When last we left our…oh wait, this is the first chapter isn't it? We haven't even gotten to the relevant story arcs yet, my bad. Let's see here, where is page one of this stupid thing…ah here it is. Ahem…

August 1998.

We find Raccoon City in the midst of a panic. Unexplained murders have been plaguing the city for several weeks. Victims have apparently been eaten. Of course we assume they've been eaten because of the things the R.P.D. C.S.I. found at the crime scenes. First of all was the various bite wounds on the victims, both human and animal. They also located some blood stained cutlery, a couple napkins, and some BBQ sauce. Tests would later reveal that a few of the victims had also been dowsed with hot sauce, mustard, ketchup, and at least one had been marinated in Hidden Valley Ranch salad dressing.

In an effort to calm the citizens of Raccoon, not to mention heighten his chances for reelection, Irons decides to send in the S.T.A.R.S. Bravo Team to investigate…

Wesker stared at his desk for several seconds, trying to remember just what it was he was looking for. I guess all that hair gel huffing has destroyed more than a few of his brain cells. He leaned down, eyes skimming the neat labels on his desk drawers.

-S.T.A.R.S. Junk

-People I Plan on Killing

-Secret Umbrella Files Concerning the Various B.O.W. that Don't Really Exist

-Secret Contracts With the HCF

-Back Issues of Treacherous Bastard Monthly

-Hair Care Products

-The Story's Plot and Scripts

Wesker scratched at his well gelled hair, still trying to figure out what he was looking for, when it suddenly hit him. He'd been looking for the S.T.A.R.S. roster so he could send the Bravo Team to their deaths in the woods. He snatched up the list, skimmed it over, and headed out the door to track down his crack team of victims. It should be pointed out that not five minutes before he had his minor brain lapse he'd announced that the Bravo Team should report to the roof, geared up, and ready to leave. As was already stated, he's killed off quite a few brain cells thus far.

Wesker left the office, his usual look of contempt and scorn on his face. Wesker wasn't one for being a nice guy, although he did harbor a love for puppies, kittens, and basically all animals in general.

He stepped into the out onto the landing, sneering at the two idiotic looking statues Irons had insisted on putting there. The man had absolute no taste for art at all. He glanced around and spotted Forest climbing the stairs, sporting a black eye. Wesker rolled his eyes, hidden well beneath his Ralph Lauren Matrix rip-off sunglasses, at Forest's newest injury.

"Speyer what the hell did you do this time?" Wesker smirked. "Have an argument with a grade schooler?"

"No." Forest shook his head and leaned against the wall. "I got hit by a door."

"How the hell did you get hit by a door?"

Forest sighed, then turned toward a door directly behind him. Incidentally this door actually goes to the hallway which in turn leads to the library. Normally it won't open, this is entirely for no good reason. Well, of course later the door will be barricaded to prevent zombies from running around the station, but that is another story. Back to the topic at hand.

"See I was going in a door like so." Forest reached toward the door handle. "Then all of a sudden…"

…THUNK…

Suddenly and without warning the door flew open hitting Forest right in the nose. He stumbled, fell backwards, and landed on his butt in the middle of the landing.

"I think that is all the explanation I will require."

Wesker shook his head as Chris peeked around the corner of the door.

"Did you just hear a loud THUNK?" Chris glance down at Forest, going slightly cross-eyed. "What are you doing down there?"

"I got hit by a door." Forest mumbled, hand covering his now bloody nose.

"Oh." Chris paused for a moment attempting to think. "I heard a THUNK."

"Yes Captain dumb ass you heard a THUNK. You heard a THUNK because you just hit Forest with the frigging door!"

"I did?" Chris stared at the ceiling, still trying to think. "All I did was walk through the door."

Then, as if to prove just how stupid he really is, Chris shut the door and opened it again.

…THUNK…

Forest fell flat on his back as the door slammed into his head once more, the handle giving him another black eye to match the first. Wesker pinched the bridge of his nose, wishing he had a can of hairspray on him right at this moment in time.

"I heard a THUNK." Chris mumbled as Forest climbed to his feet. "Did anyone else hear a THUNK? It happens every time I open this door."

Then, as if you hadn't already figure out how stupid Chris is he's going to reinforce the fact.

Chris pulled the door shut and swung it open a third time. Luckily for Forest's face Wesker reached out and stopped the door with the palm of his hand.

..thud…

"Now I heard a thud." Chris looked up at Wesker, going cross-eyed again. "Hey there Mr. Scowling Blonde Haired Man, have you seen Captain Wesker? He's about your height, with the same blonde hair, and black Ralph Lauren Matrix rip-off sunglasses."

Just as Wesker was contemplating killing Chris in the most painful way possible something else happened.

"AHHHHHHHHH!"

Everyone on the landing cringed as the ear splitting yell reverberated through the station. The yell was quickly followed by very loud footfalls and a slamming door.

"I'M GONNA DIE!"

"Ooof!"

Wesker stumbled forward, almost tripping over Forest as Brad did a superman leap through the air and landed on his back. After scrambling around for a moment or two Brad finally found refuge atop Wesker's shoulders, his arms firmly wrapped around Wesker's head and face.

"Mr. Scowley Man you have a Scardy Man on your head." Chris grinned stupidly.

"Muffle…muffle…muffle."

Then, to add more action to the current scene, several gunshots rang out from the hallway below. The gunshots were quickly followed by a wet plopping sound, as some poor unsuspecting R.P.D. officer fell to the floor mortally wounded, and several obscenities. Seconds later Richard came running up the stairs followed by an irate looking Jill. From the waving around of the 9mm Wesker ascertained that Jill was responsible for the shooting that had occurred only seconds ago.

"Come back here you fluff!" Jill bounded up the stairs, taking several pot shots at Richard as she ran. "I'm going to blow your head off!"

"I'M GONNA DIE!" Brad chirped from his perch atop Wesker's head.

"Stay away from me you hell bitch!"

Richard dove through the door Chris was standing behind and took refuge behind Chris legs. Jill came to a skidding halt, growling with rage at Richard's apparent cowardice. Everyone knew hiding behind Chris was the best way to avoid getting maimed and/or killed by Jill, as she wouldn't do a thing that might harm her precious Chrisy-Poo.

"Muffle…muffle…muffle…"

"What?" Jill glared at Wesker. "What did you say?"

"MUFFLE…MUFFLE…MUFFLE!"

"I can't understand a word you're saying with Brad on your head." Jill snapped.

"Well, I ah…got to go!"

Richard took off like a shot, heading for the roof. Wesker rolled his eyes as the little group of misfits quickly dispersed to go about their business. With the exception of Brad who seemed content to stay on Wesker's head, shaking and whimpering.

As you can see, this is not a crack team of experts we have here. In fact I would go so far as to call them complete screw-ups and the sad part is we've only met like six of them. The other ones are just as bad. Unfortunately these morons is all that stands between you and a horrible death involving zombies.

If I were you, I'd make sure my will was in order…