Chapter 6

As time went by, things seemed to be getting better for Bam and for everyone else. His bout of depression faded out and he looked as if he was returning to the old Bam, on the surface any way. He acted as happy as he possibly could, but he was constantly reminded that he was unable to move from the waist down. Even though he had gotten used to his new handicapped lifestyle, he still couldn't stand the way he was forced to live. He couldn't stand the fact that every time he looked at one of his skateboard that was all he could do with it.

It wasn't that there was absolutely no hope for him regaining the ability to walk; it was the fact that he didn't know when he would be able to walk again. The doctor told him months ago that the bruising and swelling on his spine would have to heal completely before even the slightest bit of sensation in is legs would return. That would take a long time, since it was internal, for it to heal, possibly up to a whole year. One thing was fir sure, though, the doctor told him that the first sensation that he would feel would be that of immense pain. This was why he was prescribed a bottle of painkillers to keep on hand just in case.

Bam wheeled himself out onto the deck and breathed in the warm morning sir. The sun was just rising, causing a dull pink and orange glow across the sky. Normally he wouldn't have been up so early, but for some reason he couldn't sleep any longer, and decided to take advantage of the moment and went outside to watch the sun rise. A slight smile formed at the corners of his mouth and his eyes brightened softly as he gazed out before him. He had never seen such a beautiful sight as he was seeing right then. The way the dark night sky was transforming into a day sky with the glow of the sun. The stars were slowly disappearing as rays of the sun crept up against them. In the distance he could hear morning doves cooing, and other birds chattering in the trees of the surrounding woods. The grass below was shining of dew, which added to the spectacular sight.

As Bam took the scene in, his mind began to wander. He began to remember back to random events that occurred months prior, when he had first became paralyzed. He was so much more depressed then, depressed and scared. He was still a little depressed, but not nearly as much, and he didn't let on that he was to the others. He remembered back to one of his first nights home from the hospital, how weak he was. That night he was going to end his life so he wouldn't have to deal with being handicapped. April caught him in the bathroom about to swallow the bottle of painkillers that was given to him. A knot formed in his stomach when he thought about the look on her face when she snatched the pill bottle out of his hand, and when he thought about how she spent a good hour in the bathroom with him, both of them crying, and she trying to talk him out of his thoughts of suicide.

That wasn't his only suicide attempt. Just a week after that, Bam was caught in the kitchen with a large carving knife in his hand. He remembered sitting there as Phil, Jess, Brandon and whomever else was with them, yelled at him. He felt so ashamed of himself as he listened to them yell. The yelling caused Jenn and his mom to come into the room inquiring what it was about. The looks that befell their faces once they heard that eh was planning on stabbing himself with the knife were too much for him to bear. He remembered looking up at them with tears in his eyes, as he apologized for having everyone worry about him, and as he promised them that that would be the last suicide attempt. This promise, however, didn't stop him from thinking about taking his own life. He just didn't do anything about it for their sake.

Bam brought himself back to reality as he felt the sun on his face. He wasn't going to think about those, or any other moments of weakness he had gone through. He decided that this was going to be a good day, and he was actually going to be happy. He remembered what happy was like, it was a good feeling… right? He decided that he wasn't going to let anything bring him down, no not this day. He didn't know why he chose this day; he just knew it was time to bring the old Bam back.

He smiled as he felt the sun, how warm it was. There was a slight breeze that mixed with the warmth of the sun that had spread half way across the sky by this time. Just by sitting there he already could tell that it was going to be a good day. The sun kissed the wood of the deck, and brought more light around Bam, making it easier to see. He pushed the sleeves of his long sleeved t-shirt up as his smile grew. The scene before him was gorgeous and he didn't want to leave it behind. His bare legs and feet that stuck out from his beige shorts were touched by the sun as well. The mixture of the breeze and warm sun felt good against his face, his arms, hands, and… legs?

Quickly his smile faded into a puzzled frown. Ever since he had become paralyzed, he hadn't felt even the slightest bit of warmth on his legs and feet. He looked down at his lap and then at the footrests of the wheelchair where his exposed feet sat. His mouth fell open as he began to run his hands across his still limbs. For a split second the warmth on his legs was the greatest feeling he ever experienced. Then it kicked in. It started out in his lower back then shot down his legs all the way to the tips of his toes. The doctor was underestimating when he told Bam that it would be immense pain. This was the worst excruciating pain that he had ever felt in his entire life. He had many injuries before, but none of them ever came any where close to what he was feeling now. Suddenly all he could think about was those pain killers, and he didn't care how he got them.

Bam wheeled himself as best and as fast as he could through the pain back inside and headed for the bathroom. Bringing himself to the bathroom was in question a very difficult task for Bam. Once he got there he tore open the medicine cabinet and grabbed for the bottle of pills, knocking it over onto the floor. By this time Bam was in tears, and he spilled himself onto the bathroom floor to retrieve the pills. Jenn had heard the commotion in the bathroom and came running to see Bam crying on the floor reaching for the bottle of painkillers.

"Oh my God!" She jumped down to the floor and quickly grabbed Bam by the arm "Bam you promised after your last attempt that you weren't going to try any ting! Give me those!" She said, trying to grab the pill bottle from his hand

'But I need them! You don't understand!" He pleaded through his tears

"No, Bam, you don't need them." She said sternly "I will not allow you to kill yourself!"

"What? No Jenn you really don't understand! I wasn't… This looks really bad, doesn't it? But it's not what you think, honest!" he said, still with tears streaming down his face.

Jenn sat back on her feet and looked at him, trying to register in her mind what else this situation could possibly be,

"Start explaining then."

"Well I was on the deck, watching the sunrise. And then I felt the sun on my legs, and then I had to come in here because the pain is so bad… I guess I should have woken you to help me, but I…"

"Wait… go back."

"I should have woken you?"

"No before that."

"I had to come in here because the pain was so bad."

"Before that. I want to hear that part again."

"I was on the deck?" He asked, trying to smile

'Yeah, then what did you say after that?" She began to smile as well

"And I felt the sun… on my legs. I… I can feel my legs."

"You're not fucking serious!"

"Yes I am!"

Jenn wrapped her arms around him and she too began to cry; only hers weren't tears of pain like Bam's were.