A. N. When I was a waitress a few years back, I used to work with this girl from Quebec named Mylène; pronounced Meelenne. Sweetest girl ever. Anyway, she hated it when English customers called her Mylene, like if she were straight from Texas. Just thought it'd be funny to slip this in.
A. N. 2. There are credits due for this chapter. No one got the Whedonverse reference, I'm cameoing (sp? real word?) those of you who gave it a try anyway. So here we go. In order of appearance.
Girl on the beach -- Jess5x5
Mylene -- Blonde101
Girl in the washroom -- CBscifiJUNKY
The ocean is everything an ocean should be. It's sunny, wet and soothing. Three things a girl can't ever live without. The beach, too, is everything a beach should be. Dry, sandy and incredibly crowded. Which is good, 'cause I don't need anymore surprises today. At least, not until tonight.
Terry is running barefoot in the soft sand, skimming the fresh tide with every step she takes. She twirls here and there, showing me happy smiles and throwing me odd pieces of sanded glass and ugly seashells.
"What are you gonna do with all these things, Ter?"
"Start a collection."
Which in other words means: 'Start a shoe box full of stuff that will collect dust and stay hidden under the bed for decades'.
She dumps a handful of wet glass, clinging with sand, into her little plastic bucket and scurries along the shore once again, leaving me to follow behind.
And I take this time to bask in Ter's happiness, to think about our peculiar morning, to predict tonight's wild adventure and to simply… think about her. Her.
Of all the people in the world who knew Faith and me, I think Wesley was the one who figured it out best. Don't let your feelings for her get in the way. Or something like that. Wes. Bless his soul.
My feelings for her have always gotten in the way. Even when she came back to Sunnydale to help us fight The First. Those same feelings. They were there. Blocking the way in our quest to build a tentative friendship. I knew it and so did she. I still have no idea how we ended up together. And now it's happening again. Those same feelings. They're here.
Terry runs over to me, her blue flowered shorts wet with ocean water, sand to her elbows, and smelling of sunscreen. I love this kid to death.
"Mommy!" She exclaims wildly, throwing herself in my arms, making me drop our shoes and bag.
"Ter!" I reply in the same enthusiasm.
"Is it ice cream time?" She asks, pulling back to look me in the eye, showing me one little dimple in her right cheek.
"I dunno. Is it?"
"I think so." She says, nodding sagely, throwing a glance to the ice cream stand near a group of palm trees.
"I think you might be right."
She nods again: her way of showing me that she agrees with me, and wraps her arms around my neck. The universal kid sign for "hold me". It's one of my favourite. How much longer will I be able to hold her like this?
So I place her on my hip and make my way to the ice cream stand, where I stand in line behind some guy wearing a loose poncho and a fishing hat, complete with tackle and… more fishing gear. When it's finally our turn, Terry places our order and studies the vendor carefully as he scoops the ice cream from the tubs, and into the cones.
When the cones are bought and a bench is found, we sit down and just relax quietly. Terry licks away at the melting ice cream, and stares out into the growing crowd of people walking in the sand while I rehash the possible outcomes of tonight's dinner.
Finally, when one of the outcomes doesn't end with me jumping on Faith, claiming her in front of her perfect boyfriend, Terry suddenly places her hand on my arm and adds a little pressure with her fingers.
"Ter?"
She has a look of concentration in her eyes which tells me she's about to say something incredibly intuitive for a six year old. She takes another lick at her cone and rests her head on my arm.
"You see that girl?" She asks me, pointing towards a group of people near the shore.
There are about ten girls in that group, but I instinctively know which one she's talking about. There's a girl, on the beach, standing softly in the wet sand, letting the tide swirl around her ankles carelessly, casting her eyes into the horizon as the wind blows through her hair. I don't mean to sound poetic and like a cheap drugstore harlequin novel, but she's doing just that.
"Yeah." I say. "What about her?"
"She looks happy." Terry says, shrugging off the moment casually, going back to her ice cream.
She looks happy. Why don't you look happy, Mommy? The girl really does look happy. She seems to be all about the glowing and the basking in the sun. Wish I could be like that. I was, I guess, once upon a time, like that. But… That was before… before the craziness. Why don't I look happy anymore? Has Teresa ever seen me happy? Will she ever see me happy? They sound like forbidden matters. And I'm looking for answers to questions that I can't possibly begin to ask.
So in light of all of that, I suddenly remember to call Dawn back, and make the mistake of telling her about my dinner plans. After the shrill laughter and hysteria, there's a slight pause.
"Dawn?"
"Are you serious?"
"No. But when September rolls along, I'm thinking of enrolling Teresa in Circus School. I bet she'd be a killer on the unicycle."
"Buffy. Are you okay with this?" Dawn asks, concern laced into her voice.
"Well, I did agree to it, so I guess on some level I am ready. But… I really don't know. I guess we'll see after tonight."
After she wishes me luck and we hang up, Ter gives me an odd look.
"Are you really gonna make me go to Circus School?"
"When you were me. Did it feel like… Like you belonged? Like it was right? Did you feel happy?"
"What do you mean?"
"Could you have lived your life like that?"
"No."
"Why not?"
"I'm not you. And you're not me. It just… came out that way. It didn't have to happen. But… it did."
"Do you love me?"
"Wouldn't be here if I didn't."
So dinner starts off wonderfully. Faith is late and Gravis is explaining to us exactly how he got his massive scar. I can tell it's the G-rated version, for Terry's sake, and it really sucks, despite the fact that he's really enthused about it.
"Now I'm irritated. Completely. So then I'm all like, 'Oh yeah? You think you're tough stuff?' and the person turns around and it's a woman. So I freeze, right? Not knowing what to do. I don't wanna fight a girl, yanno?" He says, and I feel Faith arriving. "So she goes 'Don't waste my time.'" He finishes.
"If I remember correctly, I said 'You challenge girls to fights often, beach boy?'" Faith says as she settles in at our table, giving Gravis a sly grin, and I almost choke on my MGD.
"You gave Gravis that scar?" Ter asks, horrified.
Faith takes on a look of panic as she suddenly doesn't want to look like the bad guy in her daughter's eyes.
"It wasn't on purpose." She says finally. "Was an accident." And I see her poke Gravis in the ribs with her elbow.
"Yeah." He adds hurriedly.
Right. Like that'll convince Teresa. But she buys it and nods her little head.
"Wow." She says. "We went to the beach." She adds completely off topic.
Just when Faith is about to say something about that, our sever, Mylene, if we go by her nametag, comes by to take Faith's drink order.
"Anything to drink?" Mylene asks in Faith's direction.
Faith casts a look towards my beer and gives me a hard look.
"Perrier. With a few lemon wedges." She says finally, tearing her gaze away from me and back to Mylene.
Mylene nods.
"Sure thing." She says.
"Thanks Doll." Faith drawls sensually in her direction.
Mylene saunters away with Faith clearly checking her out. Gravis notices too and grins. What the hell?
"8" Faith says.
Gravis nods.
"8.5." He says.
"Generous, as always."
Okay, seriously. Rate the waitress? Come on. Thankfully, Terry doesn't catch on and settles on watching some kids play on the few arcade games in a corner. If she's feeling anything about this dinner with Faith, she doesn't let it show one bit. Gravis catches her look and smiles.
"Terry and I are going to check out the arcade." He says, getting up, and picking Ter up from her booster seat.
I nod thankfully and let my gaze settle back on Faith. Faith. Who's been cool as a cucumber; who's been flirting openly with the waitress; who's been anything but nervous. She's sitting lazily, with an arm laced casually over the back of her chair, staring back at me. Her face is clean and free of any make up save for some clear lip-gloss. Her hair is loose and tumbles gently over her shoulders. She's wearing—get this— a pink tank top and painted on faded jeans. She's got flip flops on her feet: Another surprise.
"Hey." I say softly, and it surprises me that I'm the one who spoke first. I think she's surprised too.
"Hey." She says, and I can see that some nervousness is finally slipping in. Thank God. We're finally on the same level.
We're interrupted once more when Mylene comes back with Faith's Perrier and when she disappears again, an awkward silence settles in until both of us can't take it anymore.
"Gotta go to the washroom." She says as I say, "I'm gonna go to the bathroom."
We both freeze and stare at each other with an immense sense of… fear? Is that what I'm sensing? She slowly gets up and makes her way through the restaurant to the ladies room as I dottily follow behind.
She opens the door and goes straight to the counter and leans herself forward on her arms, with her head down. I just lean against one of the stall doors and look at her reflection in the mirror. She sighs deeply and lifts her head back up and stares at herself in the mirror. Maybe she's looking at me, but I can't really tell.
"This has been one wild day." She says softly, still staring in the mirror.
"Tell me about it." I breathe and she lets herself smile.
"I've missed you." She says suddenly, and it takes me by surprise. Really?
So much so that I somehow fall backwards and end up on my back on the cold and dirty tiled floor. Which is odd, since I was leaning on a stall door.
"B?" Faith asks standing over me beside this other girl. Wait. I thought we were two in here.
"Are you okay? I'm real sorry." This girl says. "I didn't know you were leaning against the door."
Oh. I didn't know anyone was in there.
"S'okay. My fault really." I mumble as I take Faith's outstretched hand and heave myself up.
"Are you sure? I could go get some ice or something." This girl says, all concerned and everything.
I'm just about to answer when Faith does for me.
"Sounds like a plan." She says, ushering this girl out of the bathroom, literally pushing her towards the door.
"I'll be right back." I hear the other girl say before Faith shuts the door and locks it.
She leans her back against it and sighs.
"You okay?" She breathes.
"Five by." I say and she smirks.
She looks around the room a bit and settles her eyes on the tampon dispenser.
"You smoke now?" She says, unexpectedly.
You sober now? Perrier instead of Jack? Instead of… me? Guess she tasted that this morning when…
"When you left," I start and she cringes, as her eyes are still on the dispenser, "you forgot your pack of smokes. I dunno. Seemed wrong to throw them away, somehow."
Faith does that half nod she's mastered throughout the years. She just kinda tilts her head back, but you never actually see her bring it back down.
"I'm sorry for this morning." She says, finally looking at me.
"Don't sweat it."
She blinks and nods, this time fully, before sighing again.
"So you told her about me."
"Well, yeah."
"Why?" She asks, and she's serious.
"Why not? You're a part of her life whether you want it or not."
She stays silent for a while.
"I want it." She says slowly. "These five years. They've been so fucking… I can't believe I did that."
Some parts of me just want to scream. YOU can't believe? I can't believe. But I don't.
"I know." Is all I manage.
"But I had to. You know that, right?" She says, and it stings me to the core.
Ladies and gentlemen. Old on to your walkers and top hats.
"You had to? Oh, spare me the bullshit, F." It's way bitter. And it takes me way back.
She gives me a cold hard look before she nods softly.
"Fine." She breathes and reaches out to grab my shirt collar.
She pulls me close and when her face isn't even an inch away, she smirks and sticks her leg out in between my own.
"Truth is…" She starts, and I kiss her.
I kiss her. Me. So here I go again, wondering what my mental illness is. Because lets face it: I wouldn't have done that if I were legally sane. Can you blame me? My last little encounter was with Dave, the PE teacher that Terry didn't like, so it didn't last. The things I do for that kid.
Faith moans into the kiss and brings her knee up a bit so that… Oh, god.