DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN INUYASHA!

AUTHOR'S WARNING: IF YOU ARE NOT A SESS/RIN FAN DO NOT READ…THIS IS A VERY AND I MEAN VERY DARK FIC. FOR THOSE WHO HAVE THE BRAVERY TO READ THIS, I COMMEND YOU ALL. THANK YOU VERY MUCH…NO FLAMES PLEASE. OH YES, NOT A HAPPY FIC.

JOURNAL ENTRY ONE

Hello, my name is Rin; this is the first time I've ever written in a journal. So if I make any mistakes, please forgive me. Though I highly doubt that there is any wrong way as to how to write in a journal, I still believe I should at least be careful as to how I write what I'm about to say. It's stormy tonight; the sky is covered with the dark skies of the incoming storm-to-be. It's quiet like every night but for some people, it'll never be as quiet… I'm suffering from voices within me…terrible voices. They tell me of my wrongs and how stupid I was to actually think that I would be happy with him. Yes, 'him' is what I will call that person for now. He is my beloved; the dearest person in my heart and the one and only for me in this life. Though you might wonder as to why I would refer to him in such an unaffectionate way…you'll understand why in just a moment.

My story started off when I was younger, I was an orphan and just like any orphan I came to live in an orphanage home. I lived in a positive environment; where dreams were allowed to be created and followed as to how ever we wished to accomplish it, not at all as it is now a days. I had many friends, young and old… They were my greatest of friends even though I was not able to speak with them as much as I wanted to. I had no siblings but I had three other friends that I consider as siblings; their names were Higurashi Kikyou and Kagome (sisters too, might I add), along with Taijiya Sango. They were the greatest of friends anyone could have, Kikyou was the oldest of us all being 18 at the time; she was trying to become a good shine maiden also known as 'miko,' in Japanese terms. While Kagome, her sister, was trying to be the best doctor around, her love for people made her go into the art of healing; and because of my status as a mute inspired her even more. Sango though, wished to become a great lawyer who would be able to defend all the good people from the bad.

All of them had great dreams…all but I, for my life was so dull without words; I was not able to express myself to them and sign language did nothing to help me either. I always envied my friends as they told me about their hopes and dreams, they sound so determined, so happy and at that moment, they never looked more beautiful in my eyes as they did then. Kagome and Sango spent their time with me the most, since Kikyou was always training; I kind of felt bad for Kikyou though, it must have been hard. Kagome took on a lot of school work but miraculously always found time for Sango and I. Sango was similar to Kagome only she had to have more experience as a lawyer so she shadowed her mother a whole lot more. She also had a younger brother named, Kohaku; he was very generous young man with good looks and gentle spirit. He was older than me by two years but younger than Sango by two as well.

We all went into the same high school together and left school separately but that didn't stop us from still communicating with one another. I heard Kagome and Kikyou had some problems in college though, something dealing with loving the same guy who doesn't know how he wants…I guess. At that time I thought it was unthinkable and he was very stupid but now…I guess I can say I was the stupid really. I knew nothing about their dilemmas but judged them emotionally, blinded by the love for my friends I shunned myself from the truths that were always there; or at least that's what he told me. I guess it's true though, while I came out of school I soon enrolled into a community college and majored in art. It was hard but the teachers had great faith in me and I tried my hardest not to disappoint them. Thinking back on it now…I feel as though this is all nostalgic to me, how ironic it is to think about this now.

Anyways, after a long while of not being able to communicate with Kagome and Kikyou for a while; I soon learn that Kikyou died in an accident. It was all over the news in fact, it hit me kind of hard since to me Kikyou was almost like a mother. She was kind, gentle and very soft-spoken who was able to cook, clean like no other. It was sad to know such a great woman died so tragically. Soon Kagome came to me, broken as though there was no way to repair her. I've never seen her so lost, sad and alone; it was like me when I just lost my parents at a young age. She moved in with me after that, though I owned a small apartment; it was alright in the end since it did have two rooms. Kagome didn't want to be alone during the first month though, she continuously came into my room at night wanting to be held and cry about something I couldn't understand. She also kept calling out Kikyou's name while she did all of this, it was quite a sight. The once proud and strong Kagome broke into nothing…I remember catching myself crying in her place for her. I mean, who wouldn't? She looked so pathetic and filled with such anguish…it was nothing like the Kagome I use to know; who was carefree as well as loving towards everyone and everything around her.

Soon I made enough money to move out, and I took Kagome with me seeing as she was in no condition to live on her own. I made my living off advertising and mechanical drawing for the many technical industries around the place I lived at before. It was good pay and for that, I lived well…not exactly rich but not exactly poor either. Just the way I liked it, it was simple and quiet…like how my parents use to live or at least what I remember of them anyways. After moving out into the country I bought a big house, that was two stories high with four bedrooms, a big kitchen, living room, dining room, and two bathrooms. I know it sounds big and in a way it was big, and it was all thanks to the man I was dating at the time. His name was Onigumo Naraku, and I have to say listening to him and caring for him was the biggest mistake of my life.

I remember coming home one day to see how Kagome was doing, but what greeted me was a horrid sight; my friend was on the ground covered in blood, naked as the day she was born and looked ragged as a doll. I can't really recall what I did after that but I do know that I took her to the hospital and soon learned about my boyfriend's disgusting secret that he kept from me. He's been into Kagome ever since High school, I knew he looked familiar but was never able to place him out from the rest. Big mistake, turns out that he finally tracked her down and decided to use me to get to her…I was sick into my stomach when I digested all of this. I was hurt that he would use me but I was angrier with him than sad by his betrayal. I do recall threatening him to stay away from my friend and he had the nerve to smirk at me mockingly before telling me I was nothing and that I should use 'big words' if I don't know how to put them into action. THAT had me enraged, and it was because of that I started school again. I made sure that I received my master's degree in art AND business…my fiery hate for that man fueled me to achieve such a high goal. Not to mention seeing my friend cry every single night since the raping incident as well…no that was just the beginning. I contacted my friend Sango was building her fame as one of the greatest lawyers around, to help me bring down that bastard. She was more than happy to help and I was only more thrilled to finish what I've started not that long ago.

Then…IT happened, Kagome found that she was pregnant…and I was shocked, no dread-ridden. My friend my wonderful friend was not only raped but is now going to suffer the consequences of it. No…it was too sad to believe and accept, in fact I recall falling out of my studies for a while too. Without Sango's boyfriend, Miroku helping me through it I don't think I would have made it through. Soon I was successful at achieving my goals and started business in the art departments. I've opened up countless of companies around the world, bring Kagome along with me so I can protect her as well, on my trips. It seem so long ago that I have done all of this…bringing up all of these memories seem to lighten up a part of me that had been sealed off a long time ago. Back to the story though, after her birthing took place; she and I took care of the child. I was still suffering under guilt as to what happened to her so I took care of her duteously without fail.

Later on though, we ran into a man named, Takahashi Inuyasha; he claimed to be Kagome's lover in the past. Though he also seemed vaguely familiar to me as well, I learned not to trust anyone that I could almost place. And so I refused his plea to see Kagome…had it not been Kagome running out to see him, I would have never allowed such a union to take place. In a way, I guess I took over the roll of Kagome's mother…but watching them greet one another so lovingly I have to admit that I was jealous. Very jealous…but I knew it was not their fault; she went through a huge ordeal already so it was only right to give her some happiness back. It was that thought that kept me going after that, her child; Isamu took on his father's features…much to Kagome and my displeasure but he had Kagome's personality and that's what made him more lovable than he was with his looks. Inuyasha seem to be suffering as well, I learned a while afterwards that he had a relationship with Kikyou and at the same time had an affair with Kagome.

I was upset beyond belief when I heard of this and was more angered than before, but I never spoke a word of it out…since I could not talk. Then…a miracle happened to me, Inuyasha wanted to participate in the plan to bring down Naraku and so contacted his HALF elder brother to help; since he and Naraku have a certain hate going as well. Reminiscing back now, I could see how I first looked when I saw Inuyasha's older brother, also known as him. His name was Takahashi Sesshoumaru…he was gorgeous, absolutely perfect to the boot. I couldn't understand as to why he was so cold though and that was one of the many things that attracted me to him.

Sesshoumaru and Inuyasha never seemed to get along…always arguing or in Inuyasha's case anyways over the stupidest things. Over a little comment, they would 'kindly talk' to one another for hours to come. If it wasn't for Kagome interfering I bet they would go on for hours to come. I on the other hand, was the 'quiet one' as Inuyasha liked to put it and in a way I hated it. Since he would always make fun of what I can't do; which is talk like a normal person. Another reason why I didn't like him at times but he proved to be a good match for Kagome; they were hot headed people and belonged to one another. He often told me I'd be the perfect match for 'Sesshy,' or 'Icicle' as he'd say for Sesshoumaru's name. I knew if I could talk then, I would have laughed at how Inuyasha was beaten into a pulp after that.

Yes…the good ole days it was, not exactly how it came to be in the end though. I was famous for my great work in the art field and was hired by many, which only helped me more on my quest for vengeances. Sesshoumaru was my other successful partner in crime since Inuyasha and Kagome was too occupied with one and the other then. He and I spent a lot of time together but what shocked me the most was when he could understand sign language. He never told me as to how he came to learn sign language but it didn't bother me since I was no one special of his to actually learn more about him. The more I spend time with him though, the more fascinated I became with him. I did tell you all that he was 'perfect' right? Well…he proved me right with his ways.

He was uncaring, cold and very calculate; never spending time with the 'regular' people or the public as he would say, at all. He rather spends his time in his house either watching the news or reading a new paper and working things for his companies. I in a way was very similar only I spend more time with Kagome and Inuyasha than he ever would. That was something that makes us different, at least when it comes to spending time with people anyways he and I was indeed different. After a while though we started to confide in one another more, well in his case anyways; he told me of what he dreamed of doing and how he will achieve it. He sound so proud and very strict about everything too…I was kind of astonish at his speech when he told me of his goals in life. I came out of the blue…which is something I started to get use to after a while. He was kind of random when it came to discussing about life…whether it was during the oddest moments in the office or during the most romantic scene ever, he would tell me about his views in life.

I was captivated every time he spoke though; he did not speak with a lot of emotions through his views, and that's what amazed me the most. He gave me a new perspective in life whenever he gave me the privilege of listening to one of his lectures…and gave me new hope to the cruel world after it all. He was…inspiring really, and soon I found myself in love with the man. He never spoke of his liaisons with women but I knew he had some action going on in his life; a man like him was bound to have plenty of them. I was proven correct when I received a phone call one day, from a woman. She had this husky sweet voice that promised much pleasure to the receiver…and I was 'luckily' on the line at time. Since I could not talk I had to listen to the whole conversation of what she would like to have and what she would do for him in return. I was heartbroken that he took pleasures in other women, but I knew as well as he did that he was his own person. It was his choice to take pleasures in what ever woman he wanted…and that person just happens not to be me.

I was sad yes, but was not deterred…I soon got my act together and started to display myself more careful to the public. From a woman of almost secure and very private with her body, I made my body into that of a model's figure. With long limbs, lean figure and captivating smile; I showed every male species out there that I was available. My dressing was still the same but from the many long pants I use to wear, I changed it into skirts that hugged by thighs but was still sophisticated in a sense. I wasn't 'showy' and nor was I 'conceited,' I was trying to get over Sesshoumaru by getting a male of my own to help comfort and love me as his comforts does him. I guess that's where I went right in a sense…a bunch of males were on to me then, loads more like it. Inside the office to outside, there were plenty of males to pick from but for some reason I kept comparing them to Sesshoumaru and his perfection in my eyes. At that time, Sesshoumaru seemed rather piqued for some reason.

At that time I didn't understand that my change has done things to him as well, but my woman's tuition definitely led me right then. I confirmed by beliefs after a hot moment in the office with him, sure it was kinky but it worked. He was indeed interested, I felt hurt that he was interested into my new look and not really me but at that time I didn't care. We continued our make-out sessions until one day…it all changed. We were on a break through as to bringing down Naraku, by having samples of his past crimes and Kagome's child to prove his sin; we conducted the best way to bring him down…way down. He and I were very pleased at the outcome, and so we decided to go out that night…just the two of us. We went to his house that night; dancing to a waltz, listening and gazing at the ocean's scenery on a balcony, along with a great meal…it was the perfect night for any woman. I kind of wondered if this was what he did with other women too as I were there doing such things with him. That night he and I were quite drunk too, we were glad to have finally found the flaws in Naraku's evil plans and kick back into jail. In fact, we were so laid back…we did the unthinkable. Or at least, I did the unthinkable…I brought him to the bed.

My ultimate sin I tell you all now…was that night, I not only lost my virginity but also my dignity; the very morning I woke up I found I was cheated. He was gone, and when I went back into the office I found everything missing as well, more importantly the files we had on Naraku. Later that night I found out that Isamu was killed that night, after the whole ordeal; Naraku offered me a pact. If I gave upon my idea to bring him down, then he will give me Sesshoumaru…I at the time was stupid enough to think that he was innocent and had only disappeared because he was captured during the night of our consummating. I had no idea as to what he really was or as to what he was really doing. I gave Naraku my word, to save Sesshoumaru the man I love, I gave Naraku my word. As Naraku promised, he gave me Sesshoumaru back…yes he gave him back indeed. As the true man he was…and not the man that I wanted either. To me…that man was a husk, forever in my eyes.

You see, after he was 'released' from Naraku's evil grasp; he and I lived 'happily and peacefully.' What a dream, I'll give you all the real version of what happened afterwards…he soon married me; we were known as the 'dream couple.' He the handsome great male, I the wonderful beautiful female; we were a match made from heaven. Now that…was funny. After a few months of supposed 'love,' I became pregnant. Our first child, Aiko; he soon sought comfort in other women's arms though…as a matter of fact; he's been within other women's arms ever since forever. I guess in a way I was never good enough for him. I was affronted by such acrimonious act, and soon confronted him for it. He told me it was nothing to worry about and tried over and over again to assure me. It ended in bed though…every night was the same, we yell, we argue and then we kiss and go to bed. It always ended in our bedroom on our bed with me getting familiar with our sheets.

I was indignant as to how things were working out, but after I learned of my pregnancy I once more tried to work things out with him. Seeing as Kagome and Inuyasha doesn't wish to speak with me no more after the incident and Sango was too busy with her own life, I was stuck to live out my own problems. I was frustrated that I could not speak…and was beyond infuriated when I could not tell him of my sadness and more. So one day I forced myself to speak…only to end up coughing up blood but I tried again and again. It was hopeless for me but then one day I received a phone call from one of his mistresses. Her name was Kagura; I recognized her name since she was the daughter of the man I hated: Naraku. I was now outraged. She told me of the meeting place and what time to be there…when my husband asks me if he had any messages I said nothing because I wanted to see if he will go. And…he did, he left me at home alone with our child and soon approaching child to go to that woman. I was so upset I took Aiko with me to their meeting place; I was silent about it though. I did not reveal anything to no one, with a slight disguise I was off to see what exactly my husband do with the woman…not that I didn't know already anyways.

That night though, was the true breaking for me; he watched as he lovingly accompanied her to those many fancy restaurants that I've always dreamed about accompanying him too. I witness as he publicly displayed affection to her with little kisses and hand holding…I also had to see as he showed her to one of the five stars hotel! I couldn't bare it…but I moved onwards to show my daughter what exactly it was that her father does when he's not with us. I let her listen to that woman's moans of pleasure inside the room, I let her listen to her father calling out that woman's name…I even let her witness the sight by opening the door slightly for her to see it all as I could imagine it all in my head. She was shocked and confused but being the good age of ten and wise enough to comprehend what was happening, she soon broke down into tears. I held her little mouth so she wouldn't make too much noise though, and closed the door to leave after that. That night…was the end of everything I've ever believed in or hoped for…everything.

I later found Sesshoumaru was in league with Naraku. I was furious and still am now…after everything I've done for him he betrayed me! He betrayed US…our relationship and more, then again now that I think about it. There never really was an 'us,' there was also a lot of 'him' though. Ever since from day one he deceived Inuyasha, Kagome and I; ever since I laid eyes on him he knew of my attraction to him and took it into advantage…but not tonight. If you noticed my handwriting is getting disheveled, I just gave birth to my second daughter. I'll name her Reiha; in Japanese it means, 'Cold Feathers.' I think it's suiting to my daughter. With her pale complexion and doll like features, she was perfect…like him. She did not cry when she came out nor did she scream, she was a silent and good baby. I'm getting tired though…and all that blood has to be cleaned soon. I'm tired now though, so I'll clean it up later…until then. Oh my…my daughter opened her eyes; she's so beautiful with her eerie golden eyes…so much…like…him.

Author's Note: Just to let you all know, she died. Thanks for reading, leave a review please. This is only one of the many random chapters I'm going to make.