"Chevron seven, locked," announced Sergeant Harriman as the inner ring of the Stargate spun into place.
"Carter, tell me again where the hell we're going," said Colonel O'Neill.
"P3X-968, Sir," said the Major Carter for the sixth or seventh time that morning.
"And why didn't we send a M.A.L.P.?"
"There was a fire in the M.A.L.P room at O' nine hundred this morning. The sprinkler system put out the fire, but the door's melted shut and Siler's team still hasn't figured out how to get it open without putting another hole in it, Sir."
The Colonel, who was about to ascend the ramp to the Stargate, spun around and grabbed her by the shoulders, "Just tell me the M.A.L.Ps are all right," he said.
"Yes, Sir, I think all the M.A.L.Ps are undamaged," she said, amused by his melodrama.
"Good, that's good," he said, releasing her.
Colonel O'Neill turned and walked up the ramp and through the Stargate, followed by Teal'c, leaving Sam and Daniel behind. The two exchanged a glance, shrugged, and followed the others up the ramp and through the Stargate.
"Ok, this sucks," Jack said, standing in the middle of a room the size of his back yard. "Daniel, dial it up, I don't think we're gonna find anything in here."
"Jack."
"Daniel."
"I think you should take a look at this,"
Jack walked over to where Daniel was staring at the DHD.
"What the hell is that?"
"I don't know."
Jack, Daniel, and Teal'c sat against the far wall looking thoroughly bored while Sam studied the DHD. It was thoroughly confusing Sam, because the crystal that you push to open the gate was inverted.
"Sir, I'm going to try to dial it normally," she said.
"Go ahead."
Sam dialed up Earth, and was about the push the activation crystal, when it tried to bite her. She jumped back and cursed under her breath.
"Carter?" Jack said.
"It tried to bite me, Sir."
O'Neill stood up, and walked over to where Sam was holding her hand and staring at the DHD. He waved his P90 in front of the bowl. It bit off the barrel of his gun, tried to chew it, and then spat it out and growled.
The Colonel stared at the end of his gun in amazement. For once in his life, he was speechless.
"Sir?" said Sam.
"Carter."
"What do we do now?"
"I don't know. You're the scientist."
"Yes, Sir."
The team sat against the far wall of the room, puzzling over what to do with the DHD.
"Carter, you said that when you tried to activate it, it tried to bite you?"
"Yes, Sir,"
"Then maybe we should give it something to think about while we dial out. Got any ideas?"
"No, Sir," answered Sam.
"Nope," Daniel said.
"I do not," Teal'c said gravely.
"Well, then it's a good thing I do then isn't it?"
Standing up, Jack walked over to the DHD and pulled something out of his vest. Sam went to see what he was doing, and stood dumfounded.
"A granola bar, Sir?"
He gave her a patient look. "It's not just a granola bar, it's a peanut butter granola bar."
"Sir?"
"Watch," he said. Unwrapping the granola bar, he broke off a piece and dropped it in the bowl. It chewed for a minute as if thinking about what was inside, and then opened again as if it wanted more. Jack dropped the rest of the granola bar in, and the gate opened as if in thanks.
"Let's go home, kids," Jack said.
The End