If This Is Ordinary, a hey arnold fanfic

My word, a fresh and new HA! story coming from me? It must be a miracle! Anyway, I know in my newer authors notes from my previous fic "Welcome To My Life", I stated my gloomy teenage years were behind me and that I wasn't as depressed anymore. Those words still hold truth today, and I'm just restating that as you may find it odd that I have come out of left field here with another dismal angst story. But now I'm taking a character that's so used to it – it's now Helga's turn to become morbidly depressed! I know the whole "Helga being depressed" concept has absolutely been done to death by HA! fanfiction writers, and it's certainly not a new subject to write about. I have read many similar fics where Helga is an emotional train wreck and hates her life. The fact of the matter is how was I going to make this same old storyline different from all the other fics out there? It's hard not to be repetitive with the over 5 years/1500 fics here at fanfiction dot net alone. It all comes down to the execution of your knowledge on the series and its characters. It will determine how good your story will turn out and how it will stand above the rest. Have I accomplished this? Probably not, but we will see what the reviews have to say. :)

This fanfic was an idea I had floating around in my head for about a month or so, and typed it up January 28 & 29, 2006. It was delayed in getting posted until March because I wanted to have my long drawn out fic "The Masterplan" finally done and posted. I was heavily listing to everything by the greatest Canadian alternative band ever, Matthew Good Band. Their success in the 90's is now unfortunately overshadowed by the mainstream popularly of Nickelback, as they never really made that breakthrough to the US like they did. The band dissolved in 2002 and Matt Good went solo and hasn't disappointed me since. He's an excellent singer/songwriter/guitarist, and while Nickelback may be all the rage, Matthew Good, solo or with his band, will always have the actual creative talent it takes make good alternative music. Anyway, his lyrics in his songs influenced my story greatly, so I have stuck some lyrics from various songs into my story. The first two sets of lyrics are from the 2001 B-side "The Fine Art of Falling Apart". The third is from the 2003 B-side "Bright End of Nowhere", while the fourth is from their 1999 hit "Strange Days". The last two are from the 1998 B-Side "Fated". There were a lot of songs I wanted to use, but I had to cut some because they didn't quite fit this story, although they would be good for another story. I axed lyrics from the two B-sides "Running For Home" (1999) and "Tripoli" (2001). I highly recommend to anyone buying all of his CD's from the band to his solo albums. Moreover, their/his music videos are amazingly compelling. If you would like to hear any of these songs listed here or anything else from MGB or Matthew Good solo, e-mail me and I'll send you some mp3's. Check out NearFantastica dot com, a kick ass fan site dedicated to Matt Good.

Oh yeah, better put in a disclaimer. "I do not own Hey Arnold!, nor any songs from MGB or Matthew Good, yadda, yadda, yadda…"

I didn't want this story to end harshly, though I didn't want it to end all warm and fluffy either. This is my first new Hey Arnold! fanfiction in over a year. Do I still have it (for writing stories), or have I lost it? You be the judge!

o----o

If you passed Helga Pataki on the street, you would see an elfin 16-year-old girl with dyed black hair, silver jewelry pierced through her ears and big, sweet eyes that would melt your heart. But you wouldn't see the struggles with depression or the powerful language the Hillwood City girl used to describe her life and the state she felt she was in.

She had changed. When, how, or exactly why was a mystery to her – it was a gradual process. She left PS 118 with, while not a totally optimistic, fair view on life. Now into her second year of high school at PS 218, she wasn't the same anymore. She had left a mediocre childhood; while not great, was filled with a parent's safety net and the fact that if troubles came her way, someone would be there to protect her. Now a teenager, things had altered in her world. Her parents had split up; Big Bob left the family without an income after a heated argument with Miriam over something stupid that now no one remembers. He took the beeper empire with him and moved far across town, leaving Helga and Miriam to stick it out on their own. Olga had detached herself from the family years back, and hadn't made contact with anyone since Helga's elementary school graduation. Miriam was left to find work and found a job at a hotel as a custodian. Helga tried and failed to find work; she didn't have a consistent enough sense of energy and well-being to hold down a part-time job. That safety net was gone – she felt the ground had shifted under her feet, and there was nothing stable to hang on to anymore.

I walk alone and I
I ride alone and I
I rock myself to sleep
Baby, there ain't enough room in this world
For people like you
And horrors like me

She fell deeper and deeper into a depression. Each second she lived dragged out longer than the next, until it felt as though the entire world had stopped. The whole universe had ceased moving, as though she could reach out and pull back her last words, rewind her past and put her future on pause – like she could almost witness an alternate reality. Helga felt trapped in a dark, heavy kind of parallel dimension, where she observed other people living a cheerful, energetic life that she couldn't be a part of. She felt like her emotions had been hijacked. Everything looked dull, and even small everyday routines like getting dressed in the morning or saying hello to someone at school seemed overwhelmingly difficult. Helga saw the others – Arnold, Phoebe, Gerald; they all laughed and shared what must be the greatest of stories. Their faces lit by a sparkle of cheer, together they seemed so content. She struggled to share this inner light, but her heart was empty and she could not convince it to forget. To forget the mess her and her mother were in. To forget her lackluster marks and uncertain future. To forget about a past love and give up on happiness. Something was missing, something had been lost, but she wasn't sure what, and it was tearing her apart.

A time of darkness
You will look absurd and you will feel inert
And you'll go looking to blame somebody
You see I used to think that I'd get over everything
But everything just got over me

She wanted to die – she wanted to die in the worst way possible. She was already dead somehow, but somehow she was still breathing. Nothing was working and nothing was moving forward. She could never focus on school because of her home life; she had to keep everything together while Miriam worked 10-hour shifts just to pay the bills. No amount of medication could help Helga. She went to the doctor to see if pills would put an end to her mood, but they never worked, and they seemed to have the exact opposite effect. There was no cure. There was no escape. Depression was a complex and persistent disease, and she felt like things had ended for her as there was no way out. Sometimes she did hold out hope, she always thought she'd make it out somehow, and triumph over everything. Helga thought she would eventually see a bright light at the end of her troubles…but it was the bright end of nowhere.

Here's the bright end of nowhere
Here's the results of all our days
Used to lay on the roof and drink beer
And try and count up all the ways
That you could waste away
Looking back it seemed so simple
But having done it I couldn't say

Helga felt certain things had been stolen from her. She held good marks in elementary school, but now she couldn't bring herself to even go to school, let alone do homework. She had a great mind for poetry and creative verse, but she felt hollow and empty of any profound words. She couldn't take part in the things she used to love like baseball and wrestling. She had even given up on her long time mission to be with Arnold. She grew out of that obsessive crush by the end of her first year in high school, knowing there was much more competition for Arnold's affections now that they were in a bigger school. He wasn't dating anyone at present time, and the chance was always there to ask him out – but she already thought that ship had sailed, after the fact she deemed herself to faulted to be with someone so perfect. And if there was no Arnold, then what was there?

And we're done lying for a livin'
The strange days have come and you're gone, you're gone
Either dead or dying
Either dead or trying to go

On a rainy and chilly wet Sunday night, she walked herself up to the river's pier, where as a kid she boarded a boat with her friends to check out Elk Island to see if Wheezin' Ed was still out there. That was back in the day – when things weren't so strange the way they were now. She looked down to the water below, tossing and splashing around like a black tar amidst the dark, gloomy setting. It looked so inviting, just to jump in and to let go – to let the current take her away from the life she was in. There was no turning back. She walked off the pier like it was nothing new and slipped away unnoticed under the water, slowly plunging to the bottom. The water was cold and shocking to the skin, but she couldn't feel it as she was already so cold herself. She let the weight of the water move her body around ever so slightly, while looking up to the surface and deeming this the end. She didn't tie herself down with a weight, she always had a chance to come back up for air – but she didn't. She held her breath for as long as she waited too, and let the air escape her lungs. It was over, it was done, and the water started to fill her lungs…

I long to be dead
And sleep with the fishes under the sea
They can swim through my head
And stop all the traffic jams
Stop all the traffic jams…

Helga woke up with a start, breathing heavily. She had left her stereo on, now playing the last track on her Matthew Good Band CD. She hadn't even changed into her pajamas, but was still wearing her black tank top and jeans. It was always happening – it was all a dream that felt so real she thought she had died a million times by now. The dreams would always cut out at the last second, right before that point of impact – that second before death would set in. She always "chickened out" and woke herself up, making sure if it was a dream or not. What did it mean? Didn't she want to die? Why did she stop her dreams right at the last second when she did?

She looked at her digital clock; it was just after four in the afternoon. She had slept another "sick day" away. She dragged herself out of her muddled bed and opened the blinds to her window, the sunlight almost being too much for her fatigued eyes. She saw the gang of Arnold, Gerald and Phoebe walk down the sidewalk across the street, coming back from yet another productive day at PS 218. She often questioned what others would think if she committed suicide. Would they care? Would they cry? Or would they say "forget it" and move on? She saw Miriam walking up the stoop to the door, coming back after another long day of work. She didn't want to be part of this life anymore, but knew there were people out there that still cared for her. She knew her mother would be heartbroken if she died, it would break her. She knew her friends would be distraught – they never dismissed Helga as a friend, even if she never talked to them for long periods of time, they still cared for her just as much.

But Helga still wondered and pondered about many things in her mixed up, confused and fragile brain. She wondered why things had turned out the way they had. She wondered about her future and what could have been done to change her past. She wondered if there was any escaping her thoughts of death. She wondered if others out there in this world felt the same way she did. She wondered…if this was ordinary.

…And there'll be no light tonight

If I'm fated