I walked through the door with you, the air was cold
But something 'bout it felt like home somehow
And I left my scarf there at your sister's house
And you've still got it in your drawer, even now
Oh, your sweet disposition and my wide-eyed gaze
We're singing in the car, getting lost upstate
Autumn leaves falling down like pieces into place
And I can picture it after all these days
Autumn chill wasn't really something Gabriel was used to, being from LA, so he was glad to be let in the cozy New York townhouse. New England charm was another difference, LA was all modern and chic. The brick and the fireplace already lit with the smell of cinnamon in the air reminded him of coming home to his mamá making churros. "Mia!" Will called from the hallway, "we're here!"
"In the kitchen!" A voice called back. "I made homemade pumpkin spice lattes!"
'That would explain the cinnamon' Gabriel thought as he hung his scarf and jacket up. Will turned back and smiled at him, taking his hand and pulling him into the kitchen.
The drive later that week to Will's parents' house had been beautiful. The maple leaves had already changed but hadn't yet all fallen off the trees, it was magical to watch the fallen leaves getting picked up in the wake of the car. Will forgot the turn and they ended up driving twenty miles past his parents' street before he admitted defeat and used his phone GPS. Gabriel hadn't minded because it gave him an extra half hour to finish out the latest original cast recording he was making Will listen to. He smiled, holding Will's hand as they coasted down the road in a flurry of multicolored leaves.
And I know it's long gone and
That magic's not here no more
And I might be okay, but I'm not fine at all…
Gabriel couldn't find his scarf. He'd thought he'd packed it but either he didn't or it got lost in security at the airport. Honestly it wasn't that big of a deal, he was back in California now and wouldn't need it. "Hey are you ready to go?" Gabriel turned to see Will standing in his doorway.
"Yeah, just need another second to finish unpacking," he responded, giving a weak smile, Will didn't even smile back and instead turned to leave without another word. Gabriel swallowed and went back to unpacking. Also not a big deal, they were back on base now, they were soldiers again, not civilians. Still… It didn't mean Will couldn't smile at him.
Gabriel closed his eyes and took a deep breath to clear his mind.
'Causе there we arе again on that little town street
You almost ran the red 'cause you were lookin' over at me
Wind in my hair, I was there
I remember it all too well
They were driving back into town for an emergency egg and sugar run. Gabriel was still laughing as Will continued to defend himself from nearly running a red light. "I was distracted, you were distracting me!" He insisted, trying not to laugh himself.
"I wasn't doing anything!" Gabriel cried back in self defense, still in near hysterics. "Dios, eres un pendejo." He could see Will grinning at him in the side minor, wind blowing his hair into his eyes and Will holding his hand.
Photo album on the counter, your cheeks were turning red
You used to be a little kid with glasses in a twin-sized bed
And your mother's telling stories 'bout you on the tee-ball team
You taught me 'bout your past, thinking your future was me
"Mother!" Will exclaimed, face in his hands hiding the way his cheeks were fully flushed. Gabriel was smiling as Will's mom continued to flip through the scrap book, showing pictures of Will's first grade picture and he'd lost his two front teeth in the same week.
"No but we had to get the photographer to photoshop teeth in because he was. So proud of himself he refused to smile with his mouth closed," she continued despite her son's pleading. Will let out a mortified sound before insisting that he be the one to tell the stories at least.
Later that night when they'd both squeezed into Will's old twin bed - which really wasn't any different than the barracks - Gabriel asked Will to elaborate on his school years. Will smiled at him and Gabriel fell asleep to Will's voice, his last thoughts were how he could easily get used to something like this.
And you were tossing me the car keys, 'Fuck the patriarchy'
Keychain on the ground, we were always skipping town
And I was thinking on the drive down, any time now
He's gonna say it's love, you never called it what it was
"You drive this time," Will said, tossing him the keys, not anticipating it the keys fell on the ground before Gabriel could catch them. "We've made this trip often enough, you should know the way now."
"I'll use the GPS if I get us lost," he teases back, causing Will to make a face.
"It was one time and I haven't been back in over a year and I knew where I forgot to turn as soon as Siri pointed it out," Will whined and Gabriel snorted.
"That doesn't change the fact that you refused to admit you were lost for a good twenty minutes, cariño."
"Just drive," Will rolled his eyes, getting in the passenger seat.
"I'm driving so I get to control the music!" He said as he put the key in the ignition.
"You always control the music," Will says smartly.
"I didn't see you complaining when you were crying to On My Own." Gabriel shot back.
"I had something in my eye from where you insist on having the windows down," Will said stubbornly and Gabriel shook his head at his boyfriend's ridiculousness.
Gabriel sighed and started the car, pulling up Little Shop on his phone. Will liked it even though Gabriel knew he'd insist that he didn't. He was hoping they could go see a show before they had to go back to California. He was sure Will would love it even if it was another thing he drug his feet on.
"You're so over dramatic," Will said, shaking his head as Gabriel sang everyone's part, even Audrey's. Their hands were clasped together and Will was mindlessly rubbing his thumb over his knuckles.
"You love it," Gabriel retorted, looking over at Will to see his response. 'Please say it, please say that you love it, that you love me.' Will just laughed and rolled his eyes.
'Til we were dead and gone and buried
Check the pulse and come back swearing it's the same
After three months in the grave
And then you wondered where it went to as I reached for you
But all I felt was shame and you held my lifeless frame
And I know it's long gone and
There was nothing else I could do
And I forget about you long enough
To forget why I needed to
"Congratulations sir," Gabriel said as they shook hands. "Or should I say Lieutenant colonel?"
"Thank you Sargent," Will said, his smile was no different from the one he was giving to everyone else congratulating him. Will hadn't given him a real smile for a while now.
"A true congratulations to you Lieutenant colonel!" One of Will's friends from his own barracks said. "This promotion was well deserved Bill, you're one of the hardest working one of us and it's been about damn time for brass to notice!"
"I appreciate that, but really the honor goes to my men as much as it does me. A leader is only as good as his team." Will raised his glass in toast to everyone. Gabriel couldn't even find it in himself to be happy on a basic level.
The last time they snuck off on a date had been months ago, they didn't even really hang out, and the last time they'd slept together had been more than two weeks ago. Gabriel was tired of feeling ignored especially as their relationship rotted in its grave and Will didn't even have the manners to speak to him about it.
He watched Will talk and joke with his friends, not once had he looked at Gabriel except for when they were directly addressing each other. Gabriel wasn't going to stay where he wasn't welcome anymore. It's not like Will would notice his absence anyway, he was already getting drunk with his buddies.
Gabriel stayed for as long as he needed to to not look rude and left. He got to the hallway to his room when he suddenly heard Will calling after him. "Gabe- Gabe! Wait up! Where are you going?"
Against his better judgement he turned around. "What do you want, Will?" He asked, crossing his arms.
"You left and I hadn't even talked to you yet," Will was grinning, obviously already slightly buzzed.
"You didn't talk to me when I was there," he pointed out, not letting Will try to talk his way out of it.
"I was busy talking to friends," Will started to make the same excuses and Gabriel scoffed, turning to go to his room. "Hey hey hey," Will said, grabbing his arm. "I'm sorry- I'm sorry, I'm sorry okay?"
"Like I haven't heard that before," Gabriel said angrily, trying to shake himself loose from Will's grip.
"No I am, I am okay? I'm sorry I didn't talk to you when you were there, I should've talked to you." Will continued babbling, even though he didn't really sound like he was sorry.
"Will let me go, you've been drinking and you're just saying stuff," Gabriel hissed, finally freeing himself.
"But I am! I am, okay? I love you, I love you Gabe, I'm sorry, I love you," Will blurted out and Gabriel froze, his breath hitching. Suddenly he couldn't look at Will anymore. "Gabe? Gabe. What? You can't even look at me? I say I love you and you can't even look at me?!"
He flinched, looking up, "I'm sorry," slipped through his lips before he could think about it.
"Nononononono," Will said, reaching out for him. "Gabe I'm sorry, I'm sorry okay? I'm sorry, I love you."
This time he didn't pull away and Will pulled him into his arms and began kissing him. "I love you, I love you, I love you, and I'm sorry, I'm so sorry," Will cooed between kisses. Even as they were in bed, for the rest of the night the only thing Will seemed to be able to say was his name between 'I'm sorry' and 'I love you'.
Despite having technically everything he wanted he felt dead inside. Laying on Will's chest he thought about how he would've killed for this only a few months ago but now it was like he almost felt embarrassed or even dirty. "Go to sleep babe, I can hear you thinking," Will mumbled, shifting a little to wrap his arms around his limp body. Gabriel closed his eyes as if he could just pretend, already knowing he'd take Will back.
'Cause there we are again in the middle of the night
We're dancing 'round the kitchen in the refrigerator light
Down the stairs, I was there
I remember it all too well
And there we are again when nobody had to know
You kept me like a secret, but I kept you like an oath
Sacred prayer and we'd swear
To remember it all too well, yeah
"So you just thought you could sneak out for ice cream and not ask me to join you?" Gabriel asked from the kitchen door frame. Will whips around red handed, spoon and bowl in hand as a tub of Häagen-Dazs sits on the counter, the freezer door still open.
"What if I was getting ice cream for the both of us?" Will asked, obviously lying as he slowly moved to close the freezer door. Gabriel raised an eyebrow at the childish excuse before walking over and wrapping his arms around Will's neck.
"I would say 'that's very sweet of you,' if that were true," he answered, not giving Will the satisfaction of getting away with his sweet talk.
"How did you even know I was leaving anyway?" Will asked, groaning and putting up a fake pout. "I know where the creaky stairs are."
Gabriel snorts and shakes his head, "I'm sure it had nothing to do with being in the military and being trained to be alert at all times."
"Well it's not like I'm not offering you ice cream now," Will said, putting the bowl and spoon down and opening the fridge to pull out what Gabriel guessed was either whipped cream or some type of syrup topping. "Y'know if you'd let me go anyways."
"No," Gabriel said stubbornly, holding onto Will tighter causing him to chuckle.
"Come here," Will muttered, unhooking Gabriel's arms and taking his hands, intertwining their fingers. Gabriel grins at him as Will starts swaying them, not even bothering to close the fridge door.
"Don't think you're getting out of trying to have ice cream without me," Gabriel giggled as Will led them offbeat to whatever melody he had in his head.
"Shhh," Will hushed him, causing Gabriel to laugh more. "Less talk-y more dance-y."
Later after they finally did have ice cream and Will made some truly stupid comments about chocolate syrup, they tiptoed back upstairs and wedged themselves back into Will's bed. Gabriel laid on Will's chest, Will's hand gently stroking his back, tracing along his spine. Gabriel hummed contently, peppering a few kisses on Will's collar bone as their bare legs intertwined underneath the sheets.
Suddenly a phone ring went off, startling both of them. It took Gabriel a second to realize it was Will's ringtone. "Shitshit! Sorry sorry sorry," Will whispered, reaching for his phone on the bedside table, rubbing Gabriel's back trying to calm him down.
"What?!" He hissed, answering the call. Gabriel looked up at him, his face illuminated by the phone screen. "I'm sleeping dick! Why're you calling at 'what the fuck-thirty' Mr. Obviously-doesn't-understand-time-zones?! Yeah.. yeah I'm visiting my family you know that!" Gabriel wondered who had called, it was obviously one of his friends who was still back on base in the west coast time zone. "Yeah I'm just catching up with my family and old friends… yeah I'm staying at my parents house… no that's all I'm doing… is that seriously all you called for?!" With that Will hung up and slapped his phone back down on the side table. Gabriel stiffened a little but didn't say anything. Will hadn't said anything about him. Technically he couldn't because they'd get in trouble for fraternization, but he didn't even say he was with a significant other or anything like that, like he didn't even want to admit he was in any type of relationship. The thought made Gabriel nauseous and he didn't like it.
"Sorry about that, dipshits," Will muttered, kissing the top of his head. "Just-just go back to sleep okay?"
"You didn't tell them about me," Gabriel said before he could stop himself.
"What?" Will asked in bewilderment.
"You didn't tell them you were with me, or not- with me but with your boyfriend," he explained.
"Jesus Gabe, really? Is that something you're going to get upset about?" Will groaned. "That I didn't cryptically tell my obnoxious dumbass friends I was you?"
"No- I'm not upset- well I might be a little I just- it just seemed like you might be ashamed of me? Of us?" He stumbled over his words realizing how stupid he sounded by the second.
"Hey hey hey, no- shhh," Will hushed him. "That's not it, that's not it at all I promise okay? I just wanted to hang up and go back to sleep. Stop thinking so hard would you?"
"Yeah, yeah, sorry…" he apologized, it was the middle of the night and they were both tired, there was no reason he should give Will grief over something pedantic.
"Hey, no, that's not what I meant," Will said. He cupped Gabriel's jaw and kissed it, stroking his cheek with his thumb. "You get so caught up in your own thoughts, just stay here for once with me, yeah? Enjoy this moment we have together while we have it, alright?"
Gabriel smiled and nodded, "Okay, just the two of us." Will chuckled and kissed him. Gabriel fell asleep with Will's arms securely around him and listening to the slow thump of Will's heart.
Well, maybe we got lost in translation
Maybe I asked for too much
But maybe this thing was a masterpiece
'Til you tore it all up
Running scared, I was there
I remember it all too well
And you call me up again just to break me like a promise
So casually cruel in the name of being honest
I'm a crumpled up piece of paper lying here
'Cause I remember it all, all, all
"Hi Will… I- um- I know I've called you like seven times this week," Gabriel laughed nervously, Will hadn't answered any of his calls or text messages, not even a 'yes/no' or 'sorry busy can't talk'. "I was just checking to see if you were coming to my graduation ceremony, you know how I had dual credits from highschool? Yeah I'm graduating early. The Colonel's going to be there and he said something to me earlier about recruiting me for special operations training after I'm officially promoted. I know you've been closer to him after your promotion and I… I would also just like you there please? Because you know- well it's important to me. Anyway, whenever you can, answer back please? Thanks…"
Gabriel took a hard swallow as he hung up. It didn't seem like Will was going to be attending… he knew Will was busy with the promotion but he didn't think it was too much to ask for either. He was under Will's battalion and graduating early, one would think a CO would want to attend such an event of one of their best performing subordinates. Especially with Colonel Moore attending to talk to him with a special post-promotion offer.
He looked at his phone to see if Will had even texted back. His lock screen stared back at him, it was a picture of him and Will. It was from a movie night when the Boy Scout popcorn donations came in, because it had been a group activity and he had plenty of other pictures of him with his other friends, the picture itself was inconspicuous enough. But Gabriel had always particularly loved it because it had been one of the rare times Will had publicly been close to him, sharing popcorn and sitting together as they watched whatever had been the latest release at the time. Back then it seemed like everything was… perfect. Now he looked at them and saw the shredded remains of what once had been.
His phone rang, catching him by surprise causing him to almost drop it. It was Will. Gabriel fumbled to answer it before Will gave up and hung up. "Hello? Will?" He asked, wincing at himself and how desperate he sounded.
"Yeah, Gabe?" Will answered, he sounded irritated. Gabriel wanted to hang up but he stood frozen in place. "I don't think I'll be able to make it to your graduation. I'll be too busy, y'know?"
"Yeah, yeah- um- no, yeah. I get that." Gabriel said, he could feel himself shaking.
"You're not going to be upset about that are you?" Will asked, he sounded bothered that he was having to go through the effort of calling. "Because you seem really clinging about this? I mean you've like blown up my phone with missed calls and voicemails and texts. And I don't want you to be upset y'know, I don't want to upset you when I can't do anything about it. You're going to be fine if I don't show up to this thing right?"
Gabriel couldn't breathe. "Yeah no I'll be fine sorry for bothering you about this I won't call you or text anymore bye Will," he said in one breath before immediately hanging up. His whole body felt numb.
A gasp of air left his body and he felt his knees buckle, his phone at some point abandoned on the floor. He couldn't hold back the sobs as he curled up in the middle of his room. He stayed on the floor missing dinner until someone knocked on his door telling him it was quiet hours. Exhausted and hungry he managed to drag himself into his bed but sleep never found him and he was still awake and staring dissociatively at the wall when his alarm went off.
They say all's well that ends well, but I'm in a new Hell
Every time you double-cross my mind
You said if we had been closer in age maybe it would have been fine
And that made me want to die
The idea you had of me, who was she?
A never-needy, ever-lovely jewel whose shine reflects on you
Not weeping in a party bathroom
Some actress asking me what happened, you
That's what happened, you
You who charmed my dad with self-effacing jokes
Sipping coffee like you're on a late-night show
But then he watched me watch the front door all night, willing you to come
And he said, "It's supposed to be fun turning twenty-one"
Despite the fact that he was actively trying to avoid him, Will kept popping up in Gabriel's life. For one, everyone kept congratulating him for his early graduation and saying how Will must've been so proud.
Will was at the promotion ceremony, probably because he was required to be there to present the insignia. Gabriel didn't want to talk but Will grabbed his shoulder before he could walk away.
"Hey, you're not upset about the graduation thing right? You said you weren't going to be upset about that." He was smiling fake and overly friendly, Gabriel wanted to knock his teeth out. "Look I think we should officially call it quits, y'know? It's just that I'm being moved out to Dubai next quarter and the Colonel wants to recruit you for whatever the hell it is, and- look I mean nothing against you but if I stayed in contact with you it would look suspicious y'know? I mean you just graduated and I'm a decorated senior officer, plus I'm like your superior officer by like five ranks. If you had been like a senior officer when we met I might've requested that they keep me domestic y'know?"
Gabriel didn't know what his face looked like but he wanted to floor to crack open and swallow him into an abyss. He wasn't even allowed to answer because the Colonel came up to congratulate Will on Gabriel's achievements. "You must be so proud Petras," Colonel Moore said, holding his hand out to Will. "I mean not only do you got a smart cookie graduating with honors but this kid had the best scores coming outta basic that I've ever seen from his generation."
Will laughed and removed his hand from Gabriel's shoulder to shake the Colonel's. "I really couldn't be any prouder Colonel. Reyes here is everything a CO could ask for. You tell him to jump and he'll ask how high. Obedient to a fault, just give him a command and he'll execute no questions asked." The two other men laughed and Will put his hand back on Gabriel's shoulder. He felt like a shiny new weapon Will was showing off and not a person who had achieved his own accomplishments on his own merit, who had value outside of his technical military prowess.
Had that really been all Will ever saw him as? A nice obedient subordinate with impressive stats that Will could bask in the glory of?
Gabriel couldn't listen to himself being talked about like that. Without excusing himself he rushed into the nearest bathroom and threw up in the toilet. The taste of acid burned the back of his throat as he hadn't had anything to eat, only a flute of champagne to sip on. Tears pricked his eyes and he pretended like it was from throwing up. 'Goddamnit Will. Goddamnit! God. Damn. You.'
He didn't hear the bathroom door open behind him and was startled when a gentle hand pressed on his back. "Are you okay?" The person asked, his voice gruff and a bit deeper than expected. Gabriel didn't answer and continued crying over the toilet. 'Goddamn you Will. Goddamn you.'
"Wow, I never thought Gabi would ever bring home a gringo," Claudia said, smirking at Will from across the table and earning a glare from her brother.
"Claudia! No seas grosero!" Their mamá scolded, which she ignored.
"I don't think he's that bad," Marcia said, not even looking at Will, too preoccupied with fishing the last of her churro out of her mug of cocoa. "Definitely could've done worse, Gabi."
"Your confidence is reassuring," Will joked, squeezing Gabriel's hand under the table.
"Oh you haven't passed yet white boy," Claudia continued. "If you think I'm just going to let anyone date mi hermanito then you're sorely mistaken."
"Claudia just drink your cocoa," Gabriel groaned. He loved his sisters but sometimes Claudia could be a bit much.
"Claudia doesn't mean any of that," his mamá said, "she just likes to tease Gabi."
"No, it's fine," Will laughs. "I like it, and I'm up for a challenge."
The night ended with Will chugging down a whole pint of milk after Marcia dared him to try a spoonful of their mamá's homemade hot sauce and Claudia told him he was too white to handle it.
"You know, I don't think he's that bad actually," Claudia told him as they were getting ready to head back to base. "I mean he might've sworn his way through it but he's still here. I'd like to see Marcia's boyfriend do it and not run home crying."
"Marcia's boyfriend is fourteen, he's a kid, but thanks for your actual vote of confidence," Gabriel said.
Claudia grinned. "You know I'm just looking after you."
"Ready to go?" Will asked, walking up and taking his hand. His face was still flushed red and he was sipping at a bottle of water.
"It was nice to meet you, Will. Charming even," Claudia said, holding her hand out.
Will took it with a triumphant look, "the pleasure was mine."
"He's a keeper," she whispered in his ear as she kissed his cheek goodbye.
"Where's your white boy?" Claudia asked, walking up to him with a cup of punch she'd probably spiked with her own tequila. "He wasn't at the ceremony, you've been helplessly looking around the room all night like a lost puppy. Where is he and why is his ass so late to your fucking graduation?"
"It's nothing Claudia, leave me alone," Gabriel said, not looking her in the eyes. He hadn't told anyone Will had said he wasn't coming. A part of him had hoped that Will would manage to come anyway. He'd hoped he hadn't looked desperate but obviously he hadn't succeeded.
"What, is he not coming?" She demanded. His silence gave her everything. "Oh Gabi, I'm so sorry." She said hugging him.
"Please don't tell Mamá," he begged, hugging her back.
"Like hell I'm not going to tell her!" She said, pulling away. "Gabi, this is your graduation! He's your boyfriend, he should be here for you!"
"Claudia please, really, it's not a big deal. He's busy oaky?" He tried to reassure her.
"He's too busy for you?! With what? What's more important at this very moment?" She looked incredulous and insulted.
"He just is okay? He just got promoted and he has new responsibilities and-"
"That's not an excuse to not be here for you!" She interrupted him. "This is your night Gabi, you should be havin fun and getting drunk and spending it with the people who care about you."
"I thought- I thought maybe he'd come anyway, as like a surprise. That any moment he'd come in late apologizing…" he admitted.
Claudia put her drink down and hugged him again and Gabriel allowed himself to cry in his older sister's arms.
Time won't fly, it's like I'm paralyzed by it
I'd like to be my old self again, but I'm still trying to find it
After plaid shirt days and nights when you made me your own
Now you mail back my things and I walk home alone
But you keep my old scarf from that very first week
'Cause it reminds you of innocence and it smells like me
You can't get rid of it
'Cause you remember it all too well, yeah
Gabriel walked into his new room, the layout and size was similar enough that it was almost like he hadn't moved at all. He left his duffle in front of the doorway and sat down on the bed, letting out a shaky breath. A new place had never felt so overwhelming to him before, even when he first joined and was put through the hell of basic. But the past couple weeks had been nothing but a blur to him, he barely remembered packing his things and getting on the plane and suddenly he was walking off the bus to Cherry Point. Instead of unpacking he pulled his legs up to his chest in a hug and sat there until it was time for dinner.
Gabriel looked around the cafeteria trying to find an empty table. Usually he was social and constantly seeking out other people to be around but he hadn't sat with one person since he had arrived, more often than not skipping meals altogether just so he didn't have to socialize. He still hadn't unpacked fully either, his duffle still sitting at the edge of his bed.
He kept getting turned around, walking into the wrong rooms, getting hallways mixed up and sometimes flat out bumping into walls because he just couldn't get the new base layout right. It was like his body was still stuck in Pendleton and any moment he'd turn a corner and Will would be there, talking to one of his friends or flirting obnoxiously with whoever was walking by him.
He couldn't sleep and it was affecting his performance. Everything he did felt mechanical and his training stats began dropping because his reflexes were slower and he couldn't focus. He knew there were probably visible bags under his eyes by this point.
It wasn't like he couldn't sleep without Will, but every time he closed his eyes… he could still feel the ghost touches from their nights together, could hear Will's voice whisper in his ear as real as if he were there with him again and everything else was a horrible nightmare, like he just had to open his eyes and turn over to see Will sleeping next to him lightly snoring.
The package felt like a lead weight in his hands. He knew exactly what it was the moment he saw it on the counter waiting for him. Post office had called him saying he had a delivery that had arrived weeks ago that he still hadn't picked up. Will had mailed back all of his stuff. Gabriel didn't even know what there was to give back, their relationship hadn't been very public in the first place so gifts were few and far between for them. He got his answer when he ripped the tape off and opened the box.
All of his cast recording album CDs he'd given Will because Mia had an old CD player and he was hoping Will would listen to them outside of the car when Gabriel forced him to. A Halloween beer cozy that said "It's boos season" with 'boos' crossed out and replaced with 'booze' he'd gotten Will after the older man said he thought people who excessively liked Halloween were crazy. Several Día de Los Muertos kitsches he'd gotten as a joke after Will had asked him what Día de Los Muertos even was besides 'Mexican Halloween' when he'd originally asked if Will would like to celebrate it with him. The rest were other miscellaneous items with less importance. It stung to think that Will hadn't really cared about any of his interests, he'd thought a lot of the jesting was in good fun but it seemed like the reality was Will had openly been mocking him.
Without going through any more of the stuff Gabriel shoved everything back into the box and dumped the whole thing into the nearest trash bin. They only meant something because he was trying to share something with a person he thought he truly had a connection with.
When he got back to his room he curled up on his bed. 'He'd been there, how could Will not have experienced the same things he had?'
'Cause there we are again when I loved you so
Back before you lost the one real thing you've ever known
It was rare, I was there
I remember it all too well
Wind in my hair, you were there
You remember it all
Down the stairs, you were there
You remember it all
It was rare, I was there
I remember it all too well
"You're doing that thing again," Will said, causing Gabriel to look over at him.
"I'm fine, promise," he said, squeezing Will's hand. "Just thinking."
"You do that a lot, do you ever just not?" Will took his hand and interlocked their fingers, kissing his knuckles. Gabriel smiled, kissing Will's hand back. The wind kept blowing his hair in his eyes anytime he wasn't poking his head out the window and earning a chastising form Will telling him to keep himself in the car. He wanted this moment to last forever, just the two of them enjoying the company of the other.
"I can't help it, I just think about stuff sometimes." He said shrugging.
"What can you possibly be thinking about that much?"Will chuckled.
"You know, like us," he answered.
'Like how much I love you,' he wanted to add. 'Like how much I think you're the one I want to spend the rest of my life with.'
He leaned his head on Will's shoulder.
"Hey you with me?" Will asked, Gabriel looked up to see Will looking down at him in the dim glow of the refrigerator light.
"Oh you know me, just thinking," he smiled. Will rolled his eyes and Gabriel laughed.
"I keep telling you you need to stop thinking so much, you spend more time up in that head of yours than you do with me." He said and Gabriel leaned up a little to place a kiss on his jaw.
"You sound jealous," Gabriel teased.
"Should I be?" Will raised an eyebrow at him earning his own eye roll.
"I already told you I just think about us, about you," he answered. "I don't see how you could possibly think that's a bad thing."
"Well that depends on what you think about us, about me, as you put it," Will answered, leading him back into a dip.
"All good things I promise," he reassured. "Like the future, our future. Us."
Will didn't answer and just grunted in response.
'To have and to hold' he thought to himself as Will pulled him up from the dip.
And I was never good at telling jokes, but the punch line goes
"I'll get older, but your lovers stay my age"
From when your Brooklyn broke my skin and bones
I'm a soldier who's returning half her weight
And did the twin flame bruise paint you blue?
Just between us, did the love affair maim you, too?
'Cause in this city's barren cold
I still remember the first fall of snow
And how it glistened as it fell
I remember it all too well
Gabriel didn't really remember walking to the Major's office or even really being asked to come privately for a talk but suddenly he was sitting in front of the Major's desk, uncomfortably being stared down at by the Major and the Colonel. "Do you know why you're here Reyes?" Major Nelson began talking, he was stopped when Colonel Moore held his hand up.
"Reyes I'm worried about you kid," he said bluntly, Gabriel couldn't look either of them in the eyes. He didn't remember if they'd said why they called him but he could easily guess. Unfortunately he didn't feel like he could answer even if he did want to. He hadn't talked to anyone since he'd arrived on base about a month ago at this point, and he couldn't remember the last time he'd talked at all. They all sat in an awkward silence for a solid minute, it was clear Colonel Moore had hoped Gabriel would talk to him. Major Nelson was side eyeing Colonel Moore not knowing what to do.
"Gabriel," Colonel Moore said, this time softer and more carefully. "Your scores have dropped by nearly twenty percent, your squad mates say you haven't been showing up to meals and your last check up showed you dropping fifteen pounds, you look like you haven't seen a good night's rest since you got here. Are you okay? Has something happened? Is it personal? You can talk to me. You've got talent son, I can see you going places with skill and smarts like you but if you're functioning at your best, you're a liability to yourself and your squad, to me. What do you need? Any kind of help, I promise you can tell me."
Gabriel was starting to tune him out, he highly doubted the Colonel cared about him past how much of that was a bad reflection on himself. It's not like he could tell them anyway, he and Will would both be kicked out for fraternization and they'd lose all their military benefits. "It's personal," he mumbled out, taking both of his superiors by surprise.
"What am I supposed to do with that?" Major Nelson demanded, obviously disapproving by how gentle the Colonel was handling him.
"He's a kid Dennis," Colonel Moore hissed, Gabriel felt patronized but at the same time felt like he was Marcia's age again and was in the principal's office because one of the teachers found him eating lunch in a bathroom stall. "He just graduated and he's suddenly been thrown into an intensive program with people years his senior-"
"Then why is he in the program if he can't handle it?" Major Nelson - Dennis - interjected. "This is a fucking spec ops program if you've forgotten-"
"You do not have permission to speak to me like that Major," Colonel Moore snapped, Dennis pinching his lips in a thin line of disapproval. Gabriel could only guess what kind of personal relationship they had that the Major felt able to speak out of line like that in the first place. "Have you seen his scores? The Brigadier General had me give him a double promotion immediately out of graduation. Would you like to take this up with him?"
"But if he isn't capable-" Major Nelson gritted out but Colonel Moore ignored him, turning back to Gabriel.
"Gabriel," he said with the same gentle handling he had been using before. "You've said this was a personal issue right? I've already talked to Doctor Garcia and she's already said she wants to give you a formal depression diagnosis and put you on convalescent leave. There's a therapy thing she wants to put you in and hopefully that helps you, okay?"
Gabriel looked at him finally and gave a curt nod. He just wanted out of the conversation at this point. He didn't want to hear either man continue to talk about him like they were debating whether to buy a certain stock or not. And maybe whatever Dr. Garcia wanted him to do would help, it certainly couldn't hurt anything at this point. There were obviously a lot of people going out on a limb for him.
"Good," Colonel Moore said smiling, Gabriel could see the apprehension in his eyes.
Gabriel probably should've guessed the program Dr. Garcia wanted to put him in was a semi suicide pervention thing. With the depression and the not eating he'd probably given off a lot of red flags. He didn't know if it was better or worse for him to be taken out of training. Drills were one of the only things that momentarily took him out of his head, now he was just left to sit and continuously scroll through Will's Instagram. He looked absolutely fine and unaffected and Gabriel hated it.
Dubai looked beautiful and so did Will, like always. Most of his pictures consisted of landscape photos, occasionally he had pictures of his new squad mates having a local meal or something. Nothing meaningful until his stories started being more active. It was perfectly inconspicuous for someone who didn't know but Gabriel instantly knew the second he saw it. A much younger man sitting next to Will at meal times, out of place with the rest of Will's friends, spending down time together. Gabriel found his account instantly and was sickened. It was a kid just out of basic, a Dubani local, military brat by the looks of it. Will had deleted all traces of their time together, Gabriel had realized, going back through Will's old posts and old private stories. The kid - Gabriel didn't even bother to learn his name - had just turned 20, the same age he was when he first met Will, what was going on two years ago now.
Another kid who didn't know any better for Will to play with before discarding the second he got bored. Gabriel momentarily considered whether he should try talking to the other boy and warn him, not wanting someone else to be used the same way he had been. He decided to follow him (the kid's profile was mostly empty with sparse posts from the last ten years and it didn't even look like his friends followed him judging from the followers to following list, no doubt a new follow would catch his attention) and if he got a response then he'd see how the talking went.
Suddenly emotionally exhausted he sighed and looked out the window. It was snowing. Cherry Point was South but not south enough to completely avoid the wretched cold apparently. North Carolina still got seasons even if they were more erratic than New York. he hadn't even paid attention to the changing leaves, he'd heard more inward they had autumns like New England but on the coast it looked less pretty, the weather just got butt fucking freezing and then apparenlty it started snowing because 'fuck traditional seasons'.
Gabriel shook his head. Snow. He hadn't seen snow since he'd been in New York with Will and they had a freak mini-blizzard which was apparently normal up North. He'd thought it was so pretty when he'd first witnessed it he hadn't even noticed how bone chilling it had been outside.
"You absolute child!" Will laughed from the doorway as Gabriel had run outside just to see snow falling for the first time. "Get back in here before you get sick and I have to explain why I took you up to New York with me! I thought you hated the cold!"
"Leave him alone Will, it's cute," Mia said, poking her head out to watch him as well. "People who've never seen snow before are funny. Mom has tons of pictures of you freaking out during your first winter."
Will continued complaining from the doorway but Gabriel paid him no heed, probably in part because his ears were numbing up. Suddenly Will was in front of him with a heavy winter coat and a thermal of probably cocoa. "Alright you've had enough fun," he said, wrapping the coat around Gabriel, it was at that point he realized he was shaking from the cold. "Chug this hot chocolate before you get frostbite."
"Thank you," Gabriel said, gratefully accepting the cocoa. Will wrapped his arms around him and led him back inside. The rest of the night he watched the snow fall from the bay window shining in the moonlight.
Just between us, did the love affair maim you all too well?
Just between us, do you remember it all too well?
Just between us, I remember it (Just between us), all too well
Things slowly got better for him, he was already being forced to eat regularly but now he was actually eating the full meal and not just what he could get away with. Dr. Garcia had put him on antidepressants and the program's therapist was helping him accept what Will had done to him (though he was careful to keep Will's name out of it in case they were reporting back to Dr. Garcia or worse the Colonel, rights to privacy didn't exist in the military). He'd started talking to some of the other members and being more social again and he blocked Will's instagram to keep him from endlessly reloading it all day. When Colonel Moore came to check on him after hearing he seemed to be making improvements the man genuinely seemed relieved he'd gotten over whatever had put him in such a depression in the first place.
Will's boyfriend had immediately blocked him at first but about a week and a half later Gabriel got a message from his account asking if they could talk. Turns out his name was Daniel and at first he thought Gabriel was some weird ex-stalker but had slowly looked through Gabriel's account and decided to talk before making any more assumptions. Daniel seemed to have more sense than Gabriel had had and seeing how close in age they were and how recently he and Will had been dating, warning alarms had gone off in the kid's head.
He was honest with Daniel telling him Will's disinterest in having any type of meaningful relationship and warning about the power dynamic between not just an older man but also a superior officer. Ultimately it was up to the kid to make his own decisions but Gabriel had hope Daniel would have the brains to stay away.
He was finally cleared to leave when he gained enough weight back. All he could think about was how much hell it would be to get back into routine. It was cold and windy the day he got to leave, he grit his teeth waiting for the jeep to come pick him up. He didn't really know what to think about leaving. He still wasn't completely over Will, he found himself staring off into space sometimes thinking of the older man and the doctor had given him medication to help him sleep that Dr. Garcia said she would continue to prescribe him once he was back on base. And he didn't know how he'd react being thrown back into a situation where he was surrounded by people at minimum years his senior. But that didn't mean he didn't have a little sense of catharsis as the Jeep pulled up. Colonel Moore was in the passenger seat and some Private probably fresh out of basics in the driver's seat.
"Reyes," Colonel Moore said, giving him a wave of 'at ease' as Gabriel saluted him.
"First Lieutenant Reyes," the Private greeted, giving him a salute as he seated himself in the back of the Jeep.
The Colonel talked the whole ride back but Gabriel tuned him out, seeing as his name was never snapped to call him to attention he presumed the chatter had been over nothing important. The snow still reminded him of Will and honestly so did the wind blowing in his face because the jeep was open. He knew there were millions of other small invisible scars all over him from their relationship, of memories that would fade over time but he would never forget.
Wind in my hair, I was there, I was there
Down the stairs, I was there, I was there
Sacred prayer, I was there, I was there
It was rare, you remember it all too well
Wind in my hair, I was there, I was there
Down the stairs, I was there, I was there
Sacred prayer, I was there, I was there
It was rare, you remember it
Wind in my hair, I was there, I was there
Down the stairs, I was there, I was there
Sacred prayer, I was there, I was there
It was rare, you remember it
Wind in my hair, I was there, I was there
Down the stairs, I was there, I was there
Sacred prayer, I was there, I was there
It was rare, you remember it
You get so caught up in your own thoughts
Gabriel listened in quiet fascination as Will pointed out his neighbors' houses as they drove down the street, the tree that used to have a tire swing on it and the one he used to climb with his friends during the summer, the new houses that didn't used to be there and were blocking the view of the lake.
Just stay here for once with me, yeah?
Apparently Will's mother never rearranged her kitchen since he'd moved and Will had an elephant's memory for where she kept all the sprinkles, the marshmallows, and the candy hidden from his dad. They made an absolute horrible concoction together with way too much syrup that Will just used as an excuse to kiss off his lips.
Enjoy this moment we have together while we have it, alright?
Gabriel smiled, watching Will sleep before the alarm went off and he got grumpy from caffeine deficiency. He needed to trim his beard and his hair was starting to grow out too much. Gabriel thought it was hot when he started looking scruffy, Will only ever groomed himself when he needed to work his charm on his CO or one of the brass. He knew how to polish up just the way they liked, that silver tongue of his guaranteeing he'd get nearly anything and everything he wanted. Being messy meant he wasn't trying to impress anyone or lick boots and he was just himself. So Gabriel felt special when he got to see Will unkempt, the Will he only really got to see when it was just the two of them.
Okay, just the two of us.