Lily

Chapter 13-The Turtleneck

Why is it that all the supposedly good plans I come up with manage to shatter within the time span of about a month? I mean, just for once I'd love to revel upon how good fortuned I am, what with my quick wit and abnormally large brain power? Am I not allowed to enjoy myself just once?

Obviously not. I mean, I have gone to bed the past twenty-nine days with my mantra constantly buzzing through my brain, "Boys are bad, boys are bad." And now, it all means nothing. I mean, my mantra was as good as any. I suppose it could have used a bit of time and creativity, but I was absolutely sure it would prove to be simple, yet effective. Once more, I've been proven wrong.

And it all goes back to a simple set of Charms notes. Honestly, why did I have to be so blessed in the subject? Why does Flitwick have to pointedly thank the powers of fate for bringing me to him? Why, why, why? I just want to be normal.

Alright, fine, I guess normal is a slightly unreachable goal.

This all began at the end of a particularly masterful Charms class, in which I'd just mastered the art of the Banishing Charm. Honestly, it'd only taken me a total of three tries and I had it down. I could banish anything and everything I wanted. So, when Potter came over to me with his band of miscreants, I was dead set in simply banishing them away. I even had my wand out and everything!

I wasn't about to let the Marauders ruin my perfectly good game plan. No boys meant no boys. Period.

Yet, that stupid Sirius Black just can't keep his fat mouth shut for more than two seconds.

"Put that thing away before you knock someone's eye out," he instructed, taking my wand before I had the chance to properly defend myself. I must have looked like a blubbering fool, standing there, my eyes wide and fearful, my mouth agape and silent in a state of shock.

Remus must have noticed how confused I was, what with the sudden bombardment I was facing. "James, here, has something he needs to ask you."

I briefly let my eyes stray from my wand, which Sirius was whipping about in an absolutely obscene manner. I never handled my wand so carelessly. It was making me very, very nervous. Perhaps that was what forced me to break my previous oath.

"What?" I asked him sharply, sounding much ruder than I had intended. Or maybe not. After all, he was most likely deliberately enjoying the torment I was facing. I mean, breaking my word and having my wand stolen by Sirius Black can be considered a tragedy to anyone.

"Um, well," he began nervously, his eyes resting upon my shoes as my foot tapped impatiently. "Sirius, here, has a cold, as you may have noticed. He's become awfully congested and has been blowing snot during any given opportunity. Stupid swine seems to be enjoying his illness."

"I really am," Black insisted, taking a moment to sneeze obnoxiously, his whole body wobbling as he did so.

James rolled his eyes and sighed as he waited for Sirius to finish. I was really becoming annoyed, despite the fact that I had a free period after Charms. "Obviously, the constant coughing, hacking, sniffling, and snot blowing can serve as a distraction, a gross one at that. Seeing as Sirius and I have always been the closest, Peter and Remus took it upon themselves to declare that I was in charge of providing tissues for him, as well as an optimistic ear for him to complain into. So, while I was doing that, I missed all the notes that we were forced to take on the Banishing Charm. I was wondering if, perhaps, you'd let me borrow yours?"

What was I supposed to say to that? "Oh, better luck next time, Potter?" I may be a bit wicked, but I'm not heartless. Black's nose did look rather red and used tissue was flowing from his pockets. Potter was right; it was disgusting.

"Sure, fine," I told him hurriedly, handing him my notes and just wishing to get away from Black's germs. I really could not afford to be sick. Not right now, anyways.

"Thank you, thank you, thank you," Potter said, putting the notes carefully into his bag. Sirius rolled his eyes and clapped his friend on the back.

"One more and then Evans will fully understand the extent to which you're grateful," he told James, hurrying him along with a slight hand gesture.

"Thank you," he said finally. "I'll get them back to you as soon as I can!"

I hadn't even thought of it when I'd loaned him the notes. Not only would I have to see the stupid delinquent in detention, but he'd also make a point of returning the notes on a different occasion. As the boys left, I smacked myself against the head in frustration. The red mark is still there as living proof of so. Holly thought I'd gotten in another hall brawl, which would have been dubbed, "Hall Brawl '75" due to the passing New Year.

I should have seen that this 'borrowing of notes' ordeal was just another excuse for interaction between the two of us. Why else would he have asked me when Peter, Sirius, and Remus all (most likely) had perfectly reasonable notes? And since when does he even take notes?

Sometimes, I, Lily Evans, am a complete idiot.

XXX

Holly seemed immensely overjoyed when I told her that the plan had been diminished, sadly enough. That girl honestly has no sympathy within her tiny little body. She could have at least pretended she was sad about it. But no, she was practically doing back flips over it.

She also doesn't seem to consider my predicament melodramatic. I told her, I really have been trying to avoid boys entirely. It wasn't just some crazy, whacked out scheme hatched to bring attention to myself. I just wanted to lead a quiet, simple life without needing to bring out the stealth-impaired part of me.

But now, I need to bring ol' stealthy back out. Again, Holly seemed to bark into my ear that it wouldn't work. But when have I ever listened to her?

I'm thinking, black glasses and dark turtlenecks? I mean, when have I ever worn a turtleneck? I have one, of course. I mean, my grandmother practically lives for turtlenecks. What would Lily rather have? A turtleneck or something she might actually enjoy? Turtleneck, it is. Apparently, the turtleneck is not only attractive, but slimming. My grandmother explained to me that I bring a whole new meaning to the term turtleneck. I'm sure that explains a lot about my upbringing and why I've turned out to be prone to insanity.

"Remind me again of why you're breaking out the turtleneck?" Holly inquired, watching as I fumbled to fit my mess of red hair through the top of the 'shirt'. Can it even be considered a shirt?

I didn't even try answering, knowing it was extremely probable that my words would become muffled and Holly would spend hours pouring over exactly how she was supposed to decipher them.

So, to save time, I decided to just go along with my plan and leave her with Jules, a perfectly reasonable companion during my absence. Not that she even likes Jules, which I might add, I secretly resent her for.

I had to get those notes back. I just had to. So, I broke out my biggest, thickest book (Transfiguration, who could have guessed?) and hid myself away behind it, black glasses and turtle neck in tact. If Logan Johnson, who was seated across from me in an opposite arm chair, didn't think I was crazy before, I'm sure he did after that.

I watched as all four Marauders strolled out of the Common Room, Black being set behind a bit due to the impetuous hacking he was ailed with.

So, despite the fact that Logan Johnson was clearly an occupant of the same dorm as the Marauders, I ran up the stairs leading to the boys dormitory. Yes, the antic probably did cause some rumors, as well as suspicions, but sometimes I become afflicted with desperation and it blinds my sense of reason.

Now, let me tell you how putrid and disgusting that dormitory is. I thought Holly was a slob. Trust me, she is anal in comparison to Peter Pettigrew and Sirius Black. I found a half empty jar of jam just lying innocently in the middle of the floor. What in the name of all that is sanitized is a jar of jam, half empty at that, doing in the middle of the floor? I didn't even want to know how the jar came to be half empty. There were socks spewed…everywhere.

As horrified as I was, I knew I had come to the dorm on a mission. So, I walked as quickly over to James Potter's bed (or so I assumed, what with untouched hair products) and began rummaging through his school things. I needed those notes back. I didn't want to have another encounter with him. If I had those notes back, I could avoid talking to him for the rest of eternity. I mean, with such a pleasant thought as that serving as my motivation, it's a wonder I had loaned the notes to him in the first place.

Yet, when I heard a slight cough come from the doorway, I froze. I had never felt more like a criminal than I did at that very moment. And the worst part about it was that the first thought that came to mind was, "God, I'm wearing a turtleneck. I'm going to be expelled in a turtleneck."

I turned to see Logan Johnson, that stupid, boring bugger, standing in the doorway with his arms crossed. Honestly, doesn't he have anything better to do? Maybe I could get Holly to date him and then, perhaps, he wouldn't always be so nosy and intrusive. Hell, I wouldn't place that burden upon her. His dullness is an annoyance to anyone. I swear, talking to a crumpet would be more interesting. No wonder I referred to him as 'the Keeper' for three years. Thinking about it, I didn't refer to him at all before he even landed on the Quidditch team. That is how dull he is.

"Lily," he said, his tone obviously full of judgement. As if he'd never gone through someone else's things. "What are you doing?"

"Nothing," I told him quickly, dropping the text book that had been in my hand.

"Listen," he said, rolling his eyes a bit at the situation. What was he doing rolling his eyes like that at me for? If anyone should have been rolling their eyes, it should have damn well been me. "I know that you like me, but I thought I made everything clear last time we talked. I mean, I just don't find you all that interesting, Lily. So, I think it'd be best if you just stopped stalking me."

Excuse me? First of all, me? Boring? That ship had sailed, Johnson, and I believe it was you who was first mate. Secondly, how in the hell did he come up with the impression that I was stalking him? I mean, I was stalking him, but couldn't he just get over that for one tiny minute? He flatters himself far too much.

"I'm not stalking you," I told him, clearly, and I repeat, clearly annoyed.

"Then why're you going through my backpack? And why are you uncomfortably close to my bed?" he asked, raising his eyebrows suspiciously.

I sighed. Of course I'd gone to the wrong bed. I obviously wasn't meant to lead the life of a criminal. I couldn't even steal from the right bloke.

"You mean, these hair products aren't Potter's?" I asked him, blabbering the first thing that came to mind.

"James? James doesn't even use hair products," Logan said, as if I was currently residing on the intellectually challenged rung of the social scale.

"Well, that much is obvious," I grumbled under my breath before looking up at him and smiling. "Do you happen to know where Potter has my Charms notes?"

Logan scratched his head before answering thoughtfully, "Probably with him. I mean, his bag is missing."

And I call myself observant. How had I not noticed that Potter had left with his blasted bag? This entire klepto act was a waste of perfectly adequate time.

"Thank you for your help, Johnson," I said quickly. "Have a nice life!"

And with that, I ran out of the dormitory, through the Portrait Hole, and exited the Common Room. And all the while I was doing so, that damn turtleneck was itching.

XXX

Currently, at this present moment, I am residing in a broom closet. Don't ask me how or why I climbed into this storage facility, but I did. I blame the turtleneck. It's getting quite carried away with this stealth business.

And do you know who's sitting on the ground outside of this broom closet? The Marauders, of course. You know what this means, don't you? This means that I can't leave this damn broom closet until they get their lazy arses off the dirty, scummy ground. I don't know who in the world would prefer studying on the ground opposed to the library, but I never said the Marauders were in their right mind.

I could hardly call what they're doing studying anyways. I mean, they're chatting their bloody heads off about anything and everything known to man. Right now, I believe they're talking about pranks. Boys are so predictable. And I really have to pee.

"We haven't had a proper prank in so long," Potter sighed, tapping his pen annoyingly against his text book. I knew it was him doing it as he does it frequently against the table in detention. Drives me out of my mind.

"Speak for yourself," Black declared, his voice sounding distinctly raspy and stifled. "Only yesterday I was pranking that complete bubble, Aubrey. It was glorious, I tell you. There he was, just minding his own business when wham! Out of nowhere I came like a bat taking an evening fly out of hell! I was all, 'Aubrey, you've got mustard on your robes'. Which, of course, he didn't. I was just making it up, you see. The stupid git fell for it! You should have seen the shock in his eyes as, to his surprise, he found the exterior of his robes perfectly clean. There was no mustard! No stain at all! But he looked and now, I am officially a god."

The way Black talked about himself, you'd think he'd been trapped alone in a room his entire life with no one to talk to but the wall.

"Sirius," Remus commented, sort of whigged out by the sound of it. "That wasn't a prank. Or at least not a good prank."

"Yeah," Sirius sighed. "I suppose you're right. I guess it's this damn cold that's got my spirits down."

"Sirius," James said, angrily. From the way he said it, you'd think he'd have had to repeat it a million times. "How many times have I told you not to mention any illnesses you may develop? You know as well as anyone that Peter apparently 'comes down' with whatever illness others have."

"Do not," Peter protested, causing the others to snort in recollection of previous instances. "I don't!" he insisted. "Sirius' germs just spread rapidly. It's not my fault if my immune system is weaker than others. I was born prematurely."

"Peter," Sirius began, hardly audible through Remus and James' laughter. "Do I have to bring up the one instance in which you claimed to be menstruating because you heard Sally Weathers use that excuse during Quidditch?"

Boys have no shame whatsoever. I mean, how much more of their mindless banter could I take? I thought my head was going to explode. Luckily, I heard them stand up, someone bashing their head accidentally into the broom cupboard door. Probably Potter. Not that it matters, anyways. His big head is awfully durable, I'll tell you. Size truly is everything.

Today I've not only endured over an hour of Marauder babble, but also, I've been wearing a turtleneck for even longer. And yet, I still haven't gotten my notes back.

Plus, I'm itchy. My stupid grandmother probably laced the shirt with mothballs before she gave it to me.

Going to go slump my way back to the dorm.

Hopefully I'll have those damn notes back tomorrow,

Lily

A/N: Hope you liked it. Please review.