: Hmmm…….. A pelican full of hunters. Mwuhahah HAHAH AHAHAH ha…..ha…..wow laughing evilly takes effort how does O'Malley do it? I personally would make it a drop ship full of higher arks. And have the higher arks talk them to death! The most feared form of torture. The covenant have the higher arks and we have pop music. We BOTH use methods of cruel torture. (no offense to any fans of pop music. I just couldn't resist saying that.)

Sheila arrived at the rock formation, which was rather pointless because it was a 10 second drive away from the battle at red base.

Sheila: "You said you would take me to Lopez if I let you pilot me. Where is he?"

O'Malley: "He's somewhere over here."

Sheila: "Ok…but if it looks like your trying to pull something I will use my unlimited supply of ejector seats to launch you into the canyon wall."

O'Malley: "Well it looks like it won't come to that. Here's Lopez."

Lopez: "que les hacer por ello?" (What are you doing in her?)

O'Malley: "She wanted to see you."

Sheila: "I wanted to thank you for the pleasant Christmas Card."

Lopez: "tu acepto." (your welcome)

O'Malley: "That's it?"

Sheila: "Well I'll be seeing you around. Bye."

Sheila drove off as if nothing had just happened.

O'Malley: "That's it? Lopez you FOOL! We could have used her in our plan!"

Lopez: "que desino?" (what plan?)

Doc: "Well O'Malley what did I tell you? You shouldn't make your plans depend on a particular factor. If I made my insurance plans depend on an AI NOT infesting my body I wouldn't have gotten that huge pay off."

O'Malley: "I admit it you made one good decision! And that pay off helped spruce up the evil lair."

Doc: "I still say we should have saved it. In case of a disaster. It's always nice to have some extra money somewhere in case something goes wrong."

O'Malley: "Shut up you fool."

Doc: "I for example have a secret stash where I put 5 of my profits."

O'Malley: "We share the same mind you fool! I know where the stash is. And while you were asleep I spent it on ammo for my rocker launcher."

Doc: "If we want to save our relation ship we need to stop doing things like this to each other."

O'Malley: "Oh shut up you fool! I will be sure to kill you as slowly as possible once I get my own body. Now listen to my plan."

About a ten second drive away at red base, Griff was spying on Karin cuz he is totally jealous of Caboose.

Griff: "I AM NOT JEALOUS!"

Suuuuuurrrreeeeee you aren't

Griff: "You're the narrator! Your not suppose to argue with me!"

Technically I'm the author and I can do whatever I please.

Griff: "Oh yah prove it!"

Sarge: "GRIFF! I have a sudden unexplainable urge to cause you bodily harm."

Griff: "I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry."

Sarge: "GRIFF! My unexplainable and unusual urge to cause you bodily harm has passed. Now my normal urge to cause you bodily harm is coming back."

Griff: "Oh come on."

Simmons: "This time Griff were actually trying to help you while we torture you. You see you have to learn to forget about the past. Were in the future now we can turn over a new leaf."

Griff: "What leaf? Do you think there are any leaves in this canyon!"

Simmons: "I was speaking metaphorically."

Griff: "Do you think there are any metaphoric leaves in this canyon?"

Simmons: "Look forget about Karin as well as everything else on Earth you once knew. Things have changed."

Griff: "There's a chance she still likes me. She could have been hugging Caboose to make me jealous!"

Simmons: "I'm sorry Griff. I was hoping It wouldn't come to this."

Sarge: "I was."

Simmons: "Look at blue base I learned many shocking things. I can't tell you all of them because this fic takes place between episode 73 and 74 and we don't learn about those things till like episode 75. I can tell you this though…are you a fan of Naruto?"

Griff was suddenly wearing a T-shirt with the word NARUTO printed boldly in orange letters.

Griff: "…maybe…"

Simmons: "Well…maybe you should look for yourself."

There was a flash of smoke and a certain blonde ninja came out of no where.

Naruto: "MY NAME IS NARUTO UZIMAKI! REMEMBER IT!"

Griff: "I don't see how this is bad."

Naruto: "Dude I'm the dubbed Naruto."

Griff: "It can't be that bad."

Naruto: "A twelve year old plays my voice. Believe it."

Griff: "Could be worse."

Naruto: "It's cut."

Griff: "What?"

Naruto: "Yah they took out the blood and everything BELIEVE IT! Oh and in the dub I keep saying BELIEVE IT for no apparent reason."

Griff: "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Sarge came in and shot the Dubbed Naruto

Naruto Fans: "HURRAY! NOW THAT THERE IS NO LONGER A DUBED NARUTO WE CAN LEGALY WATCH FAN SUBS!"

Griff: "Sarge why did you save me from that torture?"

Sarge: "That was as much torture to me as it was to you."

Griff: "You like Naruto?"

Sarge: "Of course everyone loves Naruto."

Naruto fans: "WE CONSUME 90 OF THE EARTHS POPULATION! WAHOO! THE OTHER 10 ARE DEPRIVED PEOPLE WHO NEVER WATCH ANIME AND NEVER READ MANGA!"

Simmons: "Where did all of those people come from? And why do they only talk…or rather why do they only yell in caps."

Sarge: "We can not explain the authors biding."

Griff: "Look some things may have changed but I am not going to give up on Karin. I will do anything to get her back."

Mysterious Voice: "Griff…I can give you that power. All you have to do is join the dark side."

Simmons: "Sorry but we already did a star wars parody."

Mysterious Voice: "Oh…ok…If you need me I will just be sitting alone in this corner…lonely…with no one else."

Simmons: "Have fun."

Mysterious voice: "With no one who cares about me."

Simmons: "Sounds good."

Mysterious voice: "Where everyone seems to hate me."

Simmons: "That's nice."

Mysterious voice: "Its dark and spooky ominous voice isn't him? You like him better don't you?"

Simmons: "Sure do."

The mysterious voice went away crying

Dark and spooky Ominous voice: "What did I miss?"

Simmons: "Oh nothing really."

Sarge: "Look Griff they beat us. Even if we did want to help we've lost the battle to the blues and O'Malley. We lost our chance of finishing them off and attacking now would just be making ourselves sore losers. We have to wait a day after defeat to make it seem fair."

Griff: "You lost because you and Simmons were charging at them at maybe .2 miles an hour."

Sarge: "Now lets not blame each other for no reason. We should only blame Griff for no reason."

Griff: "I'm tired of not being respected around here! I will win the respect of my girlfriend and then we shall see who gets the last laugh."

Sarge: "I'm pretty sure it would be O'Malley. He laughs a lot."

Griff: "I'm going. Donut are you with me?"

Donut: "I'm sorry. I have to stay here and fix that tear in the drapes."

Griff: "We don't have any drapes."

Donut: "You can be really pessimistic sometimes do you know that?"

At blue base, Karin came face to face with the only other female…

Sheila: "What?"

I mean…only other HUMAN female in blood gulch.

Karin: "Who are you?"

Tex: "I'm a free lancer. I'm working for this team. Who are you?"

Karin: "I'm a doctor. I'm healing this team."

Tex: "Why do they need to be healed."

Karin: "Tucker is suffering from several hard objects hitting his head at a high velocity and Caboose has three broken ribs due to a brutal attack."

Church: "All of these things are your fault."

Karin hit Church with her hammer.

Karin: "And Church is unconscious. I have my work cut out for me."

Church: "Actually I'm still conscious."

Karin: "Don't contradict the doctor." Karin hit Church again.

Church: "OW! That hurt."

Karin started banging her hammer against Church's helmet.

Church: "Ow, ow, ow, ow, OW!"

Tex: "Um…as much as I love seeing Church in pain. Causing him misery is MY job."

Karin: "Oh that's right. He's your boyfriend. You can have him. I have much higher standards." Karin gestured towards Caboose.

Tex: "You call that higher standards? Caboose is nice but he is perhaps the biggest idiot the world has ever seen. At least church has an IQ of five."

Karin: "Your just jealous because I can get a boyfriend who isn't a ghost half of the RvB episodes."

Tex: "How did you know about that?"

Karin: "…know about what? I don't watch RvB? How can I? I'm a character…IT'S ALL A CONSPIRACY!"

Tex: "Riiiigggghhhhttt."

Karin: "Besides, Caboose wouldn't want to go out with you anyways."

Tex: "What is that suppose to mean?"

Tucker awoke from his unconscious state, automatically screaming CATFIGHT!

Church: "You know in a twisted way, girls are fighting over me. I'm living Tuckers dream."

A hammer to the head silenced Church's babbling.

Tex and Karin started hitting each other. Tucker was watching while eating popcorn. Unbeknownst to them, there was an unwanted guest at the back door.

Griff: "Wow that's convenient. A distraction right when I get here." Griff was wearing a ninja suit over his Spartan armor.

Griff: "Now, time to use my awesome ninja skillz to sneak inside. (Disclaimer: I don't own legendary frog's jokes or works, or legendary frog. I think a fan girl in Alabama owns him though)

Griff (snuck) in and carefully replaced Cabooses Advil with Tylenol.

Griff: "Everyone knows Advil is better than Tylenol. With Tylenol, Caboose's pain will never go away. He is as good as dead. Only I could come up with such an ingenious plan."

Karin was thrown by Tex right next to Griff. Fortunately Griff used the art of camouflage. Now how exactly he blends in with a blue background while wearing black and orange is beyond me but he does it none the less.

Karin: "Caboose will never love you."

Tex: "I never said he would."

Karin: "Oh…well…good. Caboose is mine."

Tex: "Actually...he's Sheila's."

As you may have guessed it was only then that Sheila pulled up right next to blue base.

Sheila: "Hi guys."

Church: "Hey aren't you suppose to be kidnapped by O'Malley?"

Karin: "Aren't you suppose to be unconscious?"

Church: "…don't hit me."

Sheila: "I just visited Lopez."

Church "You mean, he and O'Malley are here?"

Karin: "If you don't want to be introduced to Mr. Hammer again you has best be quiet."

Church: "…eep…"

Tex: "If O'Malley is here, he must be planning something evil. Karin we will have to put our differences aside…for now."

Karin: "Why? How can I help you beat O'Malley?"

Tex: "You can't. But having to beat you up with one hand while fighting O'Malley with the other is going to be annoying."

Karin: "Beating me up with one hand? You didn't seem to have much luck when I had you pinned against the floor."

Tex: "Really well you must have forgotten the part right after that when I threw you against the wall."

Tucker: "WOOT! CAT FIGHT ROUND TWO!"

A hammer and an SMG both made contact with Tuckers head at the exact same time.

Tex: "Wow nice throw."

Karin: "Thanks. I pride myself in being able to do such bodily harm to perverts."

Griff: "Wow. I can't believe that Tucker actually caused some kind of bond between you two."

Karin: "OH MY GOD WHERE DID YOU COME FROM!"

Tex: "WHERE DID YOU COME FROM!"

Church: "WHERE DID YOU COME FROM!"

Karin: "I said be quiet!"

Karin Knocked Church out.

Griff: "MY COVER HAS BEEN BLOWN!"

Griff tried to jump out the window but there was no window so he ended up slamming his head against the wall.

Karin: "Wow. My X is really stupid."

Tex: "Hey do you know what this means?"

Karin: "What?"

Tex: "Girls are in charge of blue base."

Sheila, Tex, and Karin looked at the four unconscious guys.

Thus the girls rule over blue base began.

Karin: "In retrospect I should probably be mending their wounds right now." Karin started to dig into her medical kit.

Tex: "Yah and I should probably go find O'Malley." Tex walked out of the base.

Sheila: "I should probably restock on my ammo." Sheila went to…wherever.

Thus the girls rule over blue base ended.

At red base…

Simmons: "I wonder if Griff has been captured yet."

Donut: "I'm more curious about who gets Bob. And what will Freddy do to win back Mary Sue's affection?"

Simmons: "What are you talking about?"

Donut: "Oh I'm just watching a soap opera here. Catholics girlfriend just came in and got into a fight with Mary sue. The fight stopped because they figured out their neighbor, old man Freddy had been spying on them…in a ninja outfit."

Sarge: "Sounds a lot like our predicament here."

Simmons: "No it's not a soap opera yet."

Donut bolted up from the TV in shock.

Donut: "SARGE! Why is there a blonde hair on your shotgun!"

Sarge: "NOW it's a soap opera."

Donut: "What have you been doing behind my back!"

Sarge: "Ok now it's just getting annoying…"

Simmons: "Yah. As I was saying before, do you think Griff has been captured?"

Sarge: "He probably has."

Donut: "Maybe we can use Griff's attack as a distraction and make an attack of our own."

Sarge: "Good idea Donut. I'm glad I thought of it."

Simmons: "Yah it's not like there's another aspect of the plot that can get in our way.

Meanwhile…………….

O'Malley: "MWUAHAHAH! At last! MY PLAN IS ABOUT TO BEGIN!"

How many pointless cliff hangers can I fit into one fic you ask? It's one of those ancient unknown questions, like what is the sound of a one handed clap. If a tree falls in the forest and no ones around to hear it does it make a sound? How many licks does it take to get to the tootsie role center of a tootsie role tootsie pop? The world will simply never know. But there is one thing that the world DOES know. That REVIEWing MY FIC does not in any way PROLONG YOUR LIFE.