Chapter Eleven.
Jealousy
"Come on Hermoine why not?" Harry whined me almost a month after we had begun dating, "I try and get physically close to you but you never let me really touch you like you know I'm dying too. I wanna see you make out with Lavender you don't have to like her just make out for a little while"
"Why Harry? Why does it mean so much to you?"
"Why does it matter so much to you? You don't want to lose your virginity, you're being frigid and plain selfish!"
"I'm being selfish!" i exploded i had lost my patience wit this topic long ago, "You can't pressure me into it Harry!"
"Then I'll just go ad see Lavender like I always have to anyway," He retorted telling me not for the first time of his constant infidelity. I love him so much that i always forgave him for it but this time i would not stand for it.
"Get Out!" i yelled at him from the top of my lungs after storming to my door and opening it Harry simply shot me a dirty look and walked out of my room i followed him into the common room," and don't you ever think you ca come back this time potter I've had it with you we are so totally over. Oh and here's news for you Potter I'm not the innocent virgin everyone thinks I am," i continued at his retreating back but the last line caused him to stop dead in his tracks, " I fucked Malfoy after the Valentines ball and it was fucking great You were wrong Harry Draco did want e for more than my body He loved me and i gave that away for you, I never thought i would be so stupid as to give away a decent guy for the likes of you potter!."
"Yeah he really wanted you for more than your body that's why he fucked you and let you leave." I sneered at me. I pulled back my hand curled into a fist and brought it down upon his nose blood squirting out of it after i had done so, "You bitch I'll get you for this," he promised before making his way out of the portrait hole leaving me standing bewildered at myself in the common room so i thought alone. But no, i was never alone. I crumbled to the floor staring at my hands wondering what was wrong with me.
"Why do i keep fucking up? Why do i keep doing this to myself it's my own fault," i said aloud to myself not thinking that anyone was listening.
"Yes it is your fault Granger." I felt panicked someone had been listening.
"Sod off Ferret boy."
"Harsh words from the likes of you."
"I said sod off or do you want me to break your nose too?' You'll never be as perfect as you pretend to be Granger."
"Cut the crap would you?
"No I've waited a long time to say this to you and I'm damn well not going anywhere until you hear me out."
"Then I will." I started towards my room when Draco grabbed my arm and forcefully sung me so i landed on the couch with a small "Ummph," not hurt just surprised. "Hey!" i protested to this roughhouse treatment.
"Just sit there and shut up for fucks sake Mudblood!" he bore down on me, "you're such a damn little fake that every time i see you i want to scream at you every time i see you! I know your grades are slipping Granger and I know you are hitting the bottle and you have gotten worse with the pot! You never told anyone about what we did and out of respect for you, for you! The bitch that used me and cut me down when how i felt was obvious all along! I never kept it hidden but I never made it obvious cause i didn't want to get hurt and all the while i was naive to think that one day you'd really see me but know you had to hurt me more than my drunken abusive father who beat me because you were smarter than me ever did... see you even managed to hurt me without meaning too! You hurt me more than the death of my own sister! You betrayed my trust when I needed you most and told your friends things you promised to never tell when I was keeping your secrets all along! And Harry! Let me get started about Harry! You do not love him do you? DO YOU?" he was shouting now his jealousy and hurt all over his face his pain displayed in his eyes so ready to spill tears that his hardened heart would not let him cry.
"No Malfoy I don't love him not anymore, nut you... you're just jealous and when I'm ready to give you another chance you throw a hissy fit! It was not my fault your father beat you and do you think that my life was easier? My father was the same he got drunk and came home to beat my mother for not having his dinner ready and ten at night when it was in the fridge and all he had to do was reheat it who when i was young laid into me and gave me bruises and left marks in places my mother had to hide when she bought clothes so that he didn't see them and make them worse? The only secret i did not keep was that you liked me Malfoy and I was never told I had too. I had Harry Malfoy our deal was done i do not owe you shit. And now everyone will know what we did by the end of tomorrow. Most importantly this is my life Malfoy and what I do with it is my decision!" i poked at my chest livid with rage and ready to draw my wand and curse him to Timbuktu for the rest of my life.
"And you're fucking it up! I saved your life and you are only making a mess of it! You are walking around the school as if everything is fine and dandy as if we never happened but I'll tell you something Granger It did happen! In addition, I know it's all a mask, you never let anyone in anymore, you no longer trust anyone, but you used to trust me, you damn well let me in, so why did you lock me out? What are you running away and hiding from?" He continued the livid argument we were now both beyond rage and beyond reason and the only thing we could do was to keep debating each other welling and swearing as much as we could adding personal insult after personal insult.
'If you hadn't well saved my life i wouldn't be here to fuck it up, you should have left me to die like i had planned to, like i wanted and needed too! I would not have to wear a mask! I would not have to run or hide, I would not have to trust people or let them in and i would not be here to annoy you! You should have fucking well left me to damn die damn you! You should have left me to die!" I yelled back at him also wanting to cry. He became solemn at this and all emotion had left his face.
"You're right granger, you filthy mudblood slut," he paused for a moment while i gave him the funniest weirdest and scariest look he had ever seen, he spat on the floor in front of me where it instantly dried and disappeared you would never had known he had spat there if i hadn't of seen it myself, "I should have left you to die, you were never really worth it." His voice as was his heart cold as a stone made of ice and he turned on his heel and walked lazily to his room.
Like a freeze-dried rose, you will never be,
What you were, what you were to me in memory.
But if I listen to the dark,
you'll embrace me like a star,
envelope me, envelope me...
If things get real for me down here,
promise to take me to before you went away -
if only for a day.
If things get real for me down here,
promise to take me back to the tune
we played before you went away.
Draco shut the door and put a silencing and fixing charm on his room, he picked up his chair and threw it against the wall shattering it into pieces before it remade itself where it had been before.
And if I listen to, the sound of white,
sometimes I hear your smile, and breathe your light.
Yeah if I listen to, the sound of white .
Rage filled and consumed him he began picking up random objects and throwing them then he saw the jewellery he had given me on his bedside table he picked up the black velvet box and threw it with all his might at the door.
You're my mystery. One mystery. My mystery. One mystery.
My silence solidifies,
until that hollow void erases you,
erases you so I can't feel at all.
But if I never feel again, at least that nothingness
will end the painful dream, of you and me...
If things get real for me down here, promise to take me to
before you went away, if only for a day.
If things get real for me down here, promise to take me back to
the tune we played before you went away.
He raced to where they had fallen and picked them up in his hands feeling his insides crumble. Did he really wish he had just left her to die? Surely he needed her like he needed air to breath, food to eat and water to drink she was a necessity of his life that he couldn't live without. He knew after what he had just said a simply apology couldn't fix the problem he had cause he didn't know what to do.
And if I listen to, the sound of white
sometimes I hear your smile, and breathe your light.
Yeah if I listen to, the sound of white
sometimes I hear your smile, and breathe your light.
And if I listen to, the sound of white.
He would sing to her, play her the song that had started all this, play the song he had played on the guitar the day they had called a truce. A song that was from his soul, the song he knew had been written to describe how hi heart always felt. He knew it he would sing to her.
I knelt before some strangers face,
I'd never have the courage or belief to trust this place,
But I dropped my head, 'cos it felt like lead,
And I'm sure I felt your fingers through my hair...
Thankful he had put a fixing charm on his room he put the jewels back where they belonged and made his way to the library to collect the guitar and his guitar notes and tabs.
And if I listen to, the sound of white sometimes
I hear your smile, and breathe your light.
Yeah if I listen to, the sound of white.
The sound of white,
The sound of white,
The sound of white.