Shigeru stared at Tsukasa. What else could she do?

"What. . ." She began, at last, hesitantly, "Have you remembered?"

Tsukasa sighed moodily, and stared off into the night. "Bits and pieces. Nothing seems to make any sense. None of it hangs together. First I was red-tagging. . . her.. . Then. . I think. . I tried to rape her? Did I do that? Can I even trust my memories? A few minutes ago, I heard Rui start to play his violin. Do you know what memory that prompted?"

Shigeru mutely shook her head. She was beyond shock at Doumyouji's revelations, and now had passed into a numbed state total acceptance as Tsukasa bitterly regurgitated the chewed bits of yesteryear's memories for her perusal. She'd never heard before of Tsukushi's red-tagging. . . much less, that other. . thing. And the realization that she knew her friends and their history even less well than she'd thought, silenced her completely. She was almost as afraid of what Tsukasa's new memories might reveal, as he himself, was.

Not even deigning to notice Shigeru's headshake, Doumyouji continued his self-absorbed musings, "I remember Rui punching me. In an Airport of all places! I can feel it almost as if it took place just moments ago. I can almost taste the blood in my mouth. I have to keep checking to make sure my cheek is not really starting to swell. . . Why did Rui attack me? He never fights, at least not physically. Or did I attack him? I don't even know that! All I recall are these useless fragments! So Intense, so real. But they don't tell me anything! All I know is that. . . She was there too. . ."

". . . I'm sure it will all come back, eventually, " Shigeru offered hesitantly, feeling the need to say something, anything.

"In spurts and trickles?" Doumyouji snorted. "How am I supposed to know what happened when? Or why? Can you tell me?" His piercing eyes swiveled back around to bore into Shigeru's.

Shigeru shook her head. If he had asked earlier, she might have supposed she knew enough to answer that question affirmatively. But now, she was beginning to doubt that what she knew of Doumyouji's and Tsukushi's shared history even scratched the surface of what was real.

"I thought not." Tsukasa turned away again. Alone in his sorrow and misery, for she could not help him.

". . . but at least I can listen!" Shigeru burst out. Despite all her previous vows to avoid him, to Not Get Involved, she couldn't help herself. When push come to shove, she wanted to be near him, to help heal him, no matter what the cost to herself. Less vehemently, she continued. "Even If I don't know everything, it never hurts to have a sympathetic listener. At the very least, you can get things off your chest! Try it. You might feel better!"

"And are you?. . " Doumyouji raised an inquiring eyebrow, recalling suddenly what Sakurako had told him previously about his short-lived engagement to this vivacious girl.

"Am I what?" Shigeru's forehead wrinkled in confusion at this sudden, oblique question.

"Sympathetic." Doumyouji explained impatiently.

"You know I am." Shigeru's shoulders slumped wearily, "No matter how badly you treated me, I always was. . . you can reject me as many times as you want, throw me out like a piece of trash, or ignore me like the most insignificant piece of dirt, but I'll always be there for you. . ."

Now it was Doumyouji's turn to freeze in surprise. He couldn't imagine what he'd done to win such devotion from the girl beside him. He only had hazy memories of her from before; of insignificant things, like eating lunch with the F4, an argument over nothing, and the vague sense that she'd been counted among one of his friends, or at least, among the tolerated circle of personal acquaintances. And now here she was, all but proclaiming her love for him, for all the world to hear. Even if she didn't sound happy about it.

As if life wasn't confusing enough already, without this new information. Doumyouji shook his head irritably. This wasn't helping. And what was he supposed to say to her now? Perhaps something like, 'I don't like girls, so you're wasting your time?' Yeah, that wouldn't go over so well, and besides, everyone assured him that wasn't true. . . That there had been one girl he liked. . . who now seemed to be appearing, with unsettling frequency in those few poor memory fragments he now possessed.

Instead, he elected to continue to sit in reflective silence.

Beside him, Shigeru waited tensely. At any second, she knew the words would come, the words she knew so well, 'Go away, you annoying monkey-face!' or something hurtfully similar. Really, it was all she'd ever heard from him before. Why should tonight be any different? And why, she ruefully asked herself, do I care so much that I keep coming back for more? Must just be stubborn perversity.. . .

But the minutes stretched on, and the expected words didn't come.

Instead, just as Shigeru was beginning to wonder if Tsukasa was still conscious, or if his continued silence was some sort of dismissal, Tsukasa spoke again.

"Tell me about Us." He demanded. "When were we engaged? What did we do? How long did it last? Why aren't we still?"

"Huh?" Shigeru sat stupidly, "You can't really care about that? It was such a brief engagement it hardly counts. Not even worth remembering, really." Unsuccessfully, she tried to brush off his questioning, but Doumyouji wouldn't be denied.

"I want to remember Everything. Tell me about it."

His tone brooked no refusal, and reluctantly, as if unwilling to admit to him her own hurt feelings, Shigeru began to tell the story.

-----

Inside the house, Tsukushi settled in for her bath. Alone, at long last, for what was really the first time in days. Here, in the steaming waters of the tub, she could forget the stresses outside, the friends and lovers who tore at her heart, drove her to the edge time and again. It was so hard to relax around them. No matter how kind they all were to her, they all expected something from her, almost demanded that she produce some magical answers to the problems that beset this tightly knit group of friends.

Tsukushi sighed. What answers did they really think she could provide? She didn't really know how to fix Doumyouji, any more than she knew how to put herself back together. Nor did she know what to do about Rui; his sudden bitter antagonism to Doumyouji, his excessive protectiveness of her; their newfound shared physical intimacy. And what about Shigeru and Sakurako? They both seemed to expect miracles from her, when it came to restoring Doumyouji's memories. Maybe it was only Soujiro and Akira who were truly sane around here. And even that was a dubious truth.

Well, thinking so much never got her anywhere. Tsukushi made up her mind. "Enough worrying about what might have been or what could happen. I'm just going to live each day as it comes. And the rest of them can just deal!" She reprimanded herself sternly, though she knew, even as she said the words, that it was a promise to herself she'd never be able to fulfill.

Tomorrow was Tuesday. She had classes to attend. And her brother would be worried about her. Maybe she would ask one of the boys to take her home tonight. (she didn't imagine they'd be willing to wake early enough in the morning for the commute back to Tokyo.)

"But what about Rui? What about Doumyouji?" An annoying voice in the back of her mind piped up.

"What about them?" Tsukushi asked herself tiredly

"What are you going to do?"

"I'm going to stay with Rui."

"And Doumyouji?"

"Is getting better all on his own. He doesn't need me anymore." She thought with more than a tinge of bitterness and regret. And that small insistent voice kept trying to whisper in her ears that she was just sticking with Rui out of some misplaced sense of vengeance. That her sleeping with Rui had merely been a subconscious desire to hurt Doumyouji for his complete rejection of her from his memory and from his heart. Tsukushi clamped her hands over her ears, as if to shut out the whispers that insinuated themselves through her skull.

"That's not true." She murmured, "It can't be true. I'm doing this for me, and not because of him. . ." If only she could make herself believe any of the comforting lies she told herself.

By now, her solitude was becoming far less of a comfort to her and more of a burden, so, with a final regretful sigh, Tsukushi climbed from the water, dried herself off, and donned one of the fluffy bathrobes left for her. Padding out of the bathroom on slippered feet, Tsukushi made her way to her bedroom, only to find Rui already there, waiting for her.

"Hey." He greeted softly, as he finished putting his violin away.

"Hey." Tsukushi murmured, not quite able to meet his concerned eyes, yet hoping futilely that he wouldn't notice.

"Are you all right?" In a flash, he was standing solicitously by her side.

"I'm fine." Tsukushi smiled weakly up at him, "I just think too much. And I'm tired. . . .I think I just want to go to bed."

There followed a brief and slightly uncomfortable silence as they both, as if on cue, looked over at the narrow bed that occupied the room. The bed that they were supposed to share. Tsukushi found herself trembling almost imperceptibly. It was one thing to say she'd stick with Rui. It was quite another to be forced to share a bed with him again, especially after the events of last night. Even if they had shared this bed before, in different circumstances, with no problem.

"Do you want me to leave?" Rui asked at last, unable to quite hide the hurt in his voice.

"There aren't any other beds." Tsukushi cringed mentally, knowing that this was not exactly the answer he wanted to hear from her. Quickly she rushed on, trying to cover up her mistake. "Come On! Are you tired? When do you want to wake up in the morning? Do you know where my pajamas are?"

"Tsukushi. . . . I can sleep on a couch."

"No." Tsukushi said, a little too brightly. "Don't be silly! You're sleeping right here. Unless you've got a girlfriend waiting for you out there?"

"No." Rui laughed softly at Tsukushi's attempted joke and bent down to kiss her gently on the forehead, "Silly girl. Nobody but you." With a wide yawn, he quickly stripped to his boxers and climbed into bed. "Goodnight."

"'Night." Tsukushi murmured in reply as she crawled in next to him and turned out the light. She could almost feel his heart beating next to her, the even rhythms of his breath indicating that he'd fallen asleep almost instantly. Uncomfortably, she tossed, trying to find a comfortable position to sleep, without awakening the boy by her side. But no matter how she turned or burrowed, she couldn't get comfortable. Couldn't relax. Couldn't get away from the fact that she was once more, sharing a bed with Rui. And though she tried to wrap her mind around the idea, tried to force herself to accept it as normal, as proper, as The Way Things Were Supposed to be, she just couldn't make it ring true.

And she knew, almost beyond the shadow of a doubt, that in this one weekend, she had ruined everything utterly and completely. She'd betrayed Tsukasa, betrayed herself, and Now, now she knew, she was going to break her promises to Rui. For while she would stick with him, try her hardest to be the girl he needed to her to-- her heart would never choose him, not the way he needed, the way she'd said she would.

Knowing this, was it any wonder that sleep was hard to come by?

To be continued.