Chapter 7: The Day He Gave Up

A/N: Wow, this took much longer than I expected. I think this chapter is very good, but too bad it's still sad. I hope you guys like it. This chapter is dedicated to the two people who reviewed the last chapter. If you haven't reviewed, please do so. Although I asked for it for my birthday, I still don't own CSI.

Gil felt as though he could barely remember the last time he had been home. The University of California, where he was a freshman, was not incredibly far from his home. His visits were still limited. At home all he had was his mother, and they didn't talk much anymore. As the Christmas season approached, Gil began to feel a little guilty.

His mother was all alone all day long. Now that she was pretty much completely deaf, there weren't really many people she could talk to. Gil felt guilty for leaving his mother to a life like that, where she had no one. It was difficult to think of her as much as he ought to. School kept him very busy, not to mention the surprising aspect of a social life that university brought to him.

The days of being invisible like he was in high school were long gone. Suddenly it was cool to be knowledgeable. He took in lectures by day, and studied at the local body farm by night. He was sharing my room with Eugene from high school, and this really quiet guy named Nate. Both of them were great. His long time girlfriend, Sara, went to the same university too, so they saw each other quite often.

This was the perfect life. It was the way he had always wanted it to be. There was only one thing missing; a family. The only family he had was his mother. His mother had been an only child whose parents were long dead. His father's parents had died too, and his father's older brother had died when Gil was very young. He craved for a real family.

That's why he resolved to visit his mother this Christmas. Eugene and Nate were having a party with a couple of other guys in their dorm. Gil planned to spend a quiet Christmas at home with his mother. He couldn't exactly call her, since she was deaf. Instead, he had written a letter. She had replied rather quickly, almost too eagerly. He would spend 5 days of his break with his mother, and he'd make them count.

Christmas spirit was in the air. Gil couldn't turn around without seeing some tinsel or a Christmas tree. He had already bought presents for the Sara and they guys in his dorm the week before. He would be going to his mother's house later that day, and he still hadn't bought her a present. It wasn't as if he hadn't tried. Marybeth Grissom was very hard to shop for.

Nothing that he had seen had been just right. None of the clothes he had seen would look nice on his mother. She was not really the perfume type, nor was she the flower type. For hours, he had searched every store in the mall. He had even asked his friends for advice. He wanted to get something great for his mother. He wanted it to be something she really loved.

Gil couldn't really remember anything that his mother liked. Since his father had died, Gil didn't even remember his mother truly happy. There was one thing that his mother believed that remained constant during that time. His mother always made it a priority for them to attend church every Sunday. Gil didn't really think his mother believed in much anymore, but the church was one thing in which she still truly believed.

Throughout his childhood, he remembered going to church services, first with both his parents, then with only his mother. His childhood days at church were spent being fretfully bored. When his father had gone, he would occasionally look at Gil and wink. It was as if they shared their own private joke. His mother, on the other hand, always paid attention. She truly believed in everything Father Michael was saying. When thinking of his childhood at church, he knew exactly what to buy her.

He had seen the perfect gift for her at a small antique jewelry shop. He returned there to buy it. It was a plain silver necklace sitting on a purple cushion. It had an ornate silver cross dangling from the center. One look at it told him that his mom would love it. Without a second thought, Gil bought it, and he went home.

His mother was overjoyed when she saw him. Mrs. Grissom wrapped him into a hug, and started a very rapid sign language conversation. Gil didn't talk to his mother that much any more, so he thought he would be a little out of practice. However, he kept up with his mother's hand movements. She asked him about school and about Sara. He answered her obediently.

She welcomed him in and he walked into her very well decorated house. There were garlands and holly strung everywhere. Mistletoe was hung randomly around the house. The most magnificent thing of all was the Christmas tree. It was enormous, nearly scraping the ceiling. The tree glittered because of the hundreds of lights and ornaments strung over it. On the top of the tree there was an angel that Gil remembered from when he was a child. Underneath the tree were a good number of presents.

His mother ushered him to the dinner table which was laden with food. It was the most delicious meal that Gil had had in a while. There was a marvelous turkey, mashed potatoes, a variety of vegetables… The conversation at dinner was pleasant, although a bit awkward. Gil and his mother just didn't have much to talk about anymore.

They mostly concentrated on eating their food. Occasionally they would look up from their plates and sign a few words to each other. Gil was quick to compliment his mother on the food. As a whole, the meal didn't go as badly as Gil had expected. He was beginning to get a warm feeling that had nothing to do with how full he was. It was nice, being here like this with his mother. She may be the only family he had, but she was great.

After dinner they had dessert, which was also delicious. They were finished eating quite quickly. Gil knew what came after dinner. It was time for them to each choose one present to open before Christmas day tomorrow. He didn't know why they did it. It was just a tradition of theirs. Gil used to love this time. It was the time he looked forward to most as a child. After his father had died, he didn't look forward to it so much anymore.

The thrill of getting a present still was their. He had experienced a shock when he woke up the first Christmas morning without his father to find a present addressed to his father under the tree. He didn't mention it, because he thought that maybe his mother had bought his father the present before he died or something. That year he didn't mention a thing as the wrapping paper from that gift was strewn all over the floor and the sweater my mother had bought was hanging neatly in the closet.

The same thing continued to happen, year after year. There would always be a present with his father's name on it under the tree. On Christmas day, the wrapping would be all over the living room, and the sweater or whatever it was would be neatly put away. Every year Gil hoped that it would be different, but it never was. Just as he expected, among the various presents addressed to his mother and him, there was a present for his father.

Gil wanted to mention it to his mother, he had really intended to. When he saw the look on his mother's face as they opened the present, he couldn't bring himself to do it. It had been a very long time since he had seen his mother this happy. It wasn't her presents that were bringing her the most joy. Every time he opened one of his presents, her face would light up with happiness. It was the fact that they were together that she really cherished this Christmas Eve.

Gil anxiously awaited his mother's reaction to the present he had bought her. She delicately undid the ribbon on the rich purple box. Her eyes were alight with joy as she saw what was in the box. Her face broke into a very large smile. "Thank you Gil, it's beautiful", she signed to him. She put it on, and it shone against her dark red dress.

"It was nothing", Gil signed back blushing. He liked that his mother liked the present.

The phone rang while they were enjoying some Christmas cookies. "I'll get it", Gil signed getting up. He picked up the phone and said, "Hello?"

"Is there a Gil Grissom there?" an official, stern sounding voice said.

"Speaking", he said. A lump formed in his throat. He didn't know who would be calling for him here.

"My name is doctor Sheppard. I'm calling from Tamales Bay General Hospital to tell you that we have a Ms. Sara Jones here and she's listed you as her emergency contact…"

Gil didn't need to listen anymore. He slammed down the receiver, and in moments he was at the door with his coat in his hand. He thought of nothing except Sara. If something horrible had happened to her…he didn't know what he'd do. After a bit of thought, he realized he should have let the doctor finished.

Sara could have merely broken her arm, or she could be in a coma. Or it could be much worse. She could be…he didn't want to say it. In his rush to get to the hospital, he had nearly forgotten about his mother. Quickly, he rushed to the living room to see his mother sitting their waiting for him.

"Um…mom", he signed hesitantly, "I'm sorry but I really need to go. Sara's in the hospital and I need to see her." Gil held back the tears that were threatening to erupt from his eyes.

"It's okay", his mother said. She rarely spoke anymore, so Gil was shocked to hear her voice. She pulled him into a warm hug. She knew that it was exactly what he needed at the moment.

Gil had taken his mother's car without asking. He knew that she wouldn't mind. As he sped down the road, his mind unwillingly wandered to all the horrible things that could have happened. Sara could be in pain, she could be dying. She had wanted him there, and he would get there as quickly as possible.

He was probably breaking the speed limit, and he didn't care. The only important thing was getting to the hospital as soon as possible. Because of the fact that he was speeding, what was once a fifteen minute drive became a five minute one. Those five minutes seemed to last a lifetime.

He quickly parked in the hospital parking lot and ran through the emergency room doors. Gil ran to a harassed looking woman at the information desk. "I'm looking for Sara Jones. I'm Gil Grissom. I was told she would be here", he said in a single breath. The woman looked at him tiredly. She checked a few clipboards scattered across her desk.

"Sara Jones, room 318, intensive care unit", the woman said in a bored voice.

Gil hurriedly thanked to the woman, and ran down the hall. He ran at breakneck speed. He couldn't stand waiting for the elevator, so instead he ran up three flights of stairs. Room 318 was an extremely isolated one. He was going to burst in the door and demand to see if Sara was alright. What he saw through the window of her room stopped him in his tracks.

Sara's pale unconscious form was lying in a hospital bed. The only thing was she didn't really look like Sara anymore. Her dark brown hair was fanned out on the bed. Her face was abnormally pale and was covered with blood and bruises. Attached to every inch of her body were wires and tubes. Beside her bed were constantly beeping machines.

He lingered at the door of Sara's room. It was much more difficult than he thought to go in. It was hard to see Sara like this. The normally bright and cheerful person she was was gone. It was replaced by a shell of a person who wasn't really there. A handsome young doctor approached him from the opposite end of the hall.

"Gilbert Grissom?" the doctor asked, checking his chart. Gil nodded mutely. "We spoke on the phone? My name is doctor Sheppard. There's no easy way for me to say this…" Gil's stomach fell into his feet. It wasn't a good sign when a doctor said there was no easy way for him to say something. The doctor continued.

"There was a car accident involving your girlfriend Sara. Her car was hit on the driver's side by a drunk driver. I'm afraid she's suffered some pretty extensive damage..." The doctor said. Gil felt as if his blood had turned to ice. The rest of the doctor's speech seemed very far away and somehow muffled.

Gil caught the strange and foreboding word here and there. He heard subdural hematoma…internal hemorrhaging…and words he couldn't even make out. They meant nothing to him. All he understood was Sara was dying and there was nothing he could do about it.

He couldn't believe it was happening. It was supposed to be Christmas Eve; the happiest time of the year. Gil felt nothing but misery. The hospital was decorated for the holidays, perhaps to get patients in the festive spirit. It wasn't even close to working. Gil didn't even want to imagine how Sara would be feeling…if she was even feeling. Gil heard the doctor say something about brain injuries. That didn't sound good.

Doctor Sheppard had left him alone standing in the hallway. The doctor said that he could go see Sara…but he couldn't bring himself to do it. He was afraid, and he wasn't really sure what he was afraid of. It could be that if he went closer to Sara, if he were actually to touch her, everything would become all the more real. As long as he couldn't touch her, he could stay in nice comfortable denial.

Slowly, very hesitantly, he pushed open the door to her room. It was worse than he remembered from the brief instant that he had looked in her room. It truly looked as if Sara wasn't there anymore. The body lying on the hospital bed was so badly beaten up, that it looked liked it didn't have a chance. His only comfort was the steady beeping of the dozens of monitors. As long as they kept beeping, Sara would be alright.

Gil knelt beside Sara's bed, and he did something he hadn't done in years. He prayed. He wasn't really sure exactly who or what he was praying to, but it was worth a try. "Please let her be okay. I know that I'm not a good Catholic, and I may not be the greatest person. I'm really sorry about that God. I just need her. I don't know how I'd live without her. Please let her be okay."

Gil looked up expectantly, as if he expected his prayers to somehow be answered. Instead, the steady beeping of the machines had stopped. They were replaced by eradic sounds that were sometimes fast and sometimes slow. Something was wrong. After barely a moment, it became a steady hum. The pulsating line became flat.

"I need a doctor!" Gil yelled in a panic, "HELP! SOMEBODY, ANYBODY!"

Five doctors came running. Gil was pushed backwards out of the room. He struggled to see what was happening. The doctors were crowded around Sara, so Gil couldn't see a thing. They were taking all sorts of notes, rushing around Sara, doing who knows what. All he could hear was the steady hum of the machine Sara was attached to.

Gil knew what that meant. Sara's heart wasn't beating. Someone could only live a matter of minutes without their heart pumping blood around their body. Gil heard the doctor say, "There's nothing we can do." Gil clutched his gut as if someone had punched him. This couldn't be happening, it just couldn't, he thought frantically.

"Time of death, 9:58 p.m.", said an over worked looking female doctor.

There was no denying it now. Sara was dead. There was nothing he could do. It was as if the whole word had ended in that moment. Sara had made him feel happier than he had ever been in his life. Gil had loved her, more than he had loved anyone ever before. That was all over now. He would never again feel what he had felt when he was with Sara. He might as well have died with Sara.

Looking at the group of doctors still huddled around Sara, Gil made a vow. Never again would he feel like he felt now. He felt as if his heart had been ripped out and thrown in the trash. All he wanted was for it to go away. The only way he would protect himself from feeling like this was if he would never love again. Sara would be the first and the last.

He made a promise to himself that he would never be hurt like that ever again. If that meant that he would never find true love again, so be it.