Title: Surviving Exile

Author: Anisky

Summary: Based on my little "Finding Solace" vignette. Lizzie and Miranda enter high school, and change isn't always good.

Rating: PG-13 (so far) For cursing, eating disorders and sexual/lesbian themes

Disclaimer: Miranda, Gordo, Lizzie, Kate, etc all, do not belong to me. They are the property of Disney Channel.

Reviews: Yes please. All flames will be put towards my annual campfire where I roast yummy marshmallows.

A/N: Man, what is it with me and this fic? I seem to update it once a year… literally. I forget about it and think it's abandoned and then suddenly I get the urge to write another chapter. In this fic, Miranda does not have a little sister. If Disney can be random and mess up chronology, then I can ignore the object of their inconsistencies. Anyway, as in the last chapter, I do not condone or promote eating disorders in any way. On the flip side, I don't condemn homosexuality in any way. It will pick up next chapter. The groundwork just needed to be laid, and from here on in. I actually feel like I'm going to continue it soon this time, too.

Chapter 4: Breaking Me

I woke up the next morning, and for a moment I almost managed to convince myself that yesterday had just been some horrible nightmare and today was actually the first day of high school.

I glanced at my watch and saw that it was, indeed, Wednesday, September 6th. Yesterday had been the first day of school.

I muttered a curse under my breath. I'd woken up before my alarm, probably because I had gone to bed so early the day before. I had plenty of time to get ready for school.

It's not surprising, though, that I couldn't really bring myself to feel much excitement about it. I'd only been in high school for one day, and already I couldn't wait for it to be over. I groaned and pulled my covers over my head, snuggling deeper into the bed.

No, I told myself firmly, and forced myself to get out of bed. You are not going to give up that easily.

I stared at myself in the mirror, pajama-clad with morning hair, and gave myself a mental pep talk.

I can pretend that yesterday was just a nightmare, I insisted to myself. One day won't do anything. Bad first impressions aren't the end of the world, and anyway, there are plenty of people who you didn't even meet yesterday. One day won't break you. There is still time to turn things around. Lizzie probably won't even stay friends with this people for very long. It always takes a while to settle into high school.

That sounded pretty good, and so I managed to talk the pit in my stomach into submission. That decided, I cast a more critical eye to myself in the mirror, turning to one side and then to the other.

Well, I decided, I was too fat. A more serious diet was definitely on the agenda.

But that wasn't something that I could change right now. I would eat less, but it took time for weight to come off, so in the meantime I should concentrate on what I could control. I would not make the same mistake as yesterday. I wouldn't wear anything objectionable today.

I thought about dying my hair back to its original blackish, but I didn't have any hair dye and didn't have a way of getting it before school today.

Jeans. Those were always safe, right? Tons of girls yesterday were wearing jeans. I chose a nice pair without any holes.

I searched through my closet for a good shirt. What would Lizzie wear? I eventually pulled out a cute cropped green shirt, sleeveless but covering my shoulders, so it should fit the dress code. I slipped it on and considered myself in the mirror. I topped it off with cute shoes I'd bought at the end of last year while shopping in the mall with Lizzie. I was still fat, but really, not too bad.

I couldn't think of anything to do with my hair, so eventually I just tied it back into a ponytail, hoping it would hide some of the colors. It didn't really but there was nothing else I could do. I spent about an hour on my makeup, putting on eye shadow and deciding it looked bad and removing it and trying again, repeat with lipstick, eyeliner, and foundation.

I ran out the door, calling a quick goodbye to my mother to avoid her so that she wouldn't ask if I'd eaten breakfast. I was early to the bus stop and had to wait for almost twenty minutes. I couldn't stop fidgeting as I stood there awkwardly on the corner. Yesterday had just been so horrible.

I wished desperately that I could hide and just scrap the whole high school thing.

Oh, grow a spine, Sanchez! I scolded myself. Stop being such a baby. You're in high school now.

When the bus finally came, I slipped into a seat alone and just stared out the window the whole way.

I didn't manage to find Lizzie that morning before classes started. I lingered in the entrance hoping to find her for so long that I left myself barely enough time to run to my English class.

I was the last one to arrive (except for the teacher), and there were only two empty desks left. One of them was right in front of Claire, to the front right of Kate, and the other one was in the dead front and center of the class. I saw Michelle sitting in the middle of the room, but she wasn't looking towards me.

I put my head down and slipped into the front seat quickly, keeping my head down and praying that Kate would just leave me alone.

She was too busy flirting with the guy sitting next to her, and I was mercifully spared from her barbs since the teacher walked in soon after I did.

My other morning classes similarly passed without anything horrible, and though there wasn't much good either, I at least held out some hope that today would be better than yesterday.

Until, of course, lunch.

I bought food by sheer force of habit, because that was what I was supposed to do with my lunch money. It was only afterwards that I stared down at the tray dumbly, wondering why I had it.

I looked desperately around the lunchroom in hope that somebody who hadn't occurred to me yesterday would be sitting somewhere.

Nope.

I sighed and decided to head over to the table with Jessie, Joey, and the others I met yesterday. I'd never found out their names. They were the "weirdoes", but it was marginally better than sitting alone.

On the way towards their table I saw Kate and her friends near me. I tried to walk around the other way to avoid them, but I was already too near, and I found myself unexpectedly bumping into Kate, hard. Much too hard for it to have been a mere accident. My lunch tray fell to the floor, clattering as all the food flew off in various directions. Several heads turned our way as I flushed red.

"Look where you're going!" She wrinkled her nose and jumped back to avoid the fries hitting her shoe.

"You did that on purpose!" I exclaimed angrily, glaring at her and folding my arms. The people sitting near us looked on in interest.

She rolled her eyes. "Don't blame your clumsiness on me, Loser-chez."

It wasn't even a clever insult, but all the girls around her tittered, and I just glowered as I bent over to put the dirtied food back on the tray. They were gone by the time I stood up, and I headed over to the trashcan to throw everything away.

At least, I thought glumly, that solved the problem of what to do with the food.

I still had time to kill at lunch, so I decided to head to that table again.

"Hey, it's the fresh meat girl," one of the guys whose name I didn't know said jokingly as I sat down.

I searched for something witty to say in response by couldn't come up with anything, so just said "Hey" lamely in response.

"I saw that cheerleader girl bothering you again," Jessie said.

"Yeah," was all I could think of to say.

"Want some of my lunch?" she offered, but I just shook my head.

"No thanks."

My stomach grumbled loudly, and I hoped they didn't hear it.

We sat there a moment, until I decided to break the ice and say, "So I didn't get all your names last time—would you mind?"

"Not at all," Joey told me with a smile. "I'm Joey," he pointed to himself, "Jessie," pointed to her, "Cassie, Eli, Will, and Mike," he pointed at two girls and then two guys in that order. The one who had called me 'fresh meat' was Will.

"Hi," I tried to smile.

"You're Miranda, right?" Jessie asked.

"Right," I said.

"You're toned down today," Eli noted.

"I didn't want to make any more enemies than I already have," I told her.

"You look boring," Joey told me. "It doesn't suit you. You're not a boring person."

"How do you know?" I asked him, nevertheless feeling gratified at the unexpected compliment. "You don't know me."

"I can tell," he said with a smile.

I tried to conjure up a crush on him, yet for some reason I just didn't have interest.

I remembered the fun, happy lunches outside in middle school with Lizzie, and missed them.

How ironic, I thought, I never thought I'd miss middle school.

Yet I did, desperately. Or rather, I missed Lizzie.

I could at least look forward to seeing Gordo next period in Biology, though for some reason I felt oddly sour at the thought.

As I got to the Biology room and stepped in, I wondered for a brief moment if I had become psychic, because there was Gordo, speaking to Kate and looking as though he actually wanted to be.

I shot him a confused and somewhat angry look, and stalked to the back of the classroom, sitting in a desk far away from everybody.

Gordo came over quickly. "Miranda," he began, but the bell rang just then and he had to turn around as the teacher yelled for the class to pay attention.

"I'll talk to you after school, okay?" he said when the class ended as we filed into the hallway.

I shrugged, still hurt, fuming that one of my best friends would be talking so cheerfully to the girl who had slammed into me an hour ago and been terrorizing me.

The rest of my classes were uneventful, which the way things were going was probably a good thing. Unfortunately the teachers had all seemed to decide that since it officially wasn't the first day anymore, it was time to start piling endless amounts of homework on us. I tried to look open and friendly in between all of my classes, but I didn't really find anybody to talk to and try to make friends with.

Lizzie had made friends so effortlessly yesterday. Why was I having such trouble?

What was wrong with me? Had I done something wrong, that everything was going so terribly?

When the final bell rang, I packed up all of my stuff and kept my head down as I bolted to my bus. I did not want to run into anybody on my way out of the school. Not Gordo, certainly not Kate, and not even Lizzie.

I went home. My vision swam from hunger, and I ate a low-fat yogurt that was exactly 100 calories. Then I sat down at my desk in my room doing homework until dinnertime. My mother came and forced me to come down to eat, and I pushed my food around on my plate until she demanded what was wrong with me. I told her that I wasn't feeling well (that was true, even though it was mentally rather than physically), and she sent me up to get some rest.

About an hour later, she knocked on my door and opened it a crack. I was lying in my bed, but I couldn't sleep.

"It's Miranda on the phone," Mom told me, "are you feeling well enough to go to the mall with Gordo and her?"

I thought about it for a moment. Of course I wasn't really sick, except for hunger. Lizzie could probably cheer me up, as long as she didn't bring any more new friends along.

I imagined Lizzie, Gordo and me walking through the mall. They would probably be holding hands and acting like boyfriend and girlfriend. Since, after all, that's what they were.

"No," I said, turning over and facing the wall. "No, sorry, I still feel sick."

My mother left.

At least, I reflected, lying in my bed still in the clothing I'd worn that day, I had only eaten a hundred calories that day. That was pretty good. No matter how bad my day had been, I still had that.

I sighed and rolled onto my back, staring at the ceiling. I wasn't tired, but I couldn't think of anything to do that seemed the least bit appealing. So I just lied there in my bed for hours, and eventually I fell asleep. The end of another bad day.