dark inner thoughts
/inner thoughts/
flashback
I was six years old when my older sister took me into the village. I was so excited. I was going to school. She told me that I would meet many new kids to play with. Since we lived a good ways from the village. There were no other families with in miles of where we lived. Our home was a modest one. Mother had a small garden out back where she grew most of our vegetables. Father would return home with the days catch from a nearby stream. Then there was my big sister, Ruka. She was so beautiful with long flowing black hair and black cheerful eyes. She was older than I was, which rubbed me the wrong way at times. Big sisters can be a pain in the ass when they want to be and Ruka was no different. Maybe it was because she acted more like a mother than a sister. I didn't mind. Really I didn't. I knew she loved me and I loved her. You might say she was father, mother, sister and brother to me. Other times she was more of a confidant. I was never so glad of this when I first started school.
The entire class fell silent as my sister led me up to the front of the class. I clung to her holding on to her kimono. She bowed to the teacher smiling. "Ohayou Gozaimasu, sensei."
"Good morning, Ruka-chan and who do we have here?" the teacher asked smiling.
She pried my fingers from her kimono and shoved me forward. "This is my little brother Asato. Little brother say good morning."
I bowed stiffly to the teacher. "Ohayou Gozaimasu, sensei." I said parroting my sister.
All the kids burst out laughing. The teacher turned to his class and scolded them for laughing. Once they settled down, he turned his attention back to his new student. "Well,
Asato I hope you will like the class. Take the seat behind Yukine-chan."
"Now Asato," Ruka said kneeling before me. "I want you to be a good boy and not cause any trouble for the teacher, okay."
"Hai." I went to sit down. Ruka smiled once more and left the class. She had to get back and help mother. After school, some of the children and I were playing games when the parents arrive. They immediately snatched their children away. "Stay away from him, Hajime, he is a demon"
one mother told her son as she stared daggers at me.
"Look at his eyes," another mother, shrieked in fright holding her daughter close to her chest. "Only a demon would have those color eyes. Monster!"
"I don't want you to go anywhere near that monster, Yukine," spat another of the mothers.
"He will only bring misfortune upon you," replied one of the fathers. "Stay away from my child, you -you demon!"
With each hateful word spoken by the parents I felt my heart sink deep into the pit of my stomach. They hated me. I couldn't understand why. Why should the color of my eyes make them hate me and call me a demon. I watched with a heavy heart and tears in my eyes as the parents led their children away. A blurry vision of my sister appeared before me. I could see by the sadness in her eyes, she had seen every thing that had happened. I ran to her and wrapped my arms around her waist burying my tear soaked face against her stomach. I pulled away from her to look her in the eyes. "Sister, why do the other parents say I am a demon?" I asked in a timid voice. Her eyes began to mist with tears as they fell down her cheeks. Ruka pulled me into the safety of her arms and held me tight. She never answered me. She just continued to hold me and kept repeating that she was sorry.
Since the adults hated me, the kids began to copy their parents' hatred towards me in more violent ways. So, I became an outcast. All the kids would make fun of me, pelt me with rocks and beat me. The name of Asato Tsuzuki became a curse. I could see whenever she would come to pick me up from school that this tore at Ruka's heart.
A group of boys was beating me into the dirt when Ruka came up on us. She ran the boys away and knelt down beside me. "Are you all right, otouto?" She helped me to stand.
I had tears in my eyes and I wiped blood from my nose. "No, I'm not all right. I don't understand, sister. What did I do to make them hate?" Ruka just held me in her arms and let me cry on her shoulder. "You did nothing little one," she whispered in my ear. Then she took my hand and we went home.
end of flashback
"So, what happened to your sister?" You asked pouring me another cup of coffee. I leaned forward in my chair staring into the black liquid. I sighed. My heart felt heavy as the image of my sister appeared in the coffee. She looked just as I remembered her when she was twenty.
"She's dead now. I rather lost count of years. My mind refuses to remind me how long it has been. She was everything to me. I love my sister but it seems the gods was hell bent on making my life unbearable," I said cradling the cup in my hands. I so wish she had lived. I miss you Ruka. Even after all these years, your death still tears at my soul.
You watched as tears slipped from my eyes to fall down my face. You raised a hand and wiped the tears from my face. Hell, I swore I would never cry again. Yet here I am. I don't know why I keep saying I will never cry again when in the end it is all I ever do. At night, it is so bad sometimes.
I smiled as I remembered. "Ruka was always happy even when she was feeling bad. When she was feeling sad, she would always dance. She loved to dance. It was Ruka that taught me how to dance. Personally, I never could figure it out but to tell the truth. I liked dancing with her. But all that changed a year later when we found out that Ruka had a weak heart. After that, she would be so tired and pale only after walking a short distance. She could no longer walk me to school. I didn't mind because then, she wouldn't have to witness me being beaten by the other children. I thought my life couldn't get any worse, but I was wrong." I smiled bitterly or maybe, it was sadly. "That bastard I called father just up and abandoned us. He couldn't take the accusations."
"What do you mean?" You ask me pouring yourself another cup of coffee.
"He couldn't take the fact that he had a very sick daughter and a demon for a son." I scratched the side of my nose. "No, I take that back. He could handle Ruka being sick. It was me. He couldn't take the villagers all claiming that I was demon. I started to come home beaten up, bloodied and bruised a lot."
flashback
I limped into the house. Mother, upon seeing me, rushed to me. My face was bruised,
swollen and my lip was bleeding. My eyes had black rings around them. My nose was bleeding and my jaw was swollen. My clothes were torn and dirty.
"My baby, what happened?" My mother asked catching me before I hit the floor. She lowered my dead weight to the floor and cradled my head in her lap.
Ruka ran to my side kneeling beside me. She stared into my battered face and tears fell from her eyes. "Why mother? Why do they treat my brother in such a hateful way? He's only a child."
"I do not know." Mother answered my sister sadly. Although I had a feeling, she did know. Ruka rests her hand on my forehead and brush the hair from my face.
"My poor little brother, I wish I could wipe away all your hurt and pain." Ruka kissed my forehead lightly.
Suddenly the door opened and my father entered. "Son, what happened?" he asked kneeling down beside me. Before I could say a word. My father answered his own question. "It was the children in the village, wasn't it."
"Why do they hate me, father?" I asked my father pathetically as tears fell from my lavender colored eyes. "Am I a demon like they say."
"No, you're not a demon," my mother says holding me tightly in her arms. "You are Asato Tsuzuki, our son, our pride and joy. You are human." She gently kissed my cheek.
But out of the corner of my eye, I could see a strange expression on my father's face. I didn't know what it was but the look made my heart break. My father's eyes were filled with sadness and disgust and misery. I watched father stand up and storm into his room slamming the door shut.
xxxxx
That night at dinner, everyone was quiet. Father ate silently. My mother's eyes were swollen and red from crying. They had argued but I didn't know why. I wondered if it had been about me. My parents had been arguing a lot lately and it always had something to do with me. //Maybe I am a demon. Mother and father seems to always be fighting/ Tsuzuki thought sadly. /Does this mean father hates me like the villagers all do./ I was feeling distress when I felt a gentle hand rest on top of mine. I turned to see Ruka smiling at me.
She rested her head against my shoulder. It was comforting to know that she would always be by my side.
After dinner, Ruka and I went to bed. Mother and father began to argue. It was a heated one as father shouts seemed to make the walls shake. I became frighten and went to my sister's room. "Ruka," I said peeping through the door into her room.
"What's wrong Asato?" She asked sitting up in bed. She motioned for me to come in.
"Ruka, can I sleep with you tonight?" I asked her frightened. I think she understood my fears because I saw her flinched when father's voice thundered through the room. She nodded her head and I ran over to the bed and jumped in. "Thanks sis." I kissed her on the cheek and snuggled close to her. We laid there listening to our parents argue. A few minutes later the arguing stopped and we heard the front door slam. Ruka and I got up and peeped out the door. Mother was on her knees in front of the door crying. We came out and knelt down beside her. "Mother, what is wrong?" Ruka asked in her soft voice.
"Your father . . . your father has left us," she said sobbing into her hands.
"Left? When will he be back?" I asked stupidly. Ruka stared at me with tear soaked eyes and then buried her face into mother's neck. 'Oh Asato," she cried.
"Sweetheart, your father isn't coming back." My mother took my hand and pulled me into her arms. I continued to let her hold me as I sat there stunned.
"What will we do mother?" asked Ruka wiping tears from her eyes.
I had to know. "Did . . . father leave because of me. Am I really a demon? Am I the one that cursed Ruka with a weak heart. Am I to blame for everything that has cause us unhappiness?"
"No, don't you ever say or think that. You are not a demon and you are not to blame for your sister's weakness," mother cupped my cheeks and raised my face to look me in the eyes.
"Then why do they hate me so?" I needed an answer. "I've done nothing to any of them. All I ever wanted was for them to like me." A sob rattle in my chest as I could no longer hold back my tears. They flowed like tiny waterfalls down my cheeks. "I know the color of my eyes are not something that a normal person would have, but I just want to be like them. Human."
Ruka wrapped her arms around my neck. "Mother already told you that you are human, little brother. Don't you believe her?"
I nodded my head and let my tears stop. I looked up at my mother. "How will we survive, mother?" I asked her.
"Don't worry. We will be fine. As long as we are together, we will be fine"
xxxxx
It was a cold winter day when I and Ruka buried our mother. It was three years from the day when our father left us. Mother worked herself to death trying to earn money to take care of her two children. I wanted to help but the villagers hated me and refused to hire the village demon. Ruka and I stood at the lone grave. She slipped her hand into my hand.
"Don't worry, Asato, we will be all right as long as we have each other," Ruka smiled up at me.
"How can you be happy? Mother worked herself to death trying to take care of us," I said angry. "It should have been me. I am the man of the house. I should have been the one providing for you and mother." I clenched my hands into fists at my sides. "If father had stayed . . ." I couldn't finish.
"Don't think of it. There's no use in harping on 'what ifs.' Mother is dead. Father has abandoned us. The cold fact is we are all that is left of our family and I know mother would not want us to be sad or angry." She knelt down in front of me cupping my cheeks in her hands, she kissed my forehead. "I smile my brother, because I am so happy you are my little brother."
I rested my head on her shoulder and sighed. "Some of the villagers would take you in. You should go. You would be happy and taken care of properly." She pulled away to stare at me frowning.
"And what about you? Who will take care of you if I am gone?"
I let her pull me back into her embrace and rested my head on her shoulder. "I can take care of myself. You need not worry about me."
Her hold tightened around my neck. "How can I be happy if I am away from my beloved brother. I shall not abandon you as our father did." I opened my mouth to argue, but she just shook her head. "No, I will not leave you. I am your big sister." She sighed. "I am not stupid brother. I know that I am not long for this world." I pulled away from her to stare into her onyx colored eyes. She smiled sadly at me. Just as I was about to say something. She placed a finger across my lips silencing me. "I am going to die Asato. There's nothing anyone can do to change it." She stroked my wet cheeks as tears flowed down my face. "I would rather spend my few remaining years with you." She pressed her forehead against mine. "You are my family. So, you may as well forget the notion that I will leave you. You are stuck with me"
She pulled me into her embrace and we remained there until night fell.
end of flashback
We sat in silence for a long while. You stare at me with a look of concern. Your hand twitch almost as though you wanted to move it but decided against it. I stare into your warm concern eye. I began to wonder. Who are you Kazutaka Muraki. Why is it that you are maniacal, homicidal and sinister one moment. Kind, caring and gentle the next. I don't understand you, doc. Why is it that you are in a profession that saves lives but yet you have taken so many lives. What happened to you Muraki? In those two months that you disappeared, you seem to have change. Where were you hiding?
"Please go on and finish your story." You smile and my heart flutters in my chest.
"Why do you want to know about my past?" I finally got up the nerve to ask you. You sat there pondering my question. I'm sure you must have asked yourself that same question.
But if you don't have an answer. It is okay with me. Right now, I'm just glad I have someone to talk to. On cold nights like tonight, I think about my mother but just about every night I think about my Ruka. I wish I could see her again but she has long since been reincarnated into her new life. I wanted to know who she is, but the Gushoshin twins has told me clearly, NO!
You stir slightly in your chair, as you seem to have come to a decision about the question I put before you. You stare into my eyes and smile. A soft caressing expression makes me want to . . . oh hell! What am I thinking. I close my eyes and take a deep breath but that soft expression remains as you answer.
"Maybe I will tell you later. When our relationship becomes more solid."
"Relationship! What relationship?" I practically scream in a fluster at the silver hair man. "There is no relationship. I don't know why I'm telling you all this. I should just take you in and let the department deal with you."
"But you won't." You smile at me smugly. You son of a bitch. Why can't I hate you,
Muraki? I know I should. I did at one time. But now, I don't know. It's almost as though something in my heart has changed towards you. What is this strange feeling? Ruka. I wish I knew who you were in this life. Then I could talk to you. You always understood me and knew how to make me feel better. I sigh.
"Finish your story, Mr. Tsuzuki." You try to urge me to finish.
"You're not going to answer me." You just continue to stare at me with that soft gentle expression. I sigh again. Then a thought hit me. "If I finish. Will you tell me about yourself?"
You just held your smile and sipped your coffee. "We'll see." You said after you settled your cup on the table.
I rolled my eyes and smiled.
flashback
As the years went by, I would hunt for our food. I was damn good at hunting. Wonder why I never did it before. My sister would remain at home. Our lives were simple for those years in-between. My sister and I would go into a nearby field and gather flowers. She would make a crown of purple and pink wild flowers and placed it upon my head. I felt silly but I would bare it for Ruka's sake. I liked seeing her smile. It was like the sun shining just for me. "There," she said after the crown of flowers was on my head. "You look so beautiful like an angel sent from heaven to watch over me." I blushed. I couldn't help it. Whenever she talk like that I always feel embarrassed.
"Beautiful," I said flustered and turning red as a beet. "A girl is beautiful. I'm handsome."
Ruka fell back on the ground laughing so hard until tears fell from her eyes. "It wasn't that funny," I mumbled to her.
She sat up wiping tears from her eyes. "I'm sorry, my little angel but with those lovely wide lavender colored eyes of yours. Beautiful is the only way to describe you."
That did it. I knew I was red as an apple. I cleared my throat and stood up. I held a hand out to her. "Come on, let's go for a swim." She took the offered hand and pulled herself up. We held hands and went into the forest. The river snaked its way through the forest to flow on the other side of the village. She ran to the riverbank and dived into the water without taking off her kimono. She squealed.
"What's wrong, Ruka?" I asked frightened.
"The water is cold," she said shivering. I laughed and jumped in to join her. We splashed around a while laughing and talking. I always feel so much better after talking with her. Afterwards, we climbed out of the river and stretched out on the grass letting the sun dry us off. Ruka cuddled close to me and we fell asleep. It was night when we headed home.
About two months later Ruka became sick. On certain days she would be bedridden for days and I would have to do the cooking. Let's just say, cooking isn't my strong suite but Ruka ate everything off her plate.
I sat on a boulder near a stream thinking about my sister when I heard some boys laughing on the other side of some tall reeds. I followed the sound and came upon the boys in a clearing. They had sticks and playing as if they were samurais. As I stepped out of the tall grass the boys stopped their playing. I knew these boys before my world fell apart, and I had to quit school.
"It's that demon, Asato!" yelled one of the boys.
"My father said he's evil," a dark hair boy accused.
"I am not!" I yelled at them.
"Yeah, something broke into the barn and killed a horse and three chickens!" another boy yelled out. "It was you, wasn't it Asato. You changed into your demon self and attacked the animals."
"It was not me!" I yelled trying to defend myself. "I am not a demon. My mother. . . "
I started to say but another one spoke up. "Is dead and your sister is sick. You're probably the one who made her sick."
Then one of the boys picked up a rock and threw it at me hitting my shoulder. I stumbled back clutching my shoulder. "Why don't you go off somewhere and die, demon"
Another boy picked up a rock and hit me with it. Soon, all the boys had rocks throwing them at me. Fear swept over me as I ran along the river bank trying to escape the angry group of children. They chased me with sticks and pelted me with rocks. I ran as fast as I could but the boys were still behind me. I tripped over something and fell to the ground. The boys surrounded me and began to beat me with the sticks. They kicked me in the stomach and the back. All the while they called me a demon and wished I was dead.
When the boys became tired of beating on me. They went home leaving me badly beaten and bleeding on the ground. Every inch of my body was wracked with pain as I decided just to lay there. I wondered if the villagers would take care of Ruka if I should die. A tear spilled from my eyes. I wondered if anyone would miss me if I were gone. Yes. Someone would miss me I realized. Ruka would miss me and for her, I would live. I smiled. I would go home. I just needed to rest for a while.
It was night when I finally awakened. It was a warm night as fireflies flickered around me. I smiled to myself thinking about Ruka. She loved watching the fireflies. I could still hear her sweet voice as she gave me her reason why she smile even when she is hurting inside. 'I smile because I am so happy you are my little brother.' A warm feeling of contentment and love envelops me as I could feel my sister's arms comforting me. /I think I'll take Ruka some flowers./ He slowly lifted his battered body from the ground and limped home.
xxxxx
Eight years later, Ruka became seriously ill. I placed the thin frame of my sister on the bed and told her I would be back with the doctor. I was eighteen now. I ran through the village to the doctor's house. The night was warm as crickets chirp in alarm. Arriving at the doctor's house, I banged furiously against the door. Jerking the door open, the middle-aged man glared at me in disgust. "What do you want boy?"
"Please, you have to come. It is my sister. . .Please you have to help." Tears poured from my eyes.
"I'll tell you like I told your parents. She has a weak heart. She is going to die Asato. You may as well learn to live with that fact." The man glared at me as though I was nothing but dirt. "It's best that she dies. Then there will be nothing keeping you here. You can leave and take your cursed presence from this village. Every since you were born. You've brought nothing but misery to this village. Your poor mother died of a broken heart because that useless husband of hers abandon his family. You are an abomination and should die." The man spat before slamming the door in my face.
Drying my tears, I ran back home to be with my big sister. I went into her room and knelt down beside the bed. She was pale and her breathing was labored. The tears started to fall from my eyes once again. She looked so fragile lying there. Her long black hair was splayed across the pillow like a blanket. She slowly opened her soft dark eyes that glittered like onyx in the dim light of the torches. She raised a hand up to my face and cupped my cheek.
"The . . . doctor will be here soon," I said choked.
She smiled sweetly at me. I could see the sadness in her eyes. "He's not coming is he, brother." I turned away. She turned my face to her. "It's okay brother. I am not afraid of death. The only thing I regret is leaving you behind," she said gasping for breath.
"No, you can't die. Please don't leave me here alone, Ruka," I said sobbing uncontrollable.
"Don't cry brother. Don't let the sadness in your heart consume you. Smile and be happy that I am your big sister." The smile on her face brighten. Although I could see the pain in her dark eyes. She smiled for me. "My brother, even though it may feel like your heart is being ripped from your body." She grunted as her weak heart began to slow down and she gasped for breath. "Do not . . .blame the villagers for the way . . . they treated you. People are afraid of things that are different so . . . they lash out. Promise me brother that you will go on with your life with a smile on your face."
"Ruka," I said sniveling.
"Is it a promise, brother?"
"I promise Ruka that I will always smile and that I will be happy." I tried drying the tears from my eyes but the tears kept falling like rain. "I will never let the darkness consume me."
"Good, that is all I ask of you." She closed her eyes and sighed in contentment. Then she opened them to stare at me sadly. "I'm sorry I won't be here with you. But remember, I will be within your heart and I shall always love you, my little angel."
This time when her eyes closed. They remained closed as she stopped breathing and her hand fell limply to the bed.
"Ruka . . . Ruka." I shook her as though it would wake her. "NO!" I screamed as my heart broke. The pain I felt was terrible as I went spiraling into the depths of misery. /She's gone. My big sister is gone. What am I to do/
Working on automatic, I stood up and went into the other room. I heated some water and poured it into a basin. Going back into my sister's room, I undressed her and began to clean her body. Then I dressed her in a white kimono with pink flowers. I went out to gather a handful of pink and purple wildflowers, she loved. I placed the flowers in her hands and leaned forward to kiss her forehead. "All your pain and suffering is now over, beloved sister. Now you can rest in peace along with mother. I shall . . . miss you, Ruka." I said choking on my tears. My heart was filled with despair until I felt as though I would die also. "Sleep peacefully, my dear sister." I took a torch and began to set the whole house afire.
A short while later, I stood outside the home I along with my mother and sister lived in and watched as the house turned into a blazing inferno. As the blaze rose higher engulfing the house I felt something dark and cold take hold of my heart.
She's gone, and it's all because of sthe townspeople.
/No, it can't be. They would never do anything that would hurt my sister./ I began to argue with myself.
You think so. You remember what that doctor said. He told you that he was glad your sister would die. That evil voice in my head pointed out.
/I don't . . . / But before I could say anything else. The wicked voice inside my head spoke cutting me off.
That doctor could have come. He could have saved your sister but instead, he was glad she was going to die. He is hoping that you would leave and never return. He called you a demon, a monster that should not have been born.
/Please don't./ I fell to my knees sobbing and clutching the side of my head. /No more. Please. I'm so tired and my heart ache. The two people that was important to me is gone. I shall never see mysister's beautiful smiling face again. Her sweet gentle laughter shall never brighten my day again./
I know you are in pain. But did that doctor think abaout how much you would suffer if your
sister were to die? Did anyone ever give a thought to your feelings? The dark voice beat at my shattered heart tearing down all my defenses. Pluse if the villagers cared about your sister then theyshould have known that hurting you would hurt your sister. They don't care about anyone but themselves. They should pay for all the hurt, pain and suffering they caused you. They should pay for letting Ruka die.
I let my hands fall to my side as my eyes clouded with a darkness that was unfathomable. All my anger, despair, pain, and suffering crashed in on me consuming my heart destroying my soul. All my love and compassion was pushed in the back and buried somewhere deep within my heart. I stared into the blazing inferno and my eyes were truly those of a demon. A demon bent on the death of every man woman and child in the village. I walked over to a tree stump and pulled the axe from its wooden bed. Hefting the axe, a dark sinister smile spread across my face. /Yes, they will all die, and the first to feel my wrath shall be Doctor Matsushita./
End of flashback
"So, I went into the village and killed them all. It didn't matter who they were or how old they were. All I knew was that they all had to die." I stare at you and I can see sympathy in your eye. What do you truly feel for me Muraki. Well, it doesn't really matter, now does it. "After that, I wander from town to town lost in my own world of purgatory so to speak."
"Purgatory?" You ask me with a frown.
"Yes, because from that day forward, I have heard the voices of the villagers I killed begging me not to kill them." I looked away from your piercing gaze. "My days was filled with their pleading voices and my dreams filled with blood. And all the while, I could see my sister staring at me sadly. I had broken my promise. Desecrated her last request. I could no longer live with myself or with what I had done. I tried to kill myself but the police got to me. I was taken to a hospital."
"I know." You said drawing my attention back to you. "You were in my grandfather hospital. It is where I first learned about you. My grandfather keep detailed notes on you and a photograph. It is how I found you."
"Yeah, well. I have no clear memory about that time. All I could remember was that I wanted to die." I got up from the table and went over to the window. I leaned my forehead against the cool pane and looked out at the streets below. My heart felt so heavy remembering my childhood and my sins. I sighed heavily and closed my eyes. "Do you think I was wrong?"
"About what?" You ask me quietly.
"About letting the darkness control me and killing the villagers." I sigh again and turned to face you. You sit at the table thinking about my question. "Was I truly a demon like everyone said I was"
Resting my head back to stare up at the ceiling. I waited for you to answer.
"Well, I believe everyone reacts to certain situations differently." You tried to make me feel better.
"But that's not what I ask you."
"If you're looking for me to judge you Tsuzuki. I'm afraid I can't help you." You fell silent for a while. When you spoke, again your voice was very close to me. "Besides, I think you have already judged yourself to be guilty. Why else would you be a guardian of death."
I lowered my head to stare into your face. I am so confused. Your expression was one of gentle concern. I could almost . . . Whoa! What in the hell is wrong with me. Why in the seven hells am I behaving like this. You are my enemy. I have to take you and . . . Oh God, what did I just say.
I felt your hand caressing my face and I turned to you. You were so close. I could feel your breath against my lips before you pressed them against my own lips. Weird, I always thought I would be disgusted if you kissed me. But I feel no revulsion whatsoever. Your lips are warm and soft. Your hands move down my body to snake around my waist. You pull me close and the heat from your body causes me to moan against your mouth. Your tongue rub against my lips asking for entrance. Hesitantly my lips part and your tongue plunges into my mouth taking what you desire. I moan again and let my arms wrap around your waist as I kissed you back.
Wait a second. How did I end up on the floor? How did you unbutton my shirt without me noticing?
And when did your hand end up in the front of my pants. My breath came in heavy pants as your hands skillfully removed my aching length from the confines of my trousers. Your hand moved up and down wringing moans of pleasure from me. God, it felt so good. I began thrusting myself up and down into your fist wanting more. I cried out in ecstasy as you nipped and sucked on my neck. Your tongue moved seductively down my neck to latch onto my nipple. Your teeth nipped and tugged on the sensitive peak. I wanted to scream because it felt just that good. I wanted more. Your hands moved over my body lighting fires everywhere you touched. My mouth opened in a scream but not a sound came out. I could feel myself coming close to release. I nearly came when I felt your lips close over my arousal. I closed my eyes as I tried to breath but the air was hot. My lungs burned with every breath I took.
I raised a shaky, sweat-dampened hand and raked my fingers through your silver tresses. I had a feeling that your hair would feel like silk through my fingers.
Suddenly Hisoka, Maria Wong, Tsubaki and countless other people faces appeared in my hazed mind. They all were begging me to save them from Muraki. My eyes widened in horror as the realization of what I almost did struck me like lightning. "No." I pushed you away from me shaking my head in confusion. I know I must have looked like a deer caught in the headlights of a car. I couldn't help it. I was just about to lie down and spread my legs for enemy number one. God, I must be sick in the head.
I quickly scrambled to my feet and ran to the elevator. I stepped inside and pressed the button down.
To my relief, you did not follow me. I leaned back and exhaled. Immediately I began to straighten my clothes. I had to hold my breath as I stuffed my painfully aroused cock into my pants. I was so damn uncomfortable. Shit, I had left my coat in your apartment. Well, it doesn't matter. I'm going home anyway. When the doors opened, I rushed out. Thank goodness, those two flighty desk clerks weren't there. I walked out into the cold and sucked in a deep breath. I began to walk away. As I did, I had a feeling that I was being watched. I turned to look up at the hotel. I saw you standing at the window watching me. I turned and walked away into the night.