When we left off last chapter the Bravo Chopper had crashed thanks to several pounds of explosives taped to the rotor. Of course this is explained off as an mysterious engine failure, proving that video game players are very gullible…

Ok, now you've gone too far narrator boy!

And just what are you going to do, fire me?

No, I'm going to torture with a discussion about all the things I love about Wesker…

Dear God, shoot me now…

First of all…

Uh, guys you really don't want to hear about this, so why don't you run along where it's safe and read the next chapter.

The Alpha team is flying over the Arklay Forest searching for their compatriots…

Oh and pray for me will you…

"Are we there yet?" Chris whined from the back of the chopper. "I'm hungry!"

Wesker took another hit off his hair gel, just hoping for an opportune moment to kill the little bastard. Of course with the perpetually PMS-ing Ms. Valentine sitting back there it just wasn't a good idea to try that right now. So instead of indulging in his vicious, and somewhat homicidal desires, Wesker took another hit of hair gel.

Also in the back of the chopper was Barry and Joseph. The former was staring at a shiny penny sitting on the floor of the chopper while the latter grinned stupidly and giggled over nothing in particular.

"I'm scared." Brad whimpered, looking back and forth between the chopper's controls and the window. "What if we crash too?"

"That is not going to happen Vickers." Wesker snapped, primping his already over gelled hair. "We have nothing to worry about."

Just then the check engine light came on.

"Oh my God…WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!

Brad then proceeded to have a full on freak attack. To which no one paid any attention in the slightest, with the exception of Jill who threatened to unman him. This produced a universal shudder throughout the chopper.

"We're gonna crash just like the Bravo chopper!"

"We are not going to crash!" Wesker roared. "This chopper is in perfect working order and does not have several sticks of dynamite tapped to the rotor, thank you very much!"

This very loud and somewhat strange statement caused everyone on the chopper to stare at Wesker. Well, except Chris who was still whining about being hungry and was absently wondering if Chicken of the Sea was really chicken or tuna. Wesker cleared his throat, quickly turning his attention out the window.

"Uh…look, smoke!"

"Where?" Barry shoved Joseph out of the way and pressed his face against the window of the chopper like an over excited cocker spaniel. "Pretty…"

"I'm hungry." Chris chimed in. "Are we there yet?"

Several minutes later the chopper had safely landed, despite Brad's numerous screams and fantasies of a fiery death. Everyone shuffled out of the chopper except Joseph and Chris, who both bailed out like a couple of ten year olds on a school field trip…but that is beside the point.

"Alright, we shall now split up and investigate." Wesker slurred, waving his arms around in a rather dramatic way. "I'm going that way!"

With a big flourish Wesker pointed to the left and bounded off. Oh yea the Captain be flying higher than a kite at this point. Jill let out a string of rather harsh obscenities, strong enough to make a sailor blush, and headed into some tall grass. Barry headed to the right, no doubt looking for shiny objects. Chris sort of skipped around stupidly until he spotted a squirrel and gave chase. Joseph headed for the remains of the Bravo chopper.

"Whee, fun, fun, fun…eww what's that?" Joseph narrowed his eyes, trying to get a better look. "Oh it's Kevin! Yo, Kevin, wake up dude."

Before going any further perhaps I should perhaps explain the state of Kevin at this point in time. Kevin is dead… as a doornail. Half of his face is gone and his neck is a bloody mess of tissue and bone. He is not breathing, he is not moaning, and he is not moving. Flies are already circling above his head.

As I said, he's dead.

But apparently Joseph missed the class in first aide where they explained how to recognize when someone is dead. The reason I say this is because instead of letting everyone know that Kevin was dead he reached over and gave Kevin's shoulder a rough shake. Due to Kevin's massive injuries, his head fell off. Joseph giggled as Kevin's head rolled across the floor of the chopper, fell out the door, and landed in the grass.

"Coooooool…show me how to do that!"

Thankfully several Cerberus chose that exact moment to attack.

"Doggies!" Chris shouted as the Cerberus tore a still giggling Joseph to shreds. "Jill! There are cute doggies!"

At this rather loud, and incredibly stupid, outburst the entire Alpha team came running over.

"Oh, that's gotta hurt." Jill giggled, despite the horrendous site before her. "Serves the little idiot right though."

Barry said nothing, opting instead to look at the big shiny chopper. Wesker decided, despite his original plan to lure the Alpha team to the mansion and collect combat data thus allowing him to take that cozy job with the HCF, that perhaps something had gone wrong and now would be a good time to leave.

"Umm…to the chopper!"

Wesker took off like a rabbit on crack, followed closely by Barry and Jill. The latter was dragging a very unhappy Chris along behind her. He was upset because she wouldn't let him pet the cute doggies that were still eating the now dead, thank God, Joseph.

However their flight to safety was short lived. Above them the Alpha chopper was taking off for parts unknown. Now you would think that Brad fled the area due to Joseph's recent demise by a group of zombie dogs. You would be wrong. He took off in the chopper, leaving everyone to die, because he looked out the window and saw…

…wait for it…

…a spider.

"Shit." Wesker mumbled. "Um…to the creepy mansion filled with undead people and monsters!"

This comment elicited a confused look from everyone present. Wesker, giggled then coughed, and finally regained a little bit of control over the situation. He really need to cut down on his huffing, outbursts like that were not good. At least he was working with a bunch of morons or his great plan would be ruined.

"What I mean is, I saw a large mansion while I was wandering around in the woods over there." Wesker pointed to the left. "I think we should head there."

"Who died and made you king!" Jill snapped. "I don't have to listen to you!"

"Uh…actually you do." Now Wesker was confused. "I'm your freaking boss for Christ's sake!"

Before Jill could completely snap into a homicidal frenzy several of the Cerberus lost interest in what was left of Joseph, which wasn't a whole lot I can tell you, and started to wander toward the remaining Alpha team members. Deciding she could kill Wesker later, Jill took off toward the mansion, with everyone else following close behind…

Oh God…three hours…three hours I had to listen to her go on and on and on…

Hey, Narrator boy…time to work!

I'm never pissing her off again, never…

Did you hear me! I said it's time to work!

Yes ma'm.

Well this is certainly a bad situation the Alpha team is finding themselves in. Kevin is dead, Joseph is dead, Wesker is high, Jill is pissed, Barry is looking for shiny objects, Brad has left them to die a horrible and painful death, and Chris is unhappy he can't pet the cute doggies.

What horrors will they discover in the Mansion? Is the Bravo Team still alive? Will Wesker get back to Raccoon in time to return "Air Bud" to Blockbuster or will he have to pay late fees?

Who knows…