The storm that had started earlier continued. Rumbling thunder rolled across the hills and fields, booming louder and louder as it approached. A hard, driving rain and fierce wind followed right along side. Dally stood quietly by the window in the room where Johnny slept, watchinig it all. This was the kind of storm Dally loved. It's strength and violence fascinated him. No matter how tough he thought he was, nature could always show him up. Dally cupped his hands over the glass, trying to block the light from the fireplace and hoping to see at least a little bit of the storm through the black curtain of night that had descended over the fields and forests of the Cade property. He glanced briefly at Johnny who appeared to still be sleeping deeply. For that, Dally was relieved. Because althought this was his kind of show, he didn't think Johnny would enjoy it.
He knew he should have been sleeping too. He was still feeling horribly queezy and he ached all over. The doctor had given him some pain medication, but he'd been too stubborn to take it. He knew it would make him fall asleep, and right now he needed to be awake for Johnny. Dally figured he could sleep later.
He watched for several minutes as the lightning bolts danced in the blackness, occasionally lighting the area to the point where it almost looked like day. In those brief moments, he watched as the branches of the trees bowed down to the merciless wind.
Then a crash of thunder came that actually shook the house.
In Johnny's dream he heard the gun shot again and again. He saw Dally fall to the ground in the darkness. Each time he watched from a distance, but he couldn't move. He couldn't stop it from happening.
Finally, he heard the gun shot so loud that he felt it in his whole body. He sucked in air, bolted forward and screamed, "DALLY! NO!"
Dally almost jumped as he turned to see Johnny sitting up in bed. But Johnny wasn't looking at him. He didn't even seem to know that Dally was in the room.
Johnny let out a soft whimper, pulled his legs up to his chest and rested his head on his knees and started to cry.
Dally, please don't be dead, he thought silently. Oh, please, don't be dead...
Concerned, Dally sat down beside him and touched his arm. "Johnny? Hey, you ok, buddy?"
Johnny insides turned to ice as he drew in a sharp breath and whirled around to face whoever was beside him, unaware that anyone else was in the room.
"Hey... easy, kid. It's just me..." Dally said softly.
Johnny stared at him in disbelief. "Dally?"
Johnny just looked at him, his brow wrinkling, his expression a mixture of fear, doubt and such saddness that Dally's heart actually ached. He was trembling, breathing rapidly and his eyes were welling up with tears.
Dally sat, not moving, not sure what Johnny's reaction to him being there would be. He thought about standing, moving back a little. He wasn't sure if Johnny was still mad or not, and he certainly wouldn't blame him if he was. But before he could move, Johnny hesitantly reached out his hand and touched Dally's arm, as though checking to see if Dally was real.
Dally watched curiously as Johnny drew back his hand and gasped, his breathing ragged. And suddenly, to his surprise, Johnny leaned forward and threw his arms around Dally's neck.
The pain in Dally's shoulder intensified, but he ignored it. He put his arms around Johnny anyway and as soon as he touched him, Dally had to fight back his own tears. He felt another wave of relief wash over him as he held on to Johnny. He was alive. He was ok. A little distraught at the moment, but otherwise all right.
But then Dally began to realize that Johnny was far more than "a little distraught". He was choking on tears and his whole body trembled and burned with fever.
"Oh, hey... hey, buddy, it's all right..." Dally whispered. "You scared the hell out of me, kid... I didn't know what happened to you."
Johnny couldn't even speak.
"Shh... it's all right..." Dally whispered and held him tighter. He was not used to such displays of compassion and he was surprised to find that Johnny's emotional breakdown was not making him incredibly uncomfortable. Instead, he was just so relieved to see the kid alive that nothing bothered him. Johnny could have cried on his shoulder for the rest of the night and Dally would've just sat there holding him. "You just had a bad dream. It's ok... it's ok."
But not only was he not uncomfortable, he was really scared for the kid. What was wrong with him? Dally thought, worriedly. Had it just been the dream? Was he devastated by the loss of his parents or traumatized by how it had happened? Did he even know what happened? He had rarely seen Johnny cry before except that time that the socs had jumped him. And even then, it had been nothing like this. The kid was terrified. Something had scared him really badly.
He wondered if Johnny was still mad at him. But if he was, why was he hugging him with every ounce of strength he had? Was he still half asleep? Would he regain his senses in a few minutes and remember how angry he had been the last time they had spoken? The last time they had spoken... Things began to become a little clearer as Dally suddenly remembered that the last time Johnny saw him, he'd just taken a bullet in the shoulder. But Johnny didn't know it was only his shoulder. Johnny thought-
"Oh my gosh, kid, you thought I was dead, didn't you?" They all had though that! Tom, Will, Wendy, all of them! Though all but Johnny thought he'd drown...The reaction from everyone when he'd turned up on the porch made more sense to him now.
He could feel a feeble nod through the trembling.
"Aw, Johnnycake, no... I'm fine...Everything's all right, I'm right here...oh, kid... c'mon, don't cry, everything's all right..."
Dally tried to gently push him back so he could wipe the tears off his face and maybe get him to lie down, but Johnny tensed and just held on to him tighter. He was crying even more now, his voice was wracked with sobs, but he tried to get words out anyway. "Dally..."
"All right, all right..." Dally soothed, putting his arms back around Johnny. He rubbed his back and held him tightly. "I ain't gonna let you go. Hey... C'mon, it's all right, I'm right here... why are you crying, kiddo?" Dally whispered gently. He kept his voice soft and steady. It took every ounce of his effort not to let his own fear show in his voice. He chewed nervously at his lower lip, he was completely out of his element. He didn't know what to do.
Johnny, who usually shyed away from being touched at all, was holding on to Dally like he was clinging to life itself. Then he uttered something that took Dally by complete surprise.
"..I'm... so s-sorry... I-I didn't-"
"What?" Dally asked, startled. He finally managed to push him back and he took Johnny's face in his hands. "No, Johnny, what are you sorry about? My gosh kid, you didn't do anything wrong... "
"I... I saw you... tonight... you were here- I tried to touch you, but my hand went right through you-" Johnny said, on to another subject, his thoughts a jumbled mess of confusion. "It was like when I kept seeing that... ghost...I thought you were dead... he shot you... I- I saw it-" Johnny hesitantly touched the bandage that was peeking out from the edge of Dally's shirt sleeve.
"Yeah, but I'm ok. It just grazed the skin, see?" Dally lifted his sleeve up, grateful that the bleeding had finally stopped so he didn't scare Johnny. "No big deal." He didn't say that it hurt like hell and that he'd lost enough blood to nearly pass out. He still felt very dizzy. "The rest of it was just a dream, because I'm here now, right?"
Johnny just looked worriedly at Dally's arm. He touched the bandage again, gently.
"It's ok, see? It's no big deal. Look at me, Johnnycake, I'm fine. All right?" Dally pushed Johnny's hair back and tried to calm him. The kid was shaking so much and he was so frightened that Dally was afraid he was just going to make himself sicker than he already was. "Buddy, just calm down, you need to take it easy kid..."
Johnny continued, his breath coming in short gasps. "He.. he killed her.." there was almost a panic in his eyes.
Oh, God... he knows. What do I do? He saw his mother get killed and then he thouht I was dead and who knows what else he saw. Dally swallowed hard and looked away from him for a second, but then looked right in his eyes. "I know, Johnnycake... I know."
"He shot her... all the blood..." Johnny's squeezed his eyes shut and covered his face.
"Oh, kid..." Dally ran his hand over Johnny's hair. "You shouldn't have had to see that...You're gonna get through this, okay? You're gonna be all right. Nobody's gonna hurt you any more." Dally's voice faltered a bit and there was a catch in his throat. No one should have ever hurt the kid in the first place. He shouldn't have ever let them. He should have been able to protect Johnny from all this! But he hadn't. And on top of it all, he had kept the truth from Johnny too. Maybe he should add, 'oh yeah, and nobody will need to lie to you anymore either'. Dally had never felt such guilt..
Johnny met his eyes suddenly and Dally got a sick feeling in his stomach, suddenly knowing what he was going to ask. "They're both dead, aren't they..."
Dally looked at him solemnly. The world will be a better place without him! A safer place... that bastard finally got what he deserved and if I'd had the gun in my hand, I'd have pulled the trigger myself! But he couldn't say any of these things. He put his hands on Johnny's shoulders and nodded. "Yeah... I'm sorry, Johnny..." But he wasn't. He wasn't sorry at all except for the fact that Johnny now had to deal with all this.
Johnny closed his eyes and hung his head. "I... I'm...glad he's dead!"
So am I! Dally wanted to shout it, but he could hear the hurt in Johnny's voice.
"I... I thought they came... because they wanted me to come home..."
Dally said nothing, only clenched his jaw. Why, Johnny? Why did you care so much what they thought? It was something Dally would never- could never- understand. It was taking all his effort to keep his mouth shut. He knew nothing he wanted to say about this would be of any help to Johnny right now.
Johnny looked at him again, tears streaming out of his eyes, the panic and fear still in his voice. "I really thought he shot you, too.. I... I thought I wouldn't ever get to tell you... that I feel really bad about..."
"Johnny!" Dally wiped the tears off Johnny's face. "Stop, kid... What do you have to feel bad about? You didn't do anything," Dally said in desperate confusion.
"Yeah, I did," Johnny shook his head vigorously. "I shouldn't have said all those things I said. I don't want you to leave! I'm so sorry, I really didn't mean it, Dal. Don't be mad-"
"Johnny! Buddy, I am not mad at you! Why would you think that? And I am not gonna leave you, you hear me?" Dally said making Johnny look at him. "I promise. I ain't gonna leave you... " Dally couldn't believe after all that had happened that Johnny was appologizing to him.
Ok, Dallas, time to swallow some pride, he thought. He took a deep breath and looked at Johnny. "Look kid, I'm the one who's sorry. I should have told you what was going on. I should have told you the second I even started to get suspicious... you didn't do anything wrong. You had every right to be mad. I was the one who screwed up, ok?"
Johnny was looking at him confused.
Dally softened his gaze. "I didn't do it to hurt you, kid. I just didn't want..."
Johnny nodded then. "I know. I get why you didn't tell me. It's ok,"
"No, it ain't ok. I wasn't thinking and I really messed things up. Ok, I beyond messed things up. Geez, Johnny, I practically got you killed." Dally dropped his head and rubbed his eyes. His head was aching. "I mean... if anything had happened... I don't know what I'd do..." He looked away for a moment. He wanted Johnny to tell him that things would be all right, that they were friends again, like before. Johnny was just looking at him with that forlorn and somewhat confused expression that plainly conveyed that he didn't think Dally had anything to be appologizing for.
"So, I hope you ain't mad anymore, but if you are I wouldn't blame you."
Johnny shook his head as tears began to well up in his eyes again. "I... I didn't mean to get mad at you..." he hung his head again.
"Johnny!" Dally said desperately. He reached forward and tilted Johnny's chin up. "Hey, look at me. It's all right! You can get mad at me sometimes! Hell, I deserved it, kid. And it doesn't make any difference... we're not gonna stop bein' buddies... you know that, don't you? Come on... you're like my kid brother...that ain't gonna change." Dally was speaking in a tone he'd never used before, but he meant every word he was saying. Johnny stared at him wide eyed.
Dally looked down. "If I do somehing that stupid, you should be mad. I just.. I hope you'll be able to trust me again... like before."
Johnny let out a weak smile through his tears. "I'll always trust you, Dal."
Dally looked up at him and read the sincerity in his face. He didn't even try to hide the tears in his eyes anymore.
Johnny leaned towards Dally again. Not knowing what else to do, Dally just wrapped his arms around him and leaned his cheek up against Johnny's burning forehead. Suddenly Dally began to realize that he was feeling his age. He was feeling like a teenage kid. He had always felt so much older than any of the gang, like he could handle more, like he could survive anything. But today he had almost lost the one person in the world that meant anything to him and it had scared him... made him feel small and powerless. He was not an emotional person. He was not prone to any kind of displays of affection. But right then he felt like he didn't want to ever let go of Johnny. He would sit right there and hold on to him, protect him from anything bad. He didn't know where things would go from here, but at that moment, he felt so lucky that Johnny was still alive and that they were together. He wished desperately for Darry, Soda or any of the gang to have been there, because he figured any one of them would know better what to say and do right now than he did. But at least the gang was still whole. They were apart, but they were still whole.
(I DO NOT own "I Am" by Bon Jovi)
How
you spend your minutes are what matters
All
tomorrows come from yesterdays
When
you're feeling broken, bruised and sometimes shattered
Blow
out the candles on the cake
Like
everything's a big mistake
It
seems you always wait for life to happen
And
your last buck can't buy a lucky break
If
all we've got is us then life's worth living
And
if you're in, you know I'm in
I'm
ready and I'm willing
I
am
When
you think that no one needs you, sees you or believes you
No
one's there to understand
I
am
I'll
be there to be that someone
When
you think that no one is there to hold your hand
I
am
We're
just who we are, there's no pretending
It
takes a while to learn to live in your own skin
Say
a prayer that we might find our happy ending
And
if you're in you know I'm in
I'm
ready and I'm willing
I
am
When
you think that no one needs you, sees you or believes you
No
one's there to understand
I
am
I'll
be there to be that someone
When
you think that no one is there to hold your hand
I
am
I
ain't got no halo hanging over my head
I ain't gonna judge you, I'm just here to love you
I
am, I am
I
am
When
you think that no one needs you, sees you or believes you
No
one's there to understand
I
am
I'll
be there to be that someone
When
you think that no one is there to hold your hand
I
am