John Smith X, known around the office as simply "Ten", arrived at his dreary desk earlier than usual. He'd received a gift on his doorstep that morning at an ungodly hour. The thin man figured that since already being awake, he may as well start his day. He was 30 now, after all.
'Oh, God.' He thought as it finally hit him. 30 years old, and he was still working at TARDIS Paper. Ten hoped that he would have moved onto bigger and better things by now. Shoving his existential crisis down, he began to open the package. It was from his mum.
When he saw the strange object that had been tucked away in the box, his first thought was, 'what the fuck?'
The "gift" was just a simple red fez. He thought it a more suitable gift for his younger, incredibly idiotic brother, who sat near him (he had yet to arrive). His name, also John Smith. John Smith XI, to be exact.
Although the two brothers couldn't be further from each other in looks and personality, Craig Owens, the pudgy older wanker who managed the office, coined the affectionate names of "Ten" and "Eleven" for the two John Smiths. He just kept saying that he "couldn't tell the two skinny men apart."
Ten placed the ugly fez on his head and sighed. His co-workers would be arriving shortly, so he began to tidy his desk. One particular blond co-worker, who sat at reception, would be there soon. Ten smiled at the thought of her. He then frowned, remembering that Rose was seeing Christopher. The leather jacket-wearing man who worked in the warehouse. It made his stomach turn in jealously every time he saw them together. Then, before Ten had a chance to compose himself, he heard someone approaching.
Rose handed Ten a birthday card and leaned in as he awkwardly kissed her on the cheek. That was acceptable, right? Besides, they were good mates. That's what a good, opposite gendered mate would do to show their thanks. A wholly innocent and platonic kiss on the cheek. No harm done.
Ten opened the card and read it out loud.
"What's the difference between your wages and your penis? I can find you lots of women who will blow your wages."
Rose was snickering as Ten kept a straight face.
"What's that?" He asked, trying to act indifferent to the insult but chuckling on the inside.
"I don't know." She said with a laugh.
Suddenly, Craig approached from behind, having overheard the contents of the crude birthday card.
"Lock up your daughters, as they say." Said Craig as he placed his hands on Ten's shoulders while standing awkwardly behind him.
Rose and Ten kept a straight face (rather easily), not wanting to encourage the man. Craig then noticed the strange hat, sat upon Ten's head.
"Fez," was all he said before Rose spoke up.
"It's Ten's birthday." She said simply.
"Gift from mum." Added Ten.
Craig made a few awkward and borderline racist comments before finally going back to his office. By now, Eleven had arrived and clumsily sat down at his desk. He slapped a card in front of the brown-eyed, fez-wearing man. He looked his older brother up and down.
"Nice fez." He said as he sat down. "Fezzes are cool." Eleven immediately began to click his computer mouse ferociously as Rose and Ten watched.
The elder Smith brother reluctantly picked up what he supposed was a birthday card as he eyed Eleven's harsh finger movements. Ten couldn't resist.
"You practising to win Clara over?"
Eleven ceased his incessant clicking and looked over to his brother.
"Practising what?" He asked innocently, then flailed a bit. "And I'm not trying to win Clara over." He said, annoyed as he returned to his "work".
Rose and Ten laughed as Eleven ignored them.
"Besides. Craig made it very clear that Clara was "off-limits." He grumbled.
…
A Few Weeks Prior
Craig was giving TARDIS Paper's newest hire a tour of his office. As usual, he was bumbling around, making the young brunette roll her eyes. Clara watched silently, letting him finish untangling himself from the answering machine cord. After being sacked from her last position as a waitress, she desperately needed this job. Still, she was beginning to wonder if being under the management of this daft older man was worth it.
They were now sitting in a rather uncomfortable meeting space as Craig introduced Clara to the rest of the crew.
"This is Clara Oswald. She's the daughter of me best mates, Dave and Ellie Oswald. And she's currently my newest lodger." He said smugly.
"Sort of my responsibility." He added with pride. One of the men spoke up with a rather crude comment regarding Clara.
"Get out. I mean it." Craig said as he adjusted his tie. Everyone was silent. He then turned to Clara. "If you do have any trouble from the men…." He then looked over to the blond, who intently watched the scene unfold.
"What should she do, Rose?"
Rose chewed her lip as she spoke. "Kick him in the balls."
Craig chuckled. "Oh! Feminist. Good."
Then, Eleven, who was awkwardly standing next to Craig, spoke. (He always insisted on standing right beside Craig because he was the 'Assistant (to) the Regional Manager.'
"Get your bra off," Eleven said awkwardly. Craig turned to him with an exasperated look.
"You want to get out as well?"
"Sorry. Burn your bra. You know. Because of...feminism…." He said sheepishly as he flailed his arms. Craig's demeanour changed as he placed a hand on Eleven's arm to get him to stop flapping about.
"Good point." He said as he looked over to Clara.
Clara sighed, watching the two idiotic men. This was going to be an interesting work experience.
…
Present Day (Ten's 30th Birthday)
River Song found herself taking a deep breath as she went waited for the doors of the lift to open. She rubbed warily at her forehead in preparation for the meeting with her subordinate, Craig Owens. They'd previously discussed that either the Gallifrey office or the Swindon office would close to be absorbed by the other. Now she just had to see which middle-manager was doing a better job. The sexy older woman with the fantastic head of hair suspected she already knew the answer.
River was greeted by Rose at reception and immediately cut to the chase as Craig approached her. He seemed to be a bit out of sorts. Curiosity getting the better of her, she asked the thin-haired blond man what was wrong. And regrettably, he answered.
"Ah, right. Bit of a day, yeah. It's Ten's 30th birthday, and well, there's a pornographic picture of me that's been circulating."
River raised an eyebrow as she followed him towards his office. "Right. I take it you're handling that appropriately?"
Craig scoffed. "Got my best man on the job!" He gestured over to the young man whose messy brown hair hung over his brow. He was violently smashing his white-out dispenser on his desk as if he was punishing it for not cooperating.
"Brilliant." She said sarcastically as they entered Craig's private office.
"Now, I need you to give me 5 examples of how you've managed to increase profits and the like, so I can make a decision on which branch to keep and absorb the other." River spoke with an authority that made Craig nervous. He began to concoct a story about firing a warehouse worker named Amelia Pond.
Back in the main office, Ten and Rose were looking over the discarded copies of paper that Eleven made in trying to create a sign to place on the door of his new "office".
"He's a real Sherlock Holmes." Quipped Ten. Rose chuckled as she held up one of the papers.
"It just says, 'Silence'. He laughed. They read through the rest of the silly phrases that didn't make the cut. Eleven suddenly popped his head out of the meeting room door.
"Could you two be quiet, please? I'm interrogating a potential suspect while you two are out here blabbering about!" He then slammed the door while the duo burst out in laughter.
Eleven leaned against the table in the meeting room while Clara sat in a chair and watched him curiously.
"You know, with responsibility comes harsh things." He began, taking his brown tweed and slinging it over an empty chair before sitting down. Clara raised an eyebrow seeing his bright red braces now exposed. They matched his equally bright red bowtie. He also had his mobile phone clipped to his trousers, almost like a gun in a holster.
"People look at me, they say, 'Oh, he's tough. He was in the army. He's going to be hard and by the book…."
"Territorial army, right?" interrupted Clara. He glared at her then continued.
"But…I am caring and sensitive ." He said airily.
Clara wondered where this ridiculous conversation was going. He then seemed to get off topic with his following statement.
"Isn't Schindler's List a brilliant film?"
"Umm, yeah?" Answered Clara. Christ, this guy was really odd.
"See?" He continued as if his strange ramblings now all made sense. "People think a strong man can't be sensitive. But, I'm thoughtful and caring."
Was this gangly fellow seriously implying he was the 'strong and tough' man to which he referred?
"Sorry," began Clara. "What is this about, exactly?"
"Umm," he fumbled a bit. "You know…the uh, picture of Craig. Photoshopped on a woman's body. With the two blokes jizzingonhim." He ran his last few words together quickly as if saying it was somehow more inappropriate than the act itself.
"Oh…were they both jizzing on him? I thought he was sucking one of them off."
Eleven looked puzzled then reached for the infamous photo. "Um, I don't think…." He then looked over the image. "No, look." He shifted the picture so Clara could see. "See, it's just jizzing."
Clara huffed a laugh. "Well, I certainly didn't do it."
Eleven straightened his bowtie. "Good. Well, I'm glad we had this little chat." He then shifted in his seat. "I don't want you to think of me as your boss…."
Clara cut him off. "Well, you're not." She said it in a smug tone causing him to clamp his mouth shut. Her facial expression made it apparent she was challenging him.
Regaining his composure, he spoke again. "Well, I'm higher up than you, so…I am."
Clara scoffed. "You're only "higher up" in the sense that you're freakishly tall. And don't get me started on that chin."
Eleven stood from his seated position and then quickly sat back down, realising how much he towered over her. He placed his hand on his chin. "Oi, what's wrong with my chin?" Clara stayed silent and just gave him an unbothered look. "And I only appear to be freakishly tall because you're too short." He couldn't let this girl get the better of him. "And your bossy, and…and your nose is all funny." He wiggled his fingers over his own nose.
Clara frowned at the insult. Her frown quickly transformed into a devilish grin as she stood up and sauntered over to him. Eleven's eyes went wide as she drew closer. Clara placed both of her hands on his knees and bent over to lean into his ear and whisper.
"That's only because I'm the boss."
She then patted his flushed cheek like he was a child before she stood to her full height of barely 5' 2". Clara straightened her skirt as she sashayed out of the room. His only thought as his eyes followed her every move was that her skirt was a little bit… too tight.
…
Ten was currently sitting at his desk and smiled when he heard Rose call over to him.
"Ten? Got you a pressie." His smile soon dissolved when he saw Christopher standing in front of Rose's desk. He was holding a rather large and oddly shaped object in gift wrap. Ten swallowed his jealously as he made his way over to the intimidating man and accepted the gift.
"Happy birthday, mate." Said Chris. He followed Ten over to the waiting area in front of reception with Rose in tow.
"Thanks very much, Chris. You're a good man." He hoped his sentiment wasn't too over the top. He was clearly overcompensating for his hatred of the cocky git who got to go home with Rose every night.
"This is big. Big and exciting." He said as he began to unwrap the unexpected gift. "It's a big, exciting…." Ten faltered for a moment as the paper fell away, revealing the contents of the package. "…Huge inflatable cock." He chuckled a bit. "God!" He should have known Chris would have pulled a stunt like this.
"You can sit on that if you like." Said Chris, smugly. Ten played it off like the joke that it was. "It's not just from me, mate. It's from Rose as well."
"Oh, no. You haven't got one already?" Rose interjected with false concern.
"Um, no." Began Ten rubbing at his chin. "Although you can never have too many."
"Oh, good." She laughed. "Thought you'd prefer it to money."
"Quite right. Would have only spent the money on a huge inflatable cock anyway."
Their heads all turned when they heard the unmistakable laughter of their boss, Craig, making his way over.
"Did you get him that?" Craig asked, followed by an obnoxious laugh. Chris nodded. "Brilliant. Oh, God, look at that." He took the inflatable cock from Ten's hands and put it to his forehead. "Ex-sperminate!" He yelled, laughing hysterically at his own joke. There was an audible groan from the trio. "Oh, that is brilliant." He continued to chuckle as he handed the "gift" back to Ten.
…
Rose and Ten now found themselves sitting across Eleven in his makeshift "interrogation room."
"Now, you two." He began as he looked over his notes. "Rose and Ten."
"What do you want, Eleven?" Asked Rose, annoyed.
Her curtness didn't phase him. Subtle emotion and social cues often went over his head, and he pressed on with the task at hand.
"I've been assigned by Craig to find out who did the picture."
"Right, who was it?" Asked Ten. He knew they both shared the same parents, but they grew up separated due to a nasty divorce when they were both still very young. Ten lived with his father in Scotland, and Eleven stayed with his mother in England. The elder brother loved taking the piss with the younger. It was just too easy. Especially since Eleven was so naive and gullible. Ten found his job at TARDIS Paper was so dull that watching Eleven take the brunt of his office pranks was one of the few things that kept him there. That and a certain blond named after a flower.
"Well…I don't know." Eleven said, almost ashamed he hadn't figured it out yet.
"Will Craig fire you?"
Eleven's eyes went wide. "Will I get fired?"
"Yeah, if you don't know who did it."
"But I'm finding out now. I'm doing investigations now." He said matter of factly. "Was it one of you two?"
"Yes. Christ, you're good." Said Rose.
"Was it?" Exclaimed Eleven as he straightened his bowtie proudly. Could it really be that easy?
"NO!" Replied Rose incredulously. Eleven's shoulders dropped.
"Ah, thought not." He added as he shuffled his papers like he knew it wasn't Rose all along. "Listen." He said in a tone of authority that didn't match his look or demeanour. "I'm not going to fire you if you know anything because…."
Ten interrupted him. "You couldn't."
Rose was smirking and trying to hold in her laugh.
"I could!" Exclaimed Eleven like a whinging child.
"How would that work?" Asked Ten. Oh, how he loved to rile Eleven up. Maybe he was making up for all the years they'd spent apart, and he missed the chance to taunt the child in a body of a 26-year-old man.
Eleven flapped his hands a bit, trying to find the words. "I would say, 'You're fired. Clear your desk and…."
"I would say, 'You don't have the authority.' But do go on." Ten interjected once again.
"Not true, not true." Said Eleven, now frustrated. "Because in this room, I have special…."
"Needs?" Once again, Eleven's older brother interrupted him.
"No! I am a special…."
"Needs child?"
"What? No. Shut up! That's not even funny!"
Ten knew he might be pushing it a bit too far and quieted.
"Now, as I was saying, I won't have you fired because…."
Ten scrunched his eyes shut as he pressed Eleven's buttons one more time. "You couldn't."
Eleven took a breath, finally registering his brother was just having a laugh at his expense. As usual. He rolled his eyes as he waved his two co-workers out. "Right, that's all."
Rose and Ten left the room. Once the door closed behind them, they started giggling.
"Your brother is such a wanker!" Rose nearly snorted, which Ten found adorable.
He felt a little bad for taking advantage of Eleven, but he could be so…. arrogant sometimes. And annoying. And just plain…weird. Besides, seeing the laugh it brought from Rose's perfect lips did something to his stomach that he couldn't quite explain.
…
Craig now sat at his desk, finishing up his meeting with River Song. She had just caught him in a lie regarding the fact that a certain warehouse worker named "Amelia Pond" never actually existed and was just some fairytale kind of lie he made up to make River think he fired the poor girl due to cutbacks. River figured it out relatively quickly and was fuming. But not for reasons you'd think. Yes, she was mad at the deception, but she was fuming at how the men in the warehouse treated her when she went to have a look around.
"I just can't believe their total lack of respect." She said as she brushed some imaginary dust off her skirt.
The men in the warehouse were watching a video of two dogs shagging each other. Which then turned into the blokes saying some very crude comments concerning River after she tried to use her authority to get them to stop.
"Yeah, yeah. Not only did they undermine you in an authoritative sense…."
There was an abrupt knock at the door.
"Come in." Said Craig before continuing his thought. "…but they left an image in my mind of you, naked. On all fours. Being quite literally done doggie style ."
By now, Eleven had fully entered the room, listening to Craig's vivid imagination as he stood next to his desk.
"Craig!" Exclaimed River in shock and disgust. There was an awkward pause. Eleven glanced between his two superiors.
"Umm, carry on." He coughed, looking River over. River's head snapped towards the man who she thought had the face of a 12-year-old. He was now standing awkwardly, trying to conceal his semi.
"What is it?" She said in an irritated tone.
"I've found the guilty man." He gulped.
…
It turned out that Eleven did not find the guilty man. He initially blamed his older brother, Ten, for the pornographic photos because he found they originated from his brother's computer. However, it turned out that Craig's best mate and sales rep for TARDIS Paper, Peter Basil, was the culprit. Peter had a penchant for pulling pranks on Craig and used Ten's computer for his latest go. When Craig found out that it was Basil, he just let it go saying he wasn't angry and that it was "bloody hilarious."
Craig didn't want Basil to know he'd "got him." Especially since he'd be coming down to the office soon. They were all headed over to the pub for the infamous quiz challenge after work. TARDIS Paper held the unnecessary "team-building" event every year. Peter and Craig were always on the same team and were inevitably the winners. Craig liked to think their perpetual winning was a 50/50 effort, but truthfully, Peter Basil was a genius who gloated in the fact that he was the cleverest person... ever . He would often hurl insults at the others. His personal favourite was "pudding brain."
But this year, Danny, the temp, would be participating. He already proved to be quite intelligent, much to Craig's dismay. Not to mention to Eleven's dismay as well. The dapper ex-soldier (not territorial) caught the eye of a, particularly short and bossy brunette.
Danny was on Ten's team while Rose was teaming up with Christopher, for obvious reasons. Eleven once again was the 'quiz master' and was in charge of the questions. He thought Craig picked him to do it because he was his favourite employee when, in reality, it was because no one wanted to be on Eleven's team. Best he didn't know.
Danny was sitting at his computer when Craig waltzed over. He hadn't been working at TARDIS Paper long but worked out quickly that it was no fun to be cornered by the obtuse man.
"You excited for your first big quiz?" Asked Craig as he slapped Danny on the back.
"Um, yeah. It's not the first, though." He chuckled nervously, wondering if he should give any more personal information to the man who now plopped his arse on his desk. "I, er, was on Blockbusters a few years back."
Craig tried not to show his surprise and jealousy as Danny went on to tell him how well he did and what he'd won during his time on the game show.
"Alright then." Said Craig as he slapped his palm to his knee. "Give me one of the ones you had. You, know. Fingers on the buzzers." He smiled expectantly at the younger and more handsome man.
"Um, okay." Replied Danny as he tapped his pencil on his desk, thinking of a question. "Oh, alright. I know. Which 'Y' had a hit single with The Only Way Is Up and sang with Plastic Population?"
"Yazoo!" Exclaimed Craig.
"No, it's uh, Yazz ."
"Yep." Said Craig as he snapped his fingers.
"No. You said Yazoo . It's just Yazz ."
"Right, but what's the cut off point? I mean, Yazz ?"
"Well, you would have got it wrong on Blockbusters." Danny knew there was probably no point in arguing with him, but the man was just so… irritating .
"I wouldn't have said it on Blockbusters…so."
"Right." Said Danny, trying to keep his eyes from rolling so far in the back of his head that he would forever be blind.
"I'll give you one. A proper one." Said Craig. Danny braced himself for what possibly could come out of Craig's psyche. He patiently waited as Craig froze like a robot, trying to think of a question. After a painful minute of awkward silence, Danny finally spoke.
"Is this going to take…" he began.
"No. No. It was going to be what 'D'…and the answer was going to be Dostoyevsky. I just couldn't think of the question."
"Ah, ok. Well, what 'D' was a Russian dissident who wrote the novel Crime and Punishment ?"
Craig just looked at him with a blank stare. "Would you have got that?" He then questioned.
Danny tried not to smirk. "I'd have had a guess."
Craig smiled as he turned to the other co-workers in the block of desks. He chuckled. "You don't get prizes for guessing." He then stood up and began to walk away, laughing at the thought that Danny would have had to guess the answer. He slapped Danny on the shoulder once again.
"Unlucky. See you later."
Danny sighed and went back to work. 'God help us if that man wins the quiz.' He thought to himself.
…
Rose casually made her way over to Ten's desk. She bobbed her head in the direction of the meeting room. Eleven had taken down the "Silence" sign and replaced it with another that read, "Quiz Master." He once again set up shop to make sure he had all his questions sorted. Ten gave a knowing smile as he stood and followed Rose into the room.
Eleven's head shot up when the two entered. He quickly began trying to cover up his notes as the two took their places on either side of him.
"Are these the questions?" Asked Rose, feigning ignorance.
"Yeah, do not look at those!" He even swatted Rose's hand away, not thinking about the fact he'd just hit a girl. "Disqualified! You are both disqualified!"
Ten didn't even bother to rebuttal the "threat" and spoke. "Right, yeah. Eleven, Rose and I were having an argument. We need your help."
"Not interested." Eleven responded while struggling to take his book of questions back from Rose.
"It's about the army." Said Ten. Knowing Eleven would take the bait.
"Go on, then. Quick."
"Quite right." Said Ten as he knelt beside his seated brother and gave a sly grin to Rose before returning to a straight face. Eleven didn't notice.
"I was wondering if a military man like you, a soldier …." He then paused, trying to keep a straight face. "…Could you…could you give a man…a lethal blow ?" Ten overemphasised the word, 'blow'. Rose nearly broke into a wide grin but managed to bite the inside of her cheek to keep from giggling.
The innuendo went straight over Eleven's head as he sat back in his chair. He ran his hand through his hair before folding his arms, seriously contemplating the question.
"Well, I suppose if I was forced to, I could. I mean…" He paused, choosing his words carefully. "If it was absolutely necessary." He looked between Rose and Ten. "If he was attacking me."
Seeing that Eleven was taking the bait and giving them, even more, to work with, Ten couldn't help himself. Once again, his "friendship" with Rose overtook his brotherly bond with Eleven.
"Okay, so if he was… coming… really hard…." said Ten. Rose didn't understand how Ten could keep up with the act at this point.
Without hesitation, Eleven spoke. "Of course. If my life was in danger. Yeah."
Now Rose took over. "And do you always imagine doing it…face to face with a bloke…or could you take a man from behind?"
Ten's eyebrows rose. Needless to say, he was impressed at how effortlessly Rose could keep up with his own shenanigans. She'd even been the one to instigate it this time!
"Either way is easy." Responded Eleven as he adjusted his bowtie out of nervous habit. He was starting to feel that something was amiss but couldn't quite understand what Rose and Ten were getting at.
"Right. Either way." She said in a soft and even tone. "So, what you're saying is that you could, in fact, do a man from behind? "
Eleven looked suspiciously between his brother and Rose before answering with a firm, "yes."
"Yeah. Lovely." Said Rose with a smirk. At this point, Ten couldn't hold in his laughter and began to shake in silent reverie as Eleven tensed up, now knowing something nefarious was happening.
"What?" He began. "What did I say? What's so funny?"
Now both Rose and Ten were audibly laughing. The comedy duo then promptly left Eleven alone in his confusion. He sat back in his chair. The lanky young man began to look over his notes for the upcoming quiz. All of a sudden, realisation at what had just transpired hit him in the face. Grimacing, he yelled as he slammed his palm to his forehead. "TEN!"
End
...
So what becomes of you, my love?
When they have finally stripped you of
The handbags and the glad rags
That your grandad had to sweat so you could buy.