The Breakup
I am speechless, frozen; my future is walking away from me! I can't hold back the tears. What have I done? I walk inside and slowly close the door. I fall down to the floor and the tears come pouring out like raindrops on a stormy day. My mind is a cluttered mess and my heart is breaking all over again.
I never really understood how I was hurting Lucas through all of this and could not even see what was right in front of me the whole time. I took him for granted and hurt him in the process. I can not blame Nathan for this one. It was my indecisive thoughts that brought me here. One thing is for sure, I have got to face the truth and tell Nathan to move on so I can begin to mend my relationship with Lucas.
I can now see how I have been projecting Jack onto Nathan and that was so unfair to everyone. I really do Love Lucas and now I know for sure. I know what I have to do. I have treated him so badly and Rosemary too. My two biggest supporters and I have pushed them both away. I need to apologize to Rosemary in the morning. Then I am going to tell Nathan I'm not in love with him.
Jack I am going to move on, I do not want to miss out on this chance for happiness. I take off my rings and prepare to begin a new love story. Hopefully I can convince Lucas that he is my future.
The beautiful crisp air hits me as the morning sun peaks its head up. Rosemary was quick to forgive me for acting like a fool and being so awful to her. I gave Robert an invitation to give to Lucas for a very special date that I have planned for this evening. I hope he comes. He doesn't have too. I mean if he had treated me the way I treated him I wouldn't want to go.
I blew him off in the schoolhouse; I think Nathan made me feel a little guilty when he grabbed my hands. I didn't want to just pull away from him; I felt that would take away from the forgiveness part. I invited Nathan into my home and treated him like I would have treated Jack, warming his surge, offering him gloves. I did not realize what I was doing at the time, but it finally kicked in Nathan is not and will never be Jack. I need to move on. I avoided telling Nathan from the beginning that I am not in love with him, which made it worse. Lucas was witnessing all of this and I feel like I don't deserve his love.
Everything I see and do has Lucas at the front of my mind. I can't get him out of my head. I walk into the Café and there he is! My heart is racing, I'm lost for words. Do I speak or pretend I don't see him; well of course I have to speak. I had so much I wanted to say and tell him and then Walden showed up.
Why was Lucas meeting with Walden anyway? Doesn't he know Walden took advantage of Jesse? I guess our conversation will have to wait. I received my first copy of my finished manuscript and I am so happy! I can only assume that Lucas dropped it off.
I went to the jail and told Nathan the truth and I could see he was hurt. I feel relieved that I have been honest. Hopefully now I can move forward with Lucas and quit distracting myself with Nathan. I will always love him as a friend, but he is not my lifetime.
I finally feel like Landis and I have made some supportive progress today. That has given me a little bit of hope. As Robert walked up and explained about the saloon being closed and he wasn't able to deliver my invitation, I panicked! I had to see for myself. All I could do when Lee said he headed out of town was run after him. I was too late. It was over. My lifetime had walked out of my life and now I am left broken and in pieces all over again standing at our bridge that meant so much to me.
Then I heard his voice. Then I turned and there he was. Happiness overtook me and I did not even need to speak. He knew exactly what I was thinking. I knew from this point on my life was changed forever!