Amoral Choices
by Cynical Chaos
A/N: Big W, this one's for you, since you seem to enjoy moral and philosophical conundrums. It's also somewhat inspired by your reaction to whichever of my Hellsing stories portrayed Vladdie as a pitiable, tortured martyr.
Also, anyone out know how work that damned review response messenger thing?
It's fun to write a new chapter just to respond, but it gets old fast.
Disclaimer: And we all know by now that I don't own anything right?
Of the many years that I have served you, my Master, those that I could say that I had enjoyed the most, were I still capable of such emotion, were those early on in our twisted parody of a relationship. Yes, those days, long since past, when it was all you could do to try and treat me as anything but an aberration, a mistake of God and man and angel alike. Those months when you spent endless hours trying to plumb the depths of depravity to which I had sunk. Yes, I know what you were doing and, no I don't fault you for them. Any sane man would question his fortune at such a powerful ally and try his hardest to discern the truth of his ally's loyalty. I merely hope that I've long since proved that to you.
In those days, you alternated your time between testing me with questions of a philosophical bent and supervising the reconstruction of your organization. Concerning the latter, which you and yours went about with a ferocity unmatched by any mortal that I have yet encountered outside of a religious grouping, you were, shall we say, thorough. In the case of the former, your determination and fervor in your pursuit of the veracity of my claims were no less lacking than your cleansing of the Hellsing household. Though the way by which you had this accomplished even to this amuses me. Moral puzzles for a creature which kills to live? Whose sole purpose each night is to rise and feed that he might renew his vitality? Nevertheless, you asked and I answered, though often not to your liking.
In the old days, those when I was alive and a king, blood was the only way to ascertain the loyalty of one's warriors. In those days, when one's king wished to know of your love for him, you went and slaughtered barbarians and infidels alike in his name; and you brought the heads back as proof. As with the gods, so with man; as only blood can avert the wrath of the gods, so the blood and bodies of the foes of the king can avert your presence at the chopping block. Sadly, this is a state of affairs long since vanished in my time as the guest of your household.
Still the fact that you boldly marched up to a creature which you knew could kill without a remorseful thought and, for all you knew, would, and demanded, demanded that he answer questions which should have seemed laughable to any other monster such as he; even now this event strikes me as the greatest proof of the purity of your heart. You bombarded me with questions and demanded answers when all I would do is laugh at you. Your questions seemed to me as foolishly laughable paradoxes and yet you denied me my mirth and that, more than anything else, drove me to consider and to answer.
If I were to be married and to have a child, and should they both fall ill to a disease which I seem immune too, and if the state of affairs is such that we have only enough money to either buy the food which would stave off our starvation or the disease, which would I do? Which would I do if the time of our collective death, by one means or another, was close at hand? To this day, as you and I reflect on our pasts, I can remember your look of horror, revulsion, and disdain. For had I not answered that I would rather that those I love should die painlessly by my own hand than face the uncertainty and pain of death by that of disease or hunger? I would greatly prefer that my wife and child die at loving and loveless hands that by those uncaring.
Does my answer, and the others like it, still shock you to your core even to this day? Or have you become calloused to the cruelties of my existence? Do you question your choices in your life concerning me and mine or are you certain that the God that denied me will look upon you favorably? Whatever your answer, know this, my master, that when all others will denounce you as a fool and a raving madwoman, that my loyalty, my strength and rage, and, yes, even my love are yours.