Author's note: Oh my heck! I'm updating! After a million reviews in my inbox and the realization that I hadn't updated for 8 months, I got down to business and wrote a chapter!
My list of excuses: Um, my mac did shut down for a while, but that only gives me one month's leisure. I have been working a lot on my Fushigi Yuugi fic, but this one has been so neglected… so I took the last two days to summarize all my chapters so I could remember everything I had written, and here ya go! I hope I didn't lose too many readers with my laziness!
To Rabid Turtle: When I re-read chapter 13 on ffnet, I noticed the jump too, and I apologize. I should probably fix it… anyway, thank you for your detailed review, I really appreciated it. Bad things do happen when Saitou leaves… I'm a horrible person. Don'tcha love it?
To JadeGoddess: I suppose Tokio is still a bit naïve. She didn't think it would be dangerous going back at dusk.
To Nekoneko: I agree with you that the story shoots off in several directions. I get need to pull away from the drama and work on the story line!
To Kamiyama: Very good points in your review. Honestly, I didn't realize Saitou was Saitou's last name until several chapters into this story. ;; However, I think I like it the way it is. I know Kari isn't a Japanese name (unless I change it to Yukari) but I figured it was cute, and most people wouldn't know. I also didn't know Saitou had three sons, thanks for informing me of that. I base this fiction off the anime, where they're not mentioned. But again, thank you for setting me straight!
To LMD: You're printing the story out? Wicked. Kenshin knows who Tokio is, but the others will have to find out for themselves!
To Joselyngreenleaf: And the award for the most persistent reviewer goes to… (ha ha, thanks.)
To all: Sorry for my late update again! And I can't reply to everyone, there were so many reviews! (many pleading for me to update. Here ya go!)
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Chapter 14: Tears and Torture
"Come on Kari, we can play tag outside."
"Mommy?"
"Don't worry, she's just tired. Let's go play outside and let her take a nap."
"But..."
"We can go get you a treat for breakfast, what do you say?"
"...Ok."
Thank you, Eiji. Thank you for taking care of her.
I don't know how long I lay there after he left, but when I finally got up, sore and bruised, it was completely dark. I held my kimono together and picked up my obi, then limped my way home. I passed Eiji in the living room, doing his homework by candlelight. He said something to me, I don't know what. I just walked by him to my bedroom, collapsed on the floor, and wept. Maybe he heard me, maybe he didn't... but I woke up this morning, feeling like a corpse. Dried tears clung to my eyes and cheeks, Kari was awake, but I didn't move, and I still can't move. I lay dead for a time I don't bother to keep track of. Eiji and Kari come inside, Eiji and Kari go upstairs, Eiji and Kari are in the kitchen, Eiji and Kari are outside again. I place a hand on my abdomen. I realize the high risk I have now of miscarrying my child... he was so rough with me.
I finally peel myself off the floor and sit up. A sharp pain races through my arm. I reach back and touch a caked-over wound, the one I had gotten from the chalkboard. I pull my hand away, forgetting it, and slowly raise my sore bones off the floor. I lean against the wall and pick up my sleeping robe, the one I had never changed into the night before. I slowly leave my room, take a few steps down the hall, and step into the bathroom, shutting the door behind me. I walk past the toiletries to the second door, and step into the bathhouse. I drop the sleeping robe on the floor and drag my feet to the tub, kneel at the pump, and begin pumping water into the bath. Every time I push down onto the handle my shoulder physically complains to me, but I continue until the bath is mostly full. I lean on the tub and stand back up, slowly pulling pins out of my tangled hair. It falls down in knots, and I don't tie it up. I allow my ripped and bloodstained kimono to fall to the floor, and step into the ice cold water, sinking into its midst. I hold my entire body under the water for as long as I can stand it, then finally come back up for air, shivering. I finally dare to look at my body.
I'm covered. I'm covered in bruises, bruises that cover my shoulders, breasts, hips, and thighs. The cold water is starting to numb the pain that radiates from my entire form, light trails of blood floating on the water's surface by my left arm. Something prods me from the wall of the tub, and I reach back to find it, but the wall is smooth. I lean back and feel it again, so I check my back, locating something sticking out of it. I pull on it and wince. Pinching it between my fingers, I rip it out, clenching my teeth together. I bring it to my face to look at it. It's a long, thick splinter, one that's two or three centimeters long. I must have gotten it from...
I drop the sliver of wood and cover my face with my hands, a new storm of tears coming. My tears provide warmth to my icy hands. I inhale sharply, the air running over my lungs unevenly. After several minutes I splash my red face with water, trying to cool it down. I look through my wet eyelashes to the yellow bar of soap at the corner of the tub, and I lunge for it, spinning it around in my palms until they're covered in suds. I scrub soap over my arms, over my stomach, face, legs, and hair. I force soap into the gash on my shoulder, the cut that should be wrapped up in a bandage. I can't tell how bad it is because I can't see it, and I don't want to. I take the soap and scrub myself again, rubbing my skin nearly raw everywhere I can reach. I streak suds through my hair until my scalp aches. I wash over and over and over again, the water in the tub foggy and opaque. I wash and scrub over and over and over, and never feel clean.
Once the bar of soap has dwindled to nearly nothing, I get out of the tub, trying to keep my balance on my freezing feet. I dry myself off slowly, hurting again as the warm air thaws my skin. I ring my hair out without combing it and put on my sleeping robe, leaving the ruined kimono on the floor. I return to my room, shut the door, and sink down to the floor. I don't have the energy to cry, so I don't understand how I keep doing it.
It's late morning… Eiji and Kari probably haven't had anything to eat, unless Eiji made something. I can't believe how irresponsible I'm acting. I slowly limp from the bathroom to the kitchen, my left shoulder throbbing painfully. I get down a pot and have some trouble filling it with water, but I manage. I put it on the stove and start up the fire underneath. I hope they're fine with just rice balls--even thinking about food right now makes me sick to my stomach.
As the water boils, I stare out the window by the sink. Eiji and Kari are just barely in my view. Eiji has equipped both he and my daughter with long sticks, and is still trying to show Kari a proper swing.
I focus in on Kari, watching her green eyes concentrate hard on what Eiji is doing and trying to mimic it herself. He says something to her, which makes her face light up with a smile. Her dark hair bobs around her cheeks as she jumps with joy, happy to be a little more like him.
My eyes start to water again. I know I need to be strong, but I can't control it. I see Kari, I see so much of Saitou in her… she represents so much of what Saitou and I have, and then… and then…
I pull away from the window, sobbing, leaning over the sink as a wave of nausea hits me. I feel sick every time I think about what he did. Why didn't I fight harder? Why couldn't I defend myself and run away? I cry so hard I shake, and I cover my mouth so no one will hear me. What will I tell him? How will I tell my husband, the only man I've ever belonged to, that another took me? Touched me? How can I look Saitou in the eyes and say this to him?
I stifle myself a bit and pour some rice into the pot on the stove. It cooks; I shape it into triangles and place them on a plate. I can't call for them, not without my voice being choked. I leave the plate on the counter and trail back to my room. I stop at the doorway. I can't just go back to bed; I can't just lie in my bed and cry. I have things to do, things I can't selfishly put off just because I'm sad. I turn away from the door and head back down the hall for the laundry.
I thank God that I don't have preschool today.
----
"…Tokio?" Eiji gently says my name as I brush through Kari's hair late that afternoon. I gave her a bath and dressed her as well.
I weakly smile, "Hai, Eiji. What is it?"
Eiji knows something is wrong with me, and not just from last night. I've barely interacted with he and Kari at all today, I've been distant, I've had a hard time smiling. They don't deserve my cold shoulder. Now I'm just doing my best to be a good mother.
I suppose Eiji just wanted to see if I was all right, but doesn't have the courage to ask me straight out. "I can take care of Kari for a while if you want." He says.
"Oh Eiji, that's alright." I let out a choppy sigh, "Did you not have school today?"
Eiji shakes his head. "No, until after tomorrow. I have a lesson at the dojo though." He talks much quieter than usual. I wonder if he thinks his voice will upset me.
"You can take the trolley there, I'll give you some money." I pat Kari's back after tying her obi. "There you go, Kari."
Despite what I said, Eiji does take Kari away and tends to her by himself, upstairs in her room. He's probably reading to her. I use the time to make dinner, which again is a simple meal. It's only fried rice and salmon, nothing special. I'm surprised I didn't burn anything, I kept dazing off in the kitchen. After dinner Eiji does the same thing, he takes Kari outside or upstairs, keeping her occupied. At first I was upset that e didn't think I could handle my own daughter, but I realize he's just trying to help me. He's trying to help me, since no one else would.
I finally give into my selfish desires and go into my room to cry. Every thought I have revolves around that man, every time I try to clear my head I feel my bruises, I feel him giving me my bruises. Every time I try to sleep I dream about him grabbing me, looking at me, telling me how beautiful I am. I wish so much that he hadn't said that. I can never hear anyone tell me I'm beautiful again; it doesn't match the ugliness I feel inside me. I don't remember ever feeling this horrible, even when I was plagued with fever for three weeks. I start to wish that he had just killed me, and I'm terrified that I would even think that.
My tears make me thirsty, and I suffocate myself trying to be silent. My eyes are dry and sore, even when I've had enough time for the redness to wear away. My entire body hurts… it hurts more than it did this morning. My shoulders hurt, even my robes hurts when it brushes against me. What's worse is that I can't even contain my own emotions. I feel so much anger, so much sadness, regret, despair, and hatred in my heart. It makes my body hurt internally.
I cry until I can't possibly cry anymore. I weep until I'm withered and so fatigued I can't move; until there isn't a drop of water left in me for tears. Then I lay there, staring at the wall, watching the faint changes in sunlight that dance off it. I lay there like a corpse, a useless corpse. My bones are stiff like they don't plan on ever leaving this place. My head is too tired to think.
--- --- -- --
At some point I moved to my dresser, but I hardly remember getting up at all. I just sit by it, leaning against its side, holding my robe to my arms to keep me warm. I'm staring at the closet on the opposite wall when he gets home. He walks into a quiet house—I haven't heard Eiji or Kari for a while now, but I don't think they've left.
I'm still watching the closet when he comes into the room, putting his Katana on the other dresser by the door. I'm sure he studies me, looks at me in my pathetic state, not even dressed, just sitting there like a piece of furniture.
He says my name, but I can't look at him. I guess I was wrong when I thought I couldn't cry anymore, because the familiar dampness brims in the corners of my eyes.
He steps across the floorboards and steps in front of me, blocking my view of the wall. The wetness grows, and a cold tear runs down my cheek. I hate myself for crying.
"Tokio?" He asks me in his low voice, though it doesn't really sound like a question. I still can't look at his face, only at his knees that placed themselves in my line of view.
After some silence, I speak. "I've been unfaithful to you." I say, barely above a whisper. Another tear stings my skin. "I…I-I'm sorry…" My voice starts to crack again, taking away any dignity I have left. "I tried to s-stop him, I…" my speech finally shrinks away to a pitiful cry, more tears running along my nose and jaw, "I t-tried to stop h-him… I'm not s-strong e-nou-gh…"
Saitou drops to one knee in front of me and grabs my shoulders tightly, making my bruises sting. I get a glance at his eyes, which hurt me more than his hands do, and I immediately close my eyes.
"Tokio!" He raises his voice in anger, "Who did this!"
I start crying more, his grip tightening on me.
"Tokio!" He shouts again, "Damnit Tokio, give me a name!"
"Oushige!" I cry out, finally looking at his eyes. "Oushige!" I yell again, almost in defiance, my tears not leaving any part of my face dry.
Saitou releases me and stands up, walking back to his katana and out of the room. He leaves the house, and leaves me sitting there, weeping.
--- ---
Hours go by before he shows up again, long after Eiji and Kari have gone to bed. I'm still sitting in the place he left me, my tears gone and my face stoic, the parts of my body that hadn't gone numb were cold. He comes into the room, shuts the door quietly, and does his routine of taking off his sword, belt, and gloves. I do watch him this time, but without an emotion, without a sound. His face doesn't have the anger it had earlier, but an expression that matched mine, his appearance the same as it usually is, only more so, if that's possible. I look away from him again and at my hands, which are loosely intertwined together.
Finally he moves over to me and kneels down at me side, taking a hold of the collar of my robe. I pull away at his touch.
"Tokio," he speaks calmly, "let me see."
I don't reply back, but look back down at my hands. He pulls my sleeve down to my elbow, exposing my shoulder, part of my back, and most of my breast. It's the shoulder where I cut myself, and I'm speckled with both light and dark bruises. I can't see what he's doing; I don't want to see his face when he sees my body.
He leaves, and comes back with a bowl of water and some rags. He returns to his same place and puts gently leans me forward, putting a wet rag over the gash on my shoulder blade. I wince as he cleans it, but I try not to show any pain. He proceeds to bandage me, and when he's done with that, he looks over my other shoulder and both my wrists. My wrists are bruised worst than the rest of me, minus my hips. The whole time he doesn't speak, and neither do I.
Once my inspection is finished, he pulls my sleeves back up and makes me modest. I still face towards the ground as he puts the supplies away. He comes back and straightens the futons himself, and takes off his blue jacket. Then he comes back over to me, kneels down, and pulls me into his embrace, holding me close to his chest and resting his chin on my head. I start crying again, but not as bad as before. He kisses my forehead and keeps holding me. He keeps me close to him throughout the night, keeping me safe from anything and everything the world has to throw at me.
--- ---
It wasn't until later that Muraki-san told me that Oushige had been arrested for assault, and needed the attendance of a doctor from his jail cell since he had been beaten so badly.