Because I'm somewhere in between

My love and my agony

The boys were right to worry about Tsukushi.

Admittedly, she was trying to pull herself out of her funk, but, honestly, it had been a pretty severe couple of weeks.

Just think, only three weeks ago, four at the utmost, she had been happily, if a bit confusedly, sitting at a baseball game with Doumyouji. A few days after that, she'd been wandering the streets of New York in a heartbroken daze. And then, like a vision of salvation, Tsukasa had reappeared in Japan. Still, if it hadn't been for Shigeru's hasty intervention and kidnapping of the couple, he might have left again right then. Perhaps Tsukasa had been correct that night on Shigeru's yacht, when he told Tsukushi she'd probably be happier with Rui than him. Certainly, Rui was less likely to occasion the emotional roller-coaster that Tsukasa inspired. Even after the star-crossed couple swore to stay together, and returned to Tokyo together, the fates could not let well enough alone, and Tsukushi's passionate high had come crashing down around her as she watched Tsukasa battle back from the brink of death. . .only to find that. . . he could not remember her.

Does any one person deserve to endure such a wild couple of weeks? How many radical changes in your fortune can you withstand? It was almost as if the gods had decided to make of Tsukushi some kind of modern-day Job.

And indeed, that described the situation well. Her question, the same as that old biblical figure's-- would she survive these tests? Would her faith endure?

Ah, truly. And faith in What? In herself? In Tsukasa? In the Power of Love?

What a joke.

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Thoughts similar to these continued to swirl in Tsukushi's fevered brain long after she emerged from the springs with Rui. There came a point when even the angelic vision of Rui's countenance failed to distract her from her maudlin recollection, her internal rantings on the unfairness of it all.

Honestly, it must be said that Rui had miscalculated badly in his choice of places to bring Tsukushi. After all, she was at her best when busy, and here, in a quiet secluded retreat, there was nothing for her to do, but sit and think. Even as her body stewed in the restoring waters of the springs, her mind stewed in its own despair.

Rui should have known better. He should have found some place busy, some place distracting, where Tsukushi could exhaust her demons in a flurry of activity. Not here, where every need was instantly met, and every physical want catered to immediately. No, here all she could do was brood.

Her one salvation, as it came to seem, in the course of that dreadfully long day, was Rui.

Tsukushi had sworn to herself that she would choose Rui. For real this time. And it was true, she needed him badly. Every time her thoughts wandered off on Doumyouji tangents, it was Rui's concerned face that wrenched her back to the present. Reading deep into his eyes, she could almost see a nirvana of comforting forgetfulness waiting for her. All she had to do was become his.

As for Rui, he could not tear his eyes off Tsukushi for more than a second at a time. He couldn't help himself; in her weakened state, she was so very dependent on him, and so very desirable. Every parting of her lips, every glint of tears in her large eyes, called out to him to kiss her. If only she would stay focused in the present for more than a few minutes at a time!

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The afternoon passed slowly into night. Tsukushi and Rui dined quietly and companionably together in front of a blazing fire. The servants, under the semi-erroneous notion that the two teens were on a romantic retreat, tried to help further that atmosphere as much as possible, so dinner was a hushed affair by candle and fire-light. Afterwards, the servants faded unobtrusively to their own quarters, leaving Tsukushi and Rui alone again.

The two settled onto a couch to watch the flickering of the fire. Tsukushi was exhausted, even after so short a day, and stifled yawn after yawn, until, at last, Rui gave up on his dream of moving closer and cuddling her a bit.

"All right, let's get you to bed." He stood, and offered Tsukushi a hand up. She took it, and tiredly climbed to her feet. Even stumbling down the chilly hall to her room, Tsukushi's thoughts kept drifting predictably, and obsessively in one direction. She hardly even noticed climbing into bed, or the fact that Rui sat down next to her, until she was jolted back to reality by the warm pressure of his lips on hers.

"You were drifting again." He reminded gently, as she broke away.

"I'm sorry," She bowed her head, unable to meet the imagined reproach in his eyes.

"Hey, now! Didn't I tell you; you don't have to apologize to me! I hate all that stuff." Rui was stern.

"Sor. . . ah, damn." Tsukushi started to apologize again, but caught herself in mid syllable.

"Ah, you're learning!" Rui beamed, and unable to resist the temptation provided by Tsukushi's parted lips, leaned over to kiss her again.

"Hey! What was that for?" Tsukushi felt her cheeks beginning to color.

"I wanted to." This time, Rui stretched out a hand to cup Tsukushi's chin so that she couldn't look away from him. In response, she stared at him, almost hypnotized by the depths of his eyes. If I stare deeply enough, will I lose myself in them? Tsukushi wondered, Can I forget Tsukasa, the way he's forgotten me? If only it were that simple.

In that moment, Tsukushi would have given almost anything to be able to forget Doumyouji, even if only for a few minutes, and so she was unable to prevent the whimper that fell, almost without conscious volition, from her lips.

"Help me to forget. . ."

Rui paused, as if trying to read the sincerity in her eyes. But all he could see writ therein was a sort of pleading desperation. And he was so tired of playing the saint. Gods, it was so difficult to restrain himself in the best of times, when all he wanted to do was love Tsukushi, and make her love him in return. Now here she was, looking utterly kissable in her fragile state. How could he possibly continue to hold back when she was virtually begging him for more? He couldn't. Not when he'd been dreaming of her all day, watching her, taking care of her, and constantly by her side.

Slowly, he nodded, as Tsukushi stretched up to initiate a new round of contact, latching onto him as if her survival depended on it. Though he may have been driven by strong compulsions, Rui was in no hurry. He bent over Tsukushi, and gently, softly, but nonetheless insistently, kissed her quite thoroughly.

Tsukushi closed her eyes, as she let herself lose coherent thought; basking in the pure sensation of being kissed as she never had been before. Rui had been well taught by Shizuka while he was in France, of that there could be no doubt. It wasn't long before Rui allowed himself a little more leeway, and sprawled out next to Tsukushi, pulling them both down into the bed. While one hand still remained to cup Tsukushi's cheek, Rui let his other skim down her side, and around her back to pull her into his embrace. He had wanted Tsukushi for so long. And now—to have her melting against him like this—and she was definitely melting—it was almost as if fantasy had become real. If only he could put aside the unpleasant realities that had brought this situation about. And in his lustful daze, it was so very easy to forget reality.

Inside, Tsukushi quailed nervously. She knew that what she was doing now was wrong. But it felt so good. And she could no longer distinguish which was worse; the agony of knowing that with every second that this went on she was betraying not only Tsukasa, but herself—or the unbearable ache in her heart that Rui was distracting her from.

No regrets! She silently steeled herself, He's forgotten me. I will forget him! If this is what it takes. . . so be it. She opened her eyes again, as Rui drew back a moment, only to see him smiling at her—that achingly beautiful smile that had always had the power to turn her knees to jelly and make her want to do anything for him. It did so now, as well, and so, despite her doubts, her fear, and her shy inhibitions, Tsukushi let Rui proceed.

Still, as his slender fingers caressed their way up her spine and unhooked her bra, Tsukushi could not bring herself to do more than tremble, and clutch, white-knuckled, at Rui's shirt. Kissing her again, and murmuring reassuringly in her ear, Rui gently disengaged her tense hands and moved them so that they circled his waist. Deftly unbuttoning Tsukushi's shirt, Rui let his hands explore the silken skin that lay beneath, even as his eyes devoured her.

Tsukushi shuddered, as mingled waves of desire and terror washed through her, each melding into and amplifying the other. Rui would never do anything to hurt me. She desperately reassured herself while Rui's lips brushed across her sensitive skin. Anyway, it was far too late to turn back now. She felt herself losing all coherency in the flood of pleasure that built up inside as Rui played her body as skillfully as any violin.

Unconsciously, she moaned as Rui, half-lying atop her now, rocked his pelvis against hers—letting her feel how much he wanted her, and making her want him too. Almost without conscious volition, Tsukushi's hands began to roam the broad surface of Rui's back.

Rui knew he was damned. Damned from the very first time he kissed Tsukushi. He could not stop himself from what he was about to do, even if he had wanted to. It was an act as inescapable as death itself. He knew it was wrong, yet every nerve strummed by Tsukushi's hesitant fingertips sang that it felt so right, so natural to have undressed the woman he loved. To have her lying beneath him, eyes transfixed on his, as he too, surrendered his clothing, and led her into an act far, far older than civilization.

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Later, much later, they lay entangled in sleep. Rui curled almost protectively around the naked girl in his arms, his lips brushing her hair, even in repose. Though his face remained that of a resting angel, in his dreams the boy was haunted by guilt, and the knowledge that he had done a grievous harm to the girl-- no, the Woman-- that he loved. How could he claim to protect Tsukushi from the world now, when he couldn't even protect her from himself?

As night fled from the coming dawn, Rui woke from his troubled dreams to the sound of Tsukushi's muffled sobs.

To be continued. . .