AN: Thank you everyone that reviewed last chapter! I promise that Meredith and Derek will be together, but just not yet, because I think it is unrealistic for that to happen so early in the story. There has to be some pain before love…I feel so bad for torturing them, but that is what's happening in the show. And I'm right with you guys…it is so obvious that Derek cares, but Meredith can't see that right now because she's hurt…

Chapter 6- Beautiful Struggle

Meredith and Derek watched each other in silence. She knew what he was going to say but she needed to hear it again. Meredith closed her eyes as the silence started to ring even louder in her ears. It was raining outside, and the wind was whistling, someone had to say something or else she was going to go crazy.

"This decision has never been easy for me, and you know that."

"I know," Meredith stood up. She walked away from her bed and towards the window. "It's just difficult to love someone that you can't be with,"

"I know," Derek repeated to himself.

"No you don't Derek! You don't know," Meredith barked. For a second she realized that her voice was raised so she took it down a notch. She sighed and then placed her shaking hand to her forehead. "Playing games is like your expertise,"

"Meredith!" Derek exclaimed. He shot up and then walked over to her, but Meredith held out her hands. He sighed in frustration and then placed his hands on his hips. "Is this what you think this is, some game to me?"

"It sure feels like one," Meredith bit her lip as she looked back at him. She raised her hands in uncertainty because she didn't know what else to say and he was just staring back at her like a wounded puppy.

Derek reached out for Meredith's shoulder but she stepped back. "I'm not playing games with you Mere."

"Maybe you're not, but it feels like it. You are the most indecisive man I've ever met in my life. You're with Addison, but yet you're always watching me, and kissing me, and making sure that I don't get over you."

"I'm not leading you on,"

"Then what do you call it." Meredith stepped closer to Derek and then searched his eyes. "What do you call this? I'm lying down in my bed, and I just want to be miserable all alone, but then you come by and mess everything up. I just want to find my comfortable place, and I can't find it when you're breathing down my neck,"

"Then I'll stop breathing, but I'll warn you that I might die,"

Meredith groaned. "And now you're joking," She moved away from the window and opened the door. Meredith then looked back at George and Izzie in shock. "And what are your excuses!"

"Stood up," Izzie mumbled referring to Alex.

Meredith frowned and then turned to look at George. He looked like a deer in headlights so then he looked at Izzie for help. "George?"

"Support," He stammered.

Meredith shook her head and bit her tongue in order to keep her thoughts to herself. If she said anything to them she would regret it in the morning, and they were only trying to help. But she didn't want it. She didn't want there help or anyone else's. "Izzie, something's burning," Meredith replied flatly.

Izzie gasped. "Oh no, my cake! Alex cursed it, I'm going to kill him," She threw her hands up in the air and then stormed down the hall. George looked after her and then at Meredith.

"George, I need you!" Izzie yelled.

"Coming," George said. He looked after Izzie and then focused back on Meredith. "We're here for you just in case you need…"

"I'm good George," Meredith closed the door and exhaled as she looked back at Derek. "Being just friends obviously doesn't work between us, because I'll always want something more. When you love someone you can't just press a button to turn it off. Love stays like some sick and ugly disease, and every time you're near it strikes."

"I love you,"

"Stop,"

"Why,"

"Because you're playing games with me again," Meredith shook her head. "We've already had this conversation once today, and I don't want to talk about it anymore. Because I'm frustrated, tired, and so drained of energy."

"Believe me I'm not using you. That's just not me, and I would never do that to you." Derek looked down at the ground. "You know that Addison and I have been married for a while now, and I can't just throw it all away,"

"Yeah, for some silly intern that you had a one night stand with," Meredith snorted to herself as she made the comparison. "But then again she did cheat on you, so I guess I'm not as trashy as I sound,"

"You're not trashy," Derek defended.

"Well I am pathetic, that you can't argue with." Meredith paced around the room. She wrapped her arms around her body. "You should probably get back to her, because you're right she is your wife. No matter what she did, you're obligated to try and work things out, and I know that you wouldn't just walk away."

Derek placed his hand over his mouth. "Before I leave I need to know that you're going to be okay?"

"Be okay?" Meredith replied as she looked back at him incredulously.

"Yes, Addison is my wife and I'm with her. But that doesn't mean that I don't care about you. I'm trying my best here Meredith, I really am but it's not easy."

"Yes it is, just give me some time. And I mean seriously, don't corner me in stairwells and invite me to dinner, or kiss me in cars. We need to break this off before I completely lose it."

"Okay, I won't kiss you in cars, or corner you in stairwells anymore, but you can't make me stop caring."

"Just stop caring, it's simple as that." Meredith ordered.

"I know you're bossy but you don't scare me."

"You're joking with me again,"

Derek looked down at the bottle of beer on Meredith's dresser. It was unopened but he suspected that she was going to drink it later. "It's sad to drink alone," He picked up the bottle, but Meredith quickly snatched it from his hands.

"That's what depressed people do." Meredith blinked as she tried to wash away her shame. She begged for him to love her, and every time she ended up looking like a fool. Cristina minus as well pin a big red nose on her and call her BoBo the clown.

"So if I leave right now and walk out the door what's going to happen tomorrow," Derek asked.

"What do you mean what's going to happen tomorrow?"

"Are you going to ignore me," Derek asked.

"This isn't high school, if I do then so what."

"That's childish c'mon,"

"No, it's called moving on." Meredith directed at him. She raised her chin slightly, because she needed to get back her mojo…she was Meredith Grey, she could be with any other guy besides Derek…well not really, because she was pretty sure he was the best guy out there. Or maybe she was just warped. "I'm not sure what you expect from me but I have to move on with my life. I don't want to be 96 years old and living with a bunch of cats while waiting for you to divorce Addison for me. I need to stop dreaming and face reality, you don't love me…"

"I do,"

"No, you don't. I need to move on Derek, and I thought you were my future. Hell, I even wanted you to be my future even after I found out about Addison. I can't beg you anymore because I still have some pride left, go back to your wife, go back to Addison."

Derek crossed his arms as he looked back at Meredith. "You can ignore me all you want, but that won't change anything."

"Yes it will,"

"We can still be friends,"

"Friends is boring and pointless," Meredith mumbled.

"I'll buy you lunch tomorrow, and I'll sit at your table."

"I have my own lunch money,"

Derek smiled, "I thought I would at least get a smile,"

Meredith opened the door and then motioned out towards the hallway. "I don't feel like smiling right now. I just need to be alone,"

"No more jokes," Derek held up his hands in surrender. "I know you hate me right now, and you have every reason to, but I want to be a part of your life. I know that it sucks being just friends but I made a promise, and if I walked out on Addison without even trying then I wouldn't be a man,"

"Well I need a man…a real one," Meredith's eyebrows furrowed low over her eyes. Hurting him wasn't going to do any good. "We've pretty much beat this conversation into the ground. You're right ignoring you is childish, but for now I don't want to be you're friend. At least until I can get over this…" Meredith made a face as she looked back at him. "This crush,"

"So then that gives me time to get over it too," Derek whispered to himself. "Even though I doubt I ever will,"

Meredith stepped aside as Derek walked out the door. He looked over his shoulder, and their eyes connected. She watched him sadly and then closed the door behind him. Meredith picked up the bottle of beer which was now lying on her bed, "You're going to be my friend tonight, okay,"

Addison watched as Derek stepped into their tiny room. He pulled off his jacket without a word. She opened her mouth to say "hi" but he didn't even look at her. Addison looked down, and bit her lip as she watched him sadly. Mark asked her to meet him at Joe's, but she had turned him down because she wanted to work things out with Derek, but he didn't seem to care what happened with them. Addison massaged her forehead as Derek sunk down onto the bed next to her. He turned over on his side and scooted as far away from her as possible as if she were some kind of disease, or the main reason for his unhappiness. Addison was strong, but at the same time she was human. Countless times she had apologized to Derek, and he seemed to listen, but no matter what he said his actions spoke louder than words. She placed down the magazine in her hand and then pulled off her reading glasses.

"Turn off the light when you're finished," Derek said quietly.

Addison debated whether she should ask him if he was okay or not but she figured he wouldn't tell her what was wrong anyways so she decided against it. She reached forward and turned off the lights. Addison sunk down in the bed as well. Her eyes traveled around the darkened room. He was still in love with Meredith, and she knew that. But Addison needed to know if he still loved her. Addison turned to look at his body in the dark. Something was seriously bothering him.

Meredith tilted her head back as she downed her 2nd bottle of beer. Drinking alone was pathetic and sad especially when she felt like this. She had entertained the thought of going to Joe's and finding a guy, but with the way she was feeling right now she would be probably pick up some weirdo. And she didn't need a weirdo right now. She just needed someone to love her, and a one night stand wasn't going to do the job. Meredith squeezed her eyes shut as she thought about Derek. Love wasn't supposed to be painful, but this was. Did he even know how much it hurt to love him? She placed down the beer bottle and pulled the covers back. Meredith trudged towards the door, opened it and walked towards George's room. She wasn't surprised to find Izzie already there.

"Make some room for me," Meredith replied. George scooted over and even held back the covers for her, "Thanks, I don't want to be alone now."

"I thought he was really changing. I can understand once, but twice…no I've got to move on. Alex isn't going to change for anyone, the only person that he cares about is himself…and he made me burn my cake too." Izzie complained.

Meredith swallowed down a lump in her throat as she listened to Izzie. She wasn't even going to talk about Derek, because her whole world had been shaped around him, and now she needed to put her life back together. Pick up the pieces and cut her losses, because love wasn't supposed to hurt this much…it wasn't supposed to be a struggle.