Chapter 4

Here's Chapter 4! Sorry for the long delay in between, but I was trying to figure out what I wanted to do with this and where I wanted to go. Also...well...it was Christmas break and I was enjoying being home from college for a nice month...and then the semester started and I wanted to start out good so all my time was being devoted to that. But I got really inspired today. And I had to write. So here it is!

IMPORTANT! I'd really suggest re-reading the end of Chapter 3 as I changed it and some very, very, VERY IMPORTANT things have changed. If you don't read it you're going to be confused as all hell and you'll think I'm on crack cuz it doesn't follow. So please read!

Thank you to the wonderful, wonderful people who are reading or have reviewed this story! It makes me feel really good that some people review this, cuz it means that they actually like it! Now...onto the story!

I'll Carry the Cross You Bear

Marks POV

Wow. What a shitty night. It was so fucking hard to sleep and I had to literally force myself to not run away again. I can't, now that I promised Roger I'd talk to him. If I left him after saying I would talk to him, I'd feel even worse than I do now. Plus, he'd tell everyone about this, and I don't want them to know. I wonder if they'd even care, or if they'd just shrug it off as "Aww poor Mark can't handle anything, so we'd better never tell him any bad news again or else he may go off and kill himself" or something equally stupid. I'd hate that. It would take away my place in the group. The place I fit into best, problem solver. Usually it's Rogers problems that I'm solving, how ironic it is that he's going to try to solve mine. The sun's starting to rise, I can see it through the threadbare curtain on my window. I severely doubt that I'm gonna get any more sleep tonight. Maybe I'll make some tea and have some cereal. I at least have a few more hours until Roger wakes up. Maybe I shouldn't be worried about this. I mean, he is Roger, he does have a very bad memory most of the time, maybe he'll forget about it. I hope.

Rogers POV

My first thoughts on waking up this morning were I hope that Mark is still here. I know he is though. He promised to talk to me. He wouldn't break a promise, at least, not to me. I get up out of my bed and wander out into the main room. He's just sitting there messing around with his camera, maybe putting some new film in it or something. I don't know, that kind of stuff was never my strong point. I head into the kitchen but soon realize that I'm not very hungry. I almost decide to forgo eating when,

"Roger, you have to eat breakfast and take you're AZT!"

God Mark, why are you so worried about me this morning. It's you you need to be worried about. I do as he asks though, I eat a bowl of cereal without any milk and take my pills. I think he's hoping that maybe I forgot about it. I haven't thou. As soon as I'm finished, I go over and sit down on the couch beside him "Mark, put down the camera and look at me. We're going to talk now. You promised me."

"Dammit, you didn't forget did you?"

"No. Now, come on. This is important."

Mark put down his camera and maneuvered himself so that he was looking at me. He opened his mouth and started to speak.

"Why is it so important to you? It's not like it's hurting anyone."

"It's important to me because it's not healthy and it is hurting someone Mark! It's hurting you!"

"Not really."

"Not really my ass. We're not gonna talk about whether or not it's harmful to you. I just want to know why Mark. Why are you hurting so much inside that you need to do this to yourself? Why can't you talk to me about it? Do you really not trust me enough to come to me and let me help you? Is it really so bad that you can't share it?"

"Roger...I just...I can't say it. All I feel is this deep sorrow inside me, and it's so hard to get into words. I know why I feel like that, but I can't tell you. I can't tell anyone about it. But it's not important. Really. I'm not going to die or anything on you. I promise. Now can we be done?"

"No Mark! Dammit! Don't you get it? This IS important! You're hurting, and because you're hurting it's hurting me. It hurts like hell to know that you're in so much pain that you can't think of any better way of dealing with it that playing slice and dice with your skin!"

Marks POV

God, Roger looks close to tears. He's really upset about this. Dammit Cohen! Look at what you've done now! The one person you truly love, and you've gone and hurt him because you're so stupid! STUPID STUPID STUPID! I can't deal with this. I need to cut. I need to feel it. It's the only thing that's gonna make me feel better. And yet I don't want to because it'll hurt Roger. I don't want to hurt him anymore. What am I going to do? I guess...I guess...I could tell him. "Roger..."

"Yes Mark?"

"Roger, I...I...I think I need a hug...I want to cut again...I feel so bad about hurting you that I want to...but I don't want to because it'll only hurt you more...so please, just, could you hold me until I don't want to anymore?"

I think I'm gonna cry. As soon as I ask, he pulls me to him and just holds me. God...Roger...

Rogers POV

Holding Mark like this, despite the circumstances, feels so good. It feels right. I wish I could hold him more. I like holding him. I don't want to fuck with him, but I need to tell him. I need to. I can't hold this in anymore. Maybe it'll help him, to know someone cares. "Marky?" He just looks up at me in response. He looks so adorable. "Marky, I have something I have to tell you. I...well...I love you Marky. I know you probably don't feel the same way, but please don't push me away. I just had to say it, because, I want you to know how much I care." Surprisingly he doesn't push me away, but instead just looks down.

"Roger...is, I mean, do, I mean, are you serious? You love me? How?"

"Because, filmmaker, you are adorable, and so loving, and the perfect match for me. You and I fit together very well."

"Roger...well...I love you too. I love you so much...I just didn't think you'd ever love me back. I never thought of myself as good enough for you, musician."

"You'll never not be good enough for me. You're far too good for me. But, I have to know, is that why you...is that why you're so unhappy? Because you thought that I could never love you?"

He hesitates in answering, and I know. I know it's partially my fault. "I'm so sorry Mark, oh god, you should of told me, you shouldn't have held it in."

"It's not just that, there's other things. I don't want to talk about that stuff right now. Please, can we just stay like this for awhile?"

"Of course. Anything for you Mark. Anything for you." We stay there, in that embrace, for the rest of the afternoon. And for the first time in a while, everything felt okay and at peace in this little loft of ours.

Hope you liked it! Please review and tell me if you liked it, or if you didn't why not. Have a great day!