Chapter Five: His Memory
"Since the restoration of the jewel."
The words struck Kagome like a slap. The realization had always been there; only something as powerful as the Jewel of the Four Souls could have changed the world so radically in the space of five hundred years. She had always been aware that it was the most likely source of the mystery, and yet to know that she had been the one, that she was responsible for the wish that caused the destruction of the demons was still a complete shock.
Kagome slumped into the grass and shut her eyes, taking a few minutes to absorb the overwhelming emotions that came with the knowledge that she would complete her task and eventually restore the jewel. "I guess that means Naraku was defeated," she mumbled weakly. "There's a plus."
Sesshoumaru studied her dispassionately, his face easily falling back into the harsh lines of indifference. "It is true, then. You do not know of your fate because it has yet to occur."
Kagome started, having momentarily forgotten the demon's presence in the overwhelming swirl of her own thoughts and feelings. "Well… yeah," she answered cautiously. If Sesshoumaru was anything like Michifusa, then he was undoubtedly intelligent enough to have gleaned her secret on his own. Still, she was hesitant to be too revealing to him. What if he decides to try and change the past by going back himself? she thought. What if he succeeds in travelling through the well and meets himself on the other side? Is that even possible? Will the universe implode on itself? Thinking too much about it was making her head hurt, so she answered as vaguely as possible. "Yes, I do spend a lot of my time right now chasing after Naraku with Inuyasha and the others. Please, don't ask me how it's done or if you can go back to the past too. It would be… too complicated," she said faintly.
If it was possible for a body to radiate coldness, Kagome guessed that the air surrounding Sesshoumaru would have crystallized from the sudden rigidness of his posture. "Obviously you have somehow managed to cross the barriers of time. How this is possible is of no concern to me," he said frostily. "I assure you, however, that I have no interest in meddling in the affairs of the past. It is a fool's errand, and those who partake in it risk being cast adrift in the sea of time."
Kagome folded her hands in her lap, staring into the dark water in front of her. Sesshoumaru's words hurt; not because he said them coldly but because they were true. The well might have been stable, but somewhere during the course of the last three years Kagome's anchor had been uprooted and tossed away, tangled somewhere in the strange blue light between eras. She closed her eyes and listened to the sound of the rushing water.
"It's funny," she said out loud after a moment. Silence followed, but Kagome hadn't been expecting an answer anyway. The fact that Sesshoumaru had not risen to leave when she first settled on the grass next to him had emboldened her; somehow, she knew he was listening even if he chose not to respond. "I never believed in destiny or pre-determined fate or any of that sort of stuff before. My Grandpa was always trying to convince me otherwise, but I didn't take him seriously."
At first, it was because Kagome had never put very much thought into it, but later on, after having met Kikyou, it became something less of a passive lack of interest and more of an active denial. To accept the idea of destiny was to accept the idea that she and Kikyou were the same person, and that each of their actions were already decided. There would be no end to Kikyou's suffering, and therefore no end to her own sorrow. And no matter how much Kagome felt she was coming to understand the other woman, she still had enough sense of self to want to deny that knowledge and create her own, happier truth. Now, however, as she sat next to Sesshoumaru and learned of her future which had already occurred, she felt her resolve crumbling. It took the flavour away from her remaining time in the Sengoku Jidai, opening her eyes to her own life with the same cruel awareness that Michifusa's history class had provided her for the Sengoku period.
"Just a few words from you, though, and I'm ready to throw away everything I believed in until now," she added bitterly. "Thanks a lot."
"I did not ask to be awakened," Sesshoumaru answered her sharply.
"Being human hasn't done anything for your temper," Kagome snapped back, still struggling under the burden of knowing her own destiny.
Sesshoumaru's eyebrow ticked slightly. "Mind your tongue, Higurashi," he said icily.
Kagome shrugged listlessly. "What are you going to do, flunk me?" she asked him sarcastically. She froze when she heard him emit a low grunt. Was that a laugh? she thought, eyeing Sesshoumaru speculatively. The smooth planes of his features hadn't seemed to actually move, and there was no indication of humour in his face. I must have imagined it.
"I just may do that," he said finally, keeping his face towards the water even as his eyes slid towards hers.
Kagome lost her balance and almost fell over; a remarkable feat, considering she was seated firmly on the ground. Then recovered and stared at Sesshoumaru openly. "You can't be serious. I mean… look at you!" she exploded, gesturing at his pointed ears and long white hair. "There's no way you can go back to being a teacher like that. I haven't even figured out what we're going to do about your appearance right now!" She bit her lip as Sesshoumaru's eyebrows drew together minutely and he turned his head to glare at her.
"You will 'do' nothing with me," he said slowly, the overture of a growl rumbling beneath his words. "I am neither a pet to be tended after nor a science project to be studied," he enunciated clearly. "We are speaking now because I tolerate your presence, no other reason. If you believe you are able to control my actions simply because the jewel has awakened me, then you are grossly mistaken. Do not be so presumptuous in the future, Higurashi."
Kagome stared at Sesshoumaru in disbelief. Did he just have the nerve to call me presumptuous? She ground her teeth together and looked away, forcing herself to calm down. "I'm being serious," Kagome forced out through her grit teeth. "You can't just waltz out of this valley and into the modern era looking like that. You have Professor Michifusa's memories, don't you? You should know this already, Lord Sesshoumaru!"
"Do not use that title," Sesshoumaru answered her in a brittle voice, turning his face away from Kagome as his lips tightened into a thin line.
"What?" Kagome said, thrown off balance by his reaction. "Title? You mean calling you Lord Sesshoumaru?" Seeing his almost imperceptible nod, she lifted an eyebrow. "Why not? You already seem to love reminding me that I should to keep to my station no matter who you are," she added sarcastically. Another thin silence stretched between them, and Kagome wondered if she had made him angry with her brash answers.
"I remember the small, petty life of this human instructor," Sesshoumaru answered instead, his voice soft and neutral. "I remember the life which I thought to be my own before his, and the one before that. I remember a great many things," he trailed off, his eyes growing clouded.
"Lor—umm, sir?" Kagome asked cautiously, seeing the distant look in the demon's eyes.
"To refer to one as a Lord is to imply that one has title and standing," Sesshoumaru answered, his eyes shutting briefly as a flicker of emotion passed over his face.
Kagome swallowed thickly. "But I thought you were the Lord of the Western Lands," she said timidly, and bit back a squeak as his eyes snapped to hers. To her surprise, she realized he wasn't angry. The intensity of his gaze was fuelled by a different emotion, one she thought someone like Sesshoumaru would have been incapable of feeling – regret.
"This I was," he said to her, and then he turned away, closing in on himself once more.
The significance of the past tense finally struck Kagome, and she looked away from him quickly. Once more she was ashamed to have inadvertently witnessed his display of emotion. She knew he was mourning for the things he had lost, from the tangible memory of a gap-toothed little girl to his unspoken power as a greater demon lord. He must remember, then… he witnessed his own title slipping away from his grasp and never even realized it was happening until now. Suddenly she felt very guilty for having spoken so harshly to Sesshoumaru. He was undoubtedly as physically powerful as in the past, but he had only been awake for the space of roughly half an hour. He was still in the process of reconciling the past with the present, whereas Kagome had been struggling with the same problem for almost three years. It was sobering to see how fragile the demon actually was underneath the aloof mask that he so carefully cloaked himself behind. And, she realized belatedly, that his previous threat was an empty one; he was in his own way clinging to her presence just as much as she was to his. Though they might have started on different shores, they were both trapped in limbo, holding on for dear life and trying not to let the current of time overwhelm them and sweep them away. After a moment, Kagome managed to find her voice and tried to steer them both towards safer ground.
"So what should I call you then, sir?" she asked in a light-hearted tone. Sesshoumaru was silent for a few moments longer, then he recovered gracefully, as though there had been no lapse in his behaviour, no shared moment of understanding between them. It was a little bit saddening to Kagome, but not quite as sad as the crushing burden that had created the understanding, and so she let it slide. Ignore a problem and it will go away, she thought to herself. Who ever thought the great and mighty Sesshoumaru would adopt human survival tactics?
"I find 'sir' to be acceptable," he told her generously.
Kagome felt her face dropping into a scowl. "I don't," she answered him. "I also don't like being called 'Higurashi' all the time!" she added with a huff.
Sesshoumaru looked at her blandly. "It is your name, is it not?"
"Well, yeah," Kagome said stiffly. "But when you say it like that, you sound like a drill sergeant, SIR!" she said, giving him small, mocking salute. "You could call me Miss Higurashi if you wanted to. Or better yet, just call me Kagome. I wouldn't mind."
"Hnn," he answered her, as if considering her words. "Very well, Miss Higurashi. You may refer to me by name if you wish."
Kagome smiled, warmed by the sudden and unexpected victory. Well, half-victory, as he was still using her last name. It was a start, however, and one that gave her the confidence to continue. A thought struck her, and she frowned slightly. "Seriously, what are you going to do now? You can't keep your day job looking like that," she said, gesturing at his silvery reflection in the water.
"Do not concern yourself over the matter," Sesshoumaru said simply. "The call of the jewel has awakened me, combined with the pull of the new moon." He closed his eyes and stilled, seeming to absorb their surroundings. Kagome even noted with some surprise that he was inhaling deeply; she had thought it would be something he wouldn't want to do considering the air quality of modern Tokyo in general. She was even more surprised when he continued. "The moon shall soon fade, as will my presence."
Kagome gasped audibly. "What do you mean?" she asked him, feeling a sudden and unexpected tug of panic. "You're dying?"
Sesshoumaru's eye flew open and he gave her an annoyed look. "You are overly melodramatic, Miss Higurashi. I recommend that you refrain from filling your head with the painfully romantic notions which are so popular among your gender today and divert your attention to more serious pursuits." He shifted slightly, looking at the dark night sky. "No, I will not 'die' as you so put it. I will simply revert to that which I was before," he said tiredly.
Kagome frowned, her hands flying to the jar around her neck. "But I thought the jewel had to the power to restore you," she said hesitantly. "Why would you go back to being human again now that you're aware of yourself?" Sesshoumaru's posture stiffened slightly and Kagome knew she was treading on dangerous ground once more. I have to know, though. "I can't try to help you if you don't tell me," she said quietly.
Sesshoumaru smirked coldly. "You cannot help me. You cannot change the past. What was wished for is done, and cannot be undone." He glanced at the jar she was holding, looking over the pathetically few shards that were gathered there. "The fragments you hold do not even contain a fraction of the power of the completed jewel. You do not have the ability to change this fate…" He paused and looked at her speculatively. "… even if you desired to. When the sun rises in the east, I shall return to my human state, bereft of the memory of this night and my awareness." His lip curled as he mentioned the term human. "Of this I am certain."
Kagome fell silent, regarding Sesshoumaru with a mixture of surprise and confusion. How can he be so calm about it? she thought to herself. To live for only one night and then go back to being a stranger in your own body? She shook her head; it felt wrong. Destiny or not, she knew she couldn't allow that to happen; she tried to justify it with her sense of fairness and duty. Deep down, however, she knew it was guilt that motivated her; she didn't want to be the one who gave Sesshoumaru his first taste of freedom in five hundred years only to have him lose it again with the coming of dawn. Kagome's mouth twisted into a small frown. She didn't want to be the one who made the wish that relegated him to this state in the first place. The cogs in her mind began to turn slowly, searching for a path that led out of the gloomy labyrinth Sesshoumaru was painting.
"Say," she said hesitantly, rubbing her hands together. "Could you tell me a little bit more about how the jewel was restored?" It hasn't happened yet in the past… maybe there's a way out of this mess, she thought.
Sesshoumaru studied her and slowly his face drew into a deep frown, as if he could read her thoughts. "You cannot change the past," he repeated.
"How do you know?" Kagome answered with annoyance. "Of course you can't change the past if you don't even try. Besides, we're not talking about YOU here, we're talking about ME. And I think I have the right to try!"
Sesshoumaru's gaze became stony, and he remained silent.
"Please?" she asked him pitifully. "Just one or two itsy-bitsy little details, you don't even have to tell me everything!"
"It would not be wise," he told her. "Your outlook has changed from the little I have revealed so far. Already, it is clear that I have told you too much."
Kagome sighed deeply. "Why are you so adamantly against this idea, anyway? You're the one who would stand to benefit the most from changing history, you know. Since I know the jewel's going to be restored anyway, why not just tell me the rest?"
Sesshoumaru refused to speak to her face, focusing instead on the water. "You would bring ruin upon yourself and this world if you had such knowledge."
"How do you know?" Kagome answered hotly. "I'm trying to save the world here, in both times! You could be a part of that effort too if you'd just cooperate a little!"
"If you stir up the waters of time, they will become muddy." Sesshoumaru paused and looked at Kagome thoughtfully. "You are familiar with chaos theory?" he asked her.
"Chaos theory?" Kagome echoed blankly.
Irritation passed over Sesshoumaru's features briefly. "Ah yes. Your school records clearly indicated your incompetence with higher mathematics. I shall explain it in simplistic terms for you."
Kagome found herself staring at Sesshoumaru. A demon resurrected into modern times was one thing of itself; to have said demon, who for all intents and purposes had missed out on the last five hundred years of his life, to suddenly be quoting modern day scientific abstractions for her was a completely different matter. She found her voice after a few more moments of gawking. "Y-you're my history teacher, not my math teacher! How do you know about chaos theory?"
Sesshoumaru only smirked. "I amused myself with the study of physics at the turn of the last century," he informed her smugly.
"Physics!" Kagome echoed, horrified. It was quite possibly the only subject that she hated more than math. "I didn't ask you to give me a lecture on physics, just to tell me what happened to the jewel five hundred years ago!" she shouted.
"Perhaps you have not yet lived long enough to fully comprehend certain truths," Sesshoumaru answered seriously, completely ignoring her outburst. "All things in this world are connected to one another; therefore, to understand the world, you must strive to understand each of its separate parts. This is especially true of the pursuit of knowledge," he explained patiently. "You are not a fool, Miss Higurashi, though your stubborn refusal to commit yourself to all aspects of your education is quite foolish. I do not care what your personal beliefs or preferences are at the moment; you will listen to my words and you will understand them," he commanded.
Whoa, he's back in teacher-mode. Except that I don't think Professor Michifusa would threaten to melt me into a pile of goop if I didn't pay attention, Kagome thought nervously with a small gulp. She also couldn't decide if his last comment was complimentary or threatening. Deciding it was a little of both, she struggled to follow Sesshoumaru's words.
"Though a system might follow a pattern which appears to be ordered, even the slightest of variances within that system can produce drastic changes in its long term behaviour," Sesshoumaru told her. "There are consequences to each action we take which we cannot know or see, no matter how insignificant they may seem." He stared at Kagome expectantly.
"You mean if I sneeze in the feudal era at the wrong time, I could change the course of history?" Kagome asked sceptically.
"In essence, yes," Sesshoumaru answered, looking pleased.
"I wasn't being serious!" Kagome said, her eyes bulging.
"That is of no consequence," Sesshoumaru answered lazily. "The mere fact of your presence in the feudal era has undoubtedly already changed the world in more ways than we could know."
Kagome's mouth flapped open, and a pulsing headache began to form between her eyes. "Alright, hold on a minute there," she said with a wince, rubbing her temples. "By that argument, every time I go down the well, something should be different when I get back! I haven't noticed anything out of the ordinary, though. Explain that one to me."
Sesshoumaru sniffed slightly. "The underlying system still retains its basic order," he informed her. "You yourself are a part of that system. Perhaps you are simply not aware of the changes which you affect. In creating those changes in the past, they have already occurred in the future."
Kagome's headache spiked. "So then what's the problem of telling me what you know? I'm going to change everything anyway the next time I go back, right?"
"Not necessarily," Sesshoumaru countered. "You have heard the saying 'history repeats itself?' The flow of time does not follow the same behaviour as other ordered systems. I have observed it to follow patterns which are independent of… scientific explanation. Perhaps it is human nature. Or perhaps it is something more." He paused and gave Kagome a hard stare. "The more stimuli you receive, the greater the effect will be on the system. And yet, despite this, I believe you will still be unable to change the major occurrences within our timeline. To create such a radical turn in the flow of time, you would need the assistance of something which transcends the reach of time."
"Something like the Jewel of the Four Souls," Kagome breathed. "So that's why the past is open for me," she murmured. Then her brow constricted. "Wait a second. So what you're saying is that you don't want to tell me what happened in order to prevent any more small changes from happening in the timeline than absolutely necessary." And who knows how many changes I've already made? Kagome thought to herself nervously. The more she thought about it, the more it eroded at her patience and sanity; she was achingly curious to know which changes she had inadvertently made to the world and realized at the same time that she would never be able to know, at least not until she was dead. And even that's not certain, her rational mind added snidely.
"Ugh!" she finally yelled, grasping at her temples and shaking her head to clear it of her scattered thoughts. "But then you said no matter how many small changes I make by mistake, the big events will always stay the same no matter what I do. That I can't stop these things from happening without the help of the Jewel of the Four Souls, things like the destruction of the demon race." She peered between her hands at Sesshoumaru miserably.
"Precisely," he told her, offering her neither comfort nor praise for her observation. She couldn't blame him, it wasn't a very happy theory after all.
Silence settled again, and Kagome looked up, noticing the gradual lightening of the night sky. A sense of urgency overtook her; Sesshoumaru only had a few precious hours left, and she was still no closer to discovering what had happened to the jewel than before.
"I still don't understand you at all," she tried again. "None of the things you explained makes any difference to me." She felt rather than saw Sesshoumaru's glare and cringed slightly. "I mean I get the theory and all!" she added quickly, feeling as though she was being scolded. "But I can't give up my quest to restore the jewel, so I have to travel to the past again anyway." She sighed and rubbed her face wearily. "If I'm going to change things just by being there, what's to stop you from giving me a little concrete help here? The only thing that could possibly happen that we'd be aware of is the chance to change the wish on the Jewel once it's been made whole again." She clenched her fists together and glared at Sesshoumaru, annoyed by his sudden reticence. "It seems to me if I'm going to be doing a ton of 'damage' to the timeline anyway, it might as well be the right kind of damage!"
Sesshoumaru faced away from her, his features smoothing out into an unusually bland mask. It was a sharp contrast from the spark of interest and life he had shown when explaining the consequences of her time travel. "You still do not understand," he said quietly, his voice low and neutral.
Kagome frowned, feeling slightly hurt that he was shutting her out once more. "No, I think I understand what you said pretty well," she contradicted him fiercely. "What are you really talking about?"
Sesshoumaru studiously ignored her, focusing once again on the depths of dark stream before them. Kagome, however, refused to be put out and scooted closer to him, peering into his face. His eyes stole across hers for a brief moment and returned to the water, and if anything the line of his mouth became impossibly thinner.
Kagome frowned. Huh, I upset him. What'd I say? I'm sure I understood what he was trying to tell me, every last word. She thought of Michifusa's correction of her essay assignment and blinked. Maybe it's not about understanding the theory alone, she suddenly thought. He is very intelligent and I guess he's used to getting preachy with the ignorant masses, she thought wryly, but in the end it's always about what he thinks is right. She frowned slightly. So what does he think is the real problem?
Sesshoumaru's eyes had flickered to her face again, and Kagome only noticed belatedly as she came out of her private musing. She blushed and mumbled a quick apology, withdrawing from his proximity. Then she stared at him. Wait, I've been staring blankly at him for almost a good two minutes practically directly under his nose, and he didn't say a word? Didn't melt my face off? She blinked, and Sesshoumaru refused to look at her, and something clicked. "You mean me, don't you," she said quietly.
His face remained passive, but Kagome noticed that Sesshoumaru had stiffened.
"You do mean me," she said finally. "I'm the other ordered system that would be affected. If you tell me what you know, it'll cause drastic changes in my own development." She paused and gave him a tiny, uncertain smile. "Hey, you know, that's not physics anymore."
Sesshoumaru's shoulders relaxed slightly. "… that is also true," he said with a hint of dry amusement. The silence fell between them again, this time not so tense, and yet still a far cry away from being comfortable. They both listened to the rustling of the trees and the tinkling of the water for quite some time, one too proud to speak first and the other too shy.
Kagome drew her knees to her chest and chewed on her lower lip nervously. "Why does it matter to you?" she asked him finally. "I'm the girl who cursed you after all. Why do you care about what happens to me? I'm trying to help here, you know. You could be killing two birds with one stone."
"I do not wish to kill anyone!" Sesshoumaru answered vehemently, his voice shattering the quiet stillness of the dark valley. Kagome scrambled backwards, her eyes wide from his fierce and unexpected snarl. The sudden movement caught his eye, and with effort, he inhaled sharply and slowly slid his stoic mask back into place. "Five hundred years of human history has satiated my even my lust for blood," he answered her softly. "I am a hibakusha."
Kagome drew in her breath sharply. "I—I'm sorry," she said after finding her voice. "I didn't know—"
"Do not apologize for the stupidity of your race as a whole," Sesshoumaru corrected her curtly. "You are but one person. As I have said, you cannot change the past."
Kagome rested her chin on her knees, trying to blink away the tears in her eyes. When she had managed to recover somewhat, she swallowed thickly. "But why, then? Why won't you let me at least try to save your people? You know—"
"It is not about saving the demons from their fate. Our destiny is written." He turned to face her, his eyes glowing intensely in the darkness, and Kagome swallowed. He was waiting for something, waiting for a sign from her. She reached out very slowly and carefully touched his shoulder. He blinked, and for a moment, the curtain that veiled his eyes fell, and she saw his reasons, his frailty, all too clearly.
Because I do not want to be alone, even if I am not aware that I am alone.
Kagome swallowed again, her heart hammering in her chest. What are you? she wanted to ask him. What do you want? She couldn't bring herself to voice the question because she didn't know the answer for herself. It wasn't love; after living three years of constant heartache and sacrifice for Inuyasha, she considered herself something of an expert on the subject, at least for the unrequited variety. Yet it wasn't friendship, either; they hardly knew each other as it was, and had circumstances been different, she knew they wouldn't have bothered to develop one. Circumstance, she thought grimly. We're both victims of it. That was the bond they shared; it was a strange and uncomfortable one, destined to be brief and painful. And yet here was Sesshoumaru, grasping on to what little she could offer as though it was too precious to squander; too selfish to fix what was so obviously wrong with the world simply because her presence gave him one evening of comfort during five hundred years of hell. Your pride is going to kill both of us, Kagome noted, observing his silence as the veil was replaced and his attention returned to the dark depths of the water.
Her guilt magnified as she watched him, growing bright and hot. It burned through her, as though she was an ant focused under a lens. "I made that wish," she finally said. "I banished you and god knows how many other demons into human forms." Pushing her feet underneath her, she placed her hands onto the grass before her and bowed low, her head touching the moist ground. "Let me have the chance to set things right. Please, Sesshoumaru. Let me fix my mistake." She heard a slight rustle of cloth as he turned to regard her.
"That is what you believe?" His voice held a slight note of surprise, and Kagome glanced up, confused.
"Huh? Isn't that what you said?" she asked, straightening up.
Sesshoumaru's eyes narrowed into slits. "That is not true. Again, you have misinterpreted my words."
"Only because you're never clear!" Kagome sat up completely, glaring at Sesshoumaru angrily. Her nerves felt raw and tense, and she was exhausted not only from the lack of sleep but also the emotional rollercoaster that she was riding, and her patience was all but gone. "Speak up!" she yelled at him. "So far you've only been talking about theories and possibilities, the what-ifs and the maybes! What happened to all that stuff about good old fashioned empirical evidence, huh? Fact and observation?" She clapped her mouth shut, giving him a glare that probably would have made him proud as a teacher. "Tell. Me. What. Happened." she grit out.
Sesshoumaru sighed slightly. "That would not be wise."
"Screw wisdom!" Kagome yelled. She smacked her hand against her chest, her eyes wide with fury. "In case you didn't notice, this system has already been damaged! You're the one who did it, so you have to fix it now! Tell me the truth!"
Sesshoumaru narrowed his eyes at her, but Kagome didn't cower under the force of his glare this time. She had seen behind his mask, she knew of his frailty, and she was plain old tired. Using the knowledge that he actually wouldn't actually hurt her no matter how frosty his gaze was might have been considered an unfair advantage, but by that point, Kagome was feeling anything but charitable.
"… Naraku gathers the last of the remaining shards to himself," he said after a moment. "He is aided by the undead priestess and the boy who is caught between the living and the dead. This act destroys your friends completely, and allows Naraku to restore the jewel within his body."
Kagome went still, the fire dying from her eyes. "What do you mean it destroys my friends?" she asked him, feeling the pit of her stomach drop out.
Sesshoumaru fell silent.
"Tell me," she said quietly.
"The monk is consumed by his curse. In his last moments he brings the one-who-is-not to death with him."
"The one who is not?" Kagome asked, confused.
"The one who is nothing," Sesshoumaru answered. "The eldest child of Naraku." He paused, continuing. "The demon slayer does not die," he continued. "Not physically," he added as an afterthought.
Kagome bit her lip, trying to fight back her tears. Oh Sango… but you have to watch Miroku and Kohaku die… A sob escaped her lips, and Kagome raised her hand to her mouth and bit on her palm, forcing it back down. She couldn't let herself be distracted; she had to find out what happened to the jewel. When she felt she was under control again, she gave Sesshoumaru a shaky nod.
"The wolf is also slain, protecting you." Kagome felt a chill come over her body. If Kouga dies protecting me, then… "Inuyasha—" she began.
"My half-brother lives," Sesshoumaru continued smoothly. "Together we defeat the evil that is Naraku and retrieve the jewel." An almost imperceptible shadow fell over his face at the memory, and Kagome knew that no amount of pleading or questioning would make him elaborate on the curt explanation. He fell silent, lost in thought, and Kagome waited for a few more moments before growing impatient.
"I need to know what happens to the jewel," she reminded him gently.
Sesshoumaru blinked slowly, focusing on Kagome once more. "Only you have the power to purify the completed Jewel of the Four Souls," he said.
Kagome held her breath and nodded for him to continue.
"Your love for my half-brother prompts you to offer him the jewel."
Her breath left her body in a whoosh. "Inuyasha makes that wish?" Kagome choked, balling her hands into fists. "I don't believe it!"
Sesshoumaru's eyes focused and sharpened. "Silence!" he growled. "You jump to conclusions much too quickly, girl! Had Inuyasha been so foolish as to desire the destruction of all demons, I would have slain him where he stood!"
Kagome blushed and forced herself to relax. "Sorry," she mumbled. She heard Sesshoumaru snort and pause, and tried not to fidget as she waited for him to continue. He drew the silence out, obviously enjoying her discomfort, but even though she felt her eyebrow twitching, she refused to rise to the bait. The urge to know what happened to the jewel was greater than her annoyance, and eventually Sesshoumaru gave up.
"My idiot half-brother gives the jewel to the undead priestess."
Kagome's eyes widened. So… he chose her, she thought, feeling another piece of her heart, one that she had long thought well-prepared for that eventuality, clench painfully inside of her chest. "He let Kikyou make that terrible, selfish wish," she whispered, feeling her anger and confusion mingle. I thought I understood her! Kagome thought furiously, feeling somehow betrayed even though she and Kikyou had barely even spoken with each other. "How could she?"
"Selfish wish?" Sesshoumaru echoed, his eyebrow rising slightly. "No, I see you do not understand at all," he said as he met Kagome's eyes. Her anger drained away into confusion and she waited for him to continue without prodding. "The priestess simply wishes for the dominance of human blood, so that no demon will be capable of lusting after the power of the jewel again."
"That wish seals away all of the demons in Japan!" Kagome cried out. "How is that not a selfish wish?"
"How do you believe the priestess sustained herself in the world of the living, the world she did not belong to?" he asked her.
"By stealing the innocent souls of…" Kagome trailed off, remembering the glowing, ethereal forms of Kikyou's soul-collecting insects. Demons… they were demons, too, she realized. If she sealed them away, then she would die… really die, this time. She heard Sesshoumaru continue even as she began to grasp the ramifications of Kikyou's wish.
"Weaker demons, those lacking sentience or willpower, are killed immediately. The half-breeds simply revert to their human bodies. And the strong…" Sesshoumaru trailed off, his eyes growing distant again.
"You become human," Kagome finished.
"The strong are able to resist," Sesshoumaru corrected her, his eyes falling shut. "But only briefly. Not even this Sesshoumaru can overcome the power of a pure wish on the Jewel of the Four Souls."
Sesshoumaru's face remained calm and smooth, but Kagome could see the hidden pain etched into his features at the memory. It must have been horrible, she realized suddenly. More horrible for the stronger demons, the ones who were able to witness their transformation slowly and fight tooth and nail against it. She wondered how long it had taken before Kikyou's curse had defeated the proud demon before her. Watching Sesshoumaru's marble-like countenance, she shivered and suddenly didn't want to know.
His eyelids rose slowly, and he turned and looked at Kagome. "The sun will rise soon," he noted. "Leave me."
Kagome opened her mouth. "But—" I'm not ready yet, she wanted to say, suddenly feeling an overwhelming sadness overcome her.
"You will follow this one request," Sesshoumaru told her, his eyes falling shut once more. He remained very still, and in that moment she knew he was not ready, either, and that this was the way things would be, and that all of the wishing in the world wouldn't change it.
Some time later, Kagome stumbled back into the Sunset Shrine, tired, worried and depressed, and collapsed into the arms of her very concerned mother. She slept through her last remaining day in the modern era completely, missing every single one of her classes, and when she finally woke, she cursed Sesshoumaru for being too good of a teacher.
AN: "Hibakusha" means "explosion affected people" – a term used for survivors of the atomic bombings of Hiroshima and Nagasaki.