Throughout the millennia a dark haired, blue eyed youth has walked the Earth. Though he has been known by many titles, lived many identities, there has always been something… missing from his lives. Anime canon. Written for Mamoru's 30th Anniversary.
Rated: T - Spiritual/Drama - Words: 4,955 - Chibiusa T./Rini/Sailor Chibi (Mini) Moon, Mamoru C./Darien S./Tuxedo Kamen, Usagi T./Serena/Bunny/Sailor Moon, Prince Endymion
A/N: All the thanks to Jubbles for beta reading this fic for me.
You can find them on Ao3 as: /users/Jubbles.
Or check out Jubbles out on FFN account: u/1401129/JBubbles.
Jubbles is also on tumblr under the name jubblesbubbles
Light fractured through the glass of the chandelier above, bathing the hall in resplendent gold light, making the food and drink seem all the more delectable. The light similarly glinted off of the bejeweled dresses and uniforms of the fifty off men and women attending the gathering. Violin music reverated through the hall, carried by the curved walls and high domed ceiling. Many capes, coattails and dress hems swished, flicked and glided across the finewood floor. And yet there was one for whom the light did not touch, the music did not move, and the food did not satisfy.
Prince Endymion had excused himself from the partygoers nearly half an hour ago and now stood silent and solitary upon the palace balcony. The banquet was boring to say the least, but that wasn't what was really bothering him.
He was young, strong, handsome (or so he was told), and had never wanted for anything in his life. Endymion didn't take that lightly, well aware of how blessed his life was.
Above all else, he valued and respected his royal duties. Nothing could be more important than the wellbeing of his kingdom and subjects. Destiny had bestowed this purpose upon his young shoulders, and he was determined to live up to it.
Despite that purpose though, he still felt like something was... missing. As if he was somehow... incomplete.
He wondered if that feeling might someday fade, perhaps when he finally ascended the throne. Somehow, he doubted it, though.
He let out a deep sigh, his gaze falling upon the Moon high above him.
A delighted smile adorned Mamoru's face as he ran out of the house, small legs swiftly carrying him to the red Lamborghini. Hungrily, his eyes drank in the smooth shape, the bright colour, the gleam of the sunlight upon the bodywork. It was surely the most glorious thing he had ever, would ever, could ever, see in his whole life!
"She's a beauty isn't she, Mamoru?"
The boy tore his gaze away from the vehicle and smiled up at the man in khaki pants and green shirt, his gold pocket watch hanging from his breast pocket. Mamoru squinted a little as it caught a glint of sunlight.
"It's so cool! Can I drive it?"
His father laughed. "Sorry, son, I can't let you do that. After all, it's brand new."
"And you're also just six, dear." His mother said, smoothing out her puffy pink top and coming over to join them.
As Mamoru pouted, his mother adjusted her black skirt and bent down to his level. As she lowered herself, the gold star-locket poked out of her handbag and seemed to sparkle like his father's pocket watch.
"Listen, when you grow up you'll have a car of your own and you can drive it as much as you want."
Mamoru's face lit up. "I'm going to have a big red sports car!" His parents chuckled. "And a motorcycle too!"
His father continued to laugh but hushed up at the look his mother shot him.
"Mamoru, please, don't do that." Her voice was laced with soft concern, as if her son was about to mount this phantom vehicle right then and there. "Those things aren't like cars. They're much more dangerous. You might wind up in an accident."
Mamoru frowned. He really wanted a motorcycle. If he had that and a car like Papa's he'd never ask for anything ever again. He would have everything he ever wanted!
The boy's dark-hair stood out stark against the white mattress of the hospital bed.
He didn't cry. He had already cried enough for today, enough, perhaps, for an entire lifetime.
He didn't remember much, his memories only stretched back about a week or two after all. But he recalled, far too vividly, his first night in the hospital. How the bed had been cold, indifferent and far too big for him. How he had sobbed, and sobbed, and sobbed, but no one had ever come.
Had it been that way before, he wondered? Had his mother dried his tears? Had his father hugged him tight? He liked to think so. But whenever he did, he always became terribly… empty.
There was a gaping hole in his heart that he had quickly learned other people did not have. They all said 'sorry' and assured him they 'understood'. Although he didn't blame them, he also knew that they did not, could not, possibly understand.
The doctors couldn't understand what it was like to walk around every moment of every day knowing your head was broken. The nurses couldn't understand the shame of knowing that you've lost something irreplaceable but can't even remember what it was like having it. The other children couldn't understand the despair of knowing you are now, and always will be… alone…
… But… maybe… possibly… could he know?
Across the bed his gaze fixated on the other boy's eyes. Something in those eyes was hauntingly familiar. He had seen it himself in the mirror far too often. Perhaps, on some level, he'd sensed it even back then when he had first found the tiny, collapsed body out in the rain. Or perhaps he'd merely presumed that due to the other's child's strange appearance.
It was almost funny. Staring across the bed he no longer even noticed the bizarre hair, the weird clothes nor the decidedly unique skin tone. For whatever reason, he was more willing to accept all that.
He wondered if that was because of his amnesia. If he remembered his past, if he had some sense of normalcy, maybe he would have found the other boy more unsettling. He didn't think so though. Because that spark of familiarity was drowning everything else out. It was the only thing he noticed at all now. It was the only thing about the green-skinned child that mattered to him.
"Who are you?" The other boy croaked.
"… My name is… Mamoru…" he whispered back, though the name still felt like that of a stranger's. "… What's yours?"
The child leaned his head up slightly, his long blue hair trailing down slightly. To Mamoru's slight confusion the other boy's cheeks were glowing faintly red.
"My name's… Fiore…"
They did not speak for the rest of that day. Instead, to the melody from the star-shaped locket next to the bed, the pair drifted off to sleep again. That night though and every night thereafter, the dark-haired boy did not cry at all. Not until it was time for Fiore to leave…
Mamoru made his way down the street, his mind replaying Motoki's phone call from an hour ago...
"Hi, Mamoru, it's Motoki here."
"Motoki? Are you alright? You weren't in class today."
"Oh, I'm fine. I was... well, if you must know I took the hour off so I could see Reika."
"...Oh... I see..."
Mamoru distinctly remembered the thin line his lips had formed upon hearing this.
"Don't judge me too harshly, Mamoru. Reika's work keeps her so busy it's hard to find any time to see her. You'll understand someday when you find someone special."
"Yeah right," he'd chuffed. "If that ever happens, I doubt I'll indulge in anything like that."
He could still hear Motoki chuckling down the phone line.
"Famous last words, Mamoru. Anyway, I was wondering if you could do me a favour and lend me your lecture notes so I can catch up."
Mamoru had been tempted to refuse, but Motoki was the closest thing he had to a friend so he wasn't about to spite him. As such, he'd copied out his notes and made his way towards the Crown Arcade. He hated to admit it, but Motoki's words, though not intended that way, had stung him a little. A part of him had tried to convince himself it was fine.
He was young, he had more cash than the average person, his own place, great clothes, a swanky car and an even swankier motorcycle. By all accounts he was the quintessential cool bachelor. How could he ever imagine there was anything missing from his life?
Nevertheless, whilst writing out the notes he'd been all too aware of how utterly empty his apartment was. For a split second, the image of a little boy in a hospital had welled up in his memory. As such, he'd felt outright relieved to leave the apartment, putting on his thickest shades on his way out.
He'd opted to walk to the arcade, hoping the exercise would help. Initially it did, but eventually the crowded streets began to accentuate his he'd felt back at his apartment. The sensation worsened when his mind drifted to Motoki and Reika. An envious irritation flared within him before he pushed the thoughts to the back of his head. There was no point dwelling on what he'd never ha-
His mind was abruptly thrust back to reality as a scrunched-up piece of paper landed on his head.
Immense energy crackled within his body as his consciousness fully awakened. All at once, his senses were bombarded by the cool night air, the smell of street food, and the honking of out of sight cars. Were it not for the mask, his eyes might have perhaps squinted against the kaleidoscope of neon lights that hit them. But he could not afford to be distracted.
He was poised for action and wasted no time leaping from the street to the rooftops, his cape helping him glide across the skyline as he traversed the city's heights.
As always, he knew exactly where he was going, the inexorable 'tug' within his very soul guiding him unflinchingly to wherever he needed to be.
Urgency was a constant companion to him, but tonight it was accompanied by something else. Indignation at the vile crime that had been perpetrated in his name. And a seething rage because of who they had targeted!
Hours later he stood upon a ledge beneath the shopping mall roof, Nephrite, the three Senshi and that girl they had rescued having at last all vacated.
Upon returning to the ground, a familiar and unpleasant sensation came over him: it was the polar opposite of how he'd felt at the start of that night, his strength now beginning to abandon him. It was as if he'd been drugged and was now slipping into unconsciousness. It was the feeling of coming undone. Of his whole being dissipating into the proverbial ether, piece by piece.
He'd heard it said that, just before you die, your whole life flashes before your eyes. Well, he wasn't exactly dying, merely slipping once more into that temporary, yet still unpleasant, darkness. As such he did not see his whole life, merely the events of that evening, the memories elongating as the darkness drew ever nearer.
He fixated upon one moment in particular. It had been in the elevator shaft when death really had seemed imminent. And when soft gloved hands had been clutching around him for dear life. He had tried to tell her why he always came to her aid, and she'd blurted out her own theory on the matter.
"I know why. It's because you're in love with me,"
In the final second before he faded completely, Tuxedo Mask suddenly felt far more whole than ever before.
The feeling did not however linger within the bewildered college student left in his place.
Mamoru sat up in his bed.
It was about an hour before he was due to wake up, but despite his lack of sleep, he felt wired. That shouldn't have been surprising given the duel he'd had with Zoisite the night before. There had been a few moments when he'd believed the construction site might wind up being his grave. Was that why he'd awoken early? Had his near-death experience unsettled him?
No.
He'd faced death before. Most of the time that'd happened when his... What should he even call it?
He had only the faintest of knowledge when it came to psychology. Had 'Tuxedo Mask' been a manifestation of his unconscious? Another personality? Something like a fugue state? Surely it was more complicated than that because the blackouts had stopped completely ever since he'd obtained his first Rainbow Crystal. The items clearly helped alleviate his amnesia; somehow, they were the key to everything.
But then... why had the blackouts happened at all? There'd been no Rainbow Crystals in that jewellery store the first time Tuxedo Mask had taken a hold of him.
He shook his head in disbelief. It was surreal. Not too long ago, he was aware of his escapades as Tuxedo Mask merely through the occasional dream. But now he could recall everything he had ever done whenever that... that 'side of himself' had taken over. Even more surreal was how at ease he was about it. Knowing he was Tuxedo Mask, being able to now control it, wasn't just preferable to how it had been before, he felt more... whole.
Once more drawing upon his limited psychology experience, he supposed 'Tuxedo Mask' had always existed within him. His mind recalled the time he had risked his life to save bun-head's cat from being run over. Maybe he could have always been Tuxedo Mask if life presented him the opportunities to do so.
But life hadn't presented those opportunities. He'd simply become his 'alter-ego' and sought them out. Or more specifically... sought her out.
He just couldn't understand why exactly.
Just as he couldn't understand why he'd warned her to be wary of himself.
Or why it'd felt so right to gift her the...
A soft, beautiful tune echoed in his mind.
He'd heard the music last night softly echoing through the skeleton of the half-constructed building, gently reverberating off the steel beams. But that wasn't the memory stirring within him. The song was from another time, another place, and both far more distant than a Juban construction site.
He closed his eyes in defeat, and rested his head on his knees as the locket's melody continued to resound within his head... and his heart...
The melody still resounded within him, even though he had only heard it once several hours ago.
He didn't understand why the song affected him so much.
Just as he didn't understand why he'd been so pleased that the lake yokai had found peace.
Or who that blonde girl at the lake's edge had been. She seemed to know him, but that was impossible. He had no memory of meeting her. Indeed, he'd encountered precious few humans at all, so he was hardly likely to forget someone as energetic as her; let alone as beautiful.
A shard of moonlight glinted through the trees of the woods. The effect unsettled him. Suddenly he felt… terribly empty…?
How could that be? He had all he could ever want. Power. Purpose. The favour of the Great Ruler. How could he ever imagine there was anything missing from his life?
He shook his head, trying to banish the thoughts. But a tiny, familiar, voice whispered words of resistance within him. It was swiftly drowned out though when he felt a forceful tug upon his mind. His Queen was beckoning him home.
Within moments, Endymion had vanished.
Mamoru sat up in his bed.
It was about an hour before he was due to wake up but despite his lack of sleep he felt wired. That was surprising because he couldn't recall doing anything particularly exhilarating the night before. He hadn't even drunk any coffee yesterday as far as he remembered.
Whatever the reason, Mamoru's body positively crackled with immense energy. He'd never felt more alive!
He opened the blinds and turned on the TV whilst preparing to leave the apartment. He was only half paying attention though, merely picking up a snippet about some strange solar phenomenon or something. Perhaps that's what had awoken him so early. Now he thought about it, he vaguely recalled feeling very, very cold last night. He shrugged, picked out his smartest green jacket and thickest pair of shades then headed out into the door.
Since he didn't have any classes that day, he decided to enjoy the beautiful sunshine until the late afternoon. The day went well although, at the back of his head, he felt a tiny, yet annoying, sensation. Something was missing, something that'd make today truly perfect.
He tried to puzzle out the feeling, but the closest he came was deciding to check in on Motoki. He supposed a day like this was only so nice if you had someone to share it with. The same was perhaps true of every day now he thought about it.
He suddenly felt something else. A faint, yet hopeful feeling flickering within his chest.
"… Hmmm…" He glanced up at the bright sky, squinting against golden rays of light.
Perhaps he should try addressing that issue. There might just be someone out there for him. He just needed to put himself out there to find th-
His thoughts were cut off by a sense of déjà vu as a scrunched-up piece of paper landed on his head.
"Adieu!"
Moonlight Knight departed the scene, trusting that the Sailor Senshi could take care of the rescued babes. He didn't want to be seen when the inevitable happened and he faded from existence yet again.
Curiously, these experiences were not as uncomfortable as when he'd 'faded out' as Tuxedo Mask. Perhaps that was because he now manifested separately from Mamoru Chiba. Or maybe it was because back then, he was still 'incomplete', lacking his memories from the Silver Millennium.
Then again, he was still incomplete now. He was but a shadow of Prince Endymion and of the man Mamoru Chiba had been until but a few months ago. Mamoru himself was even less aware of his escapades than before he'd obtained his first Rainbow Crystal. At least back then, Mamoru had known his memory had gaps, and he had grown to suspect there was 'another side to himself'. Now though, Mamoru didn't have the faintest clue about what that 'other side' got up to.
But he knew exactly what Mamoru got up to. And who with.
He had seen her blush when Mamoru had offered to look after baby Manami.
He had smelt her perfume when she had leant on Mamoru's shoulder.
He had heard the hurt in her voice when she had accused Mamoru of being insensitive.
And he had felt the warmth of her hands when they'd celebrated Manami's first steps.
The irony was he was probably more aware of what this all meant than Mamoru himself. More aware of what was growing within the young man's heart. After all, he had lived through it himself already.
His being began to discorporate, becoming transparent. If things kept up as they had been, there'd soon come a day when he would fade forever.
He very much looked forward to that day...
He'd been naïve. Naïve to think things would last; that fate had finally decided to be kind to them. Kind to him. Fate, he now realized, was far crueller than Queen Beryl or Metalia could ever have been.
For a little while, for a glorious week, he'd had it all. Then the visions happened. The new dreams.
In his head he truly believed he'd done the right thing, painful as it had been. Eventually though, he'd given up on that route and tried to be both more detached and more selfish than he'd ever been.
He was still young. He still had more cash than most people. He still had the great car and an even greater bike. He still had an apartment of his own, a career ahead of him, and everything else anyone could ever want.
And yet, he felt emptier now than the day Usako had thrown that test paper on his head. In finding her, it was like he'd been reunited with a long-lost limb. In giving her up, it was like he'd had to rip it off again.
There was a knock on his door and he lethargically made his way across the apartment to answer it.
"Hi, Mamo-chan!" The pink-haired child bounced inside and began unpacking her rucksack. "I bought some more stuff to help take care of your roses. I've been practicing in Ikuko-Mama's garden, too."
Mamoru felt his spirits lift a little. She'd been spending a lot of time here recently. Mamoru was happy to oblige. He well remembered what it was like to be a little lost child.
And for some reason, being with her, made that empty feeling within him hurt just a little less.
She was fading away. Her small face was losing even more colour. And he... he was totally powerless.
As powerless as he'd been the day he had awoken in the hospital. She was barely older than he'd been back then. Had he looked so helpless? So limp? So… diminished?.
He did his best to keep calm, to keep himself in check. He tried focusing on something else. The coffee table at the centre of the apartment. The genkan all the way opposite from his bed. The lilting roses upon his shelf unit. But, mere moments after Luna and Artemis had left the room, he let out a rattling breath, the tear drops dampening her uniform.
How could he have let this happen?
As a child he'd spent years wishing he had parents of his own. People who would be there to care and protect him. But when it'd really mattered, he had failed to live up to his own expectations.
Now, it was like his own heart was missing rather than hers.
"I'm sorry," he whispered, stroking her rose pink hair. "Please…" He rested his head on hers. "...Please forgive me, Chibi-Usa..."
He gripped her hand a little tighter.
She gripped his hand a little tighter as they departed the atelier; Fisheye's Lemures having been banished from the workshop.
His heart leapt as he looked down at her small, bright face and caught her smiling up at him.
"What were you two even doing here tonight?" He asked, smiling back at her. "Did you two become become fashion models without telling me?"
"I wanted to see if Usagi was lying or not."
His brow furrowed behind his mask. "Lying about what?"
"About Yoshiki Usei agreeing to design her wedding dress."
His gaze rose to Sailor Moon who was blushing profusely.
"Oh..." He began slowly. "And... And what did he say?"
Sailor Moon's giggle was all the answer he needed.
He didn't respond, but the three of them hand-in-hand like this, cast his mind to the future. A future where he hoped Sailor Moon might give him a similarly positive answer when he asked her a very different question. When she'd give him the final piece missing from his soul.
He pushed the thought out of his head. There would be plenty of time to think of the future later...
Usako. Chibi-Usa. Crystal Tokyo.
The most vital pieces of his being were vanishing away into the ether. He could feel them all growing more distant, fading away from him.
Feeling was the only thing he was capable of doing now. His body was practically limp, almost lifeless. He was lost in a vast, lonely darkness. The only change in his state came from the occasional flare of pain in his eye, accompanied by the echo of a cruel laugh, and a cold, talon-like grip upon his body.
He had believed the nightmare was over. They all had. But they'd been horribly, horribly wrong.
Once more he tried to resist as he was dragged further into the mirror, but his efforts were futile. He was even more helpless now than when he'd unwillingly served the Dark Kingdom. But unlike Beryl, his new Queen was far more vindictive. And in particular, she bore a grudge for the two people that were his very heart and soul. Suddenly, both gave a horrible ache.
Was Usako hurt? Or was Chibi-Usa fading away, as his 'other selves' used to in the past?
He wasn't sure.
But he was sure of one thing. He would never take either of them for granted ever again, not even for a single second.
He'd spend every hour, every minute with his daughter until she went back home. And as for Usagi...
This nightmare had rudely reminded him of how fleeting life could be. Of how they had to forge the future together instead of passively trusting it would just happen. He vowed to give her everything she deserved in life.
And, if they survived this, he would start by asking her that question...
There'd been no question asked. They hadn't even spoken. A look was all it had taken.
A look across the hall, passing through the dancers in the middle of the room and finally reaching her at the banquet table.
They both knew the routine. Suddenly both of them were feeling a little under the weather and needed fresh air. Most of the partygoers were either unaware or too polite to voice any scepticism; though Motoki had cocked an eyebrow and a smirk in their direction.
That was all soon forgotten when they stood alone together, the gold light from within and the silver light from the above making the crystal balcony positively sparkle. But not quite as brightly as Serenity's ey-
"Happy Anniversary!"
King Endymion tore his gaze away from his Queen. The not-so-small lady bounced towards them across the balcony, long pink hair trailing behind her. Endymion smiled. For just a moment, as her face had caught the silvery moonlight, she had looked exactly like Usako had on that fateful day outside Osa-P.
Serenity placed her hands on her hips. "And just where have you been all day, young lady?"
The Princess blushed and looked slightly guilty. "Well... Helios and I... umm..."
Endymion raised his hand to silence her. "It's alright, you don't need to give us the details. We were young once too, you know."
"You still are, Papa."
Serenity smirked. "Flattery will only get you so far, missy."
The Princess placed her hands on her hips, accentuating the resemblance to her mother. "Then I hope my present will make up for the rest."
"Oh," Endymion raised an eyebrow. "What is it?"
"Well, I'm giving something to Mama. But I did something for you."
Endymion and Serenity exchanged confused looks.
"Just stand over there and watch, okay?"
They moved over to the edge of the balcony whilst their daughter walked back to its entrance. Though her back was turned, Endymion could tell she'd raised her hands to her chest and was concentrating. Then, quick as a flash, she spun around and hurled out her arm.
They looked down at their feet. Endymion heard his wife let out a tiny gasp.
As the Princess strolled over to them, Serenity bent down and removed the item from the crystalline surface.
"Helios has been helping me practice for months now, but I only figured out how to get the colour right today."
"It... It's beautiful," whispered Serenity.
A look of pride flicked in the Princess' eyes. Nevertheless, she was slightly tentative as she turned her attention to her father. "Papa?"
Endymion had been silent ever since the Princess' little show. Gently, he reached out and, with the tips of his fingertips, stroked the pink rose petals. Then, without another word, he wrapped his family in a tight embrace.
Later, as he gazed up at the Moon with them both, Endymion felt wonderfully content. Content… and complete.
A/N: As I've mentioned elsewhere, since the Sailor Moon manga was released in December 1991 but published in February 1992, I'm releasing certain anniversary fics (specifically those relevant to chapter 1) between December 2021 and February 2022.
My idea with this fic was to sort of explore Mamoru's different 'identities'. I figure we are all different people throughout our lives and Mamoru more than most. So what better way to celebrate his anniversary than spotlighting all the people he has been throughout his life.
Just to let you know I am involved in a discord called 'Moonlight Legends' which is dedicated to sharing all sorts of Sailor Moon fanworks, including other fanfics. If you would like to join so you can share your own work, get help with your current projects or just connect to other fan creators shoot me a PM and I'll send you an invite. All are welcome!