The words you say never seem
To live up to the ones
Inside your head
The lives we make
Never seem to ever get us anywhere
But dead
"Let's go outside." Tsukasa abruptly pushed to his feet, wincing at the sudden pull on his bandages, and leaning heavily on his crutches.
Mutely, Rui followed him out, down the hallway, and out into the cool evening air. "So? Are you going to tell me or not? What do you really remember?"
"No." Tsukasa swiveled to face him, "You don't need to know."
"Damnit, Tsukasa!" Rui rarely swore out loud, so when he did, Tsukasa knew he was angry, but that didn't change the obstinate frown he wore, as he continued to stare at Rui, "I'm your friend. I'm just trying to help."
"Yeah? Help, how? Like you did when you stole my girlfriend?"
"This isn't just about Tsukushi." Rui spoke more quietly now, but the frustration was still plain in his voice.
"The hell it isn't! It's about nothing but Makino!" If he'd been healthy, Tsukasa would have considered taking a swing at his erstwhile friend.
"No. Tsukasa. This is also about the four of us. The F4? Remember us?"
"Remember what?" Tsukasa fumed, "You're not the Rui I knew. The Rui I knew wouldn't have turned on me, fought with me over a girl. The Rui I knew never cared that much for anything, or anyone. Except perhaps Shizuka."
"You didn't know me very well, then." Rui mused quietly, "nor do you now. We've been through this all before, though you don't remember. I've already done those things, been that man. Do we really need to go through all this again?"
"Fuck!" Tsukasa swore in frustration, as much at himself as Rui, "There you go again with the Memory shit. Nobody speaks straight anymore. Lousy bunch of friends you all are. All vague allusions. And the only one of you fuckers who tells me anything as it is, is goddamn Makino. Fuck this. I don't need this shit. I don't need you. I sure as hell don't want you around. Traitor." He spat the last word out, enjoying the release of tension that came with his rant, and turned painfully to limp deeper into the garden. He didn't care anymore, if he was going to do things his way, to heal and find his happiness, the first step was not putting up with his 'friends' and all the shit they deluged him in. Nor did it involve playing by other's rules. Rules were meant for breaking.
So what did Doumyouji do? He limped his way to the furthest, most secluded onsen in the entire grounds (a slow painful trek, but well worth it), and carefully stripped, before blissfully sinking completely into the spring. Hell, if he was going to die, or get an infection, at least he could enjoy the way down. After all, it wasn't fair at all, that his friends had been splashing around all weekend, as if taunting his frailty. Fuck 'em. Who needed friends anyway?
The hot water burned and stung his injury. But he didn't care. He didn't even mind the thin ribbon of blood mixing with the clear waters. Everything else around him felt good, just for this moment. The steam misting around his face, the dying afternoon light, the whispering winds in the trees. He was alone, and for the first time all weekend he felt good about his actions, good about himself. He was taking care of himself, doing what had to be done. Doumyouji braced his back against the edge of the pool, and allowed his eyes to slip closed, into a light sleep.
"Tsukasa! What are you doing?" A shrill, worried voice impinged on his conscious some indeterminate time later. Shigeru. Not the voice some small part of him hoped to hear.
"Taking a bath." He muttered, allowing his eyes to flicker open.
"I can see that!" She was standing at the far edge of the pool, frowning as she stared down at him, "What were you thinking? You know you're not supposed to be up and about.. . . And what about your wound? You could have drowned" She peered down as if she could see through the reflections across the shadowed water.
"I was fine." Tsukasa averred stubbornly. "I like it out here. Got tired of being in the house."
"I know what you mean." Shigeru sighed, and sat down to dangle her feet in the hot water, "It's quiet here, peaceful."
"Or was." Tsukasa shrugged, "Until you showed up."
"Would it hurt you to be pleasant? Just once in a while?" Shigeru turned away to hide the hurt in her eyes. She'd thought maybe, they'd had a good moment, last night on the porch. Was it too much to hope for another?
"Probably." Tsukasa allowed himself a small laugh. "Everything else seems to do."
"I worry." Shigeru kicked her feet, and started, apropos of nothing, "I worry about everyone. I think we're maybe the most dysfunctional set of friends known to man. I worry, am I going to be ok tomorrow? Are you going to be alive? Will Tsukushi smile again, for real. Will Sakurako stop being so vicious and scaring people off? Is Rui going to stop eating himself up with guilt? Will Akira ever find someone who will let him take care of them? Will Soujiro ever fall in love? Will we all still be friends tomorrow? . . . .Will I always be so lonely?" She trailed off, almost having forgotten her audience, "Oh, hell. Don't listen to what I say. . . When in doubt, there's always shopping!" Shigeru tried to cover up her outburst with a joke, and pushed to her feet, her embarrassment prompting her to flee.
"Wait," Tsukasa ordered abruptly, not giving himself time to process all the wishes she had spoken of, knowing only one thing, "Life is what you make it. Don't waste time in worry. Worry is useless."
"It's not that simple." Shigeru turned back, and Doumyouji could see the fading light reflecting off the tearstains training down her cheek.
"That's where you're wrong." Doumyouji painfully stood up and climbed out of the pool, deliberately ignoring the not-so-subtle way Shigeru watched him awkwardly pull his clothes over his damp body, with an almost hungry look in her eye—the look of an anorexic denying herself that candy bar her body so craves, "Shit. Should have brought a towel." He groused, cursing in pain as he straightened, tension pulling at his tender stitches. "Life is simple. All you have to do is forget about all that extra stuff."
"What extra stuff?" Shigeru hurried to give him her shoulder to lean on as they headed back down the long and winding path towards the house.
"You know." Tsukasa hated having to use words to explain how he felt. Words always made him feel stupid and tongue-tied anyway. "Like what other people think is best for you. Or what they think they know." This he had decided as he'd napped alone in the pool, "the only one who knows you, is you. That's the way it's always going to be. So find out what you can do, that you want to. And do it. Simple."
"But Tsukasa. . . " Shigeru stopped dead in her tracks, and swallowed the words that had been about to trip from between her lips, All I want is you.
"What?" He demanded impatiently.
"What I want," she sighed, "It isn't possible." She grimaced, as if in pain, "It never gets any better. All I do is repeat myself, And nothing changes. Even amnesiac. . you. . . . Oh bloody hell! Why can't I be the one who can't remember?"
"Trust me, it doesn't help matters any." Tsukasa laughed. "Apparently, I still want the same thing I did before, and I can't even remember why."
"Yeah." Shigeru murmured sadly, "I know." It was about as obvious to her as the screaming blare of an air raid siren, just what Tsukasa was referring to. "I know."
He just gave her this odd look, shrugged and limped on. He didn't understand people sometimes, and sometimes, he was just afraid to try.
They made it back to the house eventually. Night had fallen in the meantime, and Tsukasa was so stiff that he could hardly walk. But he didn't care. Pain was irrelevant. He felt good, in control again. But now, his friends were the subdued ones. Rui was on the porch watching clouds drift across the face of the night. Wishing on the twinkling stars. Sakurako, keeping self-appointed watch over Tsukushi's sleep. Akira and Soujiro, plotting together on what ifs and if onlys; schemes to bring their friends together or to keep them apart.
"I wish we were back in Tokyo." Soujiro whined
"You're just feeling horny."
"Yeah, I guess." Soujiro sighed and slumped deeper into the couch, "Hey. Maybe Sakurako will room with me tonight!"
"Sorry." The girl herself wandered in from the hall, "Been there, done that. So over, No going back."
"Damn." Soujiro grumped, then brightened. "Hey Shigeru!"
"Not a chance."
"You're no fun. Hmm. . . I know! Makino is single now, right. Maybe she'll take pity on me!"
"NO!" the resounding negation came, surprisingly, from two throats, Tsukasa and Rui, both.
"And you get a say, why?" Soujiro lifted an eyebrow at Akira' s surreptitious grin. More fun than shooting fish in a barrel, and just as easy.
"Because, because. .." Tsukasa stammered.
"How sweet. Even memory-less, he's still a jealous control-freak," Sakurako sneered.
"At least I know what I want." Tsukasa snapped back.
"To bad you couldn't have figured it out sooner." Rui murmured, his bitter voice almost inaudible from the porch. Could have saved Tsukushi a lot of unnecessary pain if he had. If only things had been different.
"Better late than never." Akira temporized.
"Yeah." Soujiro agreed, "Just think, Rui. Maybe you were the catalyst that helped him to figure it out."
"I don't think that was why he fucked her." Sakurako piped up again.
"Has anyone asked what Tsukushi wants right now?" Shigeru spoke up softly, reminding them, that nothing was one-sided.
"I want to go home." Tsukushi had finally woken up, and slipped into the room unnoticed, "And then, I want to go to school. I'm not a toy, and I'm not a prize. Not second hand goods to be passed on a whim. I'm going to do what I need. And right now, that means concentrating on what will get me through life. You know, practical skills. School. Anything else, I just let people down. Let myself down. I'm sorry, Rui, that I can't be who you need, I'm sorry Tsukasa, that I can't help you remember, that I ever hurt you like I did. You'll heal better without me around. I'm sorry, Akira, Soujiro, Sakurako, Shigeru, that I took up so much of your time, that I let you down. But I can't do this anymore. And I just want to go home. Now. Please.
"But, Tsukushi. . ." that was Shigeru
"Makino! You can't!" Tsukasa, of course
"Can't you wait until tomorrow? You can drive back with me." Sakurako, wheedling.
"I'll get a car," Akira sighed, exchanging a meaningful glance at Soujiro.
"Of course." Soujiro shrugged.
"Goodbye.. . ." From Rui.
And like that, it was settled. Tsukushi was packed, in the car, and gone, accompanied by Soujiro and Akira, before anyone else could get a word in edgewise, almost as if the duo had planned for such an event, or at least thoroughly anticipated it.
"What just happened?" Tsukasa shook his head, confused, after the three miscreants had disappeared. "I was going to. . . Makino. . . The hell?" He hadn't thought he'd be prevented from pursuing his desires, not so soon, not like that.
"I think you were out-maneuvered." Sakurako snickered. "Maybe I should give Soujiro more credit, after all."
"But, but. . ."
"Leave her alone, Tsukasa." Rui warned, "She needs a break."
"Because of you."
"And you."
"I didn't do anything."
"Hah."
"I won't leave it alone." Tsukasa squared his shoulders with an effort. "I'm going to get better. And then you'll see. What a Doumyouji wants, a Doumyouji gets. She can't hide forever."
"Some things never change." Rui shook his head, ruefully.
"Let's go home." Sakurako suggested, "No point in staying here now."
"Why not?" Shigeru agreed
"I'm not riding with Rui."
"Of course not, Tsukasa. You can come with me."
"Oh no. I don't think so, Shigeru." Sakurako laughed, "I know what that look means. You're going with Rui."
"What did I miss?" Tsukasa hated not getting the byplay.
"Nothing." Rui sighed, "Nothing important."
"Hey! I'm Important!"
"God, you're like a bunch of kids."
"Sakurako, you're the youngest one here!"
"In age, maybe. . ."
"Are we going, or what?"
"We're going."
And so they did.
TBC
- - - yeah! An update. And things will move faster towards an end now. (where by faster, I mean, each chapter will push closer to the end, not, unfortunately, that updates will occur any sooner). Really, truly, I swear. It'll be a miracle if this fic ever ends. But it will. It must. Damnit. I'm not obsessed. No, not at all. . . - - -