Droplets of "yes" and "no"

In an ocean of maybe

Breakfast over, the servants silently cleared the table. Tsukushi leaned back into her seat comfortably. Though she'd had no appetite, she had dug in with a will. She knew she had to keep her strength up. "Before doing battle, one must always eat!" There was no sense in changing that habit now, no matter that she found no pleasure in the taste of her food.

Though they were just dining now, the hour was, in fact, well past noon, and the day was fast slipping away. Rui glanced over at Tsukushi expectantly. He was just itching to sink into one of the hot spring pools that dotted the property. There was no greater pleasure in life than to feel one's flesh and cares melting away in the steaming water. . . Well, he supposed one greater pleasure might be found in the feel of Tsukushi's warm lips beneath his, or her fingers entwined in his hand, or. . . With a mental clearing of his throat to push these thoughts away – for now at least—he arched an eyebrow at Tsukushi.

"Do you think you can walk on your own yet? I thought we might go take a tour of the property, as I've never seen it before."

Tsukushi blushed scarlet, and nodded. I refuse to be that weak again! She berated herself silently, I'm not a child to need to be carried everywhere! Unsteadily, she got to her feet. In a flash, Rui was at her elbow. She fought the urge to shake off his supporting arm, thinking how embarrassing it would be to be seen acting so pathetic. But, she still felt exhausted, so she accepted the support that Rui offered.

"Where's my clothes? I can't very well wander around in my pajamas all day!"

"Why not? There's no one around but the servants and us."

Sometimes he can be so bizarre. Does this boy never care what anyone else thinks? Tsukushi thought there was something wrong with someone willing to wander around outside in their pajamas. But she shrugged it off with a sigh—There was just no explaining Rui sometimes.

"It's cold out there!" she even managed a weak glare up at the boy, "And I don't even know where my shoes are"

"Oh. Well, I could carry you." Rui suggested hopefully, yet with a teasing smile.

This time, Tsukushi's only reply was her protesting blush.

Still Rui gave in, and walked Tsukushi back to her bedroom to show her where her things had been put away. By the time she was dressed, she was feeling strong enough to not need his supporting arm around her shoulder. But. . . . he did seem to enjoy keeping it there. And. . . . somehow, the closer his proximity to her, the less her mind called back thoughts of Doumyouji and all the things he'd done for her. It was almost as if by looking into Rui's marbled eyes, she could force the depths she witnessed therein to drown out her recollections of Tsukasa's face; laughing, smiling at her, hopeful, trusting. . . And then, the image that burned the others to ash; cold-- frozen in disdainful non-recognition. As long as she lost herself in Rui's gaze she saw none of this. . . . The second she looked away, however, it all came back, cruelly stabbing her soul like a thousand knives. (

Please, god, she wanted to beg Take away my memories, like you stole his. Spare me this torture. Help me forget him, as he's forgotten me! And help us all; Rui, Tsukasa, Myself, Shizuka, Sakurako, Shigeru, even Akira and Soujiro, to forgive each other for the pain we've all put each other through. Almost as great as her wish never to see Doumyouji's blank stare, was her desire never to see the feelings of betrayal that she'd witnessed in her friends eyes when they caught her with Rui.

Oh shit! Tsukushi remembered just what she'd been doing when the door opened on her yesterday. I must be out of my mind! . . . I didn't? . . . I did. . . . I told Rui that I'd choose him. How can I do that when I can't stop thinking of Doumyouji? With a bitter snort, she realized, This is what happens every time! This time I will break the cycle! I can't go back to a man who won't even remember me. I will learn to love Rui. He's the only one who can help me to forget.

As she started for the door, her thoughts all in a muddle, she thought she could feel the memory of his yearning lips on hers. . . . Lips so different from Tsukasa's, yet ones that sought her with an equal, if often hidden, intensity. And that felt so good as they pressed on hers. . . .

"Ah!" Tsukushi was startled to find Rui lounging on the hall floor directly opposite her door. He'd obviously been waiting for her to get ready, but in the meantime—he'd fallen asleep.

Well, I guess he probably didn't sleep last night, after all. . . .

Tsukushi gazed fondly at the slumped-over boy, and knelt down to wake him, with her hand on his shoulder.

Rui's eyes were open in a flash, and his serene face broke into an angelic smile at the sight of Tsukushi kneeling so close to him. Reaching up to take her hand in his, Rui stood up, and helped Tsukushi back to her feet as well.

"Ready then?" Rui glanced down at Tsukushi. He still had not let go of her hand. And I've no intention of giving it up either, Rui thought to himself, almost as if he could read the thoughts roiling behind Tsukushi's eyes.

Tsukushi nodded, and the two went out into the bright sunshine. Tsukushi was oddly comforted by the feel of Rui's hand enveloping hers. And to think, I once thought his flesh was cold and heartless. No, Rui's not cold at all—he's not burningly hot, not like Doumyouji—but he is reassuringly warm. . . .Still, even this comparison brought Tsukushi's memories hurtling back to Tsukasa, The raging fire in his heart, that seemed to die when he lost his memory. He burned for me once. . . Am I letting all that slip away? Argh. . . . I just don't know! What is it that I want? What would I give for everything to go back to the way it was before! Somehow, no matter what I seem to do, I make my decisions too late. . . always too late to find happiness. . . .Tsukushi felt the tears beginning to well up in her eyes again.

As if he could sense the shift in Tsukushi's mood by the trembling of her fingers laced with his, Rui turned around to face the broken –hearted girl.

"Tsukushi…"

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to…" Tsukushi pulled her hand from his to wipe at her eyes.

"Let me." Rui gently lifted Tsukushi's hands away from her tear-streaked face. He couldn't stand to see Tsukushi cry—It always made his heart ache like it was about to crack in two. It didn't help that he knew exactly why she was crying. Damn Tsukasa!

Softly, Rui wiped away the last of her tears with his thin fingertips. How he wanted to hold her until she forgot all her pains, kiss her until she willingly became his…. Rui allowed himself a mental sigh of resignation, Now was not the time to be thinking such things. . . .Not until Tsukushi was stronger. Not until she had had time to make up her mind. Or for Tsukasa to regain his memory and come back for her, he added pessimistically. For now however, Rui satisfied his longing to kiss Tsukushi, by gently brushing his lips across her forehead.

Tsukushi felt herself tremble at Rui's light touch, and something stirred deep within. I could stand like this forever. . . .

That was not to happen. It would have been silly for the two of them to stand like statues on the threshold of the lodge for eternity. And Rui really did want to check out the hot springs. . . . Somewhat reluctantly, he pulled back and, retaking Tsukushi's hand in his, set off down one of the flagstoned paths leading out through the landscaped gardens.

Tsukushi let the crisp autumnal air flow through her lungs. The invigorating chill seemed to help clear her mind, lending to her thoughts the same clean clarity that it gave to the bright blue skies above. She felt herself let go of coherent thought as she lost herself in the beauty of the garden's fall coloring.

Here and there, bright red and gold maples swayed in the sprightly breezes, letting veils of their falling leaves dance in the air as the couple passed beneath their overarching branches. Dark pines added their clean scent to the air, and the pleasing rustle of sharp needles seemed to hum in counterpoint to the lapping of the maple leaves rubbing on each other. In short, it was a beautiful day.

The secretive path they followed wended its way to a secluded corner beneath the trees. Here it took a sharp turn behind a rugged, moss-covered boulder, and abruptly opened up into a small clearing. The yellow rays of the sun filtered down through the break in the trees to illuminate a steaming pool of water.

"Ahh. . . . " Tsukushi sighed in delight. What a perfect spot for a soak. She wished she could slip right in to the water now. And, judging by the look on his face, Rui probably felt the same way. . . Only, Tsukushi didn't have a bathing suit with her. And she sure as hell wasn't going to go in naked while Rui was there, even if he had seen her nude before! He might get the wrong idea! Just the thought caused a slow flush to creep across Tsukushi's face. "Are there more pools like this?" she quickly asked, to cover her embarrassment.

"Yeah, there's supposed to be several more. But the maid told me last night that this was the old owner's favorite. . . . want to try it out?" Rui was eager to slip in.

"Eh. . . wait. . . what about. . . Isn't there a girl's pools and a boy's pool?" Tsukushi stammered uncertainly, her blush deepening still further.

"Huh?" What is she getting so worked up about? Rui thought a few seconds, before coming to a realization, "You can't go off by yourself, you know—remember what happened last time you went hot-springing. You almost drowned! I'm not about to let that happen again!" Rui's unflappable expression grew stern while Tsukushi squirmed under his gaze. "But, I'm pretty sure there's supposed to be a collection of swimsuits for the more prudish guests back at the lodge." Rui grinned teasingly at Tsukushi's startled expression, "Shall we try and go find them?"

Gah! How does he always know what I'm thinking?! Still. . . it's a relief. . . .

As they turned back towards the house, Rui treated himself to one more glance at the waiting spring, and one, quickly squelched, selfish thought, Ah well, it would have been nice if she could lose some of her inhibitions. . . . No one ever said that Rui was perfect. He was after all, just another teenaged guy…

A short while later, Tsukushi and Rui returned to the secluded spring, toting the towels the servants had given them. (All the while exchanging knowing looks behind the teens' backs. . . .A teenaged boy, a teenaged girl, a romantic isolated spot, hmm??? You can be sure none of them were going to go near that spring while the two were out there. . . . wouldn't want to interrupt such a cute couple, eh?)

Tsukushi had found a simple jade one-piece that made her pale skin glow like ivory, And Rui was having a hard time taking his eyes off her. As they lounged in the bracingly hot water, he'd surreptitiously glance at her from under his long eyelashes. It was so difficult to tear his eyes away from her petite form. Sure, Tsukushi would never be called hot, and she'd never be as achingly beautiful as Shizuka, but there was something in her form that drew the eye. Perhaps it was the determination that etched itself in every line and curve of her body, or the vibrant energy that shone out of every pore. Even now, when she was at her lowest, she seemed to glow with an inner light. . . . or so it appeared to Rui. Still, again and again, he found his gaze being drawn to her face; she was beginning to relax as the water worked its magic. As Rui watched, the strain was washing out, and Tsukushi's features grew gentler and calmer. . . .

Little did Rui suspect that, in part, this transformation was due to Tsukushi's observation of him. On entering the pool, she'd leaned back, eyes half closed against the heat, and had tried to clear her mind. Unfortunately, she'd found that she kept staring off into the trees, thoughts slipping back to Doumyouji in a seemingly unbreakable cycle. But then, she'd caught her gaze wandering over to where Rui lounged across from her. His still form seemed carved from marble; like that of some Greek god. Rui was thin, it was true, nevertheless, his scant briefs revealed the state of his perfectly toned muscles, his broad chest. . . Tsukushi felt her heart beating faster and hastily wrenched her wandering eyes up to his serene face. The sight of this face had always had an amazing ability to calm her heart and set her at ease. . . . And it did so now. Tsukushi didn't know why those eyes had such power over her, unless, or that smile -- always there for her and no one else. The half smile that Rui now wore. . . . Tsukushi fixed on it, and lost herself in the shape of his warm lips, the way his whole demeanor softened when he smiled. . . . and slowly Doumyouji's face was driven once more into the locked closet in the back of Tsukushi's mind. . . .

To be continued….