Things never seem to turn out quite the way we plan them. Tsukasa should have realized that. More importantly, you'd think Akira and Soujiro would have learned that lesson long ago, and stopped trying to scheme, at least where Makino Tsukushi was involved.

-----

Tsukushi stared at the piece of paper she held in her hands.

Things I love about Makino Tsukushi. It was Doumyouji's unmistakable scrawl. Heavily underlined, as if for extra emphasis. But beneath this, there was. . . nothing. . . She could see marks, as if he'd set his pen, then thought better of what he was about to write. Here and there, it looked like he'd started to write something, but whatever it was, was crossed out until no character was legible.

Tsukushi sighed. She should have known. It was over, and it wasn't worth her tears. This was just one more cruel taunt from a Doumyouji Tsukasa who had no need for her. She was a weed, and this was the winter wind, seeking to uproot her. But she would be strong, she would plant her roots elsewhere and she would survive.

Carefully, Tsukushi straightened up, squared her shoulders, and readjusted her bag. She was late for work again, and she'd have to hurry if she didn't want to be fired for good. There would be time to reflect on Doumyouji later.

--

"Dude, you totally fucked that up."

"What the hell were you thinking?"

"What was I thinking?" Tsukasa roared in disbelief, "Akira, you jackass, this was your idea!"

"Not like that it wasn't!"

"You were supposed to write down why you liked her. And tell her that. Not why you hated her. Moron."

"But. . ." Tsukasa started to protest. He had tried to do that. He really had. But it was just too embarrassing – too effeminate, to write that shit down. And he remembered, they had said, when they first sat him down over a couple of beers after he'd finally healed and returned to school, that if he wanted to pursue Makino, then he had to figure what it was that drove him on – both the good and the bad. That he needed to know for sure, if he really wanted that stubborn girl before he said or did anything. That she deserved that much. No more wavering. No doubt. So that's what he'd done! He'd watched and he'd learned. . . He'd learned that he hated many things about her, but he wanted her anyway. That meant it was really true. Right? He really loved her, whatever he might or might not remember.

"You're just going to have to go apologize to her."

"What the hell for?"

"For hurting her feelings."

"So? What I said was true. Those are all things I hate." Tsukasa protested truculently.

"Maybe you should apologize for being a jealous fool." Rui spoke up quietly for the first time since Tsukushi had run off.

"Rui. . ." Soujiro's low growl carried a definite tone of warning.

"What?" Rui looked up in surprise. "Don't tell me you didn't notice? I know I can't have her, I'm not trying to be mean. Unlike some, I know when to cut my losses and move on. But, did either of you actually listen to what he said?" Rui's voice roughened into a good approximation of Tsukasa's jealous growl, "The way Soujiro puts his arm around her. . . The way she smiles at Akira... . "

"That's enough!" Tsukasa cut him off before Rui could continue.

"No, Tsukasa, it's not enough." Rui scowled, "I hurt Tsukushi, I admit it. But I know I made mistakes, and I'm trying to atone for them. I honestly don't care any more what you think of me, so unlike these two idiots," He gestured irately at Soujiro and Akira, "I'll give you some good advice. Stop playing games. You were never that good at them anyway. All you do is make things worse. Either tell Tsukushi what you really feel, or stay away from her for good before you hurt her any more. Make up your mind. If you really love her, then you can't possibly be angry at her friendship with Akira and Soujiro." Here, Rui paused and sighed regretfully, "As much as I hate to admit it, those two idiots have been the only things holding her together these past weeks since your stabbing. If you loved her, you'd thank them." It was true, he hated to admit, that his silly friends had ameliorated the damage Rui himself had done to the girl he loved. They'd put her back together despite him. He hated it, hated the place they'd earned at her side, but he was a realist, and he knew enough to thank them. "So apologize to them, and apologize to her. But stop hiding." Rui shrugged again, "That's all I have to say. See you." He didn't wait for a reply, but simply turned and walked away, shoulders hunched against the wind. A lonely man, alone. Nobody's lover, and nobody's hero. Just himself.

"Well then." Soujiro glanced between Akira and Tsukasa, "Who knew Rui had that many words in him?"

"Hah." Akira barked a laugh, "And here I thought he might start swinging at Tsukasa again. Boy's sure got a temper these days."

"Shut up." Tsukasa demanded harshly. "Just shut up. Both of you. I need to think."

Akira raised an inquiring eyebrow. Think? Tsukasa can do that?

Soujiro just shrugged in reply, an eloquent gesture that seemed to say, Well, he can't do too much worse a job than we all have so far.

"I can hear you, you know." Tsukasa growled.

"What?" Soujiro protested, "I didn't say anything."

"You all think I'm dumb, don't you? You all think I can't do anything for myself? That I need to be warned and chaperoned all the time? Always talking, always plotting, Makino this and Makino that! I'm so sick of you all. Stop trying to mess with my life. All of you! The F4 is dead. All these years, and I don't know any of you anymore." Tsukasa shook his head in frustration. "Just leave me alone. You've done enough damage already. Stop messing with my life. I can live it better than you ever could." Tsukasa stopped suddenly in mid rant, "Why am I even still talking to you?" It was a rhetorical question, plainly, as he quickly turned on his heel and stomped off.

"Idiot." Soujiro hissed under his breath, "I wasn't doing it for you."

"Hush." Akira patted his friend on the shoulder, "Maybe he's right. Maybe we aren't helping matters any."

"You really think he can win Makino back on his own?"

"Honestly?" Akira shook his head, "Things can't get any worse than they already are."

"He'll never apologize."

"No, he won't." Akira agreed, "But she'll never give up on him, either."

"You think she hasn't already?"

"It's Makino. She's too thickheaded to get over him."

"I wish. . ." Soujiro trailed off, as Akira met his eyes and nodded. He sometimes wished the same thing . . . That Makino and Tsukasa would get back together or get over each other like normal people. This unnatural love was too strong for this unstable situation. Until there was resolution, they would remain in a hellish limbo of uncertainty.

---

Tsukushi cleaned the counter at the Dango shop for the nth time that afternoon and sighed at her reflection in the spotless glass. Fewer things in life more painful than a busy afternoon with a too-perky friend behind the counter with her, jabbering away about everything and nothing, while the customers came and went. There had been a time when Tsukushi had welcomed these moments of normalcy, an oasis in her insane life. But, now this felt unreal, so divorced from all the things and the people that really mattered to her. She loved Yuki, she really did; had been friends with her for ever, it seemed, but they'd grown apart, and Tsukushi couldn't seem to find her way back to the way things once had been. Now, her thoughts dwelled on Shigeru, Kazuya, Sakurako, Akira, Soujiro, Rui, Doumyouji. Her friends.

Another customer entered the shop. Tsukushi never bothered to look up until she heard the door close, the bell ring. Only then would she bother to look up, paste a perky smile to her face, inquire "How may I help you?" This customer was a harried-looking middle aged woman, with 4 small children in tow. All scrambling over each other in their greedy haste to peruse the display case and make their selections. Tsukushi had her hands full scrambling to assemble their choices and didn't pay attention to the next few customers. After all, Yuki could handle them, and those she couldn't, could just bloody well wait their turn.

Beside her, Yuki greeted the next customer, "Hi! How can I help? . . .Oh!" She paused, startled, and tapped Tsukushi on the shoulder, "I think this one's for you."

"I'm kind of busy here." Tsukushi mumbled, not looking up from the box she was tying. "Can you handle it?"

"Um.. . ." Yuki glanced back at the man behind the counter. Sometimes life would be easier if Tsukushi were a little less oblivious to the goings-on around her.

"I'll wait." Doumyouji spoke flatly, crossing his arms impatiently across his chest.

"Yuki!" Tsukushi hissed, slamming the change drawer on the cash machine, and handing her customer her change. Great sort of friend she had, abandoning her like this.

"How can I help you?" Finally, Tsukushi turned to Tsukasa, and gritted the words out. If nothing else, she could treat him like a regular customer, and otherwise pretend he didn't exist.

"So this is where you work." Tsukasa glared down at the moody girl in front of him.

"I'm sorry. I have customers waiting. I don't have time for idle talk. Are you here to buy something, or just to waste my time?"

Tsukasa glanced behind himself. There were no other customers, and Yuki was frantically gesturing to Tsukushi that if there were, she could handle them. Tsukushi sighed. The world was conspiring against her.

"I could buy this whole shop if I wanted to." Tsukasa mused, looking around at the shabby interior.

"So?" Tsukushi challenged, "Tell me something I don't know. You think I care about your money. I've heard it all before. So not impressed. Why are you here, Doumyouji? Come to taunt me some more? Does it make you feel more like a man to pick on me? Or maybe you're just too much of a coward to pick on someone your own size."

"Stupid girl." Doumyouji leaned over the counter to loom over Tsukushi, "You understand nothing."

"Yeah? I think I understand plenty." Tsukushi reached into her pocket and pulled out a crumpled piece of paper, "This says all I need to know. You can have it back now."

Tsukasa picked up the scrap, and studied his writing on it for a moment. "This says nothing."

"My point exactly. You've said all you needed to say. Now please leave."

"No. That's not it!" Tsukasa roared in frustration, slamming his fists down so hard on the display case that it almost cracked, "I love you, you stupid girl. It's driving me crazy. I should despise you. That would make sense. You're poor, you're common, you've stolen my friends and turned them against me, and you understand nothing! So sure, I can't remember what we were, or how we used to be, but I see you and it hurts. It hurts to know that my friends are so distant from me, because I don't get you, and I don't get your relationship with them. It hurts that I can't get close to you. So what if I don't remember anything? I don't have to remember shit to know what I know. I know that when I thought I was dying, you told me I had to live. And I did. I did it for you. I know that I like your cooking, though it's common as dirt. I know that I hate to see you cry, that I want to punch my fist through the wall when I see Rui touching you. I know that I dream of you every single night. And no matter how I try, it doesn't go away. So I love you. Does it matter why? Does it matter that it goes against everything I've been taught? No, it doesn't.

"I tried to tell myself it wasn't so. That I was delusional. That I was imagining things. That I couldn't love what I didn't understand. So I watched you. And, you know what? I still don't get it. Know what I saw? I saw that Everyone who knows you loves you. It's enough to drive a man insane. All my life, no one really cared about me except my sister, no one ever stuck by me, except the F4. And now, they're yours. I'm not stupid. I know that I'm lonely because I'm alone. But you, you're stupid because you're lonely when you're not alone.

"It doesn't have to be like that. Why do you do that? You're worse than I am. You gave me the hope to heal. You had faith enough in me for that. But you have no faith in yourself. If you did, you'd still be fighting, instead of running away from me.

"That's really what I hate, that you haven't got the faith in yourself to keep on fighting. But it doesn't change the fact, that I love you. And now, I've got the faith in myself to fight.

"I want you to know that. You can't run away. 'Cause I'm not going to give up. I may not be the Doumyouji Tsukasa that you love, or loved, whatever, but so what? I will win. So you may as well give in."

"Oh god." Tsukushi's knuckles were white where she gripped the counter top. This. . . She hadn't seen this coming in a million years. Behind her, Yuki was mumbling something about how romantic it all was.

"I can't. . ." Tsukushi finally looked up to meet Doumyouji's heated gaze, "I can't go through this all again. Not the roller-coaster ride we went through. Please, Doumyouji. You don't love me. You don't even know me."

"I know enough." Tsukasa growled, "You want me. That's all I need to know."

"I want the Doumyouji back that I knew. But he's gone."

"And I'm not good enough?"

"It's too painful."

"Or you're too much of a coward." Tsukasa taunted, "Afraid that you'll like this version better?"

"Not a chance." Tsukushi shot back, stung. She could never forget the Doumyouji that had hurt her, saved her, fought for her, so many times.

"Hah!" Tsukasa laughed, "You say that now. But I'll show you. Give me a chance, and I'll show you. I almost died, I know how fragile life is now. I don't want to waste time with games and distractions anymore. I want you, and I'm telling you now, that I'm going to do whatever it takes to make you see. I don't remember what I did in the past, but you do. So tell me. Tell me what mistakes we made. But for the love of god, woman, stop running away from it all! You don't need to hide behind Rui, or Akira, or Soujiro. You're stronger than that. I don't remember much, but I know that much. You're better than that. Any woman I love would have to be. Think about it." He looked sternly down at Tsukushi, but she looked like a stunned rabbit, eyes watery and wide with disbelief. He didn't think he'd be getting a coherent reply anytime soon, so Tsukasa turned and swept out of the shop. That had felt good. He'd gotten a lot off his chest. So much better than Akira and Soujiro's way. Makino would see he was right. He knew it.

-- -- -- --

"He really said that?" Soujiro was sipping a latte and listening to Tsukushi recount her encounter with Doumyouji. "Damn, got to give the man points for directness, if not for style, or subtlety. So what did you say?"

"Nothing." Tsukushi sighed, "I didn't know what to say. Like, a few minutes before, I totally thought he hated me, and then he just dumps that on me? What was I supposed to think? What was I supposed to say? I think I was just in shock."

"How about, 'yippee?'" Soujiro suggested, "I mean, this is a good thing, right? You love Tsukasa, now he loves you."

"But it's not the same Doumyouji." Tsukushi protested, "Don't you see? It's like, he's really Doumyouji's twin, with some similarities, but not the same. It'd be like dating Doumyouji's ghost. Like I was cheating on him, or something."

"Babe, you already cheated on him. Face it, the Doumyouji we all knew is gone. For good. Even if he were to remember everything tomorrow, he'd still be different. You know that. This whole amnesia episode, this whole near-death thing. It'd change him even with his memories, just having lived through these months."

"I know." Tsukushi sniffed, "It's just. . ."

"You don't want to admit that he's gone." Soujiro supplied helpfully, watching Tsukushi toy with her untouched drink.

"Yeah." Tsukushi breathed, "And that he's never coming back."

"But you've got a substitute, All psyched up and waiting to jump you."

"And all it does is remind me of My Doumyouji. . ."

"And all the stupid mistakes you made."

"I can't do it all again."

"You don't have to." Soujiro slugged back his caffeine, and sat a little closer, as if to impart some critical wisdom to the girl beside him, "Look, Makino. The mistakes you two made before; misunderstandings, jealousies, you running away, fighting all the time. . . It doesn't have to be like that. You know that half of the problems with you two was that you simply weren't honest with each other. You never told him what you feared. So this time around, fix it. You have a semi-blank slate. But you're not starting from ground zero here. You already know he loves you. Great. Work with that. Now you need to admit you love him. Go on. Admit it!"

"But, I don't know. . . he's not the same. . ."

"See, there you go again." Soujiro sighed, "With the doubt and dishonesty. Tell me your little heart didn't go all pitter-patter when he made his little declaration. Tell me you don't get all hot and bothered remembering the way he kisses and wondering what else he can do with those lips of his?"

"Nishikado!" Tsukushi exclaimed in outrage, her face blushing scarlet at his innuendos.

"Seriously, girl. You're not a virgin anymore. You don't need to be such a prude. So chill. But back to my point. What went wrong in the past? Number 1, you had a thing for Rui. OK, we got that out of the way already, Tsukasa is only a little pissed off about you sleeping with Rui, and Rui already told him that he needn't fear on that score anymore. Then there were all the other boys, you had around you; Kazuya, that weird foreigner, that politician brat, the model, that guy his mom hired. . . Did I miss any? So yeah, you got to make it clear to guys that you're not interested. That you got a boyfriend. Don't be stringing them all along. Don't be so oblivious to their intentions."

"Easy for you to say." Tsukushi interrupted with a bitter laugh.

"It is easy. All guys want to get in your pants. It's what guys do."

"You don't."

"That's cause my friends are in love with you." Soujiro agreed, "Plus, I get plenty as it is."

"Of course," Tsukushi added, "Doumyouji doesn't like that I'm friends with you and Akira. He thinks you're a threat. Does that mean I shouldn't hang out with you, now either?"

"Oh no." Soujiro laughed, "That, he'll just have to get over. Boy can't have everything his way. Anyway. On to number three, Kaede. She tried to fuck you two over, but now she's agreed to let you have a chance. So that's a huge help."

"If she keeps her bargain." Tsukushi muttered darkly.

"Hell, Tsukasa's alive. She should be happy. Besides Kaede always keeps her word. Tsukasa's mom is totally scary, but she's not a liar. Ok, number four; the honesty thing. A little communications skills go a long way. As the past few weeks have so plainly shown. That's a work in progress. But you can work on that. And so can he. See, how bad could it be?"

"Plenty bad."

"And you're supposed to be the optimist."

"Hah. Not an optimist, merely a survivor."

"Whatever. So come on, Makino, give the boy a chance. At worst, you'll find out that you really can't get along, and you can dump him. At best, you'll find that he's more like the old Doumyouji than you realize, and you'll love him like you used to."

Tsukushi shook her head doubtfully, "When did you get so wise?"

"Babe, I've always been this brilliant." Soujiro grinned encouragingly, "So come on, start slow. One date with him. One date. What do you say?'

"I . . ." Tsukushi closed her eyes, remembering. What was it Tsukasa had said? I almost died, I realize now how fragile life is now. I don't want to waste anymore time with games. He had almost died. She had almost lost him to that knife. Then she'd lost him to his own mind. Could she really stand to not take the chance on him this time? For all her brave words about moving on, about being a weed and growing by herself, could she truly give up, when offered the chance to start again? Could she lose him to her fear?

No. She couldn't.

Tsukushi opened her eyes, steeled her resolve, and looked firmly into Soujiro's worried gaze.

"Yes. I'll do it"

TBC